“Will you come?” he asked.
I took a deep breath. The sun was warmer now, the breeze softer, the sky a deeper blue. Darkness and fury awaited me later in the day. For a while, at least, I could have something pleasant and wonderful. Perhaps, I rationalized, it would help me to be stronger for what was to come.
“Yes,” I said. “I’m on my way.”
“Prayers answered,” he said. “I’ll wait out front.”
I hurried around to my car and, with only a moment’s hesitation, started the engine and drove off defiantly. If my family had so many secrets, why couldn’t I have one? I was confident that I could keep it well. I had fooled Ava, hadn’t I? Anyway, besides being something delicious and wonderful, this was exciting. Yes, my heart beat faster, but not out of fear so much as out of anticipation of that which would help me feel more complete as a woman. As I drove, I told myself I wasn’t simply the blood slave Ava was. I didn’t have her same hatred for and anger toward young men. Love won’t be poison for me. It won’t, it won’t.
And then I stopped myself. Whom was I trying to convince? Was I going mad?
My stomach woke up a hive of bees inside. I slowed down.
Turn around, a voice within was telling me. It’s all too great a risk. Yes, you fooled Ava, perhaps, but you know Daddy will see right through you. He’ll look into your eyes and know immediately. The disappointment he will feel will be too great. You’ll lose him; you’ll lose him forever.
By the time I turned down the street toward Buddy’s uncle’s house, tears were streaming down my cheeks. I stopped before I thought he could see my car and pulled to the side. My body was shaking with fear. I was about to turn around when I saw him walking down the center of the street. He had been waiting closer to the turn. He was that anxious and excited.
It’s too late, I told myself.
I wiped away my tears as quickly as I could, took another deep breath, and drove slowly toward him. He was waving and smiling and looked like a little boy. He jumped up and down to exaggerate his happiness, and I laughed.
This is good, I thought. This has to be right.
I stopped beside him.
“Why did you pull over down there? You were having second thoughts, weren’t you?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Don’t have third,” he said, and nodded at the driveway.
I parked, and he hurried over to open my car door. When I stepped out, he didn’t speak. He looked at me, and I looked at him, and then he kissed me. It was a soft kiss, but I could feel the desire in him and the love. His eyes were glossy with tears of happiness. Neither of us said a word. We didn’t have to. We were speaking with our eyes, our lips, and our hearts. He took my hand and led me into the house.
He closed the door and still held my hand. Still, neither of us spoke. He led me down the hallway to a bedroom. I paused in the doorway. If I entered, I was crossing another forbidden line, and I knew that once I crossed it, it would be too late to turn back. My life would never be the same.
He looked at me with nothing but love and affection in his eyes, and I continued into the room. At the side of the bed, we kissed again. His lips moved down my chin and to my neck. I pulled my head back, and he unbuttoned my blouse and brought his lips to my breasts. Then he lifted me gently to the bed. For a moment, he stood looking down at me.
“I want to memorize every part of you,” he said. “That way, you will never leave me.”
“Everyone leaves everyone sometime,” I told him in a whisper.
“Not us. We’ll synchronize our heartbeats, and when yours runs out, mine will, too. It will be the same for you.”
I smiled. He sounded like a hopeless romantic, a dreamer, a poet who had more faith in words than in anything else. Daddy once told me that dreamers and poets suffered more, however: “They create a world that cannot last, cannot be, and the disappointment for them is that much greater.”
Maybe that was true, but right now, it seemed to me that the journey that would take us to that pain and disappointment was worth it. Wasn’t all of life a journey that led to death? But we didn’t stop trying to enjoy ourselves, to find something worth our effort. Daddy wasn’t always right, I thought, and then had the shocking realization that my feelings for Buddy were causing me to challenge and question things Daddy had taught me my whole life. Before this, I had accepted everything as if it had rained down from some divine cloud.
Buddy pulled off his shirt and then gently undressed me. I thought he was out to kiss every part of me, every inch of my body, so he could do what he hoped… memorize me. When he was naked beside me, I could feel my blood carrying the heat from my heart through all of my veins. His lips grazed mine. His eyes were closed, and he looked as if he was trying to inhale the very scent of my being.
“We have to be careful,” I said, knowing that soon I would lose all restraint.
“I will be,” he promised, and showed me that he was prepared.
What neither of us was prepared for was the way my body tightened as I accepted him. I saw the confusion in his eyes as the softness left my shoulders, my breasts, and my stomach.
“You’re harder than I am,” he muttered.
I had no explanation. In fact, I wasn’t sure this wasn’t what happened with every woman as she began to make love. It didn’t matter to him. He wanted me as much as, if not more than, he had when he began.
And when we began, my mouth was filled with that taste of blood again. This time, it flowed back, down my throat and into my stomach. It wasn’t unpleasant. It was sweet, and the stronger it became, the more demanding I was. He moaned in pleasure and then laughed at my enthusiasm, crying out playfully to complain that I was killing him. When I reached a climax, it felt as if my bones had thickened. I thought I was bigger, heavier, and I looked at him to see if he thought so, too, but he was in the throes of his own climax and reciting words of love, pledges and promises.
When it ended, he rolled onto his back, panting. He glanced at me, finally, with some surprise. “You’re not even breathing hard,” he said. “Although your skin is red everywhere.”
“Is it?”
I sat up to look at myself. It was as though all my blood had come to the surface. I touched my legs to feel the heat. After a few more minutes, the heat slowly receded, and my normal color began to return.
“Is all of this something unusual?” he asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t know, Buddy. I’ve never done this before.”
He looked skeptical. “You’re not having a virgin’s reaction, if you know what I mean. It’s all right,” he quickly added. “I didn’t expect you would, and I’m fine with that.”
How was I to explain any of this to him, if I couldn’t explain it to myself? He saw how I was struggling to find some explanation.
“Hey, don’t sweat it. I hate people who make love and then sit around analyzing it all day. It is what it is, and for us, no matter what, it’s wonderful. Short and simple.” He waited for my agreement, and when it didn’t come fast enough, he asked, “Right?”
“Yes, Buddy. It was wonderful, and I’m happy I came here to be with you.” I reached for my clothes and began to get dressed.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
“Yes, Buddy.”
“I didn’t mean to move so fast, but—”
I looked at him and put my finger on his lips. “You mustn’t apologize for passion,” I said.
He smiled. “It was like it was all meant to be, even this secret rendezvous. Hey, we’re like Romeo and Juliet. What’s in a name and all that stuff.”
I turned away. If he only knew how true that was. We didn’t come from warring families, but we came from two worlds so different that we might as well. I could sense how my silence was making him nervous.
“You know I mean for this to be more, Lorelei. I wasn’t looking for a one-night stand.”
“I know.”
“You’re not saying anything,” he said. “Y
ou’re not angry, are you?”
“Oh, no, Buddy.”
“Then what is it? Your father? Your sister? I mean—”
“Let’s not talk about it anymore, Buddy. You were right. Just enjoy and live in the moment without doing an autopsy.”
I saw the confusion in his face. “Autopsy? Nothing died here, I hope.”
“No,” I said. I smiled as warmly as I could. “Something was born here.”
That pleased him. “Great.”
“But let’s leave it be for now,” I said.
“That’s fine, as long as I can see you and be with you.”
What was I to tell him, to promise him? “We must not say things that will disappoint us in the end,” I said.
“Why must there be an end?”
“There always is.”
He shook his head. “I swear, I don’t know what makes you so cynical, Lorelei. You’re too young to be this cynical. Unless you’ve been hurt badly in a love affair. Have you?”
“I know you don’t believe me, but this is my first love affair,” I said.
“Mine, too. I mean it. Don’t smile. I’ve been with other girls, yes, but I’ve never felt as strongly about any as I do for you.”
I stopped smiling.
“Doesn’t that make you happy?”
“Yes, but it frightens me, too.”
“Frightens you? Why?”
“I told you. I don’t want you or me to be deeply hurt by disappointment.”
“Never happen,” he said.
I stood up.
“I swear, you look taller,” he said.
“Do I?”
I went to the mirror over the dresser and looked at myself. He’s right, I thought. I do look as if I’ve grown taller. Was it just our imagination?
“Maybe you’re just happy, fulfilled,” he said. “You know, like a beautiful flower now able to blossom? Don’t look at me like that. I’ve never said these things to any other girl. I swear.” He raised his right hand.
“Okay,” I said, laughing. “I’m convinced.” I looked at my watch. “I have to go.”
“To face the music for yesterday, huh?”
“Yes. I might not be able to see you again for a while, Buddy, and it might even be hard for me to call you.”
“You can call me anytime, whenever you’re able to call. I don’t care how late or early it is.”
“I’ll try,” I said.
“You look really worried,” he told me as we started out together. “Are you sure I can’t meet your father? I’m a charmer,” he kidded.
“Not a good time,” I said.
I paused when we stepped out of his uncle’s house. The street was as quiet as these cul-de-sacs could be. Nothing was moving, yet I had the sense that we weren’t alone. For a moment, I felt the way Daddy often did when that sixth sense of his was triggered by something. I stared ahead.
“Something wrong?” Buddy asked.
“No.” I moved quickly to my car. When I reached for the door, he reached for my hand to stop me and turn me around so he could kiss me again.
“The way you’re talking, this kiss has to last a while,” he said, and kissed me again.
“I will try to call you,” I promised, and got into the car. He stood with his hands on the open window.
“I’m afraid to let you go. I have this sinking, sick feeling that I’ll never see you again.”
“No matter what,” I said, “I’ll see you again.”
“You had better, or I’ll find you, no matter where you are or how big your father might be.”
I nodded. How ironic every word seemed to be. If he only knew how big my father could be, he wouldn’t even think those words. I flashed a smile and then started to back out of the driveway. He walked after me, as if he really feared that he would never see me again. The look on his face was breaking my heart, but I couldn’t stay any longer, and no matter how many promises I made, that look wouldn’t go away. He would always hear the hesitation and doubt in my voice.
I watched him in my rearview mirror as I drove out of his uncle’s street. I had come there with tears streaming down my cheeks, and I was leaving the same way. Really, how could I continue this love affair? Daddy was planning our move away. In a short time, Buddy would never be able to find me again. I truly would be like a dream he’d had. In time, I was confident I would fade. He’d find someone new, and whenever he did pause to try to remember me, he would smile and shake his head as he asked himself, What was that all about, anyway? He would rationalize away his disappointment by thinking of me as strange, weird, whatever would ease his pain.
But what about me? Wouldn’t I go on to become Daddy’s new Ava, and wouldn’t that harden me so that I would never find anyone like Buddy again? Maybe I would come to believe what Mrs. Fennel taught us, that love was a disaster for us. Years from now, I might even persuade myself to be grateful for the separation. After all, I had come too close to a catastrophe. I had taken a drink from the poisonous fountain and, luckily, had survived.
For now, however, I had to throw off sorrow and brace myself for the cold waves of anger that I would soon face at home. Ava was right. I could look and act sorry, but I couldn’t overdo my remorse, or I’d give it all away. I drove faster. There were still a few hours left before Daddy and Mrs. Fennel were to return. I decided I would take a soothing bath and do my best to relax.
When I pulled into our driveway, however, I was shocked to see Ava’s car. What was she doing home so early? Where would I tell her I had been? Would she believe me if I told her I had to get out for a while because I was driving myself crazy with nervousness? One thing was for sure, I couldn’t appear frightened about her being there and catching me away.
“Ava?” I called as I entered.
“I’m in here,” she called back from the living room.
She was sitting in Daddy’s chair.
“Why are you home so early? I thought you said it was important for you not to miss those classes.”
“That’s what I told you,” she said. “Sit.” She nodded at the sofa across from her.
I sat.
“I can’t believe that for one moment, one tiny second, you believed you could put one over on me, Lorelei. I’m the expert when it comes to gold-quality lies. How could you forget that I have the instincts? You’re good, but you’re not in my class yet. For your sake, I hope you will be soon, but as I told you a while ago, and as Daddy believed, you appear to lack some of that necessary instinct. We don’t survive without it,” she concluded.
I started to speak, but she put up her hand.
“Let’s get quickly past your look of innocence, your amazed protestations, and your farcically asking me what I am talking about. Let’s get right to the truth, huh? Daddy and Mrs. Fennel will be here soon.”
I stared at her for a moment. The sharpness in her voice and the heat in her eyes were normally terrifying for me, but for some reason, I didn’t feel as vulnerable and weak as I usually did when she was in a rage. I wasn’t going to burst into tears and beg for her forgiveness. I wasn’t going to plead for her to help me. And I could see by the way her eyes twitched that she saw something stronger in me as well.
“What did you do, Ava, follow me?”
“Of course, I did. I waited, knowing you were going to go to him. You were in that house quite a while. Enjoy it?”
“Matter of fact, yes, I did, very much.”
“Well, I’m glad, because that will be the first and the last time you enjoy him,” she snapped, leaning forward.
“Don’t threaten me, Ava,” I threw back at her.
She surprised me with a wide smile and then a short laugh.
“Threaten you? I’m not threatening you, you fool. I’m threatening him.”
A thin sheet of ice slid down my back.
“I’m not going to guard the door or follow you around to be sure you don’t go to him.”
“Daddy won’t let—”
“Daddy. D
on’t you dare mention Daddy to me. What you have done during the day and a half he and Mrs. Fennel have been gone would probably knock him off his feet, and you know how hard it is to do that,” she said.
“And I’m sure you’re going to enjoy telling him everything,” I said, but it sounded more like me feeling sorry for myself than anything else.
“I would, yes, but if you cooperate, I won’t.”
“What do you mean, cooperate?”
“I know you’re pretty smart, Lorelei. Daddy’s probably right to think of you as one of his most intelligent daughters, so don’t pretend you don’t understand what I mean, what I want. It’s perfect timing, actually. Daddy is ready for a feeding. We talked about this possibility.”
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. In the end, it’s a simple decision to make, isn’t it? Daddy or him?”
I tried to swallow, but my throat felt as if it had turned to stone.
“Just think. We’ll be co-conspirators. It will be a surprise for Daddy, but he won’t care now. We’re moving away. He’ll forgive us for violating the rules.”
I think my heart actually stopped for a few moments. She was sitting there describing the nightmares I had about Buddy.
She laughed at the shock on my face. “Think of how funny this will be,” she said.
“Funny? How can you say that?”
“You can invite him to meet your father. Finally, you can do what I know you’ve always wanted to do, Lorelei, bring a boyfriend home to meet Daddy.”
17
Lies
“You keep our little secret,” Ava told me, rising, “and I’ll help you today with Daddy and Mrs. Fennel. I’ll tell them I was the one who called you at school to tell you I’d be late for dinner. I know Buddy was the one who called you, Lorelei. Don’t try to deny it. But I’ll take some of the blame off you this way.”
Once I would have told her that I never lied to Daddy, but that seemed stupid now. I said and did nothing to lead her to believe I agreed and walked away. She left to pick up Marla at school. Daddy and Mrs. Fennel arrived less than a half-hour later, earlier than Ava and I had expected. The moment Daddy saw me, he knew something was wrong. I should have been at school and not home yet. He glanced at Mrs. Fennel and then asked me what was going on.
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