But he doesn’t even look at the apartment. His eyes are fixed on me, a smile playing a little nervously on his lips. He hovers for a moment, not knowing what to do with himself. It surprises me to find that he’s polite. He’s waiting to be invited to sit down. Plus, while he’s been standing waiting for me to take the lead, he’s slid off his trainers and tucked them neatly beneath the coffee table. I guess he’s used to being in the kinds of places where a grubby shoe print on the carpet is much more of a disaster.
“Where shall we work? The sofa? The desk? The bed?”
I blush. He says it completely innocently, but the thought of being in proximity to a bed with him just takes me straight back to the night at his party when we kissed for the first time.
“We can work on the sofa. And maybe grab a slice of pizza before it gets cold...”
He grins. “I like that logic.”
I’m giving myself a total of ten minutes for this. I need to hear him out, and I can tell he’s ready to talk. I still have a lot to do this evening, but him coming here is important too. For once, I need to put my social life first, just for a while.
He sits down and opens the box of pizza, offering me the first slice. We eat in silence for a moment and he demolishes his first slice, not bothering to reach for another. He turns his body toward me, his posture a little stiff. It’s like he’s forgotten how to sit normally, thrown off by his new environment and the change in company. I guess things are more straight-forward with Violet. He clears his throat.
“So...I just wanted a chance to explain myself. First of all...I don’t want you to think I’m a cheat. I know that a lot of people think that me and Violet are a couple...and I guess we’ve always acted a little like we are. But we were never together. We’ve been kind of...well…”
“Casual?”
He nods, looking slightly embarrassed. “We agreed that if things got too intense, or if one of us found someone, then it’d be over. I thought it was simple in that respect...we’d laid down some rules, you know? But feelings don’t necessarily follow the rules...so I suppose that was naive on my part. I know a lot of people think it’s a dumb thing to do, starting a casual relationship with your friend, and now that it’s over-”
“It’s over?” I say in surprise. I wasn’t expecting him to say that. After all, he doesn’t owe me anything. It would be easy enough for him to fall back on what he and Violet have instead of starting something fresh. But he nods at me.
“Yeah. I never really took it seriously, if I’m honest. It took me a long time to realize that she and I saw the arrangement in different ways. For me, it was good company...a way to feel less alone...and for her, it was like a preamble to something more.”
I nod slowly. It’s obvious to me as an outsider that these things get complicated the second feelings get involved. But maybe Oliver was blissfully unaware of what he was getting himself into. And with Violet’s feelings involved, it makes complete sense to me now why he sat with her in the lecture and not me. It’s not because he’s a player.
It’s because he’s a good friend.
“Did things...are things alright between the two of you?”
He sighs, running a hand through his hair and ruffling it even more. “Well, I wouldn’t say that...but I think, given time, she’ll be okay. She just needs me to not make a big deal of it. She needs us to pretend that everything is normal until eventually, it is. That’s why...well, I’ve been trying to keep my distance from you when I can. Because I know it’ll hurt her to see me with you.”
“I get it.”
“It’s not fair on you though, Willow. I don’t want to be apart from you. I want to be able to see you.” He shakes his head. “I’m not good at this…”
“You’re doing fine,” I tell him. I shuffle a little closer to him. “Look...life is complicated. I know that better than a lot of people. But if you want this to be a thing...then it can be. With time...there’s no rush. I don’t need you to get down on one knee, Oliver. I’m happy just to hang out when we have time...we can take it easy. See where it goes,” I tell him. I can’t believe I’ve managed to keep my voice so level when my heart is beating so fast. I care a lot more than I’m letting on, but in truth, I had no idea how much I was feeling until these words came spilling out of my mouth. I want to date him. I want to kiss him when I feel like it. I want to not tread on eggshells.
But I feel strongly enough that I’m willing to wait. Even though it feels torturous to be kept dangling like this, I'm willing to put myself through it because this matters. If he was unimportant to me and my life, I’d give up easily. I have bigger issues than worrying about a guy and all of his baggage at the same time. But with Oliver...it feels different. It feels worth waiting.
Oliver’s face is unreadable for a moment as he takes in everything I’ve said to him. Maybe he thinks I’m not that bothered about the whole thing. I’ve certainly made a point of playing it cool this evening. But I want him to know that I do care. And when he smiles at me, I smile back.
“Okay….taking it easy it is,” he says. “So we can leave it there for tonight...yeah? I don’t want to get in the way of your evening.”
“You’re not in the way...it’s just I have a lot to do…”
“Is there anything I can help with?” he asks, his eyes eager. “I mean, considering I’m the best writer you know…”
I snort. “Yeah, alright, don’t flatter yourself too much...but I’m not sure how you could help me, to be honest. I’m writing a romance novel for my employer-”
“What, like an entire novel? Are you serious? How do you have time for that?”
I shrug. “I turn one in once a month. Once I get started, it’s not too hard to get into the swing of it...I just have to get pen to paper. But it’s not like we can co-author it, is it?”
Oliver shrugs. “Well, I don’t see why not....”
“What, like I dictate and you type? It’d be just as quick to do it alone…”
“Not exactly...I’ve had a thought. Have you got voice typing on your laptop?”
“I’ve never looked…”
“Let me take a look…”
I hand my laptop to him and he plays around with the settings for a bit until he finds what he’s looking for. Then, he balances the laptop between us on the sofa, grinning at me as though he’s just done something really impressive.
“So...when you were a kid, did you ever play that game where one of you writes a word, and then the next person has to carry it on?”
I nod tentatively. This feels like a disaster waiting to happen, but I kind of want to entertain it.
“So I was thinking...we can each speak a sentence and then carry it on between us...and since it looks like this is a romance scene...we could be one character each? And try to speak their dialogue?”
I laugh. “Wow, I’m not sure I’m drunk enough for this kind of role playing game...as in, I’m stone cold sober.”
He smiles. “I’d suggest we crack open a bottle of wine, but I won’t be a bad influence today, I swear...come on, it’ll be fun. Think of it as a new creative angle.”
I should say no. After all, this process seems like it’s going to mean me going back later and editing the whole thing. But I want to give in to him. I want to forget my responsibilities for a while and just enjoy his company. The whole exercise sounds ridiculous, and yet I want to entertain it, just for him.
“Alright...let’s give it a go. You might want to read a few pages before and then we can start…”
He nods, taking the whole thing more seriously than I expected him too. I watch him as he reads. I’ve never had the pleasure of watching him read before and I have to admit, it’s nice to see. He furrows his brow while he does it, absent-mindedly chewing on his thumb in concentration. Occasionally, he’ll make an approving noise or nod to himself before adjusting his position on the page. When he gets up to speed, he offers me a smile.
“I’ve never read your romance stuff before...i
t’s different, but I like it. It’s...heart-warming.”
I know he’s teasing me now and I shove his shoulder, making him laugh and throw up his hands defensively.
“Alright, alright, I’m sorry...but truly, this is good. I like it a lot. Then again, I like everything you write.”
I shake my head to myself. It always strikes me how easy it seems for him to give out compliments. It doesn’t cost him a thing, and yet each one is worth a million dollars. It’s better than any physical gift he could give me...even a pretty delicious pizza.
“Shall I start?” he asks, clearing his throat for comic effect. “So...here goes.” He clicks a button to begin the voice activation.
“...Alice’s eyes were filled with doubt. Her lover was confusing to her at the best of times. Now, he was standing on her doorstep, his hair dripping from the rain, telling her that he needed her.” Oliver raises his eyes to look at me, giving me permission to take up the baton. I take a deep breath. It feels strange to speak the words that are forming in my head, but I have to embrace new experiences today. I’m already out of my comfort zone. This can’t be much worse.
“...His eyes looked different than they usually did. The fired up anger in his eyes had been replaced by something softer, more gentle. There was still passion there, but the look in his eyes...it was closer to a flickering candle than a giant inferno.”
I can see the smile on Oliver’s lips threatening to burst out. This whole thing is making me feel so vulnerable. I realise it’s because it’s too close to how I’ve felt these past few weeks with Oliver.
“I can’t do this. I can’t be without you,” Oliver murmurs. It takes me a moment to remember that this is part of the game. In his eyes are the exact things I just described aloud. That calm flicker of passion is something I’m growing used to seeing, but I can’t get used to the feeling it brings out in me. I take a deep breath.
“You’ve never said that before...you have a wife at home. This was always supposed to be something simple,” I whisper. I’m certain that the computer hasn’t even picked up what I said, but I don’t care much. This whole game feels too close to home for it to be playful anymore. When Oliver looks me in the eyes, I can tell that he wants to do something. He wants to reach out and touch me, or say something true, or close the gap between our lips. But he pauses and silence fills the air. I imagine that I’m Alice. I imagine him standing on my doorstep with water dripping from his fringe. He takes a deep breath.
“Sometimes, you can’t help the way you feel,” he says, blurring the lines between our reality and the story we’re trying to tell. “When I married her, I felt something for her. I really did. But meeting you...it made those feelings seem small and insignificant. I can’t deny how I feel anymore...I’m so desperate for you, Alice. It’s an ache inside me. Existence is pain without you at my side. And these things I feel...they make me cold and uncaring to the rest of the world. I could hurt any number of people for my own selfish need for happiness. I’ll tear every seam of my life apart to find solid ground with you.”
I can’t help being shocked by the intensity of it all. This was meant to be fun, but his words are stirring something inside me. He’s speaking like he knows how this feels. Either he’s a good actor or he knows exactly how to get a girl to believe every word that leaves his lips.
Or he’s a good writer, I suppose.
I open my mouth, but no words come out. He’s moved closer without me noticing. I want to reach out and cup his cheek, so I do. Where’s the sense in holding back anymore? Surely he wanted this to bring us together, and now we’re mere inches apart. I close my eyes for a moment.
“...Alice’s eyes fluttered up to meet her lover’s once again. She could see from the way he looked at her that he meant every word he said.” I open my eyes to meet Oliver’s. I hear his breath catch in his throat. I can feel my heart throbbing against my chest with frightening intensity. It’s now or never, I guess…
“Alice’s last thought before she kissed him was of how sweet it would be to give in…”
Oliver closes the gap between us, stopping me mid sentence with his lips. His hand touches the back of my neck, tickling the skin pleasantly as he rubs his thumb over it. I lean in closer, closing my eyes and enjoying the moment. It’s more like the first kiss we shared than the second. It’s calm and understated, but just as good as I imagined it would be. It makes me feel like the troubled waters between us have finally calmed down. It feels natural. It feels right.
When we break apart, the primary expression on his face is surprise. It’s like he wasn’t expecting this moment to occur, even though this is what he came for. But his surprise soon switches to a smile.
“Can I take you out?” he asks, and though I know we’re not playing the game anymore, I smile.
“Alice looked her lover deep in the eyes and considered his proposal. There was a certain amount of danger to giving in to him. Surrendering herself to her emotions was new ground for her, and it felt like everything might come crashing down on her head if she did…”
Oliver grins back, humouring me. I suppress a giggle.
“But she also knew that if she didn’t say yes, she’d regret it forever. And so she cupped her lover’s cheek and said…”
“Bring it on,” Oliver finishes for me.
Chapter Nine
Oliver
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning. I can’t remember the last time I went on a date and cared about it. Back home in California, I used to date a lot. The girls I knew from school were all good friends of mine, and at the time it seemed fine that we all dated one another. It didn’t mean a thing and even if there were mini-heartbreaks, they were soon forgiven and forgotten.
But today is different. I actually want this to go somewhere. I want to make Willow feel good. I want her to feel reassured that I’m the real deal.
But it’s hard knowing where to begin. I don’t know what I can and can’t do in this situation. I’m still learning her sense of humour and how far I can push my jokes. I’m still figuring out what her beliefs are and whether they match up to mine. I’m still wondering whether this initial attraction is going to be enough to bind us together. But I guess I’ll never know if I don’t take a leap of faith.
We don’t have any solid plans today. I told her I’d meet her outside her flat and we could go wherever we fancied. It’s a little nerve-wracking not having a plan, but the nerves are worth seeing her again. Finally, we’re on our own terms. Finally, we’re exploring these feelings that have haunted us for these past few weeks.
I text her when I arrive outside her place and hold my breath until she answers the door. An involuntary smile springs to my mouth. She looks so good today. Her hair seems extra vibrant against her yellow pinafore dress. She’s sewn on all sorts of things, as though she’s putting together a jigsaw of her personality. There are several band patches that I recognise, and some I don’t. There are also a few that look like tattoos, but in the form of fabric, like a rose and a skull and crossbones. It’s an eclectic outfit, and it suits her perfectly. She’s never worn anything like this to university, and I feel almost honoured that I’m seeing Willow at her most Willow. She looks me in the eye without shying away as she smiles at me in greeting.
“Hey...thanks for picking me up,” she says.
“That’s no problem...what would you like to do?”
She shrugs. “I don’t mind...so long as we don’t spend much. I hope that’s okay...I’m just kind of perpetually short of cash.”
I almost say that I’ll pay for everything we do today, but I quickly realise that’s a terrible idea. Not only is Willow determined to support herself, but she’s also got a lot of pride. I wouldn’t want her to feel like I’m taking pity on her. So instead, I smile.
“Suits me. To be honest...in all the time I’ve been here, I’ve never really done the touristy things...what do you say? Fancy taking me on a tour?”
“I don’t see why not.
..I just never took you for the touristy type, I guess. I thought you’d want to be on a pub crawl or something.”
I laugh. “Even I don’t go on pub crawls in the middle of the day...often.”
“Classic,” she says and we easily fall in step with one another. “Well, I’m laying down one rule now...no drinks until five o’clock.”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere…”
“Hey, look at you. You’ve been off American soil too long...you’re becoming a British alcoholic.”
I grin in response. “Why do you think I moved here? I wasn’t going to wait until I was twenty-one to drink…”
“Like you would anyway. You’re not exactly one to follow the rules,” she says. I can’t tell if it’s a compliment or not, but either way, she’s smiling. I get the feeling today is going to be good. Better than I expected, even.
We head into the town center, talking about nothing in particular. It feels easy. I’ve always found it quite easy to find something to talk about with everyone I meet, but with Willow, there’s no effort involved.
We meander past the Bombed Out Church and down Bold Street, passing by all the thrifty stores and independent restaurants. Our bodies keep brushing against each other as though a magnetic force is pulling us together. We stop for a while to watch a man with an inflatable microphone and an impressive green suit warbling a rendition of a song that seems familiar, but I can’t quite place. I’ve seen him before around town, considering he’s kind of a local legend, but walking by him with Willow, this city feels even more like home than usual.
We turn right and head toward the public library, which is somewhere I’ve never actually been before. When I tell Willow, she raises her eyebrow.
“You do realize our tutors took us there once, right?”
I smile sheepishly. “I might’ve skipped that field trip.”
“Why am I not surprised,” she mutters, but I can see the affection in her eyes. Is it possible that these past few weeks have softened her opinions of me?
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