by Londyn Skye
“I guess I hate to accept that, but you’re right. That’s exactly what I’s initially thinkin’. But it just pains me too much to imagine the worst right now.” James let out a heavy sigh. “I tell you what, Harrison, it’s eatin’ a hole in my soul not to have the slightest clue where my wife could really be.”
“I can only imagine. I think I’d crumble to pieces if I eva’ lost my wife and son. I honestly don’t know how you’re holdin’ it togetha’ right now.”
“By a goddamn thread, that’s how. And it feels like that thread is bound to snap at any minute.”
Harrison was silent for a moment while he thought of something. “Have you considered checkin’ out some ‘a those unda’ground secret safe houses? I’ve heard whispa’s about more and more of those places poppin’ up and helpin’ slaves make their way to freedom. A case I once worked on involved an ex-slave who told me he’d been to three different safe houses here in Ohio. He said they were set up just as ya’ cross ova’ the borda’ from Virginia. One was on the outskirts of Watertown, anotha’ near Reedsville, and also somewhere around Marietta. He said they were more like makeshift camps than actual houses. All of ‘em were in remote locations in the middle of the woods. He said they were hidden really well. I ain’t sure exactly how to get to any of ’em, but maybe it’s worth checkin’ out before you head north.”
“Now that I think about it, Gideon once mentioned relayin’ supplies for a few Negro infirmaries on the outskirts of Belpre and Marietta durin’ his mission trips. Maybe it’s a possibility that he sought help from someone there.”
“Sounds promisin’.”
“Anything’s possible at this point. I’ll give it all a shot before I head to Manhattan.”
“And I’ll see what information I can find on my end. I’ll be sure to keep William’s address. If I find out anything about Lily, I’ll write to ’em and let ’em know.”
“I’d appreciate that.”
“I’ll be prayin’ you find ’er.”
“Thank you. I need all the prayers I can get.” James stood up. “Listen, do you mind if I sleep in your barn tonight? I’ll be gone before sunrise, and I’ll find anotha’ place to hide out until nightfall.”
Harrison stood up too. “Hell no, you can’t sleep in the barn. You can take y’ur ass in there to the guest bedroom. You can leave wheneva’ you’re ready.”
“But…”
“But nothin. I’m a lawya’, rememba’? I know all too well about plausible deniability.”
“What the hell is that?” James asked.
“Simply put … nobody can prove that I know you’re a fugitive, so there’s nothin’ to worry about.” Harrison pointed. “Second door on the left. Get some rest. Feel free to eat whateva’ you like when ya’ get up. You can take some leftova’s with ya’ when ya’ leave too. I’m off to get some sleep while that boy ‘a mine is down.”
James nodded. “Thanks for everything.”
“Anytime.”
Utilizing Harrison’s generosity, James spent the daytime hours hiding out in his house and playing with his new Godson. When Zachariah went down for his nap, James wanted to take a nap too, but the pages of Levi’s journal had him far too full of intrigue to sleep. He dug the first book out of his satchel, laid back on his bed, and continued to read where he left off …
Chapter Nine
September 1834
Levi closed the barn door behind himself and lowered the latch to stop anyone else from entering. Startled by the thud, Maya turned around to find herself trapped there with him. He felt an intense rush of warmth flood his body when she smiled at him. He exhaled as he gazed at her in return. For the remaining three days that his family was out of town, Levi had stayed the night in Maya’s cottage, making love to her, talking and laughing with her, and falling asleep with her in his arms. It pained him to abruptly dispense with the beautiful ritual when his family finally returned. Levi had not been himself since then. With Maya constantly on his mind, he was barely able to sleep or ingest food. Oddly though, he was not thinking about what most men would be after such an unforgettable experience with a woman. There was something else saturating his mind that he knew he needed to speak with Maya about sooner rather than later. Finally having mentally prepared himself to do that, Levi walked over and stood within a foot of her. “Maya, about what happened between us …” he suddenly froze. He had gone over in his head a hundred times what he wanted to say but standing there now with Maya’s beautiful doe-like eyes trained on him, he suddenly forgot every word. His throat had gone dry, his palms were sweaty, and his heart began pounding as he watched the joyful smile start to fade from her face.
By the way Levi was looking at her, Maya already knew what was weighing heavily on his pounding heart. “It’s alright,” she replied. “No need to explain.” Feeling embarrassed, she lowered her head. “It was all a mistake.”
Levi gently lifted her head. He waited for her to acknowledge him with her eyes. “A mistake? Is that what you really think?”
Maya nodded. “But I unda’stand why,” she replied, lowering her head again when she felt the sting of impending tears.
“If you think I feel an ounce of guilt or shame about what happened between us, then no … you don’t unda’stand.” Levi lifted Maya’s head again. “If there’s one thing I’ve neva’ had a single regret about in my life, it was the honor of makin’ love to you.”
“But I see regret written all ova’ your face.”
“There’s a million emotions runnin’ through me right now…” He took hold of Maya’s hand. “But I promise ya’, regret ain’t one of ’em.”
“Maybe not. But I sense there’s somethin’ wrong. I can feel it.”
“Ironically, what’s wrong is the fact that I don’t feel an ounce of guilt or regret about what happened between us.” Levi let go of Maya’s hand, exhaled, and took a step back. He suddenly had a far away look in his eyes when he finally recalled what he had come to say. “You’ll just know…”
Maya looked confused. “I don’t unda’stand.”
“That’s what my fatha’ told me when I’s around thirteen-years-old,” Levi explained. “I had asked him how I was s’possed to know when I’d found the right woman to spend my life with. He looked at me and said, ‘Son … you’ll just know. It’s nothin’ any man can eva’ explain. You’ll just know.’ My fatha’ and motha’ were happily married for decades, so I thought he’d have some wisdom-filled answa’ that would solve that mystery for me, but … you’ll just know. That’s all he had to say. For years and years, I didn’t have the slightest clue what he meant by that.” Levi returned from the lost land of his memory and looked directly into Maya’s eyes. “Not until the day you walked onto this plantation.
“For the last three years, it feels like I’ve done nothin’ but think about you all day everyday … nonstop. Somethin’ happens in my life, good or bad, and you’re the first person I wish I could tell. I go to bed at night wishin’ like mad that I could make love to you and hold you in my arms while we sleep. I fall asleep and I have the most glorious dreams about you. I jump up every mornin’ eaga’ to see you, ’cause workin’ beside you is always the best part ‘a my day. Hell, I can’t stand it in this damn barn the minute you walk outta here. I watch you with my boys and wish to God you were their motha’. And that smile ‘a yours. I see you smilin’ at my boys, and all ‘a God’s precious wonda’s, and it lights up my world. I ain’t neva’ felt like this for anyone before … not eva’. In fact, I didn’t know a man could eva’ be so strongly affected by a woman. Such a thing was foreign to me … until you moved here. It was then that I realized my fatha’ was right. It’s nothin’ I had the words to explain. I just knew … I knew almost immediately that there was this incredible woman named Maya that I wanted to spend the rest ‘a my life with. Because you’re everything I’ve eva’ wanted in a woman and in a motha’ for my children … absolutely everything.”
Even after absorbing the genuine
tone in Levi’s voice as he divulged his sentimental secrets, Maya still did not succumb to her need to cry. She just continued quietly gazing into Levi’s eyes.
Levi stepped forward and gently touched her face. “A mistake?” Levi shook his head. “I will neva’ in life view what happened between us as such a thing. How could it eva’ be a mistake to make love to the woman who finally made complete and total sense of my fatha’s answa’?”
Wanting to protect her emotions, Maya still tried not to let her heart fully absorb Levi’s passionate confession. “You say these beautiful things, but you’ve come to tell me that you don’t wanna make love to me anymore … haven’t you?” she asked, her voice quivering slightly as she fought to swallow back her tears.
“Maya, I want you like I have neva’ wanted anything else eva’ before in my whole damn life,” Levi replied with most intense look on his face. “The greatest moment ‘a my life was layin’ inside ‘a you. I didn’t know it was s’pposed to feel that way, like no words were eva’ invented to adequately describe it.” He shook his head and closed his eyes as he thought of it. “I just neva’ knew.” He opened his eyes and looked at Maya. “And now that I do know, it’s got me wantin’ you in a way that makes me feel like I’ll go mad if I’m denied the honor of makin’ love to you … But it’s not just the pleasures of your body I want, Maya.” He touched her cheek again. “I want you. I want a life with you. I want a home with you. I wanna raise my boys with you … I wanna marry you. Perhaps that’s what you see written on my face. The look of a man who’s been wrackin’ his brain for days tryna figure out how I give this incredible woman the sort ‘a life she well deserves. You got my thoughts and desires spiralin’ outta control. You make me wanna say to hell with all the rules, to hell with consequences, to hell with society. The things I’ve been seriously thinkin’ about sacrificin’ for you makes me feel like I’m goin’ completely insane. I’m wantin’ to give up everything to build a life with you, Maya. But how? That one question’s got me up at night. It gnaws at me at every second of the day.
“Trust me, if I had the powa’ to take you and my boys and flee to a place where we could all live in peace togetha’, we’d’ve been gone years ago.” Levi exhaled. “But afta’ wrackin’ my brain for three days, I realize that I just keep askin’ myself a question that there is no answa’ to. I simply have to swallow the painful reality that I can’t make the sort ‘a sacrifices I wanna make for you without severe consequences and destroyin’ lives in the process.” He caressed Maya’s face again. “And I just can’t bring myself to lay inside ‘a you every night knowin’ that’s all I can eva’ give you. I can’t be a loyal, God-fearin’ man and do that to you. You deserve so much more than that. I don’t just wanna give you that little piece of me. I wanna give you all ‘a me. I wanna be the sort ‘a man that gives you everything in life. I wanna put you on a pedestal where a woman like you rightfully belongs…” Levi shamefully dropped his head after finding it hard to look Maya in the eyes as he finished his statement. “And it hurts to know that I can’t.”
Maya also lowered her head to hide her face when the sting of tears began to escalate into a burn. “I unda’stand now,” she replied.
Hearing defeat in Maya’s tone, Levi finally looked up at her again. “Maya, please, don’t look away from me,” he begged, gently lifting her head again. “I don’t think you truly do unda’stand how hard it is for me to say these things to you. But just know that it takes every bit ‘a strength within me to keep doin’ right by my family. Truth be told, I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna find the strength to deprive myself ‘a you, and that’s the God’s honest truth. I feel like I deserve the pain that’s sure to come for not givin’ you all that you deserve. So please, at the very least …” He gently touched her cheek. “I beg you not to deprive me of seein’ this beautiful face when we speak.”
Maya nodded, forcing a smile. “I know how hard it is. And I do believe it’s the right thing to do. You have to do right by your boys. Your boys are my world. I’d go to the ends of the earth for ‘em and they ain’t even mine,” she said, managing another brief smile. “So, I can only imagine what you’d do to ensure their happiness.”
Levi could not help but kiss Maya’s hand for hearing her speak that way about his sons. It further added to the pain of not being able to openly share his life with her.
“Logically, I know you’re doin’ the right thing,” Maya reiterated, feeling the lump starting to tighten in her throat. “That’s why I just can’t unda’stand why this hurts so bad.”
Levi knew exactly what force was at work making her feel such pain over the matter; it was the same emotional force that was causing his current pain too.
“I guess I’ve been ignorant too,” Maya confessed. “I neva’ realized that there was such a beautiful difference in just tryna makin’ babies and makin’ love … until the past few nights with you.” She looked Levi in the eyes with tears welling in hers. “Ain’t nobody eva’ made love to me or touched me the way you did,” she admitted, her lip slightly quivering. “It’s the first time I didn’t eva’ have to pretend to feel loved. I just … I ain’t neva’ felt so loved.”
“That’s because you are, Maya,” Levi responded rapidly. “I love you to your precious stars and back. Despite our situation, don’t you eva’ doubt that, ya’ hear?”
Maya suddenly buried her face in her hands. His beautiful confession caused her to completely unravel. She did not stand a chance of holding back the deluge of tears that suddenly erupted from her eyes. Her tears instantly triggered Levi’s. He wrapped his arms around her and held her as she wept. He equally needed her warmth to soothe himself.
When their emotions settled slightly, Levi gently raised Maya’s head to look her in the eyes. “If there’s anything I regret, it’s these tears I’ve caused,” he said as he tried to wipe them away. “Feels like a dagger in my heart.”
As always, Maya quickly found the courage to cope with the reality of her life. She thought of Levi’s adorable little boys and they instantly gave her strength. She exhaled and stepped out of his embrace. “You’re an upstandin’, honorable man, Levi Collins. I greatly respect you for that. So, you do what you have to do for your sons. Don’t you worry about me … I’ll be okay.”
Levi believed her, but that notion did not stop him from worrying, nor the excruciating pain in his chest. “Well then, you’re a stronga’ woman than I am a man. I’ll neva’ be okay with not lovin’ you the way you deserve. To not have your words soothin’ my ears, to not have the sweet sound of your laughta’ healin’ me, to not feel the touch of your soft lips, to not feel your bare skin next to mine while I hold you in my arms at night is gonna cripple me … in fact, it already has.”
“It may take time, but I have the utmost faith that you’ll find the inna’ strength to weatha’ this storm too.” Maya then cleared her eyes, stepped past Levi and exited the barn.
Levi turned to watch Maya leave. The way he suddenly struggled to breathe, he swore his heart departed along with her.
Chapter Ten
After reading a few more pages of Levi’s journal, James forced himself to sleep during the remainder of the daylight hours. At nightfall, he gathered some food and gave Harrison his letter to mail to William, stating that he would be arriving in Manhattan in the coming days. James then said his goodbyes to Lauren, Harrison, and baby Zachariah and set out in search of the safe houses that Harrison had mentioned. After traveling nearly eight hours, he arrived in Reedsville. He found a place to hide during the daylight hours and then spent all night searching every heavily wooded area he encountered. All he found was a series of wind-torn tents, pots, and pans that he assumed were the abandoned remains of a slave safe-house. James slept there and took anything of use before pushing further north five hours to Belpre, only to come up empty there as well. His disappointment also persisted in Watertown. While on the four-hour trek to Marietta, however, James lucked out and came up on a small impoveri
shed town in the middle of nowhere. From a distance, he watched the well-hidden little town and learned that it was indeed a tiny Negro community. As he sat spying on the outskirts, there was a two-story building there that caught his attention. By the sort of people and equipment he saw moving in and out of the place, James assumed it was a small hospital.
As soon as darkness fell, James began making his way toward the tiny community. Not wanting to prance through the town like an authoritative aggressor, he left his horse and weapons tied to a tree and walked down to the clinic instead. Moving briskly, he was able to make it to the hospital without encountering anyone. The run-down building barely had a working door, let alone any locks. He walked right in and was instantly met with the glaring eyes of two women who looked to be in charge of caring for all the sick patients there. They immediately froze when they saw him.
James could sense the fear that had come over the two ladies after seeing his unfamiliar white face. He laid his jacket down and slightly raised his hands in the air to help put them at ease. “I’m not here to harm anyone. I’m lookin’ for someone and I’m hopin’ y’all can help me.”
The two nurses just turned to look at one another. They then turned to look at James again without saying a word.
“May I approach you?”
Again, they remained silent.
James kept his hands up and moved cautiously toward them anyway. He stopped five feet away from the both of them. “My name is James. I’m lookin’ for a Negro woman named Lily. Light brown skin. She’s about this tall.” He motioned with his hand. “She’s slenda’ with long, dark-brown, curly hair and greenish hazel eyes. She’s a very beautiful woman, but she may have been brought here in pretty bad shape with an olda’ white man named Gideon … Gideon Whitfield. He’s a doctor. I think he may even have relayed supplies to someone for this hospital in the past. They would’ve been here sometime around mid-April. Any recollection of the two of ’em?”