by Megan Boyle
3:17pm: froze while trying to charm him with a story of how…oh no. So, he said it would be better money-wise if they just replaced the busted parts instead of selling me a refurbished used computer. He said ‘machine.’ I like it when computer people call computers ‘machines’ instead. Got a little turned on writing that, imagining the mind of a computer person, feeling insecure that computers aren’t as ‘machine-y’ as other machines like cars but they’re technically still machines. Seems sexy, frail. Frail and knowable. I would say ‘I’d like to see the machine’ when I pick up repaired computer, then he’d retrieve it from the back (I’d let him retrieve it to increase waiting time so there could be a bigger-feeling reward, because I too am looking out for his best value) then I’d take it from him and set it aside without breaking eye contact and say, ‘I’d like to see the other machine, the one in the back,’ moving closer and just…Jesus lol…grabbing his button-down where it meets the pants. Pulling it out. Right on the button line. I would be pulling from the button line, because it’s like a little handle. Zoom in for a close inspection of the freckle/mole face area. Check to see if that shit needs refurbishing. Refurbish the shit out of that face mole cluster thingy. I think it’s near his eye. Give him a nice hot quote on that mole cluster, try to get him a good deal, I’ll check online to make sure my deal is the best. Then I’ll call him on Monday, the full refurbishments will have to wait until Monday, because I want to make sure I have ordered and stocked the very best parts. The waiting will increase the reward, also.
Forgot I was trying to describe how I froze up around him. It was because of thinking something like that while he was in the back room, expecting he would return ‘less attractive.’ That face mole thingy though. Hoo. Some real Achilles’ heel type shit, me and face moles. IT’S LIKE HOW DO THEY EVEN GET THERE ON THE FACE, HOW COULD A FACE PRODUCE SUCH A MARVEL, HOW COULD IT KNOW TO GENERATE SUCH A PERFECTLY SHAPED USELESS THING IN THE MIDST OF THE HIGHEST CONCENTRATION OF SENSORY ORGANS ON THE BODY, HOW COULD IT LET THAT SLIP BY, SO OBVIOUS, JUST SITTING THERE LORDING IT UP DOING NOTHING BUT LOOKING SEXY AROUND ITS BITCH ASS OVERWORKED EYES AND NOSE AND MOUTH. I PROBABLY THINK MOLES ARE SEXY BECAUSE ON AN EVOLUTIONARY LEVEL IF I BREED WITH A FACE MOLE PRODUCING PERSON OUR OFFSPRING WILL HAVE MORE GENETIC VARIETY AND CERTAIN TRAITS OF MY DNA WILL LIVE ON FOREVER, I’M JUST THE PRODUCT OF MY ANCESTORS’ GENETIC SURVIVAL MACHINE, I’M TRYNA GET THIS MACHINE SERVICED WHICH IS FUNNY BECAUSE I’M ON MY WAY TO PICK UP MY BIRTH CONTROL REFILL RIGHT NOW ALSO DAMN HOPE MACMEDICS HOTTIE DOESN’T GOOGLE ME HEHEHEEHEHE
OR WAIT, I HOPE…
JUST DON’T TAKE ANY OF THIS TOO SERIOUSLY ED, IF YOU’RE READING. OR NO, TAKE IT HOWEVER YOU WANT. IF THIS CREEPS YOU OUT MAYBE THIS SHIT AIN’T MEANT TO BE. MOSTLY JUST, REALTALK: IF NOTHING ELSE JUST KNOW IT WAS NICE SHAKING YOUR HAND AND I AM NOT KIDDING ABOUT WANTING TO DO STUFF TO YOU IN THE BACK ROOM, P.S. SPEAKING OF BACK ROOMS, IF YOU PERUSE MY HARD DRIVE, THAT PORN IS ALL MY EX-BOYFRIEND’S BUT I’M OPEN TO WHATEVER BUT PROBABLY NOT THE FIRST TIME, BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW, JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU AN ACCURATE GAUGE OF MY FREAKINESS, HARD DRIVE DOES NOT ACCURATELY REPRESENT MY RELATIVELY PASSIVE AND BROAD AND ACTUALLY KIND OF BORINGLY STRAIGHTFORWARD INTEREST IN SEX
NOW NO MATTER WHAT IT WILL CERTAINLY BE MORE INTERESTING TO PICK UP MY MACHINE ON MONDAY OR WHENEVER ONE OF YOU FINE TECHNICIANS CALL ME
I’M A NICE PERSON SORRY IF YOU FEEL OBJECTIFIED
I HAVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY SATISFIED WITH THE QUALITY OF SERVICE PROVIDED TO ME AT MACMEDICS
FOR THE RECORD
4:44pm: sitting in waiting area of rite aid pharmacy. It’s going to be a half an hour.
4:46pm: is it okay to just consume any product sold in rite aid, while you wait in the store? You stay there for like eight hours. You gotta pay at the end, no getting around that bullshit. Can’t you do that?
4:48pm: person chewing gum near me is giving me ASMR head tingles with her gum-chewing noises. A little worried to look and find out we know each other. Then the magic tingles would be gone. Never works with someone you know. ‘raspberry beret’ by prince is playing.
4:53pm: pharmacist asked me my last name, then asked gum chewing friend, her name was the ‘correct’ last name, I don’t think I know her but went out of my way to avoid eye contact just in case.
5:15pm: sitting in fucking parking lot. Man in ‘OBEY’ brand tank top walked by. ‘OBEY’ did a good job because when you wear it you’re also doing exactly what they tell you to do.
5:28pm: navy blue toyota corolla passed me as I thought ‘Asians are misrepresented’
5:34pm: it makes more sense to call any time the sun is out ‘a.m.’ I’m tired of this m83 twee ass bullshit song.
6:49PM: have been ranting with mom about ‘the gaul’ of doctors and dentists ‘presuming to act like they know something.’ talked about ‘like life,’ lorrie moore short story. ate a concerta 36mg in preparation for first installment of a video interview to be done in installments over course of liveblog that will be on electric literature ‘the outlet’ blog. blogblogblog. said ‘isn’t it weird that your teeth stop growing’ mid-rant to mom and she said ‘yes! yes that is extremely weird!’ like it was an additional injustice…or something…lol…
7–8:40PM: talked with juliet escoria on skype. we had met before, at the KGB reading. she reminds me a lot of someone else though, i sort of remembered meeting her there but mostly remembered her from having one of those ‘eerily familiar faces’ i can never quite place (in an interesting way). didn’t tell her this. felt myself holding back re some things…drug things…damn, i’m doing it now too…she asked me a question about if i really said everything on the liveblog/didn’t withhold anything, like i said i would, and i’ve been thinking i should stop withholding. have been milling this shit over.
the official interview part was short/business-like but then we talked about other things, covered a lot of things. boogers…seemed to get on a good thing with boogers: we’ve tried them and don’t like them, one time a broccoli head came out my nose when i vomited, she has a friend who vomits so loud it sounds like a scream, i said she should rap while screaming through vomit, juliet vomits once every two weeks due to medication and coffee and is filming vomit…feeling giddy remembering the ‘nasty parts’ of talk…bad little boy parts…boogers…she talked about blue and orange boogers and said you can’t snort addy balls, then a few minutes later i interrupted an unrelated topic to say ‘someone just snorts the adderall xr, the whole pill, and then after that they snort everything, all food.’ she said something about how that wouldn’t work, then something that made me picture raw beef in a tube. she has a friend who farts a lot and they might move in together. one time juliet ordered a pizza alone at a bar but the bar sold pizza, i thought she meant she ordered domino’s. she and the fart friend made up ‘folo’ which is like ‘yolo’ but it means ‘forever alone.’
favorite moment: finding out that when she walks down stairs she imagines falling and something violent happening to her teeth. i imagine falling and my shins going up through my knees. also liked talking about how beavers and horses seem fucked up and a lot of things seem fucked up.
my ‘big fumble:’ juliet expressed worry about her pen name. i said she should make a new pen name called ‘megan boyle,’ then rammed this thing home big time about…how she should not post the video interview we were doing at all, instead post an oprah episode as ‘megan boyle interviewing megan boyle.’ think she understood but repeated ‘AN ACTUAL OPRAH EPISODE’ as i indulged in my cute idea more than listened to her understanding the idea and maybe wanting to move on. big fumble.
8:90PM: i was going to write ‘8:90’…i went through with it, as you can see…
10:25PM: after the interview i went to mom’s room. she was watching a documentary about a special kind of horse. i said ‘am i interrupting?’ mom seemed oddly eager to have me watch. i said ‘juliet said horses look fucked up, they have googly eyes.’ mom said ‘their eyes are like that because they’re preyed on, by wolves, they
are preyed on.’ i did a ‘leg noogie’ to her and said ‘what? they do look weird.’ she said ‘well it’s just that they’re only my favorite animal of all time. and these, these are the littinger stallions, they start out gray like this but then they get big and white—this one is four years old, so he’s still gray, there’s a process—oh i think you’ll hate it but will you just watch?’ i leaned against the bedpost. i said ‘they look like that one actor, with dark stuff in the front of his face. who is he?’ mom said ‘javier bardem?’ i said ‘no he’s more of a character actor. i think he’s italian.’ the horses were made to perform…they do this…it’s called ‘dressage,’ i knew about it before this also but i don’t remember seeing it. mom said ‘there are only seventy horses in the world like this. they were all picked. and now they’re in austria, performing, will you just stay and watch for a minute with me, it’s so beautiful.’ there were hardly any people in the horse arena. it looked old, people were wearing old time-y clothes. the horses had been specially trained to walk funny and kick ‘battle style,’ where all of their hooves leave the ground at once. the camera showed this happening in slow motion, the battle style kick. the voice said ‘[name of horse] has worked up enough rage’ and there was white foam coming out of its mouth. mom said ‘it’s how they would fight, in wars, when the horses were also weapons. they treat them very well, they really do, i wouldn’t like it if they didn’t treat the horses well.’ then there was a shot of a person in old time-y clothes approaching a stable. the voiceover said something about how the mare in the stable was about to give birth. the belly was so big. i said ‘i can’t watch anymore, i don’t want to see horse eggs.’ mom laughed and said ‘horse eggs, oh no’ as i walked back to bedroom.
there was this part where it’s just a close-up of undulating horse feet…was laughing so hard there were tears…
looked at videos on a person’s youtube channel i was brought to by another person’s baboon invasion video. the first invasion is a lot calmer than the other one.
11:00PM: watching ‘tweaking on meth in walmart’ videos on youtube. i wanted them to keep going. seems like a beckett play. beckett’s lost magnum opus. he figured out time travel and he took two actors with him and they filmed this time travel piece together. then they invented meth, the three of them, and planted it somewhere for us to find in the future. that’s how we have meth. ‘tweaking on meth in walmart’ videos were recommended to me because of things about dressage horses and other drug things, i think. youtube thinks i want to watch stuff move differently.
11:18PM: i feel significantly stupider than when i woke. actually wait, i woke in new york last. i forget. people like to watch ‘tweaking on meth in walmart’ videos to make fun of the meth people or walmart culture or something. seems stupid, i would spit in the face of someone who watches to laugh at the people. pictured spitting into a comment and it hitting the person and my scalp got tingly with ire. tingly dressage horse ire, working up my rage.
11:21PM: GOING TO EAT SOMETHING NOW AND THEN SLEEP FOR THE NIGHT SO I CAN HAVE ENERGY TO GET BOXES OF CLOTHES/BOOKS FROM STORAGE UNIT, DRIVE BACK TO NYC, GET KITTY LITTER AND FOOD, WORK ON STORY, RESPOND TO THINGS. ALL BY TOMORROW NIGHT. OR ELSE.
11:54PM: for the past hour there have been cashew chunks lodged between my nose and somewhere in the back of my throat. ‘somewhere in the back of my throat’ = first draft title of ‘somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond’ by e.e. cummings.
i only know about that poem because of ‘hannah and her sisters,’ which is semi-famous for being responsible for letting people know about ‘the easter parade,’ but i think i just found ‘the easter parade’ online and didn’t notice it in the movie.
it’s crazy how much shit there is like that floating around in my head and a lot of that shit will never have words.
here is another example of one of those things, this one almost vanished into the ether: have noticed mom has hung most of her framed pictures low. i like mine to be high. it feels safer when things are above me.
MAY 2, 2013
2:36PM: slept 2AM-5AM, 7AM-2PM. ate 5mg xanax, two macaroons, three ‘pecan meltaways,’ glass of ‘right from the cow’ milk. drinking coffee. last night i ate an everything bagel with cream cheese, half a pit of hagen daz coffee ice cream, bites of other carby shit, cookies. watched youtube things about the universe and ASMR videos. currently sitting cross-legged in bed, texting with colin. there is a problem or something. he gave me the wrong name of the owner and i called the owner but his nephew picked up but said the name is fine.
4:50PM: assembled package for matthew donahoo. 5mg opana feels similar to heroin but feel more awake and euphoric/optimistic.
started reading old livejournal, notdownwithopp.livejournal.com. sweet as hell. memories. big time. forgot being so happy subletting then living with two friends for a few months in 2008. i just made everything public without looking.
STUFF I WILL DO NOW:
• buying e-cigarette from walgreens
• getting key to storage unit from dad
• putting boxes from storage unit into car
• buying kitty litter kitty food
• returning to NYC
5:20pm: Judd apatow guy next to me at stop light is listening to death cab for cutie-like song with lyrics ‘when there’s a burning in your heart and you feel like it’ll fall apart.’ His windows are down. I don’t know why I’m mad at him. He has a bike rack and a plaid shirt and is driving an oddly new Volvo.
5:22pm: opana feels like that feeling when you first get to the pool and you’re looking for where to put your towel and there are all of these people sitting in plastic chairs under umbrellas. Like ‘why not here?’
5:40pm: bought shitshow from Walgreens: neuro sonic, neuro passion, white monster zero drunk, sparkling water, e-cigarette. There was trouble with my card and a big line formed. I said ‘oh great right when there’s a lot of people, right?’ and ‘sorry about this,’ cashier seemed appreciative.
6:27pm: e-cigarette smoke tastes good, doesn’t hurt throat. Seems futuristic. Opana wore off fast, want more. Showed dad e-cigarette and he showed me his new offices. In good mood. Dad and I bowed to each other when I left.
7:31pm: loaded things from storage closet to car. Found old ‘tv shows’ I made when I was little, other VHS movies, emotional t-shirts. Bringing all that shit. Excited for VHS player. Eating another opana to treat my ass. Trying cherry flavor e-cigarette. Listening to less than jake. Thought ‘I’m a shimby shooshoo. Shoofly, hm!’
7:50pm: I could be a spokeswoman for e-cigarettes, feel so positive about them. Favorite new toy.
8:28pm: petsmart employee ‘Regina’ helped me pick out cat food. Her phone alarm went off when she was selling me on this walnut-based kitty litter, saying ‘I love my job so much I need to set an alarm for when I leave. I mean I wouldn’t leave mid conversation with you, I just love helping people with pets.’ she had a dog and two cats but no kids. I liked talking to her a lot. She asked me to keep her posted. The people who rang me up were also good. Man near the bag area asked me a few times if I wanted a cart. I said no. He wasn’t wearing a petsmart uniform. The woman non-committally asked about my tattoos and said she doesn’t like needles. I said ‘it’s different than needles, kind of’ and the man said ‘he really doesn’t like getting his nails clipped.’ I looked where he was looking, at two dogs on tables behind a glass wall.
8:35pm: thinking about Regina. My car battery definitely seems…there is a problem
9:04pm: feel like treating myself to Chicfila for no reason. Reason-free treating. Shit hell yeah just saw a sign.
9:14pm: in chicfila drive thru. Chicfila is located in white marsh, in an industrial park/‘chain store wasteland.’ Think every chain store is represented here. Staring at menu now. Almost went to panera but worried about parking w/weird battery thing going on. I’m…yes, I have decided I am going ‘grilled’ tonight. Grilled chicken club meal. Mouth watering
9:18pm: dri
ve thru said ‘will that complete your order’ and I forgot if I had said a diet coke, then if I had ordered at all. Speaker said ‘Elena will help you at the window.’ Thought ‘okay I’m rolling with this, I’m rolling with this’
9:20pm: Elena asked if I wanted sauce. She said ‘we’re just waiting on your sandwich.’ I said ‘okie doke.’ she said ‘hey what new salad dressing is the best?’ Male voice said ‘I like ranch.’ she said ‘really? I don’t like ranch.’ Jealous of people’s jobs at petsmart and chicfila tonight. Driving now.
9:47pm: hard to manage dipping sauces while driving. I was short-shafted on fries. Sandwich was ‘misty,’ like how they spray vegetables with that automatic mist thing at grocery stores. Misty chargrilled chicken club deluxe. Medium-dark green lettuce. When it was gone I wanted more.
9:53pm: had 30-60 second-long thought process thing about the interview with Juliet last night that concluded ‘don’t share right now.’
10:33pm: imagined creating ‘beach blanket bingo death party’ Facebook event, inviting everyone I like to my new apartment for a pre-death funeral celebration, like on the event page it says I plan to overdose and die that night. Nice way to go out.
11:45pm: car brightened from highbeams behind me. It was a Chiquita banana truck.
11:53pm: intense craving for unidentifiable food.
11:59pm: want a Cinnabon. Orange sign by Grover Cleveland service center says ‘fuel only no fuel services.’
MAY 3, 2013
12:03am: while feeling around for birth control I touched cat food and thought ‘should I eat this.’
12:05am: dealt with ‘modest—all things considered—sparkling water spill.’ blew nose into hand even though I have napkins.
12:11am: ‘hotcha girls’ by ugly Casanova is playing. Love this song. Longtime big love. ‘don’t you know that old folks homes smell so much like my own.’
12:13am: damn almost out of gas. Juliet emailed that it felt weird to read about our conversation from my perspective. OH NO TAKE THIS JULIET, NOW IM WRITING ABOUT YOUR EMAIL OH NO, IM MAKING YOU TAKE YOUR MEDICINE, I AM JACK IN THE SHINING AND YOU ARE DANNY NOW COME OUT HERE BOY AND TAKE YOUR GODDAMNED MEDICINE