by T Swanepoel
Chapter 16 – Inertial guidance
I spent Sunday afternoon in my room. I started with the drawers in the closet, first unpacking, then cleaning, then folding and reorganising. After the closet, the bookcase with all my textbooks and files and notes got a turn. Every single square millimetre was wiped and polished. It was the first real good spring clean since I’d moved in and it was long overdue judging by the layers of dust everywhere.
Somewhere in my heart, I recognised that I was cleaning and reorganising my room because it was time for a change. I had to make room for the new me. I would be a new Valerie once I had killed a person; the old me would be dead. I had to start accepting her, the new Valerie, the Valerie who was capable of killing another human being. They say all is fair in love and war, and this was a case of both.
I had to start hardening myself, trying to care less about Duncan. But it was difficult. I kept imagining over and over in my head how those grey eyes of his would turn lifeless in front of me, his body become motionless.
Lisa arrived just in time, before I went completely crazy. Apparently the Reds were on their way and she wanted us all to have dinner together.
I stopped what I was busy with and went downstairs with her.
We greeted one another and took our seats, but the table was quiet and the atmosphere tense. Their moods were dark as well, and I knew it was because of Alex’s announcement. They all blamed me, or at least it felt that way: I was the selfish jerk at the table. What made it worse was that none of them said one word about it.
The gall in my heart spoiled the taste of the food. I fled, after a so-to-say wordless dinner, back to my room. Why they had even bothered to invite me to lunch, I couldn’t figure out.
Later that evening, there was a knock on my door. I was in bed already and didn’t want to open up, but then thinking it might be Jennifer, I did. To my great disappointment, Benjamin stood on the other side of the open door.
I groaned inwardly. I felt guilty towards him as well, as he and Alex were good friends.
“Hey, Val, what’s the matter with you?”
“Nothing,” I answered quickly. I wanted him to leave. “We aren’t allowed to have boys in our rooms. How did you get up here without being noticed?”
“I used my power,” he answered with a straight face.
A little light went on in my mind and I invited him in. We sat on my bed, facing each other.
“Hey, maybe if I can understand how you use your power, then I might try to use mine. Don’t you think it will work?”
Why didn’t I think of this before? I should have asked my dad the other day! Then maybe my practising would have turned out better.
“I suppose so,” he answered half-heartedly.
“By the way, what power did you use?”
“I ...uh...I can change form,” he stuttered uncomfortably. It seemed strange, him looking uncertain about his powers; didn’t he trust me?
Then he corrected himself, and spoke fluently: “I changed phase, to liquid form.”
“What? You turned liquid?”
He grinned at me. “It’s slow, but you gain momentum after a while.”
“That’s a nice one!” I exclaimed, surprised at the thought of Benjamin turning liquid and flowing over the floor.
“Yep, that’s how I survived the accident the other day.”
Of course, I thought. It made perfect sense. I was feeling better already, just being around Benjamin. He had the ability to make me feel more comfortable in my own skin.
“Then why didn’t you do it the other night when we had to use the emergency stairs?” I asked.
“The others don’t have the same powers. And it’s slow, but I probably would have transformed if we were caught.”
“So tell me now, how do you do it?”
“I’ve been able to do it for as far back as I can remember. And there’s no specific way to do it... let me rephrase, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s no different from telling my arm to move,” he looked at me intently. “I’m sorry, Valerie. I’m not helping here.”
My disappointment was obvious.
“Why do you want to know all of a sudden? You’re not planning to challenge Duncan on your own? You are, aren’t you? That would be suicidal! You cannot do it without support. What if he’s waiting for you with an army?” He sounded really upset.
I had to think fast, I didn’t want him to know. He’d stop me.
“No, it’s not that. I’m curious, that’s all. Everybody keeps telling me how powerful I am and now I want to see why.”
He looked at me like he didn’t believe me.
“Promise me you won’t?” he asked, his green eyes glowing.
I remembered my previous promise to him, one that I had broken in the blink of an eye. Yes, they’d said it was manipulation, but to be honest, I hadn’t even cared that I’d broken it.
But he couldn’t know the truth.
“Promise me, Valerie?” he insisted.
“But what’s the big deal anyway? I won’t die if I try. You said it yourself?”
“No Valerie, the decision has been made. Opposing Alex’s decision is punishable by death. He is the Ruler, you know? So promise me, please Valerie, please promise me?” he begged.
“Fine, promise.” I was a jerk. Officially. It should be my second name: Valerie Jerk Stanton. But I had to try, even if I died in the process. For Alex at least. Then Earth would get a new ambassador and all would be safe.
“I care, in case you haven’t noticed. I care for you,” he whispered staring deeply into my eyes.
At first, I thought it was worry on his face. But the look intensified. Oh, my goodness, I thought. I should have read the signs better! I swallowed. I didn’t want to lead him on, but I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. At least he didn’t judge me for opting not to kill Duncan. Actually, he did much better than that, he supported me, understood it in some way.
I flew up from where I sat on the edge of the bed.
“I think someone is coming,” I lied in a whisper.
He frowned at me, as if he knew that I’d lied. He stood up wordlessly and stared at me.
“See you tomorrow,” he promised and walked out.
I was in shock. Benjamin obviously had intentions other than what I’d thought. To me, he was an older brother, nothing more: a wonderful older brother, the brother that I’ve never had, that I’d wished for so million times, for as far back as I could remember. I didn’t want to lose that aspect of our relationship.
The phone on my bed pedestal didn’t look as innocent as before.
Monday was stressful. I was nervous being around Benjamin now. And I worried about the test results coming out. We received the first lot back in second period, environmental sciences. It was almost okay according to my standards. I scored 62%. The rest of the class didn’t do much better, making my results seem good.
I saw Benjamin for the first time during lunch. He walked in as I walked out, pretending that I wasn’t there. I felt hurt but relieved that he didn’t stay for a chat.
We didn’t get any other results back the rest of that day.
Jennifer arrived only after dinner, practically glowing with happiness. She didn’t want to say why, but she promised to show me later the week.
Tuesday was a little better; we got back our astronomy and algebra results. I scored 70% and 76% respectively. I was very proud and sent my mom a message there and then, in spite of the fact that Lisa did miles better than me, 92%, in algebra.
Benjamin wasn’t around at all.
In the philosophy class, I was surprised to see Professor Rosenbaum again. He didn’t say why he was there instead of Professor Greenwald. He held the class’s attention for a few moments when he handed out the marked tests, calling each student by surname to walk down to the front to fetch them from him.
When he called my name, I got up from my chair in the middle block and walked down the aisle.
“I want to see you after class,
please Missy,” he said.
The class roared with laughter and whistles and ooh’s.
With a bright blush and the little pride that I had left, I took my seat again, too embarrassed to worry about why he wanted to talk to me.
“Don’t worry about it, everyone will have forgotten this by the end of the period,” Lisa whispered in my ear.
I managed a semi-smile at her in return.
It took until the middle of the period before my cheeks were at 36.6 again. I still had my test paper in my hand, and now turned it over to see the mark. I had scored 85%.
The rest of the babbling floated right over my head, and apparently everyone else’s too.
I stayed behind when the class ended until the room was completely cleared. The earlier unwanted attention was still the spindle of my thoughts. I frowned as I walked up to the Professor.
“Sorry about that earlier, Valerie,” he said.
I stared back at him, surprised that he knew my name. It was odd for any lecturer at a big university, not to mention a guest lecturer. I didn’t answer him. He wanted me to say it was okay, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t high school any more, Professor or not.
“I asked you to stay behind because you are the best in class. Do you find the work interesting?”
My irritation disappeared like mist under the sun. It was wonderful to hear. I did study hard, and now I was reaping the fruit.
“Thank you, Professor. Yes, I do find the work interesting. Not everything, to be honest.”
“You had an opinion in your test that very few people agree with, you know?”
I immediately knew what he alluded to: Benjamin’s explanation about everything being alive, but to different degrees of intelligence. There was nothing about it in the study material, and I had wanted to see what the erudite would think of such a way-out theory, based on the points awarded for that question.
“I believe so, yes, Professor,” I answered carefully.
“Do you, now? Do you really, really believe that?” he asked, studying my face.
His question stunned me. I wasn’t sure if I really believed it. Not that everything was alive. Yes, the Earth responded to me. But I wasn’t really convinced about everything. Rocks? Water? It seemed a little too fantastic to be true.
He continued without waiting for my answer. “Let me give you my take on this. You need to look beyond the physical. See the life radiating from each being. Recognise it, acknowledge it, and believe it.”
I was speechless. Was he hinting about ambassadors?
“And another thing. Thoughts are energy. And the more you believe a thought, the more energy it has. And that energy can convert to any form of choice. It can even manifest...”
He was talking about my powers! He was telling me to choose the form of the power! My heart pounded so hard with excitement that I was afraid I would miss his words.
“Keep doing well; there are bursaries available for next year.”
He turned and walked out, not as wobbly as before, leaving me standing there.
I got back into gear a second too late and ran after him. I wanted to ask how he knew it and who he was, but he was gone. Only Benjamin was out there, sitting on a little bench close by, waiting to have lunch with me. I walked up to him with lead in my shoes.
***