by Londyn Skye
Confused by Harrison’s random statement, James suddenly stopped putting away a new shipment of medication and looked at him oddly. “What the hell you talkin’ about?”
“Amelia,” Harrison replied, as if it was obvious. “I guess you unda’estimate the powa’ of the Adams’ charm, and how it has this mysterious ability to make women abandon their morals,” he teased. He motioned his head toward Amelia. “I assume she’s made some kind ‘a mistake with you that she now regrets. She’s been avoidin’ you like the plague lately. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed?”
James turned and looked at Amelia, who was sitting in the far corner of the tent. She had her back to him, kindly tending to a patient. The aftereffects of humiliation had indeed caused her to keep her distance from James, something only Harrison seemed to have noticed. That fact was further proven by the sheepish look on James’s face when he turned back to look at Harrison.
“Of course you haven’t noticed … just like all the otha’ fragile carnage you left in your wake back in school,” Harrison replied. He then patted James lightly on the shoulder. “Go easy on Amelia, huh. Don’t fault the woman for carin’ about you.”
James briefly glanced over at Amelia again and then turned back to Harrison. “I’m sorry. I honestly didn’t realize I’s so harsh. I don’t mean to be that way. It just …” He ran his hands through his hair and blew out a breath.
“Just what? Lily? C’mon Adams, it’s been four years.”
“And your point?!” James angrily shot back, instantly incensed by his words.
“Sorry, I…”
“Do you know what it’s like?” James interrupted, his eyes suddenly lowered into angry slits.
“What what’s like?” Harrison responded, looking confused.
“Bein’ forced to watch your fatha’ nearly beat your wife to death? To watch your baby die in your arms?”
Silence.
James took a step toward him. “DO YOU?!” he blurted, his face now fire-red.
Harrison swallowed hard, wishing it was his words that he had just re-ingested. He nervously looked around at all the eyes in the tent suddenly turning in their direction. He then sheepishly glanced back at James and lowered his head in shame.
“Yeah, I didn’t figure you had much experience on havin’ your whole world ripped apart! You may know laws backwards and forwards, but you’re no goddamn expert on when a person’s grief is supposed to expire! You don’t have the slightest clue about this level of pain!” James replied, his voice shaking with emotion. “You’re ignorant as to how just the thought of your own flesh and blood takin’ ’er last breath in your arms can sometimes feel like someone’s suckin’ the air clean outta your own damn lungs! Let me guess! You’ve neva’ felt a stabbin’ pain in your chest ova’ the memory of your fatha’ tryna beat the life outta your wife! You’ve neva’ once felt like a monsta’ was tryna claw its way outta you to brutally murda’ your own brotha’, anytime you think about ’em defilin’ the woman you love! If you’d eva’ experienced even one of those things, you’d unda’stand why the pain from that day has its hooks in my heart, and it won’t let go! You’d know how it can weigh a man down, and stifle ’em from damn near everything! You’d unda’stand why the memories of the way I failed that day makes me wanna put a bullet in my goddamn brain!
“I failed Lily, Harrison! I failed the woman I loved! I failed my little baby!” he exclaimed, his agitation rising. “All day, every day, my mind is haunted by what my fatha’ and brotha’ did to Lily! I’m constantly tortured by the memory of her danglin’ on the verge of death in the back ‘a that wagon, because I failed to protect ’er! I failed as a husband! I failed as a doctor! I failed as a fatha’! I failed as a goddamn man … and it’s eatin’ me alive inside! Where’s Lily?! Is she okay?! Is she still sufferin’ because I failed! Ova’ and ova’ and ova’ and ova’ again that’s all I hear runnin’ through my goddamn head!” James suddenly began banging his fists against his temples. “Fail! Fail! Fail! Fail! It’s devourin’ my sanity!”
“James, calm down,” Harrison said, nervously looking around again at all the flabbergasted eyes pasted on James as he unraveled.
James suddenly stopped hitting himself and looked directly at Harrison, tears now glistening in his eyes. “And yes! Even four years lata’ that day is just as fresh on my mind as the day it happened … and so is the pain. And there’s nothin’…” He glanced at Amelia. “And no one in this camp that can ease the weight ‘a this pain!”
Harrison placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder to calm him. “James, it’ll be alright.”
“NO, IT WON’T BE ALRIGHT!” James yelled, knocking his hand away. “UNLESS I CAN FUCKING GO BACK IN TIME, I CAN NEVA’ MAKE IT RIGHT!” he screamed, suddenly overturning a tableful of medical supplies and storming out of the tent.
Harrison nervously glanced at all the patients staring in his direction, their mouths agape. He then looked at Amelia. Both were too uncomfortable to hold each other’s gaze for long. After a moment, Amelia walked over to pick up the scattered supplies, but Harrison stopped her. “No, please don’t. I’ll clean it up.” Quietly, he went about reorganizing the medical cart. All the while, he was praying that James’s outburst had helped to alleviate even a fraction of his repressed pain.
Unfortunately, that was not remotely the case. Prior to their interaction, James had already been teetering emotionally after receiving another disappointing letter from William regarding Lily. Harrison’s statement had easily nudged him over the edge. He stormed out of the medic tent and went to retrieve his satchel from underneath his cot. He grabbed the Little Mermaid and went to find a place to be alone for his post-letter ritual. However, he was so irate, the book barely settled his racing heart. Not long after, he was back in his tent with his failures still rampant on his mind. To cease the looping torturous thoughts, he angrily laid down in his cot and forced himself to go to sleep for a good portion of the day.
Later that night, Harrison walked into the tent to find James sitting on the edge of his cot, sharpening the blade on his weapon. James stopped sharpening it when a flask was suddenly thrust into his view. He looked up to find Harrison sheepishly standing there holding it out toward him. “Peace offerin’,” he said to James, trying to hand him a flask full of his favorite whiskey.
“For what?” James replied, sounding annoyed by his presence.
“For insinuatin’ that your grief is s’pposed to have expired by now,” Harrison sighed. “I feel like the biggest jackass on the planet for bein’ so callous.”
“You should.”
“I know. That’s why, man to man, I wanted to say that I’m sorry. I should’ve neva’ disrespected Lily that way … nor your marriage for that matta’. I’m sincerely sorry for that. I guess I just wanted to see you back to your old self. But my words didn’t reflect that, only insensitivity … and definitely ignorance. For that I beg your forgiveness.”
James gently snatched the flask from Harrison’s hand as a sign that he accepted. He took a swig from it, exhaled to let the burn out, then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Thanks, and I’m sorry too. I know I ova’reacted. I shouldn’t expect that everybody unda’stands how special Lily is to me.”
Harrison nervously chuckled. “Ya’ damn sure made that blatantly clear to me today … and to damn near everybody else in this camp.”
James took another swig from the flask, then offered it to Harrison. He accepted, sat down next to James, and took a sip.
James laid his weapon down, rested his elbows on his knees, and stared blankly at the ground as he thought of Lily. “My pain is so great because the love was so great. Lily loved me in a way that I’ve neva’ experienced before … in a way I fear I neva’ will again. She’s such an extraordinary human’ bein’. I’ve neva’ met anotha’ woman even remotely like her. I don’t think I eva’ will again in this lifetime. And quite frankly…” He turned to look Harrison in the eyes. “I don’t even have an intere
st in tryin’, because I’m convinced that no otha’ woman could eva’ live up to her.”
James took the flask back from Harrison and took another sip. “I know how Amelia feels. I know what she wants from me. And hell, I don’t blame ya’ for thinkin’ I belong in an asylum for not wantin’ ’er that way too,” he joked. “And maybe you’re right. Logically, I probably should be able to let go of the past, move on, and give Amelia a chance. But it’s like every part ‘a me is numb. Too numb to tell my body and my mind how to feel, what to think, what to do … too numb to move on. I dunno how to explain it.” He shook his head. “It’s like my emotions are unda’ lock and key and there’s only one thing that’ll unlock it all.”
“Findin’ Lily,” Harrison answered.
James nodded. “Exactly.” He sighed as he stared at the flask in his hands. “Hundreds ‘a rescue missions we’ve done. Thousands ‘a slaves we’ve freed. And I’m proud ‘a that, but…”
“But what?”
“But it pains me to say that not a single one ‘a the slaves we’ve freed has been Lily,” James answered. “It’s made every successful rescue feel so bitta’ sweet. My heart is always in my goddamn throat every time we step onto a plantation. I can’t stop my mind from racin’ in those moments. Is this the place? Is this the day? Will I hold my Lily again? Prayin’, beggin’ God every step ‘a the way. My chest swells with hope before we open every slave quarta’ door, only to feel the hope deflatin’ with every person we usha’ outta there. Afta’ everyone is gone, and Lily’s nowhere to be found, the sweet moment of success always manages to turn into bitta’ness. Wheneva’ we walk away without ’er, I feel just as empty as every slave quarta’ we clear out.” James sighed and took another gulp of whiskey. He took the burn without a reaction this time, as he lowered his head in misery again.
“When the bitta’ness sets in on those nights, it always makes me wish I’d neva’ taken Lily off my fatha’s farm to meet William,” James continued. “My fatha’ rarely bothered Lily before then. Hell, he hardly even looked at ’er. She may have been livin’ in a shithole, but at least I knew where she was, and that she was relatively safe,” he sighed. “At least I knew for a fact that she was alive. But now I don’t know any of those things. I’m stuck with nothin’ but torturous thoughts of the hellish places she might be, or the ways in which she might be sufferin’. They’re the kind ‘a gruesome thoughts that would make even a sane man wanna fling himself off a cliff to escape. And the fact that I hold some responsibility for what Lily may be goin’ through is unbearable some days, Harrison.” He paused and glanced at his weapon. “It’s all I can do to not set that musket between my legs and blow my own damn head off.”
“Responsible? How so?” Harrison asked.
“Because all this turmoil started when I went and upset the applecart. I tried to lead Lily to a betta’ life. But I only led my fatha’ and brotha’ to unleash their demons on ’er instead. Makes me regret eva’ taken Lily to meet William. If I’d’ve just left well-enough alone, she’d’ve been among the slaves that we set free on my fatha’s plantation the otha’ night. She would’ve finally had ’er freedom,” James sighed. “Freedom … and givin’ Lily the life she deserves. That’s all I eva’ wanted for her since I’s a kid.” He shook his head. “Can’t eva’ seem to succeed in that. All I’ve managed to do was destroy the life of a beautiful soul. Some days that fact is too much to live with.”
“Destroyed her life?” Harrison replied, looking thoroughly perplexed. “Hindsight is twenty-twenty, as they say. You did what you thought was right at the time. And what you did for Lily was the most selfless thing I’ve eva’ seen a man do for a woman. And I gotta be honest. Neva’ in a million years would I have grown a big enough pair ‘a testicles to do what you did for her. Considerin’ Lily’s status, your efforts were beyond magnanimous. With tears wellin’ in my eyes, I rememba’ watchin’ the grand finale of the Dream Symphony. I recall glancin’ at you when it was ova’, feelin’ proud to know that my good friend was the one God had chosen to help carry out such an extraordinary miracle. Seein’ all that you were willin’ to sacrifice for Lily impacted me in ways that I have no words to explain. But I can say that I certainly wasn’t watchin’ a man destroy a woman’s soul. I was witnessin’ the most altruistic display of love I’ve eva’ seen in my whole damn life … And I’m confident that Lily would say the same.”
Harrison’s candid words compelled James to finally raise his head and look his good friend in the eyes again.
“James, I don’t know why God is testin’ you and Lily like this, but I’m convinced it’s for a grand cause. And I’m just as convinced that God’ll reward you both with anotha’ miracle when He feels the grand cause is complete.”
James breathed a heavy sigh. “Your words mean a lot, and I pray you’re right, but I’m reluctant to get my hopes up. I’ve learned, in the most tragic ways, that you neva’ truly know what God has in store. That’s the scary part. With Rose everything is so final. For His own good reasons, God decided to bring ’er back home. I’ll probably neva’ stop grievin’ ova’ her death, but I have to learn to accept His decision, and find the strength to move on, with my pain in tow. But with Lily, it’s still so open-ended. Everything is still an unanswered question. Maybe God’s decided we should neva’ be togetha’ again … that’s very likely. But it’s the not knowin’ that’s eatin’ me alive. If Lily’s moved on and has decided she neva’ again wants me as a part ‘a her life, I’ll have to respect that, and somehow learn to accept it. But one way or anotha’ … I just need to know. At the very least, I wanna know that she’s okay. Just that alone would give me some semblance of peace.”
“I know it’s probably impossible not to let your faith start slippin’ away unda’ these circumstances but try to hold on to it. Because I find it impossible to believe that God brought two kindred spirits like you togetha’ as children just to tear you apart foreva’.”
“I hope you’re right. Because, at this point, it’s eitha’ Lily or no one. Faithfulness and loyalty … ‘till death do us part. If I didn’t mean every word, I neva’ would’ve spoken ’em. Someone would have to show me Lily’s cold dead body before I eva’ break those vows, and even contemplate layin’ with anotha’ woman.” James took another sip from his near empty flask. “Besides, it seems incredibly unfair to be with anotha’ woman while, in the back ‘a my mind, I’m thinkin’ that she’ll neva’ live up to Lily. Seems selfish and wrong to me. I know I may sound like a nutcase to most otha’ men, but that’s just the way I feel.”
Harrison took the flask and drank the last of the whiskey. “Ya’ know, I didn’t think I could eva’ admit that I admire anotha’ man…” He looked James in the eyes. “You just proved me wrong. You’re one hell of a noble man, James Adams. Crazy as hell!” he joked. “But definitely noble.”
“Well, I can’t deny the crazy part,” James laughed.
“Nor should you the noble,” Harrison replied, patting him hard on the back.
Harrison was not the only one feeling like the biggest jackass on the planet. Elijah was standing outside the tent eavesdropping. He had overheard every word of James and Harrison’s conversation. Prior to merging with the Iron Army Brigade, Elijah was convinced that James’s claims of love for Lily were merely lust, that he was a typical possessive master, obsessed with the flesh of his property. But over the months trapped there together, Elijah was forced to see and hear the real James. His actions and authenticity regarding Lily had slowly begun to shift Elijah’s beliefs. Even his hatred for the man could no longer blind him to the truth. Now, to his own surprise, Elijah suddenly heard his inner voice agree with Harrison’s stance on James’s nobility. Along with that voice came a sick feeling in his stomach. In the midst of war, Elijah had slain many a man. He was no more affected by ending a man’s life than if he had crushed a cockroach. But suddenly, the sick feeling in his stomach had him on the verge of vomiting, when he thought about the death of three men in pa
rticular: Samuel, Tucker McCormick, and that of a kind-hearted old man, who became an innocent victim of Elijah’s vengeful rampage …
On the night that James was attempting to escape his father’s farm with Lily, a panicked Dr. Gideon Whitfield finally arrived at the X on the map that James had provided. With Lily still unconscious in the back of the wagon, Gideon nervously looked around for a man named Samuel, the way he was instructed to do. A campfire was burning, but nothing else was there except for a few empty cans of beans, and a team of horses hooked together. After being caught up in gunfire with James, Gideon was now jumpy and leery of everything. He grabbed his pistol and quickly turned his head to the left when he suddenly heard leaves rustling. “A-are you Samuel?” Gideon stammered when Elijah came into view with his gun drawn.
Elijah hesitated a moment, staring at Gideon oddly. “Yes, I’m Samuel,” he lied. “Who the hell’re you?”
“No need for the pistol then. I’ve got Lily with me in the back,” Gideon replied, lowering his gun and relaxing a bit.
When Gideon put his pistol back in its holster, Elijah did the same. “Where’s James?” Elijah asked, looking around.
“He ran into some trouble while we were on the way here. He said he’d catch up with us as soon as he could. He wants you to just take Lily for now.”
“Trouble? What kind ‘a trouble? And where’s Lily any damn way? Lily?!” Elijah called out.
“She’s injured,” Gideon explained.
“The hell you mean, she’s injured?”
“I’m sure James can explain all this to ya’ betta’, but there was some kind ‘a debacle on his farm with his fatha’ before they could leave.”
Elijah looked at Gideon with leery eyes. He then snatched a lantern and began making his way to the wagon to see if Gideon was telling the truth. As he began to climb up the back of the wagon, a sliver of early morning sun peeked over the ridge of a hill. As dawn’s early light illuminated the campsite, an unsettling sight caught Gideon’s attention. He saw what looked to be a pool of blood on the nearby terrain that he had not noticed in the darkness. As the sun brightened the area more, Gideon’s eyes then followed drag marks that led from the pool of blood to an area covered in loose brush and leaves. The moment he saw that mound, Gideon’s heart rate accelerated. There was no doubt in his mind that a body lie beneath that makeshift grave. His gut instinct made Gideon suddenly snap the reins, prompting the horses into an immediate gallop. As the horses surged forward, Elijah lost his balance and fell backward off the wagon. He landed awkwardly on his right arm, popping his shoulder out of its socket. As he rode away, Gideon shot the team of waiting horses, leaving Elijah with no way to give chase. Despite the excruciating pain of his injury, Elijah managed to wrestle his pistol from its holster. While lying on the ground, he then began shooting wildly at Gideon, until he emptied the chamber of his revolver. Elijah saw Gideon lurch forward after the last bullet was fired.