by T Swanepoel
Chapter 5 – Home, not home
The drive home topped off the worst Friday of my life. First, I had overslept horribly, was late for class and eventually, after two never-ending classes, I walked back in the pouring rain to the dorm. Then, I waited two hours for Lisa and eventually gave up. I hadn’t been able to find her before class and had hoped to find her afterwards. I tried her phone about fifty three million times, but it was switched off. I missed lunch and only left around three, after a massive struggle down the stairs with my big suitcase and a growling tummy.
The drive home was terrible, terrible, terrible. I had to stop every now and then to wait for the downpour and lightning to slacken a bit as I struggled to make out anything in front of me. At times I couldn’t even see the markings on the road and blindly followed the tail lights of a car in front. In the end it took almost five hours to get home.
When I left the dorm, I was still partially in control. I was mad at Duncan. A part of me considered the fact that he possibly hadn’t done anything to me, maybe only set something in motion that was bound to happen someday. And he did try to protect me in a way – he warned me initially and then he spoke to me in the public park on the evening of Bridget’s attack as well. But I blamed him for the elusive act that he kept pulling out of his hat, like he had again the previous night. He did it on purpose, I was sure.
But what he didn’t know was that I had his number. The problem was that I didn’t have the guts to phone him; I was too afraid of the truth.
Then my thoughts had spiralled out of control. That was the worst part of the drive - the continuous, torrential train of thought. About Duncan and Alex and Lisa. And a little about Jennifer and Ronald and a blind date gone wrong. And after a while, also about Bridget and the hospital and fears for my life. And glows and the moon and the sun and the earth. And classes and tests and assignments and the sun. And initiation rituals and scary steps in the dark and a red stained blouse. And then again about Duncan and Alex.
It all felt too much for me; my ship had sunk long ago and I was drowning. I stopped, more because of my own tears pouring down than the rain outside. Even the earth around me was sad and dejected.
By the time I reached home, I was completely empty.
My mom opened the door, took one look and just held me. She knew me well enough to know not to ask any questions. She called my dad to park the car in the garage and get my suitcase, while she ran a bath with lots of bubbles. He gave me a semi-smile and a kiss on the cheek, took the car keys and then went out into the rain.
I fell asleep to the sound of my parents’ voices, on the couch in front of the television, after a hot cup of homemade chicken soup.
The next morning I awoke properly rested for what felt like the first time since I had left for varsity. It was good to be home. It felt normal, welcoming, sane.
But my mood was still dark. It had improved from the previous evening’s self-pity and hopelessness but was now anger and frustration. I felt angry with the situation that my life was in. The weather outside reflected that with an astronomical thunder and lightning storm.
My mom was going to ask questions this morning. And I wanted to tell her the truth so badly, I wanted to share what happened with me so, so bad. I wanted to ask her advice and I wanted her to tell me that everything was going to be all right and that she would sort out Duncan and the rest of the world.
But she wouldn’t be able to handle the truth. That was, if she believed me. I couldn’t, couldn’t tell her the truth. I’d tell her about the date, but not the weird stuff. Not now. Not ever.
The date came back to me like a chapter in a book that I didn’t like very much and would rather forget.
“Oh, at last! Everybody, raise a glass to the presence of my friend, Valerie,” Jennifer mocked. She continued with the introductions but I didn’t hear one word. I couldn’t keep my eyes off Duncan.
After weeks and weeks of searching and dwelling and wondering and stressing, he was finally in front of me, in person, but with a sneer on his face. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to make sure I wasn’t imagining things.
Our eyes met and he was even more intimidating than I had imagined. So much so that I couldn’t even remember one of the gazillion questions that I wanted to ask him. Completely unnerved, I swallowed hard, twice.
Jennifer noticed my staring and loudly cleared her throat. “Do you guys know each other?” she asked, jealousy dripping from her voice.
Before I could answer, Duncan jumped in.
“Nope, never met before. I’m Duncan, Valerie is it?” he lied, I knew it but I wasn’t sure if anyone else picked up on it. I couldn’t get anything out and simply nodded my head instead.
“Like I said before, Valerie, this is Ronald, your date for the evening,” she said with a forced smile and stiff neck. I didn’t want to upset Jennifer any further and mumbled a ‘hi’ in Ronald’s direction.
Ronald smiled widely. “Hi Valerie, nice meeting you,” he said, peeking at my legs. Under normal circumstances I probably would have blushed, but I didn’t care about the stupid outfit anymore. All I could think of was Duncan; he was the spindle of my thoughts.
“Let’s get going then. I can’t wait to see that new horror! Luckily I have a strong man to protect me,” Jennifer batted her eyelashes at Duncan. “We’re taking Ronald’s car,” she continued and pulled on Duncan’s arm, “as Lisa and Alex won’t be coming.”
The mention of Lisa’s name instantly brought back the conversation that I had earlier with her, as well as the thought that Duncan was possibly responsible for Alex’s illness. It occurred to me that it was very coincidental that Duncan had suddenly appeared out of nowhere, at exactly the same time as Alex’s illness. Concern over Alex forced me to control of my feelings.
“Why not?” I asked Jennifer and carefully watched Duncan’s expression.
“Lisa said Alex isn’t feeling very well. They’re going to watch DVD’s or something boring,” Jennifer answered. It was difficult to be absolutely sure in the half-dark of the streetlights, but Duncan’s face stayed the neutral same, his eyes fixed on Jennifer. I felt reassured that he and Alex didn’t know each other.
We squeezed into Ronald’s small little Mini Cooper. “It’s convenient for the city traffic,” he defended. No one answered him. Jennifer jumped into the back, dragging Duncan along. Ronald held the door for me in front. He immediately turned the music up. It was loud, dance-type music that seemed to propel the little car forward.
Duncan’s presence had me on edge and I couldn’t finish one straight thought in line before the next. I was intensely aware of him but also angry at him. A part of me felt like beating the answers from him there and then. Not that I would even if I had the chance; he was my solid ground, my only alliance in this big mystery.
After a deep breath, I relaxed my clenched fists and moved my attention deliberately to Ronald, taking proper notice of him for the first time. He was tall and had a strong physique with red, curly hair and a boyish face; kind of good looking but definitely no Alex. Or Duncan.
Ronald noticed my gaze, smiled back at me and stepped a little harder on the accelerator. Realising that he was getting the wrong impression, I turned my head away as far as possible and kept it there until we had parked. Ronald immediately rushed around the car to open the door for me. Duncan didn’t do the same for Jennifer, I noticed.
As soon as I was out, Jennifer asked the guys to buy the tickets. She pinched me and then dragged me to the loo.
“Valerie, what’s wrong with you? Get a grip! We talked to you in the car and you didn’t even bother to respond. Are you going to be like this the whole evening? It’s not very polite you know.” She turned to the mirror to apply even more mascara to her eyelashes.
I was about to defend myself when she interrupted me, before I even started. “Oh, and by the way, I saw how you stared at Duncan. You better not mess this up for me. I like him a lot and I would really like a repeat date after this one.
Besides, Ronald is definitely into you.” She smiled at me.
“You ready?” she asked, but didn’t wait for an answer and walked out. I mumbled a yeah to myself and then followed her, feeling heavy and frustrated. The possibility of finding answers was fading quickly. It was quite a pickle that I was in - I would never get a moment with Duncan while Jennifer was so clingy.
And I had to get Duncan alone and demand answers from him; he owed me that much at least.
Jennifer made sure that Duncan sat as far away from me as possible. I was stuck with Ronald and a bogus movie. Even Ronald grinned every now and then. Maybe he thought the movie was phony as well.
Things got really awkward when Jennifer first hinted and then tried to make out with Duncan. She sighed and made noises and giggled. Ronald looked at me and leaned forward. I panicked and pushed back into my seat as far as possible. To my great relief, he didn’t try to kiss me. Instead, he whispered in my ear: “You wanna get out of here?” The lighting concealed my blush. I felt like a lamebrain but nodded eagerly.
We walked out and found an open table in a coffee shop close by, with a cosy atmosphere and a homely aroma of coffee. He pulled the chair out for me and waited for me to sit before sitting down himself. It wasn’t the first well-mannered gesture for the evening, but it didn’t make up for my growing feeling of irritation towards Ronald.
“So Valerie, what kind of movies do you prefer if these fake horrors aren’t your type?” he asked after he had ordered two Irish coffees from the waitress.
“Actually any kind of movie without weird kissing noises is fine for me,” I said, embarrassed at the thought of their shamelessness. That was typical of Jennifer. She did everything in extreme.
“Yeah, wasn’t that awkward!” he grinned.
I agreed with him in silence, but it wasn’t nearly as awkward or tongue-tied as the two hours Ronald and I spent staring wordlessly at each other. I guess what could have added to the stiffness was my refusal to drink the extra strong whiskyed coffee: I ordered a cup of Rooibos tea. And maybe also that I moved away every time he moved closer but I couldn’t help it, his staring at my legs put me off.
I didn’t want to be with Ronald.
I wanted to be with Duncan.
I wished both Jennifer and Ronald away and felt a little guilty afterwards.
At one stage, Ronald excused himself to the gents’ loo and left his phone lying on the table. It happened to face me and I couldn’t help but notice that there was a message from Duncan.
It was the perfect opportunity to get his number. I accidentally pushed it from the table and accidentally pushed the green button as I picked it up again, or that was what I planned to tell him. The message read:
Remember our deal. Hands off her or suffer.
What was that about? Did Ronald get too close to Jennifer? It couldn’t be, he was with me the whole time. Was Duncan talking about me? It didn’t make any sense. I felt completely sick trying to figure out everything. Maybe I was being paranoid and nothing was going on at all. To ease my conscience, I decided not to worry about another grain on a beach of sand.
I deleted the message; I really didn’t want him to know I had read a message like that.
When he returned, I simply couldn’t stand his presence any longer and I asked him to take me back to the dorm. And that was the end of a bad blind date.
But it wasn’t all bad, I had Duncan’s number as a consolation prize.
I sighed and decided to put it out of my mind. I was at home now, and I was going to be cheerful and make the best of my visit. I delayed going to the kitchen and stayed in bed for awhile, but I couldn’t stay forever and eventually got up.
In the kitchen, there was a note for me on the oven door.
Went to the store, back soon. Pancakes in the oven. Love.
I made myself a cup of coffee and indulged in the spoils of a caring mom. I ate until my tummy hurt, which subdued the feeling of anger a little.
My parents drove in just as I finished the dishes.
“Glad to see that you’re better this morning,” my mom said while we unpacked the groceries.
“Guess so.” A little better.
“Honey, we need to talk to you. Make us all a nice hot cup of tea and then take it to the living room while I finish these bags.”
My dad was already waiting, and moments later my mom came in. She sat down next to my dad, opposite me. They were both very serious.
“Valerie, you need to know, before we tell you this, that we love you. We always have and always will, no matter what.” Fear stroked my throat and I took another sip of tea. My dad never called me Valerie. Dear or Honey or Lovey, but never Valerie. Didn’t they want me anymore? Did my real mother find them? I braced myself for what was coming.
“We don’t know how it happened or why it happened now, but, Valerie, we know. To be honest, there was a time that we thought it would never happen. We know, Honey.”
I stared at him. What on earth was he saying?
“Know what, Dad?” It was difficult to hide the emotion and it came out hard.
“We can see your resonance colour,” he said slowly and softly.
“You can... see...?” was all I managed to get out.
“Hank, I told you she wasn’t ready for this. Stop now. Stop now, please?” my mom begged.
I didn’t have the energy to move a muscle.
They were in on this. They knew all along.
I looked at them, my parents, sitting next to each other with their tea cups in their hands. Around me was the familiar living room. I had grown up here. But it all looked different to me now. It was a picture and a feeling that would probably haunt me for the rest of my life.
Home, but not home.
I felt cold inside and it wasn’t only because my hair was wet from running in the rain to get the grocery bags.
Cold and alone, utterly alone, like never before.
I stood up and walked out into the rain. I walked and walked until my feet hurt, until I didn’t know where I was any more.
When I couldn’t walk any further, I sat down. And after the feeling in my feet came back, I got up and walked on again.
***