He’s looked death square in the eye so many times, it’s like he’s learned some secret about the world that I’m not privy to.
“I didn’t come back here to talk about us, okay? I want you to know that. You need to think long and hard about this before you make any decisions.”
I nod. I know I do.
I need to sleep on it.
That’s what Troy always said. You have to give something at least twelve hours to stew. You don’t make rash decisions; you have to give it time.
It’s ironic really, that I’m taking my late husband’s advice about the possibility of shacking up with his best friend.
“I’ll go change the sheets on the spare bed, okay? I can’t sleep another night on that couch. You should get some rest, you look exhausted.”
I giggle and nod as he gives my hand one more kiss before getting to his feet and walking toward the door.
“Luke?” I call after him.
He stops and turns back to face me.
“Thank you – for Joe.”
He smiles, his eyes lighting up. “Literally anytime, Mia. I love that kid.”
He slips out the door and then he’s gone. Leaving me with nothing but my thoughts.
***
“Luke?” I whisper into the dark room. “Are you awake?”
“I’m awake,” he replies.
“Can I come in?”
“It’s your house.” He chuckles.
“You make a good point.” I smile to myself as I creep into the room.
I can’t see where I’m going at all.
He presses something on his phone and the soft glow shows me where I’m going.
“Can’t sleep?” he asks as I approach.
I slept like a baby for the past six hours, but I woke wide awake and couldn’t get back to sleep. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
“Something like that,” I murmur as I reach the side of the bed. “Scoot over.”
He chuckles again as he shuffles his big – half-naked – body over to make room for me.
“It’s freezing, I’m coming in.”
The light from his phone goes out as I pull the covers over myself and we’re left alone together in the dark.
I feel him roll onto his side, presumably so he’s facing me, so I do the same.
“Hey,” he whispers.
“Hey,” I reply.
I feel like a nervous teenager on her first date, lying here with him.
“You’re not still thinking about Everly and Robert, are you?” he asks.
I’ve thought a lot about the both of them, but they’re not what’s keeping me up.
“No… I was thinking about you.”
“You were?”
I don’t have to be able to see to know that he’s smiling, I can hear it in his voice.
“Mmm hmm,” I reply. “I was thinking about what would happen if I run scared… if I were to keep you in the friend zone.”
“And what would happen?”
“I was thinking that if I pushed you away you’d meet someone else eventually… and then I’d have to pretend I was happy for the two of you. I’d have to have you over for dinner and invite you both to Joe’s birthday parties.”
“You wouldn’t be happy for me?” he questions.
I shake my head, even though he can’t see me in the darkness. “I know I should say yes, but I wouldn’t be. I’d be jealous.”
“Why would you be jealous, Mia?” he pries softly.
He’s having to drag the truth out of me piece by piece.
“Because I don’t want you to be with someone else. I want you to be with me,” I whisper.
He sucks in a deep breath and it’s like he’s just taking it all in – absorbing everything about this moment.
“I didn’t even realise, Luke… how can you feel this way about someone and not even know it?”
“You were broken, sweetheart, your heart and your head have been through the wringer these past two years.”
“I didn’t even know I was looking for you,” I confess.
“That’s because you didn’t have to look. I was already right here. You didn’t have to look, I was waiting… for you.”
I can feel my heart pounding against my ribcage.
This feeling of excitement feels foreign to me. I feel human again in a world where I’ve become accustomed to being numb.
“I was just lying in my bed… thinking about soul mates…”
“Okay… and what did you come up with?”
“I think it’s bullshit.”
He chuckles quietly. “Why’s that?”
“People talk about the one perfect person for all of us… about our one true match being out there… but if that’s the case then how come I got two?”
“You know what I think? You can have as many soul mates as you leave yourself open to… just because something ends, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be forever.”
I always thought that Troy and I were meant to be together forever, but maybe the universe had a plan all along. Maybe we were only destined for a small part of forever.
“I catch myself sometimes, Luke – I realise I’m not thinking about him… for the longest time, I couldn’t think of anything else, but now it’s like I have to make a conscious effort to remember him… to remember all of the things that he did. I don’t know what’s happened…”
“I think that’s called moving on, Mia.”
“I’m not sure how I feel about that,” I confess with a whisper.
On the one hand, I’m happy to have the pain and the grief constantly on my mind, but on the other, I’m terrified that I’m forgetting the man who gave me everything.
“You’re allowed to move on with your life, sweetheart, moving on doesn’t mean you have to forget.”
“I think I’m finally starting to understand that part of it... that maybe I might be able to make room in my heart for both of you.”
“You have been doing a lot of thinking,” he muses and I can hear he’s smiling again.
It feels good to make him smile.
“I have. I thought that to give you my heart, I’d have to let go of him, but I think I was wrong. I think I can still give you my whole heart and still keep him in there too.”
“Do you have any idea how happy I am to hear you say that?”
His hand finds my hip under the blanket and slides over it until his hand is resting against my lower back.
I giggle. “I think I might.”
I half expect him to tell me that he loves me or kiss me to the point where I want to take off my clothes, but he doesn’t.
Instead, he leans in and kisses me on the forehead. “Stop thinking for a few hours, sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere.”
I might not be sure about a whole lot in my life anymore, but I am sure that he’ll be here when I wake up, so I allow my brain to finally switch off.
I allow myself to feel content in his arms, with the wedding ring Troy slid on my finger all those years ago, on a chain around my neck.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Luke
It’s only early. The sun is just beginning to rise in the sky.
I know I should get up and go for a run before I have to go to work, but I can’t bring myself to move an inch.
I’m watching her sleep and committing every detail of her face to my memory.
I’ve looked at her hundreds and hundreds of times, but never quite like this.
I’ve never seen the freckles on her nose so close up, and I’ve never noticed the small, silver scar just below her hairline on her forehead.
I’ve never noticed the closed-up second holes in each of her ear lobes, or the way her bottom lip is just slightly fuller than the top one.
I’ve never looked at her when she’s been in love with me.
She may not have said the exact words yet, but I feel them.
She loves me, and I love her, and after everythin
g we’ve already overcome together, I’m pretty confident that love can get us through the rest – whatever that might be.
She opens her eyes sleepily and then shuts them tight again when she sees that I’m awake and watching her.
“I forgot you were one of those annoying morning people,” she grumbles.
I prefer early mornings and early nights, while Mia prefers late mornings but also early nights. I’ve never known someone who values sleep as highly as Mia does.
“I’ll let you sleep in.” I chuckle as I roll over to get up.
“No.” She reaches for me. “Don’t go.”
I lay back down, and she snuggles into my side.
“Please tell me last night wasn’t a dream,” she tells me with a yawn.
“What happened last night?” I feign confusion with a frown.
She looks up at me with worried eyes and I crack, smiling wide.
“That’s not even funny, Luke,” she grumbles, but I can see a smile playing on the corners of her lips.
“Ohh, you mean the part where you came in here and told me you were crazy in love with me?”
“I didn’t say that.” She giggles and smacks me lightly on the chest.
I move in a flash so she’s on her back beneath me and I’m hovering over her.
I sweep some of her golden hair out of the way so I can look into her pretty green eyes without interruption.
“Well I’m crazy in love with you, Mia Vander.”
She blushes and bites down on her bottom lip.
“I love you recklessly, Mia. I’ll love you no matter the consequences.”
“Luke.” She breathes my name and it gives me goose bumps up and down my arms.
“Are you in with me? I know we’ve both got broken parts, and I can’t promise that I can mend either of us, but I’ll try. I’ll spend every day trying, and I’ll start right here and now by giving you all of me… Every last bit of me is yours if you want it.”
She doesn’t answer, just stares at me with so many emotions swimming in her eyes.
“What do you reckon?” I press.
My heart is beating so fast I’m on the verge of breaking into a sweat. Waiting for an answer from her is more terrifying than going into battle. It’s more frightening than the possibility of losing my life, because she is my life now. Her and Joe are the most valuable thing I could possibly lose.
“I say yes. I have a feeling I’d say yes to anything with you,” she replies in a sweet, gentle voice.
I know she’s not just saying yes to a shot at a relationship, she’s saying yes to a whole life together. This is permanent. She knows that as well as I do.
I also know that her telling me yes, is only the first of our hurdles to jump, but at least from this point onwards, we’ll be coming at them as a team.
Because she said yes.
I can’t believe how lucky I am.
I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want her, and it’s not even just about sex.
I want to eat breakfast with her and fall asleep in her bed. I want to share day-to-day life with her – that’s all I really want.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” I murmur as I lean down and brush my lips against hers.
She giggles softly. “You did everything. You’ve put in two years of your life already, Luke… that’s a lot of ground work. You did everything for me when I couldn’t do it alone.”
“I’m never going to let you be alone again.”
“You promise?” she whispers.
“I promise.”
***
“Hey, sweetheart, it’s me, have you heard from Caleb today?”
I lean my hip against the fence I’m building for Mrs. Buttermore and wipe the sweat off my brow. It’s a total scorcher out here today.
“I haven’t. Is something wrong?” Mia’s concerned voice asks down the phone.
“He didn’t turn up for work this morning. I thought maybe he was just running late, but I can’t get him on the phone and it’s after two… I thought he would have shown up by now.”
“That’s not like him…”
I can hear the worry in her voice for her brother-in-law.
“I’m sure he’s fine, Mia… something must have come up. Just let me know if you hear from him, okay?”
“I will.”
“I’ve got to go home and get a few things, so I’ll be back around four, alright?”
“I’ll see you when you get home,” she replies and this time I can hear the smile in her voice.
I love the way she calls it ‘home’ when she talks to me. I hope that one day she and I will share a home.
“Bye, Mia.”
“See ya, Luke.”
I hang up the phone and look up and down the street again, hoping that Caleb’s truck will appear.
I’ve got so much on my mind right now, I can hardly focus on what I’m meant to be doing.
Even though I told Mia not to worry about Caleb, I am worried. He’s never been late for work, let alone not shown up at all in the year and a half that he’s worked for me.
He always answers when I call.
Something is definitely up, and I don’t like it.
The other issue my mind keeps lingering on is the current living arrangement Mia and I have found ourselves in.
I’ve been staying at her place for coming up a week now, but I can’t stay in her spare room forever – we both know it has to come to an end soon.
The problem is, I don’t want it to come to an end. I want to be near her and Joe every day – not over at my house without them.
I don’t want to come in too hot and heavy with her, but we need to have some discussions, and sooner rather than later as far as I’m concerned.
I roll out my shoulder and groan. One of my old Army injuries is playing up again, and with Caleb not here to palm off the heavy digging to, I know I’m only going to make it worse.
My body has been put through the wringer. I’m not even thirty and I’ve got more aches and pains than a man twice my age.
I’m physically fit and I know I’m in good shape, but it’s not without effort and discipline; both of which I learned plenty of during my time served, and it’s certainly not without discomfort these days.
The most traumatic of the injuries I received out there aren’t ones you can see anyway – they’re the ones inside my head and my heart.
I can sometimes still hear the sound of guns firing when I close my eyes at night, and I still wake up in a panic, on high alert as though I’m back in the danger zone.
I can still picture my best mate’s face as he took his last breath.
The pain in my shoulder is nothing at all compared with those mental traumas.
I hit the number for Caleb and listen as it rings out over and over, the call going unanswered just like all the rest.
I huff out a breath and put my phone down on top of the fence.
I’ve got one more hole’s worth of digging in me and then I’m going looking for him I decide as I drive my shovel into the dirt.
***
I grab my water bottle and down the entire contents in one chug.
I’ve just dug the last hole for the fence and if I never have to push a shovel into the earth again, it’ll still be too soon.
My whole body is screaming in protest at the exertion, and I still haven’t seen any sign of Caleb.
I need to find him.
There’s an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that is telling me something isn’t right – that something bad is brewing.
It’s the same feeling I got the day Troy died, and if nothing else, that experience taught me that I need to trust my instincts.
I grab my gear and start hauling it into the back of the truck. I don’t know where to even start looking, but at least it’ll feel a lot less like doing nothing than this does.
I climb into the driver’s seat and start the engine.
I consider going around to his plac
e, but if he’s avoiding me – which I have a strong suspicion he is, then his house is the last place he’ll be holed up.
I sit at a stop sign with my indicator flashing left, even though I’m not sure which way I want to go at all.
Think. I tell myself.
I refuse to think about the fact that something could have happened to Caleb – surely fate wouldn’t be cruel enough to take both brothers.
“Where would he go?” I think aloud.
Caleb always asked Troy for advice when he was in trouble or needed help. If Troy were alive today, he would probably be talking to him about whatever is on his mind.
Troy.
That’s when it hits me.
He will have gone to see his brother.
I turn the wheel hard to the right, in the direction of the cemetery and flick my indicator over.
I’m pulling out onto the road when I hear my phone beep with a new text message.
It could be Caleb.
It could be Mia.
It could be important, I reason as I grab my phone off the seat next to me and do something that I never do. I check my phone while I’m driving.
It’s a message from Mia. I glance back at the road before pulling my eyes back to the screen in front of me.
From: Mia
Caleb is here. We’re going for a walk.
Joe is with Maria, if you get home before me, pick him up, okay? He knows, Luke… about me and you.
Talk to you when you get home xx
My heart pounds in my chest as I drop the phone back on the seat.
“Shit,” I mutter under my breath.
Well that explains why he didn’t turn up for work today. I was right. Caleb is avoiding me, and something is wrong. Very wrong.
Mia needs me. She needs me right now.
I know Caleb would never set out to intentionally hurt Mia, but emotionally, she’s fragile, and she’s been through a lot these past few days without taking on any more from him.
I’m hit with a pang of guilt to the gut.
This is all my doing.
I’ve turned her life as she knows it on its head. I’ve stormed into her delicately put together world and made her question everything she thought she knew.
Mr. March: A Friends to Lovers Romance (Calendar Boys Book 3) Page 8