by Megan Boyle
4:42pm: have been texting/tweeting/using phone irresponsibly during ride home. Construction worker wagged his finger disapprovingly and said ‘no no.’ Someone named Kristie from baltimore who I have texted with re liveblog responded to my tweet request for adderall and has come to my rescue and is on a megabus to NYC now. She’s not coming just to give me adderall.
5:33pm: cleaned cat box and fed them and swept and swiffered fast, mom is lost in rush hour and said it would make sense for me to drive to brooklyn do adderall/book + xanax exchange, ‘eternally thankful’ to Kristie (lied to mom in that i said i was only giving kristie a book/not exchanging drugs)
6:28pm: met and did addy/Xanax exchange with nice ass Kristie twitter person who apologized for being drunk and didn’t seem drunk. She is visiting her boyfriend in a pretty part of Brooklyn.
6:46pm: in traffic. No new emails.
6:59pm: mom called with address. Have been typing Zachary, feels like ‘bankruptcy.’ Filing for emotional bankruptcy.
7:14pm: I’m glad mom is here. I’m going to see mom.
7:32pm: this area looks bleak. Looking forward to rescuing mom.
7:36pm: parked in motel parking lot, by picnic table in front of a mass of Verizon trucks.
7:52pm: in mom’s hotel room, talked about her trip sitting on her bed. She said she gave a guy a tip for helping with her bags, then later the hotel manager helped with something and she tried to tip her and she said ‘are you the lady who gave bill a tip?’ mom said she was. The lady said ‘that made his night, no one tips here.’ Mom said something about stopping for directions at a rite aid with an employee ‘you would just fall in love with, I know it.’ A garbage truck stopped to help her in traffic and she fell in love with him too. I said she had a harem. she said ‘i like to call them my ‘swains” in a British accent. Figured out dinner plans. We’re going to sel de mer. She said ‘is it okay of I wear glasses?’ I said ‘of course mom.’ She said ‘the other night I asked that to dad, if he thought it was okay if I wore glasses,’ laughing like ‘oh boy this is silly of me.’
8:03pm: mom walked into hotel bedroom from bathroom, saying ‘I could just go like this, goddamnit,’ laughing.
10:07pm: drove to williamsburg. Showed mom Tao’s apartment I sublet in November 2011. Showed her where Zachary lived with Tao when I met them in 2009. Discreetly ate 1mg Xanax while exiting car, aware of being near apartment Zachary is probably inside now. Told mom Tao and I would buy kombucha and sometimes chipotle powder from a deli near sel de mer and the head waitress said something once about how we brought kombucha and didn’t order alcohol, like she ‘knew’ us as ‘people who order lobster and don’t talk and bring in their own spices and drinks.’ Mom said ‘why would you always get lobster?’ I said ‘it was just good…really good…it was like eighteen dollars.’ Mom said ‘the green apple deli, now I know ‘the green apple deli.” I said ‘the sign looks new, I don’t think it used to have a name.’ Waiter at sel de mer seated us at table close to door. Mom got up to use the bathroom. Waiter said ‘and just so you know, we’re out of [hard to understand] tonight.’ I said ‘you’re out of what?’ he repeated it. I nodded and said ‘oh okay, thank you.’ He walked away.
10:18pm: mom walked back from bathroom, smiling embarrassedly and rolling her eyes. I said ‘was there a line?’ She sat and said ‘well, you know, I don’t know. There was something going on with the door, so maybe someone was inside? I think I’ll just try again later.’
I said ‘I couldn’t hear what the waiter said they were out of—he said they were out of something. I think they’re out of lobster, maybe.’ Mom said ‘oh no, I’ll ask him to say it again when he comes back.’ I said ‘no no no, no, I think they’re just all out, I think there’s just no lobster maybe. It’s fine, I’ll get another thing.’ Mom said ‘maybe he’ll say it again and we won’t have to ask.’ I said ‘we can dream.’ Mom said ‘they can’t stop us from dreaming.’
Waiter returned, told mom they’re out of the thing. Mom said ‘what was that?’ he repeated. Mom looked at me action movie-style, like ‘should I proceed,’ I shook head ‘no,’ mom smiled at waiter and said ‘thank you.’ He said he’d come back in a few minutes. I said ‘it seems like there’s no lobster.’ Mom squinted and said ‘it would seem that way, wouldn’t it,’ nodding conspiratorily. Mom said ‘oh honey, it’s just so nice to be here with you, I’m so happy we’re here.’
Mom said ‘I think I’ll have a glass of the sove-in-yon blonck.’
Ordered kale salad, clam chowder, scallops. Mom ordered beet salad and trout. She said ‘is the trout especially good’ after ordering. Told her Tao and I would usually sit at the bar and she said ‘he was usually heavily on something right?’ I said ‘no, we’d just both be on Xanax.’ she said ‘I thought there was a time he was really misbehaving, being on something and telling you what to do, right?’ I said ‘I don’t think so.’ Thought she was referring to a time he was vomiting on heroin, and I was insisting he drink water and we argued and I came home early.
10:21pm: they brought us bread. Remembered how Tao and I would refuse bread. Didn’t say anything.
10:22–11:[something]PM:
• mom liked the food a lot and said things about how cheap it was for what it was
• told mom the last time i was here was when tao and i had ‘let’s tell people we’re separated, officially’ conversation. she said ‘oh dear.’ i wanted to reassure her it was fine, i was just noticing something i had forgotten, but i was unable to put it to words other than ‘it was really okay’ or ‘we were sitting at the bar’
• drank two glasses of wine each, remember mom pouring remainder of her first glass into second glass and thinking ‘mom knows how to do it’
• mom said something about liking the music and asked me if i liked it. think i said it was okay but too loud. she told the waiter she liked the music but thought he was probably tired of it. he said the music changed every night and it was okay
• remember mom’s face smiling a lot and both of us saying stuff about the food
• remember asking what was going to happen with her and dad
• started to feel pressure to…something…like at some point it seemed like mom was happier than me and i had to ‘keep up’ with saying cheerful things. i told her that and she said she didn’t want me to feel pressure at all, she was just happy to be there, she thought she understood the thing i was feeling. i could picture ‘happier ‘me:’ across from mom in five to ten minutes,’ but for some reason the possibility of that was shrinking with each thing said. mom said ‘do you feel like you have to be fake right now?’ i said ‘a little, i feel like i’m not being good company and like i wish i was better to be around.’ she said something about how she didn’t want me to feel pressured to act cheerful, something about how she remembered how before her brother died it started to feel like every time they saw each other they were each being ‘fake’ and she didn’t want me to feel that. i knew/remembered the thing about her brother. i apologized and said i didn’t want to be acting fake-cheerful and would act normal. mom said something compassionately about how there was no need for me to apologize for anything. i didn’t know what to say. felt guilty and embarrassed for turning dinner conversation into ‘this,’ a situation where it was hard to know what to say, or that what i wanted to say was ‘i’m sorry for apologizing.’ remember a period shortly after this where i felt completely blank, like i didn’t know what to say or if i was even sad or happy or anything, and that i wished i hadn’t eaten xanax
• waiter said it was okay we were staying late and they close at midnight
• mom ordered coffee and lemon meringue pie that we ate with spoons while talking about the waiter’s sexuality and hard-to-understand voice and not many people were there and it felt good
• mom said things about how nice sel de mer was and that the bathroom was decorated and that she appreciates things like this more as she’s gotten older and that someday i would feel hap
pier and maybe like i appreciated things like that too, then ‘but you don’t have to, i know you’ll find something though’
11:[something]–11:59PM: drove mom back to the motel. she said things about how it seems hard to drive or know where you’re going in NYC and i agreed. think i continued apologizing for not being ‘better company’ and reassuring i would be tomorrow. hugged mom and thanked her for dinner. didn’t want to leave or drive home.
MAY 23, 2013
12:26am: driving to apartment.
6:57am: didn’t sleep, have been responding to ask.fm questions.
11:00am: woke. Called mom. Said I’d sleep but responded to more questions. Put goodies in Masha package. Ate Ritalin drank red bull.
2:20pm: Bleak puppy store by costco
4:55pm: peeing at ikea mom asked to take in cart, tense ride re he I o exote nd I felt bad
Maggie I’ll meet you outside a woman was cleaning at the same time now I’m waiting
7:17pm: gramma leg thing by bed
Tennesee Williams glass leg megagerie
Pile of dirt make a wish
I realize that (toothpick)
It was cuter (shirt said ‘help me’)
Denzel (I can’t look you in the eye)
7:25pm: ‘already ate ribs but I have them’ Horsemeat (I didn’t like it as much the n) (they didn’t use good enough horse) ‘I’ll be outside mom I’ll be outside thinking about what I’ve done’
11:03pm: its the quilt I have to bear (about gray quilt)
MAY 24, 2013
12:04AM: called mom and talked while walking to apartment. passed dumpster with ‘LATIN AMERICAN’ sign. a car slowed and stopped about halfway, then reversed and parked on sidewalk.
2:05AM: ate 1mg xanax. read ‘taipei’ and looked at internet.
4:04AM: i was watching a video of a man with shoulder-length hair whispering to a younger man. they were in my apartment, near the door. the video looked filmed maybe from the kitchen counter, with my mattress and sleeping body mostly outside the frame. i wasn’t supposed to be seeing this. i knew i could only see because i wasn’t awake. that was the problem the men had paused filming to discuss. i wasn’t supposed to be awake. the men were the evil behind ASMR. they had embedded themselves inside some kind of subliminal code that tracks brains that respond to it with ASMR tingles. when you feel tingles it’s the men inside your head, filming themselves doing whatever they were about to do to me. i knew they knew i was watching because they started talking in code. remembered an unfilmed portion of the video, where they had been closer to my head. woke scared, to earphones in ears and ASMR video playing on youtube.
ate 1mg xanax and heated tortilla on stove and ate while heating a second tortilla, ‘without thinking.’
looked out window at fire escape. anyone could get in through the fire escape. selected ‘sharpest knife’ from drawer. restrained from taking all knives, thinking ‘it will be better in the morning, to see i didn’t need all the knives.’ held ‘sharpest knife’ on guard, while walking to retrieve keys from hook by the door where the men had been. checked locks.
placed ‘sharpest knife,’ keys, and phone under pillow. internet/computer seemed unsafe. but i also knew if someone had been watching and waiting for a good time to kill me all night and had maybe nodded off, closing the computer would cause the light to change, and if something changed in the killer’s peripheral vision, their attention would be drawn to the light source, and if they saw me closing a computer at 4AM it probably meant i would soon be asleep and more available to kill.
thought ‘you’re already in trouble if they saw the light change, but they’ve probably been watching everything, they saw you put the knife under your pillow.’
looked at internet, thinking ‘they know you’re putting on a show. they know you know their plan.’ looked with increasing difficulty, thinking ‘it’s okay to sleep, that’s why you ate xanax. if the killer wants to do it they just will, you can’t stop them.’
10:55AM: i was wearing baggy gray jail clothes, walking near my old apartment in baltimore. this was my day off from jail. the sun was bright. people on the street were stopping to squint at the sky and i did too. letters were appearing as clouds that eventually spelled ‘CHELSEA I LOVE YOU’ and an inside joke. the clouds fell gracefully, retaining their shapes until they hit the tops of buildings. when the last cloud fell it was quiet, like everyone thought they were they only person thinking ‘was that really the last one,’ then started cheering and hugging. it felt like this would be considered ‘a national event’ someday. then i was in a diner sitting next to chelsea’s boyfriend. we were surprised to see each other and joked a little. i asked if he saw the chelsea sky messages. he said he had organized it and talked excitedly about the skywriting service and chelsea. i said ‘i love her too’ and felt a dense sadness, like one molecule had been added to all my cells. he asked why i was wearing jail clothes. i had forgotten. neither of us knew what to say. i said ‘tell chelsea i love her. i love you too. i love that you did the airplane thing.’ walked to a garage/yard not far from the diner. stood in line with other people in jail clothes, waiting for our turns to go inside a trailer. i knew i would have to have sex with whoever was inside. woke crying/‘choking.’
11:13AM: woke to alarm. called mom. made plans to get pizza before she leaves today. had idea for ‘taipei’ facebook photo album. put ‘taipei’ on my face and took picture. held ‘taipei’ upside-down and took picture. took pictures of cats with ‘taipei,’ picture of ‘taipei’ hanging out of VCR with asian newscaster on TV. fed cats.
11:59AM: mom called to cancel pizza due to driving anxiety. i said ‘that’s okay, i want to be productive today and pizza would slow me down.’ pajama shorts slid down legs and i let them hit the floor when i got to my closet.
12:16PM: mom called to say she’s outside apartment building. brushed teeth.
8:03PM: updates from today got deleted. there isn’t enough time but then there is all this time. i’ve just been sitting here and it still feels like not enough time.
8:33PM: fed cats. discovered biting technique for hands-free e-cigarette smoking.
8:41PM: all it’s going to be for the rest of my life is a series of ‘right nows.’
8:44PM: alvie vomited wet food in bowl. he did this yesterday too. in the bowl, both times.
9:00PM: scanned email from dad containing ‘I hope this makes sense…’
9:43PM: i was optimistic in maryland. i was going to join the navy. then NASA. not so long ago. jesus. how. what else could i do. so much time.
10:27PM: slipped and spilled most of ‘monster’ energy drink on leg, bed, trackpad/keyboard. cursor isn’t responding to fingers.
11:03PM: stood in bathroom and blew cold air from hairdryer on trackpad. felt like part of the montage in ‘gattaca’ where it shows vacuuming cells from his keyboard so no one would know he wasn’t genetically qualified to be an astronaut.
11:41PM: mom calling.
MAY 25, 2013
2:55AM: first it was okay then there was an argument and then other arguments based on the arguments and so bad of me and stupid and crying and hating me and i can’t talk about it well and couldn’t on phone either except i think at the end it was okay, i don’t want or am unable to say more now, i think it’s okay to not type details, it would feel bad right now no matter what i say or type or even if i talk to mom, i love mom, i’m crying now again only alone now
4:45AM: have been answering antagonistic ask.fm questions antagonistically.
6:41AM: ate 3mg xanax, hummus/avocado tortillas.
12:07PM: woke. felt dread. laid and sometimes opened eyes. searched ‘beth’ in zachary’s facebook friend list. one ‘beth.’ looked at pictures. there will be a ticket on my car, probably. i forgot to move again. plan of action: eat as much xanax and food as you want today, just be absent today.
1:26PM: mom called. good to hear her laugh and be mom again. she said ‘just promise to do one thing for me, will you? just sev
enteen seconds long, one thing that makes you happy, will you? just think about something good for seventeen seconds?’ remembered talking about her ex-husband at dinner the other night, who she married when she was 20 or 21 and pregnant with my sister. pictured her in my apartment.
she asked about reading the liveblog and i said ‘the only reason i felt apprehensive about you reading it earlier is that i talked about doing heroin and i thought you’d be worried.’ she said ‘oh no, oh honey i am worried, i don’t want you to do that, i don’t want to think about you doing things that make you feel worse.’ i said ‘i don’t shoot it’ and ‘people are prescribed opiates’ and ‘i don’t like it that much, it’s just all the guy had that night’ and other, in hindsight, boldly untrue things. she said ‘i don’t want you to end up being a bag lady on the streets of new york city.’ i said ‘me neither, i won’t, i don’t even have many bags.’
she and dad are shopping for furniture. she said she was in gastric distress from something we ate this weekend. i said it was probably the ikea ribs. she said ‘that’s right, they could’ve been ‘horse.” i said ‘miniature pony ribs. they take them from little miniature ponies, i heard.’ she said ‘well it could’ve been ikea, but i think it’s that what i did on the way home—i went to the first rest stop on the new jersey turnpike, which you probably know, it’s so huge and you can buy all of this stuff there, even perfume and, oh, i don’t know, sunglasses [laughlaugh]. well i made the mistake of seeing this nathan’s, and they had this special where you could buy two hotdogs wrapped in pretzels, and it was next to a cinnabon, and then these giant auntie anne’s pretzels, and oh…you know at the mall? when you buy them at the mall they taste good? well it was like they extracted it from that, it tasted so fake. not even real food. it didn’t even taste like real food.’ i said ‘food like that shouldn’t count towards weight gain because it’s not even like food. it’s like, a remote. if you ate a remote. or like, a lighter.’ she said ‘i know!’