by Londyn Skye
“She’s much olda’ now. You may not have recognized ’er,” Bo pointed out.
“No. The people there were much olda’ than Lily would be now. Besides, I’d know Lily if I saw her, even all these years lata’. I’m certain of that. And trust me when I tell you, there wasn’t a single person on that farm that even remotely resembled her.”
“Did you check the slave registries? Maybe her masta’ sold ’er,” Colt suggested.
Levi nodded. “I did that too. I went to Fayetteville city hall and spent hours goin’ line by line through their slave registry. I even checked the registries in every neighborin’ city. The records show that Jesse was the last known man to own ’er. For weeks, I searched every plantation in Fayette county just to be sure. I even asked dozens of people if they knew of Lily. But most folks probably just view her as anotha’ meaningless slave that ain’t worth rememberin’ any damn way,” Levi sighed. “No matta’ what I did, I just couldn’t get any answa’s on where or how to find ’er.”
“Well, I hate to say it, pa. But m-maybe her masta’ was tellin’ the truth,” Dallas hesitantly stated.
“No! I don’t believe that!” Levi emphatically replied. “I don’t know why she wasn’t there, but I absolutely refuse to believe she’s dead! I saw the instant change in her masta’s demeanor when I told ’em that … when I told ’em …”
“Told ’em what?” Wyatt prompted.
“That I’m Lily’s fatha’,” Levi finally confessed.
His words seemed to suck every drop of oxygen out of the room, leaving his sons unable to even gasp.
Levi slowly looked around at all the stunned faces of his beloved boys, as they stared at him with their mouths agape. “That’s the truth. I’m Lily’s fatha’,” he admitted again. “That’s part ‘a the reason I asked you all here today. You’re all men now, and I felt it was time for you all to know the truth … and to hear it directly from me.”
Agape mouths and unblinking eyes were still the only response to Levi’s startling confession.
Levi exhaled great relief after finally letting go of his secret. Slowly, he looked at each of his sons again. “There comes a time in a man’s life when he has to be true to himself, not matta what his religious convictions, no matta’ what the world thinks, or even what the consequences may be. A man might go insane otha’wise.”
Levi lowered his head, a distant look suddenly in his eyes. “There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Lily. There’s not a single minute that’s passed, in fourteen years, that I don’t ache … unrelentin’ pain,” he said, the pain now evident in his tone. “But what hurts me most is knowin’ that I subjected my own daughta’ to far greata’ pain than I could eva’ imagine. Lily’s suffered enough, and now I wanna spend the rest ‘a my life tryna soothe her sufferin’, in any possible way I can. That’s why I’ve been so desperate to find ’er.”
Levi exhaled again and nervously glanced at all the unblinking eyes still pasted on him. “My last day in Fayetteville, I snuck onto Jesse’s plantation while he was gone. I wanted to ask his slaves if they remembered Lily, and if maybe they knew where she was. But they were too terrified to let me anywhere near ’em. I think that’s because things didn’t go well between me and Jesse durin’ my first visit there,” Levi sighed and shook his head. “I’m embarrassed about my actions, but he and I got into a scuffle. All the slaves were workin’ way out in the field when it happened. But they all stopped and stared when they saw Jesse march me off his property at gunpoint. They must’ve remembered my face, ‘cause when I tried to approach ’em to ask about Lily, they wouldn’t even let me get a word out. Some kept beggin’ me to leave before I got ’em whipped. Hell, some ran off before I got anywhere near ’em. It’s like they didn’t wanna take any risk of makin’ it even seem like they were tellin’ their masta’s business, for fear of what that tyrant might do to ’em. I don’t know if that’s their reaction to every strange white man, or if it was just because ‘a the fight I had with their masta’.
“Which leads me to the otha’ reason I’ve come to you all today. I’s hopin’ maybe one ‘a you would be willin’ to try to get some answa’s from Jesse’s slaves for me. Maybe they’ll talk to one ‘a you. Even if they know nothin’, I just need help with this,” Levi confessed, his voice now starting to tremble. “Because, as it stands, I’m stuck with no clues as to where Lily is … not one. And I don’t give a damn what that tyrant told me. My little girl ain’t dead! I can feel it in my soul. I know my Lily’s out there somewhere. And I’m determined to find ’er. But I’m ova’whelmed, and I don’t know where to start. I know I’m riskin’ so much by comin’ to you all, but I’m truly hopin’ you’ll all help me look for my daughta’ … help me find your sista’. It’s eatin’ a hole in my soul not knowin’ where she is. I’ve raised you boys into adulthood, now the only otha’ thing I wanna do with my life is reunite my little girl with ’er motha’. At the very least, I want Lily to know how s-sorry I am for wh-what I d-did to h-her, a-and that I l-love her,” Levi confessed, as he suddenly began to weep.
Wyatt and his brothers had never seen their father cry until that moment. They were stunned by how hard he suddenly began sobbing. Despite that as proof of how emotionally traumatizing the entire situation was for him, Wyatt’s reaction proved a lack of even an ounce of sympathy. He suddenly sprang to his feet. “Does our motha’ know about your abominable sins?!” he asked, pure fury in his tone.
Levi wiped his face as he nodded. “She does. It’s the reason I sold Lily. Certain threats were made by your motha’, and I didn’t want you boys to be hurt in any way because of my indiscretions. I did what I thought was best to protect you all. But you’re men now. Your motha’ has no real powa’ to hurt any of you anymore.”
“Jesus Christ! So, you’ve both been deceivin’ us all this time?!” Wyatt screamed.
“No wonda’ why it always seemed as though our motha’ hated you!” Colt added, glaring at his father with disdain.
“Trust me, your motha’ hated me long before Maya eva’ came to that plantation,” Levi replied.
“Did you eva’ love our motha’, or has that all been a facade too?” Dallas asked.
“I love that your motha’ brought all ‘a you into my life. For the sake of all of you, I wanted to love her for more reasons than that … but it just neva’ happened. Your motha’s neva’ loved me eitha’. She’s been sure to let me know that loud and clear ova’ the years. You just can’t force yourself to lie about love. Your eyes, your words, your body language, your actions will all eventually unveil the truth. Your heart just don’t know how to lie. Your motha’ and I are the proof ‘a that. Your heart’s gonna love who it wants to love, no matta’ how wrong it may be … Maya’s proof ‘a that.”
“You love her?!” Wyatt spat, looking disgusted.
“With every ounce ‘a my soul,” Levi confessed, pure passion in his tone. “I’m not ashamed ‘a how I feel eitha’. If that’s a sin, I’ve certainly paid for it and then some. I’ve done my time. And now, I don’t wanna live the rest ‘a my life imprisoned with a woman who doesn’t love me. I deserve betta’ than that … I demand betta’ than that,” he said, recalling what Maya had said to him years ago. “Your motha’ deserves betta’ too … and so does Maya.”
“You can’t possibly be sayin’ that you’re gonna leave our motha’ to be with a slave!”
Levi looked Wyatt in his eyes. “The Lord is forgivin’.”
Wyatt took an angry step toward his father. “I have to believe you’ve gone half-ass outta your mind to wanna drag us into your twisted love affair with a nigga’ and weigh us down with the guilt of your lost or dead bastard child!”
“And then beg us to do your dirty work, so you feel betta’ about the fact that you threw away your little mistake!” Colt added.
“LILY’S NOT A MISTAKE!” Levi retaliated, raising his voice to his sons for the first time ever. “For whateva’ God’s reason, she was meant to be he
re! The only mistake I eva’ made where she’s concerned was takin’ ’er away from her motha’! But by no damn means is she a mistake! She’s my daughta’! And whetha’ you like it or not, she’s your sista’! And you all have to accept that!”
“We don’t have to accept a damn thing! If you consida’ that nigga’ as your daughta’, then you can forget about considerin’ me as a son!” Wyatt spat.
Levi was stunned into momentary silence. “Wyatt, you’ll always be my son,” he whispered. He glanced at all his boys. “All of you will always be my beloved sons … sons that I gave up one ‘a the most precious things in my whole world to protect because I love you all so much, and I wanted you to have a decent life. But I love Lily too, and I’m desperate to find ’er, and give ’er back the life she deserves. I’ve gotta get ’er back to ’er motha’. It’s the only way I can remotely atone for destroyin’ their lives. So, despite the sins you feel I’ve committed, I’m beggin’ you boys to help me find your sista’ … please?” he pleaded.
“SHE AIN’T OUR DAMN SISTA’!” Wyatt erupted. He grimaced and took another step toward his father. “Honestly, I hope Lily’s masta’ did kill her! I’d ratha’ her be dead than admit I have a nigga’ for a sista’ … and an adulterer for a fatha’! For the abominable sins you committed, you deserve to live with the agony of bein’ the root cause of your bastard’s death!”
Wyatt’s disgusting words were as painful for Levi as being ran over by a freight train. With tears of desperation streaming from his eyes, he slowly turned in a circle to look at all the stone-cold faces glaring harshly at him. He could not believe the men surrounding him, like vicious lions, were the same sons he had raised with pure love for three decades. “Wyatt, please …”
“ENOUGH!” Wyatt interrupted. “I don’t agree that a real man needs to divulge his damn dark secrets, no matta’ how much it might eat away at his sanity! Some things a man is betta’ off takin’ to his grave … and this is definitely one ‘a those damn things! So, you can send us notice when you find Lily’s rotten corpse! We’ll be glad to help you dig her grave. But there ain’t a chance in hell we’ll help you look for your bastard!”
The crackling fireplace was the only sound in the room for a moment. Levi just stared at his oldest son in disbelief. He felt as though he was undoubtedly seeing and hearing the influence that Emily had on him. “Wyatt, this ain’t the sort ‘a man I raised you to be,” he finally said, his voice trembling with emotion.
“And you’re clearly not the man you’ve been paradin’ yourself to be all these years eitha’. So, I guess we’re even,” he replied smugly.
“Wyatt, I…”
“You’re no longa’ welcome here!”
“Wyatt, this ain’t you. You’re just upset.”
“You’re damn right I am!”
“Well, just give this some time.”
“I don’t need time! I need you to get outta my damn house!”
Levi stared at his eldest son, trying hard not to let his callous words affect him. But in his vulnerable state, every word penetrated his heart like an enemy’s blade. With tears still streaming down his cheeks, he spoke with the tone of a man whose severed heart was slowly ceasing to beat. “I’ve confessed my sins to God … and now to all of you. All I can do now is tell you how truly sorry I am. I neva’ meant to hurt any of you. But for the pain I’ve caused and the mistakes I’ve made, I beg your forgiveness. I pray that you’ll find it in your hearts one day to forgive me. Until then, just know that I love you boys more than I have the words to express.” Levi lowered his head and solemnly walked out of Wyatt’s house without another word.
Levi’s plantation was not far from where Wyatt lived, but it took him over an hour to get home. He had walked slowly alongside his steed, needing the exercise to help clear his mind, as well as the non-stop flow of tears spilling from his eyes. Since the day he had sold Lily, he had not been this overcome with grief. As he walked home, he had to stop occasionally and sit up against trees, until he regained the strength to continue on. It was as if all the stewing pain of his adult life had now erupted with volcanic force, triggered by the seismic quake of his son’s heart-shattering words. The aftershock of tears now refused to stop coming in intense waves. Levi was so weakened with devastation that every step he took felt like an ascent up Mount Everest. But when he approached his house and thought of the demon who resided within, he suddenly felt as though he had just tumbled into hell.
Levi lingered outside the back-kitchen door, staring in the window at the demon he silently proclaimed Emily to be. She had her back to him preparing dinner. Per usual, she did not even bother to turn around when she heard Levi enter. No kiss. No hug. No welcome home. She exuded no warmth whatsoever. Sadly, though, Levi was used to it. He stood behind her thinking about the fact that one night of drunken indiscretion as a teenager had sentenced him to thirty-two years of hard time married to a cold, heartless woman. But, in all those years, Levi was thankful to Emily for one thing … or rather six.
“I’m sorry for breakin’ my vows to you,” Levi suddenly said to her.
Emily was so oblivious to his presence that she was startled when she suddenly heard him speak. Still though, she did not break stride in chopping vegetables.
Levi stepped behind his wife, gently turned her around, slowly took the knife out of her hand and laid it down. “No matta’ how we felt about one anotha’, I was wrong for my infidelity. I know I sinned, and for that I’m truly sorry.”
Emily scoffed. “You should be,” she replied flatly.
Levi ignored her coldness and continued with what was on his mind. “Havin’ a baby is clearly no easy task. You had six of ’em for me, and I love each and every one of ’em. They’re my pride and joy.” He took Emily by the hand. “And they’re the six things that I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart for givin’ me.”
Emily was so stunned by the sincerity in his voice that she did not even reply rudely this time. His words had even managed to soften the scowl lines on her face. She felt a surge of warmth run through her, causing her to squeeze his hand tighter in return.
“I still rememba’ each and every one ‘a my children’s births like it was yesterday. Wyatt, my firstborn,” Levi smiled. “Felt as full ‘a pride as any man would feel to hold his first son. Then there was Colt. That boy was so eaga’ to come into the world that I had to help deliva’ him myself. Dylan, on the otha’ hand, was two weeks ova’due. He neva’ seemed to be in a hurry for anything, not even crawlin’ or walkin’. Bo, hardly cried a lick. Came out lookin’ around the new world like a curious kitten. Lucas, had more hair on his big head than I did,” Levi laughed lightly. “Dallas was the tiniest baby I’ve eva’ seen, and only eva’ seemed content in a set of arms.” Levi’s mind drifted away for a moment. “And then there was my sweet little Lily.”
Emily suddenly snatched her hand away from Levi’s grip. He could smell the bitter stench of liquor on her breath when she scoffed upon hearing that name. The soft expression that Levi had managed to put on her face instantly transformed back into a tight-lipped grimace.
“June first, 1835 at 8:45 a.m., I rememba’ hearin’ Lily cry for the very first time. I couldn’t get my feet to move fast enough to finally go and lay my eyes on ’er. Felt like lightnin’ bolts shootin’ through me the first time I got to hold ’er. The very moment I held ’er close to me, I rememba’ feelin’ such an indescribable amount ‘a love for her, and an instant connection. There was an extreme tightness in my chest as my heart melted and filled with pride. I could hardly make out her little features through all the tears blurrin’ my eyes. When I finally managed to stop cryin’, I saw my own eyes starin’ back at me. I still rememba’ the feelin’ of her tiny hand wrapped tightly around my finga’, like she was beggin’ me to neva’ let ’er go. She didn’t have to worry, though. I can assure you I neva’ wanted to. Wish I could’ve held ’er like that foreva’.” Levi briefly paused, still lost in the memory. “My words just c
an’t do justice for what it felt like to hold a child I created with a woman I actually loved. Seein’ the beautiful little baby Maya gave me made me fall even more in love with ’er. But you…” He suddenly looked at Emily with disgust. “I only eva’ felt obligated to love you because of our children. I rememba’ holdin’ my boys for the first time and feelin’ love for them too. But instead ‘a feelin’ more love for you, I felt sick to my stomach, knowin’ I had yet anotha’ reason to tolerate the torture of bein’ married to you.”
“Why the hell’re you sayin’ these things?!” Emily suddenly spat.
“If it wasn’t for the fact that you were the vessel that brought my boys into this world, you wouldn’t be worth a goddamn thing to me,” Levi confessed.
“Answa’ me damn it!” Emily shouted.
“I swore to myself that no matta’ how sick I was of bein’ with you that I’d see all my boys through to manhood,” Levi continued, still ignoring Emily’s fury. “I’m proud to say that I stood by my word. Dallas is grown now. He’s the last of the six gifts you gave me. Now, there’s not a single solitary reason for me to pretend like I wanna stay married to you.”
“Why’re you tellin’ me this?!” Emily blurted again.
Levi reached above the cabinets where he had a thick manila envelope hidden. He grabbed it and tossed it on the kitchen table. “Consida’ yourself served.”
Emily picked up the envelope, snatched the papers out, and managed to get her intoxicated mind to focus enough to gloss over the contents. She looked up at Levi with ice in her eyes when she realized what she was reading. “The holier than thou, God-fearin’ Levi Collins has ridden in here on his high horse with the audacity to ask me for a divorce. What eva’ will the Lord decide to do with you on judgement day?”
“I’d ratha’ burn in hell for all eternity than spend anotha’ second married to you.”
“I’ll ruin you! I’ll tell your boys everything if you file these papers!”