by Ellery Fenn
She kissed down my face and into the crook of my neck, her lips feather-soft against my cold skin. “Corrie,” she murmured.
I buried my face in her hair. Her hand drifted over my shoulder, grazed the side of my chest, lingered on the curve of my waist, and came to rest on my hip. I pressed a kiss to her temple.
“Corrie.” A tear glistened on her eyelashes. One arm rested between my shoulder blades. She leaned me back until my head touched the earth and straddled my body, the inside of her thighs pressing against the outside of mine. Doug felt nothing like this.
Before I could register her movement, her mouth was on mine, searching endlessly for something she’d already found. Her hands slipped through the fabric of my clothes to rest against my skin, cold on cold. And cold on cold made heat.
I arched my back and surged up against her, pulling her tighter as she touched every inch of me. She gasped against my cheek. “You need to take your clothes off.”
I grinned and tore my shirt open, buttons flying in every direction. She watched with eager eyes as my body was revealed. I kicked off my pants.
She buried her face between my breasts and didn’t move. I stroked her soft, curly hair. “Lisa?”
Twin tears coursed down her cheeks. “I love you.”
We moved against each other as though this was all we’d ever done in all the years and all the ways we’d ever lived. Like slipping into a warm bath, we melded together until we weren’t two forms but one, together and apart, moving incessantly within each other.
The only sounds were Lisa’s gasps and moans as she worked against and within me. I shivered in the pleasures of the flesh. I remembered this. This was always my favorite. The building, dying passion of skin on skin.
The boundaries between us faded until we were one mind. She saw every sensation I’d ever thought, and I felt every emotion she’d ever known. We explored every path in the universe of our existence, tasted every experience, every memory, followed every unfinished thought until her tears came from my eyes.
Our embrace grew, pleasure pooling within me. I cried out as the stars in Lisa’s cheeks filled my vision and the universe began anew.
What bliss.
Chapter Forty-three
Dear Clarisse and Pat,
These last few days have been the greatest adventure of our lives deaths. You’ve done more for us than you realize. Your friendship and help are what made this possible. Without you, Doug would still be free, and no one would know what really happened. So thank you.
Clarisse, you’re my best friend, and you always have been. You were always there for me, up until the day I died and beyond. Never stop singing! You’re the best ever and I know you can make it big. Name your first album after me. Just kidding.
Pat, you’re the greatest guy I’ve ever met. In a world full of Dougs, you’re a Pat, and that’s the best thing you can be. Thank you for all you’ve done for us, and especially all you’ve done for Clarisse. Never let your family change you.
I don’t know how to explain why Corrie and I have to die. I hope you understand, but if you don’t, I just ask that you accept it. This is what we want and need. Don’t let this hurt you. We already died. This has been bonus time. I promise that if it were that simple, we’d stay, because we love you both very, very much. But it’s not that simple. We’re sorry.
Be good. Live big. Fight for each other and don’t ever break up because you guys are meant to be. Take care of each other.
All my love,
Lisa (AND CORRIE)
Chapter Forty-four
Corrie
The morning sun drifted through the trees as, like Adam and Eve, we walked naked through the forest.
The earth was soft beneath my feet. Ferns parted, allowed us through their gates. Dangling branches and draped lichen waved overhead, drifting over me. My favorite meadowlark sang our song.
Lisa and I exchanged smiles. I was ready now. Our union had changed me.
“I knew it would come to this,” she said. “But I didn’t really believe it. Not that it would happen to you.”
We walked until we reached the heart of the forest, as far from civilization as possible, surrounded on every side by rolling hills, streams and trees. Our special clearing was long behind us.
My legs stiffened; I could walk no longer. Lisa caught me as I stumbled and laid me gently on the earth.
“How do you feel?”
“Content.”
She laid on my chest. “I’ll stay with you.”
I weaved my fingers through her hair. “Thank you.”
It was the kind of morning that was painted in storybooks. It was as though each plant and animal knew what we were doing and had shown up in all their brightest colors to pay their respects. Lisa’s hair stirred in the breeze.
Stillness spread over me, slowing each twitch of my hands, each word.
A tear leaked from Lisa’s eye. “I’m going to miss you.”
“Why?” There was no discrepancy between our thoughts, but we played along like there was, as though we could delay the inevitable by pretending.
She shook her head. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You die too.”
She pressed her cheek to mine. “Doesn’t matter. I miss you even when we’re together.”
I wiped away her tear. “I die and become all nature. Understand?” She nodded. “You die and become all…” I gestured vaguely.
She smiled. “Yeah.”
“We both in everything together. No me and you, just us. Just everything.”
She nuzzled against my chest. “I love you.”
“Love you too.”
She played idly with a fern beside us, twirling the leaves around each finger. Her voice was so quiet that I would’ve missed it had I not known her thoughts. “I’ll still miss you.”
I wrapped my arms around her and held her to me. I watched the dancing leaves and her silver mist until my vision blurred. The green of the world faded away forever. My eyes closed. Lisa’s hands were on my face in an instant.
“I’m here,” she said.
My lips twitched into a smile. The frenzy of sensation faded as one by one, I lost the sound of a squirrel’s heart, the scratching of a bird in the dirt, a woodpecker in the distance. The smell of running water, of fall leaves, each left me in their turn until all that was left was Lisa’s touch.
“I’m not leaving you,” she said. “I’ll stay with you to the very end.”
My muscles relaxed. I sank into the ground as though I’d been poured upon it. The warmth of slow oxygenation touched me.
Lisa stroked my cheek. “I’m so lucky to have you.”
I could no longer feel the ground beneath me. Soft numbness spread through every limb as decomposition resumed, exactly as it should. Even the touch of Lisa faded. My arms fell through her body and landed on my chest.
“I love you, Corrie. I love you more than I ever thought possible. And I’m so glad that we had this. This life and this death. So that I had a chance to love you.”
My mind was fuzzy, peaceful. There was nothing left but the quiet void to which I returned.
My lungs emptied their last breath. “I love you.”
Chapter Forty-five
Lisa
I felt the moment she went. For the first time in all our lives, I was alone. Empty.
I stroked her face, as still as stone. “Corrie?”
There was, of course, no answer. She was as beautiful as the first time we’d met, the beauty of the human body personified, pure. I pressed the skin on her forehead back into place.
Gone in a second, and just as fast, everywhere. She was in the soil and the bugs buzzing around her. She’d earned her reward.
I pressed one last kiss to her lips. “I love you.”
I flew on toward my death. The forest below me, the place that most felt like home in all my existence, was green and alive. The surrounding cities were waking.
I flew do
wn for one last tour of the ones I loved. Clarisse was doing Kelly’s makeup, gossiping about something that happened in math class. Pat was in his bedroom, eating breakfast away from the tension and derision of his family. He’d move out soon enough, and his life would finally begin.
I stopped at my parents’ house. They sat crying at the kitchen table, cereal ignored. I pressed a quick kiss to each of their cheeks.
They’d all be fine. Death and life happen all the time, and everyone survives it. They would hurt, but the pain would fade. They each had their whole lives ahead of them.
I returned to the blue sky. A glance to my hands confirmed that I was already dissipating. Fluffy clouds rimmed the horizon, stained pink by the sunrise like puffs of cotton candy.
I lost integrity and floated away into my own personal cloud. I gazed up, through every layer of atmosphere. The sky was so pale it was almost white, but I knew the sun would darken it again. I felt my mind spread outward.
Every one of my million wishes had come true.
The moon was still visible, glimmering faintly in the blue. It was a perfect quarter and would wane and diminish until nothing was left, leaving only the empty circle of a new moon, the black shadow in the sky where the moon once was, the last note in the air where a song once played.
I drifted apart into nothing.
I drifted apart into everything.
Epilogue
Dear Mom and Dad,
I’m not writing this so you can read it, cause you’re not going to. I’m leaving it here in the woods to decompose, and maybe you’ll be able to feel it the next time you come for a walk here. I love you. It’s a lot more complicated than that, but I do love you.
The world isn’t like you thought it was. Nothing is like you thought it was. I hope this opens your eyes. I imagine it’s pretty hard to lose a daughter, harder than it was for me to lose you. I kind of lost you a long time ago, the day I was born. You never understood me, and you taught me all the wrong things. You kept me from living the life I should’ve lived. But that’s okay, because I’ve had a really great death. It’s funny how the last week has been better than the last sixteen years. I know this isn’t something you care about, but I love myself now. I never did when I was alive. And like I said, I know you don’t care. Self-love wasn’t important to you, just self-sacrifice. From your point of view, I’ve been pretty selfish since I died. And if I let myself think about that, I feel bad. But I’ve changed so much, and I know that I’m not really selfish for putting myself first. You were selfish. You wanted me to be exactly like you, to follow all your rules, to be the perfect daughter, but I wasn’t. And I’m definitely not now. I’m a lot more than that, bigger than that, better than that. I’m me. For the first time ever, I’m me.
I’ll never have another chance to say this, so I’ll say it now. I’m a lesbian. You’d be horrified if you knew that. You probably would’ve kicked me out. But it’s true. I’m a lesbian, and that’s okay. It’s not a bad thing, not something that makes me different from everyone else. It’s just that I love girls and I don’t owe men anything, especially not my attraction. So hopefully you figure out that it’s not a bad thing to be gay. Hopefully you don’t hurt other people like you’ve hurt me.
Just because I blame you for my life, doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I love you so, so much. I love you enough that I want you to change. And I really hope this changes you. I’m not going to heaven, I’m going to everything, so maybe I’ll be able to help you, not consciously, but by being there, in the air you breathe, in the things you say, in you. A part of me will always be in you, just like a part of you has always been in me.
Please change. You guys have held yourselves back your entire lives, or your adult lives at least. You put all these made up rules on yourselves, and squeeze yourselves to fit in the guidelines of what you think is right. I want you guys to change. To let yourselves be! To let yourselves love each other the way you deserve. Be better than this. Be more. Promise me that you won’t let my death put you further down. Promise me that you’ll let me lift you up. I love you. Thank you for doing your best, even if it wasn’t enough. Do better now. Be the people you should have been for me. Be the people you are.
All my love,
Your daughter