by Megan Boyle
4:54pm: when I looked at not-as-attractive-as-I-remember person’s facebook pictures I thought ‘yeah but look at how much better he’s doing than you. Also look at how you look, man.’ pictured him reading this, grimacing and sucking air through the sides of his mouth, yanking collar for comic effect.
5:22pm: traffic. responded to emails in rapidfire manner. Matthew donahoo response got me emotional. Worried I didn’t respond to Jordan in time for him to see, or maybe he just doesn’t want. I don’t know. Feeling heavy today. Feeling like everything hurts and dense invisible gas is infiltrating all my pores and there is no way to escape, ever. Unsure what I mean, where would I escape to? Pictured myself on bed in mom’s apartment and on bed at Dad’s apartment. I need to be put in a storage closet and forgotten. I’m driving to a place that closed a half an hour ago. I’m lost near d.c. Going back. What is there for me…I don’t know what I want but I know it’s not this…is that a country song…I felt okay leaving apartment. What happened. There is no one to talk to, really. I’m talking to this because there’s no one to talk to.
5:32pm: I will be in my car again but I will never be driving home to my apartment in Philadelphia again. Okay. Don’t get lost in heavy emotional thing, you are losing awareness. Why does the sun always look so bright when I feel like this. Cloudy or less bright wouldn’t be better, it’s just why is it always this bright when I feel this. Maybe have light sensitivity disease.
6:17pm: listened to Why? songs and let crying happen. Passed a gray-haired man with a green shirt and a tire jack on the shoulder fixing a flat during ‘this blackest purse.’ This was the climax of crying, seeing him caused sobbing climax, thought ‘how do you do this for so long, how is he doing this, his family, all of these people around me facing forward in our cars helping us get somewhere, the same way they put blinders on horses pulling carriages in cities, it’s because without blinders they can see everything around them and they panic and run, I told that to Zachary, oh my god Zachary: an old man someday, or not, how can this go on like this, remember mom said ‘you’re mourning, you’re just in mourning’ in 2011 and you didn’t know what she meant died, even all the people who have ever held you and meant it and wanted you to be closer to them so they could touch more of you, remember those people, even in 2006, they couldn’t hold you tight enough to make you somewhere else right now, to save you from right now, or tomorrow, going home again oh my god endless goings home, it’s like they forgot to tell you they had to amputate something, phantom limb of some happy future that could’ve been if only not for you, all of the people around you in cars, too many, how will you ever talk to one of them again, imagine being held again knowing all this, all the good nothing will do you, you were on a comforter with flowers after everyone’s parents had picked them up from your birthday party, where is the comforter now, where is the video of this, how many of your cells are always dying and flaking off to unknown places, you’re always in mourning for something, little endings of you everywhere, if you saw a picture of this when you were little would you believe it, this is how you end up, they should’ve warned you before you started’
6:56pm: I’m technically wearing pieces of Philadelphia apartment/my dried sweat particles. Haven’t showered in MD yet.
7:34pm: Ate 30mg adderall. It will improve. Picturing mom watching TV right now and her hair looks so pretty and bouncy and she has the green bathrobe. Maybe I should make crying video for Rion now. I look bad but I can’t write and definitely seem quick to cry. Okay will try. Might be better that I look bad. His video will have insider liveblog coverage now. No don’t say ‘insider liveblog coverage’ don’t get in a good mood.
7:35–10:30PM: mostly concentrated on finding things to make me cry, fix computer/camera problems. face is big and swol from crying. had a vague memory that the last scene of ‘midnight cowboy’ made me like, lose my shit big time, sob for 20 minutes or something in high school, so i found it and filmed me watching it and it was pretty much like that. continued to cry after the movie. then dad’s computer…camera on photobooth…damn. yeah. so. it didn’t work. cried a lot to make up for it. feel good about the quality of crying i will be providing for the music video.
splashed water on face and reapplied mascara. skin looks old. cried at the final scene of ‘glory,’ final scene in ‘one flew over the cuckoo’s nest,’ and listening to ‘this blackest purse’ and thinking a little harder about shitty things. shirley kept walking in front of me during ‘glory.’ picked her up and used her as kleenex. very cute-looking, her face when i do this.
10:30–11:59PM: dad came home at some point. offered me lemon bundt cake several times. i kept saying ‘thank you, but not right now’ and he kept asking me how i was, like, ‘how are you,’ thoughtfully stressing ‘are,’ and i’d say ‘i’m really tired really don’t feel social right now, would like to talk later.’ i seemed to be upsetting him by not answering but didn’t feel capable of answering. he said ‘how’s that computer working?’ and i said ‘slow’ without thinking about what his reaction would be and he started a line of questioning like ‘what should i do, should i take it to macmedics, have them clean it out?’ i said ‘i don’t know, it seems really old, you could probably just get a new one.’ he said ‘you don’t think macmedics could clean it out, you know, really fire it back up?’ i said ‘i don’t know, i don’t know what to do with computers, why did you ask me, can we please not talk right now, i’m sorry, i’ll talk later.’ he seemed upset.
forget if i’ve talked about this:
there are like 600 pictures of me on this computer from a few years ago. guess i used this computer for a while. many of the pictures are me being ‘sexy,’ like, using strategic camera angles to show off body parts in underwear, going about this in totally obvious/indulgent ways i see other girls do as if no one thinks ‘this girl is being totally obvious/indulgent with her strategic camera angles.’ most of the pictures were taken via request of boyfriend at the time, though i’ve taken similar ones alone, with no intentions to share.
have no idea if dad has seen these. at some point i started thinking about ‘person seeing all the parts half their genes contributed to’ sounds better than ‘dad saw my sexy pics.’ it was difficult to make eye contact tonight.
APRIL 4, 2013
12:23AM: alvie howling/meowing from last night has been replaced by dad seemingly going out of his way to make noises with every part of his body. mom has noticed this also. very loud man, that dad. forgot about the loudness. he can’t hear well.
12:57am: dad brushed teeth standing across the hall, in bathroom where I shaved Zachary’s face a few days ago. Teeth brushing seemed to take a long time. I was in my room, putting on shoes. Apologized for acting rude and mostly unsolicitedly pointing out that the noises dad was making were my reason for leaving. Said i hadn’t slept and dad reminded me of the Xanax he gave me and said ‘two milligrams per night is good for me’ and I said ‘I don’t want it now, you just gave me another pack yesterday’ and remembered the thing about how I childishly refuse coffee offers from parents. Dad said ‘oh I gave you more? Do you need more?’ I said ‘no I just said you gave me more, I don’t want it right now, I don’t want to sleep’ and something about feeling obsessed with this. Shirley perched near me and is now purring on my leg. I turned off my light and laid on the mattress with my feet hanging off. Dad came out of bathroom but I didn’t open eyes. Dad said ‘just so you know rent is eleven-hundred dollars a month, twelve-hundred if you use the lights.’ I sort of laughed and said ‘just hire someone to murder me for that amount.’ he said ‘oh, no,’ in a tone like he was saying ‘oh, no, I had considered that.’ he said ‘im glad you’re here.’ I said ‘boy am I not,’ meaning less his apartment and more ‘alive.’ he got it, I was surprised that he got it and didn’t want to say defensive things about the apartment.
1:05am: he is being loud with weed things. Drawers. Stinky weed. He like, threw money at my head, two $50s, it was weird. This was before the weed
though. He said ‘would you be opposed to having two fifty dollar bills?’. I said ‘no that’s extremely nice, you’re doing the thing where you ask my permission, you don’t have to do that ever, remember,’ as he threw them at me. He said ‘oh is that what I’m doing’ stressing the ‘that,’ walking away in an upset way. I said I was sorry again and thanked him for the money but pretty sure I sounded irritated.
1:07am: it sounds like a long, heavy, beaded, wooden rope is rolling down wood stairs.
1:14am: said ‘when are the noises going to stop?’ dad appeared in doorway, said something defensive, I said ‘but you said the noises would stop a while ago.’ he said he was putting on a quiet guided mediation cd, that he should maybe play loud enough so I could hear. I said ‘I gotta go. Your pot stinks.’ it really is very stinky weed. I apologized for acting rude, not trying to cover up not being in a bad mood.
1:22am: unsure where I’m driving. Very hungry. Headache. Itchy eyes from crying and allergies to something, I think, maybe. Allergic to me. If a cop pulls me over they might smell Dad’s weed, see my red cry-eyes, search me and find ‘worse’ drugs. Damn, where am I going?
1:24am: here are my jeopardy categories:
Where is Megan Boyle driving
Food amounts not ‘mg’
Days it could be
People you have disappointed
Tree homophones
Famous 18th century adult children
The daily double would be its own category which is ‘do you feel shittier now than ever.’ I’d write like, ‘[crossed out] no.’ Alex would say ‘no, ‘trout’ is the answer we were looking for. Trout: that’s the fish.’
There really was a ‘tree homophones’ category the other night.
1:50am: keep reaching for things in my jacket, thinking it’s another jacket, forgetting what I was reaching for.
1:54am: pictured Joaquin Phoenix/Yoni Wolf hybrid in 19th century oil tycoon suit preaching in a sparsely furnished brown room where I’m the only other person, kneeling in the center, thinking ‘will this end in sex…I hope this ends in sex…’
1:57am: button fell off my shirt. All my major jackets have lost at least one button at some point. Buttons got the right idea: stay away from me.
2:04am: what kind of food could I possibly buy and eat now. Want a Wawa BLT. Headache Jesus oof. Uff. The Rick Ross watermelon went ‘uff,’ remember?
2:06am: going to do words I think of as I think of them thing again: suburban banshee, banya, baobab tree, homophones, Bose, licking a grilled cheese, January, hair pattern bald spilling looseage, three ring binder, zooming canopy monkey, tres little blind mice, condominium, mortgage, a fleece seat, debbiderra, Derrida, debbie Harry, three blind mice again, horticulture, speed lasso, Tasmanian devil, bronco sleeves, a tourist attraction, blind mice (not three), twelve step dildo introduction, big ship mathematics, snorlax, bison, person saying ‘it smells like…a bra’ after smelling my bra, I’ll never forget that I don’t think, it was the person whose pictures I’m not as attracted to anymore but wish I we were in his basement sniffing my bra right now, just like in the olden days
2:14am: I want to get rammed really hard. Sexually rammed, not dodge rammed. That would help somehow. I am a self-diagnosed borderline personality disorder person. The only nice thing I have touched in days is this hot pink rubber thing on the back of my phone. It is supposed to help the phone not break. Or something. Help me help myself not break my phone when I drop it. And you better believe I will drop it.
2:20am: I shouldn’t tell dad his pot stinks.
2:23am: an ambulance is behind me with its lights going and no sirens. Would be funny if an ambulance just…always followed me…reverse ‘ambulance chaser’…do any billionaires hire ambulances to follow them 24/7?
2:26am: in my memory there was a period of today where I was unconscious. Or. I guess I was just barely functioning, sitting on mattress. Sheesh, right? Sheesh? Did anyone else ever say ‘sheesh’ like it means ‘throwing in the towel, man?’ Is that a Kermit the frog thing?
2:29am: impersonations I have been told I do well: Kermit the frog, Tao Lin, Zachary, a Russian person, an Indian person, Kenny. Mom and I used to do Anna Nicole smith. Both my dead grandmas. See Megan it’s not so bad. Everyone thinks they can do Bob Dylan. And Bill Cosby. The nerve. The gaul. The gaul of some people. The Charles deGaul. Gaulle? It’s an airport in France I think. I’m in parking spot at Dad’s.
2:42AM: i feel undeserving of the colorful packaging of a ‘berries go mega’ odwalla ‘food bar.’ but. what is there to do.
3–4:40AM: ate 2mg xanax, odwalla ‘berries go mega’ bar, dipped potato chips in sabra ‘classic hummus.’ think there were some fucking cadburry mini-eggs. often fantasize about being able to relocate weight to other places on body. like, reshape my legs and ‘take ‘em down a few’ and put them on my boobs and ass. take in waist a little, move to boobs and ass. reshape upper arms, and as usual, send that excess over to boobs and ass. face. um. i liked how pointy my face looked when i weighed 120-125lbs. that’s the least i’ve weighed as an adult. seems like a lot for girls to weigh or something, i have some idea that most ‘pretty girls’ weigh 100-115. i weigh 140-145 now, probably. actually probably 135 now. highest weight was 167, in 2004. my thighs man. hehe. i think the french word for ‘ham’
is ‘jambon.’ in 2004 my thighs looked ‘jambon.’ bigger than ham. jambon. stereotypical female body rambling, how groundbreaking, jesus, where’s my applause…waiting on that encore…i’m an insatiable george clooney, waiting backstage for my well-deserved encore…
2:00PM: woke to emails. jordan is sick and having car problems, can’t come to baltimore today. felt sort of relieved via i seem to not be in a very good place, mentally, right now. also sad to not see him and sam. unsure if sam is still coming, assuming he’s not. jordan expressed understanding losing contact things that i had apologized for in my email, and i sympathized with his plight to do ‘can’t make it to the reading’ emails to people while feeling shitty today. have yet to respond.
2:15PM: poured cup of cold coffee. texted with colin. he used the phrase ‘i’ll create a sense of urgency’ re talking to the apartment committee people, who are slow to look at tenant applications. ‘create a sense of urgency.’ so funny, coming from colin. i would say that. ate around ten mini chocolate cadbury eggs and read note from dad that said ‘you are entitled to feel cranky’ and ‘i understand,’ re my note from last night where i apologized for acting cranky and rude, that when i don’t sleep i become sensitive to light and noise, and that my irritations were my fault, not his.
3:23PM: on bed, next to shirley. little puffy shirley. i’m sad about wandering howling alvie thumping around nervously, like he’s experiencing trauma all of the time. last night he kept looking at me like ‘i’ve lost my passport, please may i still board the plane?’ i am giving him extra long pets and saying ‘you special boy, you’re my very special alvie’ in gentle voice.
4:30PM: ate 60mg noopept, chewed a 30mg adderall with front teeth.
5:08PM: re-watched crying videos, emailed rion.
6:53PM: have been doing minimal computer things. think i need glasses. normal ‘looking at words’ face now involves squinting. typed ‘screaming’ instead of ‘squinting’ unconsciously. emailing jordan. headache has returned. ate another 30mg adderall. tolerance is shitty now. still haven’t showered. still unmotivated to do another B.D.O. thing. interested in full-body muscle atrophy, becoming some kind of cephalopod.
7:09PM: endeared by a youtube video for a chief keef song with 25 million views not having an ad.
8:03PM: finished third email response to jordan. feels really good to be talking to jordan again.
TIMES I HAVE LEFT AIR MATTRESS TODAY:
• to get coffee
• to get coffee refill and eat noopept
i saw myself in the mirror once, on the return-walk to air mattress room. reflection looked like ‘me: age 8,’ ‘me: age 40, heavily beaten,’ and �
��me: ageless me-looking ghost desperately trying to leave this body.’ wearing a pink hooded sweatshirt and shiny red pajama shorts.
9:28PM: called dad back. amicable phone call. he offered to bring home food again. neither of us ever know what to eat. he said he was considering arby’s because they seemed healthiest, among fast food choices, then described some of their sandwiches. he said ‘sliced turkey.’
9:48PM: treated myself to a nice tall glass of water with crushed ice from the ice-maker/dispenser fridge console. using glass from old apartment. fed cats. alvie is usually the most vocal about being fed and eats the least. he follows me closely while i open cans and i trip on him sometimes in a way that feels like ‘my feet get caught in alvie.’
9:52PM: in tao’s email he said he wanted to get divorced for taxes before april 15, but then i’m like. ‘does he just want to involve himself in the liveblog, he commented that thing about wanting to directly influence liveblog.’ i know that’s not it. i think. i think he’s being honest about taxes. but that would be funny. i would love it, i think, would delight in including it all the more, if he did it to directly influence/place situation in liveblog.
10:47PM: chewed maybe 17mg adderall with front teeth. ate 60mg noopept. i hate how pills/drugs taste at first but then i like it. cats heard noopept bag and ran to me, thinking it was their bag of ‘greenies’ treats, no doubt. i gave them treats. now we are all partying. bathroom light is no longer doing a strobe light effect, though. had to fix it. couldn’t take it anymore. out-partied by yet another bathroom light: the megan boyle story.
thought some version of this as i sealed noopept bag and distributed ‘greenies:’ for my next update i’ll need to say i looked at sam pink’s blog to see if he came to baltimore without jordan, saw no information about that, typed ‘yo is you in baltimore’ in a comment box, deleted, thought ‘no just email it,’ then ‘no, maybe…no…since you’ve already debated what to do it will take you forever to type in a way you don’t hate, plus you smell strongly like all the things that smell on you, plus you were afraid to buy food last night because it would’ve meant talking to another person, so maybe you are not exactly DJ funbags right now,’ then thought ‘if i type any of this on the liveblog it’s going to seem indirect or manipulative, but i’m not aware of wanting to manipulate anything. this would be indirect of me to include if contacting him was my goal, but i gave up on that temporarily, and talked about giving it up, so i’m not being indirect.’