by Fiona Faris
“Och, lass!” he exclaimed as he swooped her up into his arms and carried her back to the bed. “Ye should nae be up and about on such unsteady legs.”
“I heard you speaking outside of the door and wished to see that all was well.”
James’ face took on a look of alarm. “What did ye hear?”
“I heard everything.”
James’ jaw clenched so hard that she thought his teeth would crack and fall out of his skull. “And what do ye plan tae do with what ye have learned?”
“I plan to help you.”
His eyebrows nearly shot up into his hair. “Help me?”
“Yes, I am going to help you.”
“How can a Sassenach help me?’
His use of her status as an outsider after everything they had discussed earlier in the evening further wounded her already vulnerable heart. Tears flooded her eyes, blinding his face to her. “By keeping your secret to start,” she bit out bitterly.
“Ye are angry,” he observed more than asked.
“How could you use my being English against me after all that we talked about?”
“I didnae mean offense, lass. I only meant that this is nae a problem that ye can help me with.”
“But I can, and to be honest, I believe that I already have. I heard what you told Samuel about using me to draw out possible troublemakers within the clan. I saw how people reacted to my presence at the oath-taking. You purposefully meant to cause strife within your clan, and my being there did just that. I can do it again. Perhaps those that learn to accept my presence in time are more likely not the men you are looking for. Those who continue to protest or to make trouble will help you to see who might be capable of challenging your leadership. I am not certain that I am right, of course, but it might work.”
James stood there staring at her for a time in surprise. “Ye are willin’ tae involve yerself in the dangers o’ blackmail and intrigue that are nae o’ yer own makin’?”
“If you are not safe, then neither am I. It is in my own best interest to ensure that you are not deposed. You did the honorable thing, and I will not see you punished for it if it is within my power to do something about it.”
“Ye are an unusual lass, tae be sure.” James shook his head in amazement, “but I will nae put ye in danger.”
“I am already in danger. Being English in Scotland puts me in danger. The dreams I have been having, the memories, all seem to indicate that I was in danger long before I was stranded on your island.”
“Did ye have another memory?”
“Yes, I believe so. How did you know?”
“Yer face bespoke o’ a more recent pain, one ye had nae had the time tae hide.”
“Now who is being astute?”
“What happened, lass? What did ye remember?”
“I think that I remembered my father. Not who he was such as a name or the like, but more how he was.” She averted her eyes unable to meet his as the memory swept over her once more.
James lifted her chin with his finger. “How was he?”
Elizabeth sighed. “Cruel.”
“Do ye think that he is the one who killed yer maither?”
“I do not know, but I do not believe so. It is hard to say, as it is more of a feeling than anything else. I remember him hitting me.”
“’Tis common for faithers tae discipline their children.”
“Yes, but it was more than that. The memory of the pain was so intense that it caused me to fall backward. I remember him beating me, James, and not simply as a disciplinary action. I can still see the anger, the hatred, in his eyes when he glared down at me. It was so very real, frightening.”
“’Tis sorrowful I am tae hear it, lass. Nae lass should be treated thus.”
“All I seem to be able to remember are terrible things. Death, violence, pain; every memory is inundated with it.” Tears spilled down over her cheeks, despite her desire to remain calm. “James, I am not certain that I wish to return to such a life. Perhaps it was better than my memories, but I have serious doubts as to that being true.”
“I cannae say I would wish for ye tae return if it was tae such a life as that; but for me people’s sake, it is nae safe for ye tae remain here. The moment that the English discover that ye are missing, they will descend upon our island as a storm. We cannae have English soldiers here.” He lowered his voice even more. “Agnes cannae have English soldiers here.”
Elizabeth’s eyes widened in understanding. “Nay, that cannot happen. Shall I leave Skye and return to England?”
“Where would ye go, lass? Where would ye stay?”
“I do not know.”
“It is not safe for ye tae return without the proper protection of family.”
“I suppose I could stay in an inn somewhere.”
“Ye dinnae have money, lass. E’en if I gave ye all that ye would need, it wouldnae protect ye from the unsavory nature o’ unscrupulous men. Ye would need a protector, and I cannae leave Skye unprotected.”
Elizabeth nodded her head. “Then what shall we do? Why did you not tell me sooner of the danger that my presence brought to your people?”
“What purpose would it have served? Would it have changed anythin’? Would it have made ye remember yer past more quickly?”
“Nay,” Elizabeth admitted.
“Then it would have served nae purpose but tae upset ye, and ye didnae need that weight upon ye.”
“I feel it now.”
“Aye, ye now share the burden o’ me secrets.”
“As you do, what few that are mine.”
“Aye.” James reached out and caressed her cheek in empathy. “’Tis a heavy weight tae bear. I wouldnae wish it on ye, lass.”
“It is better to know the truth and fear it, than to believe a lie and suffer all the more for it.”
“Aye.” James smiled down at her with newfound admiration. “Ye are a strong woman, Elizabeth.”
“And you are a stronger man than anyone knows. You are a good leader, James, to protect your people as you do. They do not know how blessed they are.”
“Or cursed.”
“No, not cursed. They were cursed before under the rule of your father, but no more. You will save them from themselves and from the English.”
“May it be so.”
Chapter Eleven
James left Elizabeth’s room after settling Samuel and Agnes into the adjacent drawing-room. He knew that his continuous absences from the gathering in the hall would have been commented upon, but there was nothing for it. Perhaps me absence will reveal more than me presence. When he returned to the hall once more, he found a great many of his clansmen to have succumbed to the abundance of whiskey that had flowed so freely. People were scattered about the floor in various states of consciousness. Families had left the hall and returned to their various places of rest in preparation for the next day’s festivities.
William was sitting by the fire watching out over all those that remained. James joined him, taking the seat across from him. “Elizabeth knows,” he murmured softly.
William looked at him sharply. “How?”
“She overheard me tellin’ Samuel and Agnes.”
William sighed and then nodded slowly. “I suppose it was only a matter o’ time afore someone else found out. What did she say?”
“She wishes tae be o’ aid.”
William snorted. “And how can a Sassenach do that?”
“The same way we used her at the oath takin’.”
“She figured it out, did she?”
“Aye, she did.”
“Quick lass.”
“Aye, she is.” James felt a glow of pride in thinking about Elizabeth’s intelligence. She had surprised him. With each day that passed, he found her to be more admirable than the last. He found his mind ever drawn to her.
“Ye care for the lass.” It was a statement, not a question. “Ye ken that ye cannae have her, lad. For ye tae marry a Sassenach would only make matt
ers worse. Ye cannae risk losing those that support ye o’er an English bride. If ye must wet yer tauger then do so, but dinnae wed the lass.”
“She is nae the sort o’ lass tae be used so and then discarded, William. She is a lady o’ breedin’ and intelligence. She is a lass meant for kings, nae an island laird. Ye can rest assured that nae such notion has entered me mind.” Even as the words left his mouth, he knew it was a lie. He had stood in her bedchamber gazing down at her as she pledged herself to his aid, and all he could think about was keeping her safe with him forever. The idea of her returning to England without his protection had caused his heart to constrict in his chest. “I will nae wed her, but I will nae use her and abandon her either. She is worth more than that.”
William studied his face intently for a moment. “Ye love her.”
“Nae.” James shook his head. “Dinnae be daft.”
William raised a brow in question but nodded anyway. “As ye say.”
James shook his head in frustration at William’s words. “Did ye discover anythin’ in me absence?”
“Nae, anythin’ o’ worth.”
“’Tis nae an easy thing tae see in tae the minds and hearts o’ men. ‘Twill nae be done with but a murmur here or a well-placed spy there. They wouldnae have been able tae remain hidden for so long if it were that simple; we would have discovered them by now. I fear we are goin’ tae need every resource we have available tae us; unfortunately that includes Elizabeth.”
“I dinnae like it, but I concede that ye may be right.”
“Aye, I am nae fond o’ the idea either; but she is right, we have little aid and even less time.”
William nodded. “I dinnae trust the lass, but then I dinnae trust anyone.”
“Ye dinnae have tae trust her tae use her.” James knew his words sounded harsh, but he needed to make the point. He needed everyone to be able to work together. He did not need William alienating Elizabeth and making her to feel more of an outsider than she already did.
“Aye, I suppose that is true.”
Sighing, James stood and placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Tomorrow.”
“Aye, tomorrow.”
James retired to his room and lay down upon the bed. His thoughts immediately turned to Elizabeth. She is e’er a surprise tae me. I would ne’er have thought her tae act as she did, offerin’ her aid so quickly. Had I been her and heard what she heard, I believe I would have kept it tae meself and plotted me escape as soon as possible. She is a brave lass tae be so honest and givin’ o’ herself.
His admiration of her continued to grow with every moment that passed. She had frightened him with her near-drowning in the sea. He had not expected such emotion from a high-born Englishwoman. He had been told that English ladies were cold, reserved, and distant. Elizabeth was none of those things. She was warm, caring, brave, passionate; and all without ever knowing who she truly was. Had he lost his memory as she had, he would not have taken it as well, nor would he have been as trusting of him as she had been. She had not even been angry that he had used her to ignite his clansmen’s anger during the oath-taking. James thought about William’s accusations of love and marriage.
There is nae a lass akin tae her on the entire island. How is one tae settle for marryin’ anythin’ less than the likes o’ such lassies as Elizabeth or Marra MacDonald. How am I tae choose a lesser wife tae aid leadin’ our people? Me people deserve the best that I can give them, but they would ne’er accept such a thing.
James could not believe the feelings that he was having for a lass that he barely knew. He shook his head, rolling over onto his side. His body stirred at the thought of Elizabeth as his wife, in his bed. He closed his eyes and imagined holding her in his arms every night for the rest of his days. He remembered the feel of her body against his as she burned with fever, the sea washing over them. His breathing rose and fell in time with the tide as the image of her translucent skin in the moonlight rippled through his mind, causing his heart to quicken. Opening his eyes, he sat up and breathed in deeply, attempting to cool the internal fire that the memory ignited within his soul. Rising, he grabbed a book from the table beside his bed and stoked the fire. Sitting down in a chair, he flipped the book open to where he had last read.
‘Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs,
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes,
Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears.
What is it else? A madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet.’
James looked up from the page and gazed into the flames. William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet had been one of his mother’s favorites, and he had read it many times since her death. Auld Willie Shakes kenned a man’s heart well enough. It is as if he were there in the sea with Elizabeth and me, he captured it so well. But love… it is tae soon for such foolishness. James shook his head in denial. I cannae love her. It is impossible. It is disastrous. It is… His mind fought what his heart already knew.
Unable to shake the image of her weeping in his arms from his mind, James left his bedchamber and climbed the stairs to Elizabeth’s rooms. Easing the outer door open, he slipped silently past Samuel and Agnes. Opening the inner bedchamber door, he stepped inside and walked over to the bed. He told himself that he had only come to see to her wellbeing and nothing more; but as he gazed down into her sleeping face, he knew that he was lying to himself. He had come as much for his own wellbeing as for hers.
“I cannae love ye, Sassenach. I cannae,” he whispered as he traced the outline of her features with his fingers brushing back the hair from her face. Another of Shakespeare’s quotes, this time from The Tempest, came to his mind, and he whispered it aloud.
“Hear my soul speak.
The very instant that I saw you did
My heart fly to your service, there resides
To make me slave to it, and for your sake
Am I this…”
James paused for but a moment changing the last words to those of his own devising. “…lost man.” A tear slipped down his cheek, unbidden, as he pulled his hand away from her silken curls. He had very nearly lost her this night, and the thought upset him far more than he wished to admit to himself. When he had felt the most lost and alone that he had ever felt in his life, she had washed ashore and turned his world on end.
“Ye ken all o’ me secrets, and all o’ me lies. I am powerless against ye. Ye held me life in yer hands this night, and yet ye chose tae return it tae me richer than when I thought it was lost tae me. How is it that such a lass exists? Perhaps ye are but a trick o’ the fates, a selkie come tae take me heart with ye back tae the sea, leavin’ nothin’ but a broken, lost man behind ye. I could ne’er have seen ye comin’ in tae me life afore now, but now that ye are here, I cannae see livin’ here without ye. ‘Tis nae but foolishness on me part, and yet I am powerless tae change it. It is as if ye have taken control o’ me heart and mind, leavin’ yer mark upon me soul.”
Elizabeth stirred at his whispered words, and James slipped silently from the room, leaving naught but the echoes of his heart’s confession behind.
* * *
Elizabeth opened her eyes, unsure what had awakened her. She sat up, peering into the darkness. “Is anyone there?” she asked the shadows around her. No reply. “Is anyone out there?” she called a bit louder, but once again was met with naught but silence. Lying back against the pillows, she stared wistfully into the flames. She had been dreaming of James and how he had carried her up out of the waves to safety. She was not certain if she would have followed through with taking her own life, but she had been overcome with grief for all that she had lost and all the uncertainties that lay ahead. It had hurt her beyond imagining hearing James speak of her as an outsider not to be trusted. She could still feel the pounding beat of his heart against the palm of her hand as he had sworn to her that they would find a way forward together.
She closed her eyes and felt his
skin against her own once more. The feel of his neck against her face as she had clung to him had been more comforting than anything she could remember. There was something about the man that hurt her and yet soothed her in nearly equal measure. When she was not with him, her heart ached for him to be near; but when he was near, she felt confused. He made her feel as if she belonged and yet did not. He awakened within her a continual contradiction of emotions, a tempestuous battle between her heart and her mind.