by Londyn Skye
“For the next two years, I’ll look in the mirror and see the sobbin’ pathetic mess that I now refuse to let my daughta’ be! Through swollen eyes, I’ll see reflectin’ back at me the very reason that I don’t want Lily to know what it’s like to feel the full extent ‘a the love you’re capable of showin’ her! Eva’! I’m a grown woman and I can barely handle bein’ deprived of your love afta’ feelin’ the true powa’ of it! I don’t even wanna think about how it would devastate a little girl!”
Maya wiped her tears again and looked straight at Levi. “But yet, here you are insistin’ on puttin’ Lily through that torture. She may be just a toddla’, but Lily rememba’s everything! She’ll rememba’ every detail of the day Masa’ Lee made ’er pancakes and let ’er sleep in a fancy house in a real bed. She’ll rememba’ how wonderful it felt for you to read to ’er, dance with ’er, and play with ’er all day. You’ll give ’er one beautiful day that her brilliant little mind will neva’ eva’ forget! But even as smart as she is, she’ll neva’ unda’stand why you then suddenly snatched it all away from her … just like you always used to do to her when she was a baby!
“So many times back then, you heard your wife comin’ back home unexpectedly and you tossed Lily aside like garbage. You always scampered outta there and left me alone with a cryin’ baby in my arms. And I’s unable to give ’er the one thing that she was hollerin’ for, because he was too busy fleein’ from the room, so his wife didn’t catch ’em there! As wise as Lily is now, do you really think she’ll be okay with a few stolen moments that you’re only willin’ to give ’er while your wife is in town? Do you think she’s just s’pposed to accept the fact that ’er own daddy goes runnin’ out the door the minute your wife returns?!”
Levi swallowed hard, but it did nothing to hold back the tears that suddenly began trickling down his cheeks.
“Do you?!” Maya demanded.
Levi subtly shook his head.
“I don’t want Lily to go to bed at night in a puddle ‘a tears, cravin’ the sort ‘a fatherly love that you show your boys! I don’t want ’er lyin’ there wonderin’ why she only eva’ gets small pieces ‘a your love thrown at ’er wheneva’ it’s convenient for you!” Maya continued. “But that probably doesn’t matta’ to you, does it? Because you ain’t the one who’d have to deal with the heartbroken look on ’er face every time you leave. You wouldn’t have to see those tears in her eyes when she starts askin’ why she can’t go to church with ’er brotha’s, or why she can’t sleep in the fancy house like ’er brotha’s. Why won’t my daddy let me eat dinna’ with ’em? Why don’t my daddy treat me like my brotha’s? Why’s my daddy always runnin’ away from me? Why doesn’t he love me as much as my brotha’s?! Afta’ you shatta’ Lily’s heart into a million little pieces and toss ’er aside like garbage, I’d be the one who has to answa’ those questions with the cold-hearted truth! That she’s nothin’ but her daddy’s secret bastard love child … an abomination created in sin! I’d be left to look ’er in her innocent little eyes and tell ’er that … not you!”
Maya’s words hit Levi like the force of a tornado, immediately ceasing his selfish desires and self-pity. Her confessions having beaten the strength out of him, he slowly sat down on the bed without a word and dropped his face into his hands.
“So, unless you wanna be the one to explain these god-awful things to a child, I’m beggin’ you to respect my wishes, Levi … please!” Maya pleaded. “It just ain’t right for a child to bear the heavy burden of adult secrets.”
Maya caught her breath, wiped the tears out of her eyes, and looked down at the heap she had reduced Levi to. “One ‘a the hardest things I’ve eva’ had to do was tellin’ you not to be a part ‘a Lily’s life anymore. It used to bring joyous tears to my eyes to watch you play with her as a baby. I loved the way you loved her. It crushed me just as much as it crushed you to deprive her of your love. And I still see it in your eyes when you look at Lily. I can feel how much you still love that little girl, Levi,” she said, her tone finally softer. “But you love and you love hard. And if you express that to Lily, even for a little while, and then snatch it all away, you’ll devastate her for a lifetime. Bein’ ignorant to your love is bliss. Trust me … I speak from experience.”
Levi still could not find the strength to lift his head. He continued staring at the massive puddle of tears near his feet. Still too numb to talk, he held out a hand toward Maya. It was the only way he could express that her two-minute confrontation had immediately put to rest two years of anger and inability to forgive her decision about Lily. Maya walked over and slid her hand into his without hesitation. He pulled her closer, wrapped his arms around her waist, and nestled his head against her abdomen. It was as if he needed to be close to her to regain the strength to speak. “I’m so s-sorry, Maya,” he finally said, his quivering voice raw with emotion. “I neva’ meant to h-hurt eitha’ of you. That’s neva’ been m-my intention. I swear that to you,” he said, his tears soaking her dress.
Maya squatted before Levi, held his face and made him look her in the eyes. “I don’t have one single solitary doubt about that. Not one. I’ve neva’ thought for a second that you would eva’ intentionally hurt us. And I neva’ will … that I swear to you too.”
Levi nodded as Maya wiped his tears. “The happy life you described with me, Lily, and my boys … that’s the life I’ve been cravin’ to have with you too. But no matta’ how hard I try, I can neva’ figure out the right answa’ to this situation,” he sighed.
“That’s because there is no right answa’. We’ll both always be victims of our circumstances … and so will Lily. And we both have to find a way to accept that.”
Her words suddenly made Levi’s tears flow harder. His mind and his heart were nowhere near ready to accept that painful truth. Maya continued holding his hand and caressing his face until his tears subsided.
After a few quiet minutes, Levi finally found the strength to stand. He exhaled, took Maya by the hand again, and quietly led her over to the room that he wished was permanently Lily’s. He let go of Maya’s hand and sat down on the bed next to his daughter again. He just stared at her for a moment as she slept peacefully. “My little masta’piece,” he choked out past the lump in his throat. “I still can’t believe I had anything to do with creatin’ somethin’ so perfect,” he said, as he softly stroked her hair. “I’m convinced we made the most beautiful little girl in the world,” he added, his voice beginning to quiver again.
Levi picked Lily up and she roused slightly from her sleep. She shifted in her father’s embrace, snuggled her head into the crook of his neck, gathered her arms tighter around him, and fell right back into a deep sleep. After two years of being deprived of hugs from his daughter, her involuntary show of affection caused a surge of emotion to suddenly rush to Levi’s chest. He closed his eyes and hugged her tighter. “I adore her. She’s the most precious thing in my life. She’s not an abomination in my eyes, Maya … she’s my beautiful miracle. I wish the world could see that,” he said as he suddenly began sobbing uncontrollably, weeping in a way that most men would never dare in front of a woman, or even in the absence of one for that matter. “I want s-so desperately to be a p-part ‘a h-her life. A-and it f-feels like a d-dagger in my h-heart to accept that I can’t.” He was crying so hard, Maya could barely understand him.
Now sobbing uncontrollably too, Maya walked over to Levi. Knowing that no words could ever ease his level of sorrow, she attempted to comfort him with her embrace.
Levi pulled Maya close to him too and kissed her on the forehead. “I’ll still always wish I could give you the world,” he whispered.
“You already have,” Maya replied, touching Levi gently on the face. “You made me a motha’. You gave me Lily,” she said, kissing her on the cheek. “And to me she is the world. Otha’ than her freedom, there ain’t nothin’ else I could eva’ want in my life.”
Levi nodded, her words giving him a sliver of peace.
After a few minutes, Maya reluctantly stepped out of Levi’s embrace. The devastated look on his face made it nearly impossible to look him in the eyes as she began to speak. She lowered her head before proceeding. “You need to let us go, Levi. Let go of this idea that we can eva’ be a family. It’ll eat you alive inside,” she sniffled, the words difficult for her to say out loud. “So long as Lily and I have each otha’, we’ll be alright.”
Upon hearing those words, Levi’s heart finally shattered completely. He gathered Lily tighter in his arms, holding her like letting go was a physical impossibility. He was not ready to accept that he would never read Lily another book, hear about her dreams when she awakened each morning, walk her down the aisle, dance with her at her wedding, or experience any of the other unique things that a daughter could bring to his life. Lily would never hear or even know how much her own father loved her, because Maya was right … he needed to let them go.
As painful as it was, Levi gave Maya her music box and walked her back to their cottage, carrying Lily next to his shattered heart the whole way there. With great reluctance, he gently laid Lily back down on her mother’s makeshift bed and kissed her cheek. “Dream beautiful dreams, my sweet little flowa’.” After staring at Lily for a moment, he stood up, walked over to the music box and opened the lid. When the beautiful piano ballad started, he took hold of Maya’s hands. “Will you dance with me one last time?”
With eyes full of tears, Maya wrapped her arms around Levi’s neck and laid her head on his shoulder again. With tears still flowing in his own eyes, Levi laid his head on top of Maya’s. He then swayed slowly to every note of the melody that he had composed for the beloved woman he now had in his arms. The song stopped long before Levi was ready. Another ten years’ worth of notes would not have sufficed, in his estimation. But with silence now in the room, Levi had to accept the abrupt ending to the sentimental song, like a painful metaphor for his desired fantasy weekend with Maya and Lily. After reluctantly letting Maya go from his embrace, he stepped back and gazed lovingly at her, just as he always did. With tears still sparkling in his eyes, he took her by the hand. He guided her to her makeshift bed and helped her lie back down next to Lily, officially putting the subjects of his fantasies back the way he found them. Maya wrapped her arms around Lily and softly kissed her cheek while Levi watched on. He then leaned down and kissed Lily’s soft cheek. “I’m sorry I can’t be the fatha’ that you deserve,” he whispered, his words still broken by emotion. “S-so sorry.” He ran his fingers through her soft tightly curled hair. “But your daddy loves you more than you’ll eva’ know,” he whispered in her ear, hoping maybe that fact would make its way into her dreams. He looked up at Maya and caressed her face. “I love you both to your precious stars and back.”
“If anybody in this world believes that wholeheartedly, Levi … it’s me,” Maya replied, letting a gentle kiss linger on his lips thereafter.
When their lips parted ways, so did Levi. After literally kissing his dreams goodbye, he finally forced himself to leave Maya’s cottage, against his heart’s will. He then begrudgingly dragged himself across the field alone, his head hung in pitiful sorrow. He finally lifted his head near the porch steps to look up at his big empty house. He suddenly could not bear the idea of walking back into it without Maya and Lily inside. Instead, he walked up onto his porch and leaned against the railing. He stared out at the night sky, wondering if there was a world out there that Maya had seen through her telescope that would accept them both with open arms.
After standing there a while, Levi finally sat down on the rocking chair behind him, closed his eyes, rested his elbows on his knees, and clasped his hands together. “Lord, I know I’ve sinned, but please don’t let the world take it out on my little girl. God, I’m beggin’ you for anotha’ miracle. Please make a way for Lily to have an incredible life, one that’s far granda’ than what I could eva’ possibly give to her in a world like this. I’d give my life for you to bestow such a miracle in hers.” Levi put his head in his hands and broke down crying again, attempting to let his tears flush his beloved child and her mother out of his soul, just as Maya had begged him to do.
Part Two
The Cornerstone Speech
The new Confederate States of America constitution has put at rest forever all the agitating questions relating to our peculiar institution—African slavery as it exists among us—the proper status of the Negro in our form of civilization. Our new government is founded upon exactly the opposite ideas; its foundations are laid, its cornerstone rests, upon the great truth that the Negro is not equal to the white man; that slavery, subordination to the superior race, is his natural and normal condition. This, our new Confederate government, is the first, in the history of the world, based upon this great physical, philosophical, and moral truth. This truth has been slow in the process of its development, like all other truths in the various departments of science. May we not therefore look with confidence to the ultimate universal acknowledgement of the truths upon which our system rests? It is the first government ever instituted upon the principles in strict conformity to nature, and the ordination of Providence, in furnishing the materials of human society. Many governments have been founded upon the principle of the subordination and serfdom of certain classes of the same race; such were and are in violation of the laws of nature. Our system commits no such violation of nature’s laws. Our Confederacy is founded upon principles in strict conformity with these laws. This stone which was rejected by the first builders has now become “the chief of the corner”—the real “Corner-stone”—in our new edifice.
Alexander H. Stephens
Vice President of the Confederate States of America
Savannah, Georgia March 21, 1861
Chapter Seventeen
The Emancipation Proclamation
I, Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States, do declare on the first day of January, in the year of our Lord, one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, that all persons held as slaves within any State, or designated part of a State, the people whereof shall then be in rebellion against the United States, shall be then, thenceforward, and forever free …
President Lincoln began scripting those words in January of 1863 with the intention of freeing slaves that were being forced to fight against the union, therefore, weakening the Confederate army. Though his proclamation was heavily motivated by war strategery, there was a particular slave lingering in the recesses of his mind as he stroked his quill that fateful day. Three years prior, he had sat in a Chicago theater mesmerized by her emotional music and the dancing shadows of her unique symphony. It was a masterpiece he deemed grand enough to later take his family to witness as a Christmas gift at Winter Garden. President Lincoln recalled how honored he felt to later meet the beautiful Negro woman responsible for the symphonic brilliance. The Dream Symphony, and the story of Lily Adams, further enhanced the prideful feeling President Lincoln had as he signed his name on the Emancipation Proclamation, knowing that such a woman would likely be as deeply affected by his actions as he was by hers.
Two years before the Emancipation Proclamation was written, that same lovely woman was heavily on another man’s mind when he, too, scripted a letter regarding the war:
May 27th, 1861
William,
After several months of searching desperately for Lily, my heart is shattered by the fact that Austin and I have still yet to find her. As we have searched, there are battles breaking out all around us, and people are fleeing their small towns as troops march in to take over. A few months ago, Austin and I attended the speech of a man named Alexander Stephens, who claims to be the vice president of the Confederate States of America, a new country the south is attempting to form. He has cited that their new constitution and country will be founded upon Negro subordination, therefore cementing the institution of slavery in the south. Many states in the south are seceding from the union to join the Confederacy in order to maintain th
e right to own slaves. It seems our country is on the verge of being severed forever. In this new battle to maintain the union, there is great debate that the United States may very well be on the eve of the abolition of slavery. Both Austin and I can think of no greater cause worth putting our lives on the line. Therefore, our decision to enlist as privates in the Union army was an easy one. Harrison has also decided to enlist along with us. I now fight this war in Lily’s honor. If I have to die to free her then so be it. Her life and her freedom are worth just that much to me.
With a war of this magnitude spreading across the land, I know that it may be impossible to continue your search for Lily. For that reason, I fully understand if you must suspend your efforts. Please know that I have greatly appreciated everything that you, Griff, the other bandits, and your sons have done to try to bring Lily home. If I still have breath in my lungs when this war is over, I believe that God will find a way for me to hold my beloved wife again. But, this time, as a free woman.
P.S. For necessary anonymity, I have enlisted as Michael Adams. Please address any correspondence with that name and direct it to my brigade.
Sincerely,
Private Michael Adams
First division, Iron Army Brigade of the East
In the three years since writing that letter, James had gone from witnessing the dreams of Lily’s symphony, to witnessing the daily nightmare of slain men surrounding him like fields of wheat. Month after grueling month, James had set up camps near piles of decaying bodies. He slept in tents pitched on top of dirt that had been fertilized with the blood of soldiers. His stomach had become numb to constant pangs of starvation, his skin just as numb to frost, heat, wounds, and bug bites. Using his medical training, he had treated severe burns, permanent facial disfigurements, and slashed abdomens with protruding organs. Stoically, he endured the sight of bullets piercing men, bayonets severing limbs, decapitated heads rolling near his feet, and true friends bleeding to death in his arms, as he rushed them to overrun medic tents. The savage nature of war made his father’s butchery seem like a lovely daydream in comparison.