by Megan Boyle
was almost 100% certain today’s 12:05AM update would be my last update ever, but look at ol’ grandpappy sheets.
i like people who know about ‘sheetz.’
i don’t like that the thing on top of me is called a ‘comforter.’ is a down comforter a ‘DTC’…like ‘DTF’…down to fuck…down to comfort…‘DTC’ looks like when people have monogrammed shirts where the middle initial space is actually filled by their last name initial (sounds crazy but it’s true, my dad has those shirts), and normally their intials spell out ‘CUM’ or ‘DOG’ or ‘VAN’ but now that they have this new kind of reorganized monogrammed shirt their initials look like ‘CMU’ or ‘DGO’ or ‘VNA.’ why does my dad buy those shirts though.
JULY 5, 2013
5:50PM: [omitted] made .gif of me at beach
JULY 6, 2013
did not update.
JULY 7, 2013
12:00AM-11:00PM: did not update.
11:03PM: dinner at bar corvo: i said something about feeling good when i’m improving with a person, he agreed, i said ‘i like to make lists,’ he said ‘i noticed’ and laughed, i said the thing about tao and me working together for like four hours and setting a timer kind of, he said something re ‘i don’t want to do what you and anyone else did,’ i said ‘i also kissed tao and other people and i kiss you and i like kissing you so…’ in playful voice. he got a pasta goat cheese dish and i got amish roasted chicken and didn’t eat it all and he ate some of mine. he said his weight at some point. i said ‘that’s why i started yoga a few weeks, i thought i was gaining a few pounds and wanted to look good,’ he said something under breath/interrupting like ‘i didn’t notice,’ i said ‘i notice more.’ he said something around this point like ‘i’ve been in relationships where i just forget and both people gain weight,’ i said ‘me too, i don’t want to do that,’ and food or drinks were placed in front of us. he expressed worry about being indulgent with me with drugs/alcohol/food/not sleeping/sleeping a lot but that those things were fun.
something about ice cream…weight…mentioning weight on the way to the italian place.
smoking cigarette
sex: starts on couch, ends in here
remember laying on bed recently and him saying ‘your character [in ‘taipei’] mentions weight.’
JULY 8, 2013
12:03AM: [omitted] naked opposite me in bed. i am wearing his shorts and blue t-shirt with holes. talked maybe 10-15mins. at 12:30 i am eating ambien and he is eating benedryl. at 12:50 if hard to sleep we look at internet. he said ‘don’t write this down.’ i said ‘okay.’ i said ‘i like to wear headphones when i work on things.’ he said ‘okay.’ offered me a pillow and i said ‘yeah yeah.’
12:26AM: he asked where i got ‘moose.’ i started calling him ‘moose’ in text messages. stretched and said ‘huh? moose. i don’t know, i just thought ‘moose.” he motioned for e-cigarette. i said ‘it tastes different now, see? more electric. you’ll see.’ he grabbed my toe and laughed. i said ‘you just…suckle on that one. that one is yours.’ he made a ‘suckle face.’ i said ‘just the tip.’ he said ‘the tip is the most intense part.’ i said ‘just the tip, just to see how it feels.’ he said something about the tip. i said ‘just the tip, for a minute.’ he grabbed my toe again. we understand the joke.
12:33AM: wonder if he knows i’m typing this. going to focus on poem i’ve been solicited to write, for ‘parlor.’
12:43AM: i didn’t focus on poem.
12:11pm: moved car to underhill and sterling or prospect. another amben
3:38pm: hit snooze a few times. ate 30mg adderall. Woke last night to eat small amounts of ambien and Xanax. Bought and ate pint of red velvet cake ice cream, kombucha, sugar-free red bull sometime after moving car. He told me to sleep as long as I want but ‘not too late.’
6:15pm: Pooped. Made [omitted]’s bed. Dad called but my phone is still broken and [omitted] doesn’t have internet. Put pencils under crying paper towel monster I drew with a caption that said ‘this is the last one…i promise…’ brushed teeth. Refined paper towel drawing. Added more objects to pencils in its stomach.
Phone was dead by the time I reached area where I thought car was. Drank remaining half of kombucha and threw away. Found car on underhill by prospect ave. Sat in car with a.c. on to charge phone. Thoroughly cleaned car using ‘say yes! To cucumbers’ face towels. Cleaned tote bag so no more sand can damage electronics. Think my phone has suffered sand/beach damage. ‘kid a’ by radiohead played twice. [omitted] found it last night in binder of CDs from 2003-2005. The cleaning job is obscene. Clean ass honda.
Ordered large green juice from juice place. The guy said ‘lemon?’ I said ‘yeah, le-mon’ like Gucci mane. An infomercial was playing. A fatherly yet-likely-childless man in his mid-forties explained ‘food isn’t supposed to taste good, if it tastes good it’s probably bad for you’ while holding a brown square.
An older man with a washcloth under a bucket hat and a larger towel over his shoulder said something to people near me. He asked me about ‘beating the heat’ and said something like ‘oh you got an energy drink, I got mine earlier.’ I said ‘you’re smart, you have towels.’ he seemed confused. I said ‘under your hat, you got a washcloth, good idea.’ he said ‘oh yeah! Heat come out your head.’ I said ‘I know, that’s where it comes out first, my head is like, ahhhh’ and patted my head, grinning. He paused in a…the pause seemed ‘grave’ or uncomfortable. He said ‘yeah, well.’ he said ‘you could do it too.’ I said ‘what, a towel on my head?’ he said ‘yeah! Why not.’ I said ‘yeah. Yeah I guess, yeah why not. Yeah like, a sweatband. A sweatband’ and motioned where the sweatband would go around my head. ‘sporty,’ I said. He said ‘there you go.’ he was kind of following behind me the whole time and turned to the left, behind me, holding keys. He said ‘alright m’am, you have a beautiful eve’nin.’ I said ‘you too’ and waved meekly, knowing he couldn’t see.
Passed a little boy on a bike passing man on a long custom-looking low rider bike. The kid said ‘you need a bigger bike!’ the low-rider man said ‘me?’ the kid passed. I said ‘I like it. Low-rider. You got a low-rider.’ he laughed like ‘heh-heeee-hee-heh-haaaa.’
8:23PM: at library now. emailed with matthew donahoo and sarah. started working on poem for ‘parlor.’
8:24-11:59PM: did not update.
JULY 9 – 14, 2013
did not update.
JULY 15, 2013
4:55PM: at brooklyn public library. i’ve been feeling like liveblog is overtaking my life in a negative way and is a source of anxiety and counter-productivity. mostly i feel a self-imposed sense of obligation to update and because of that i think i’m losing interest. what i just typed reminds me of a dynamic i’ve experienced in failing romantic relationships. i don’t want to say ‘i’m stopping forever’ or ‘i’m going to continue doing this forever,’ i don’t know what i want right now. will update august 1, 2013.
AUGUST 1, 2013
6:52AM: TRANSCRIPTION OF VIDEO UPDATE:
this is my third try at doing this ‘cause i keep on…ending up rambling. today’s august first, i said i’d—i would update the liveblog today, i don’t feel like writing, it’s six fifty-two a.m. i got…uh, i’m in…new york. i was in…my…in maryland, at my mom’s. for some days. um. um. tonight—really briefly, what i’ve been doing—um. my friend jordan is visiting either tonight or the next…day…and he’s allergic to cats, so most of tonight since i’ve gotten home i’ve been cleaning the apartment. um. i’ve be—i’ve been—[points to bottle] this isn’t really coconut water. it’s just water. [picks up windex]. i’ve been using this to kill—i left a lemon on my windowsill, a-nd…it was full of fruit flies when i got back. so, um. i don’t recommend this way…of killing…bugs? because i think…this is…poison? um, because it kills them. but i-it, it is good, you demobilize them. um…and i think eventually like, even if you don’t…smash them after you de-mobilize, they like. slowly kinda lose their…faculties, o
r something. they go on their own. i’ve been getting a lot tonight, i probably killed like twenty…or something, tonight. i can’t believe there’s so many, i feel like they’re breeding. um. but i—where? where? where are they breeding? um. i’m pretty good at getting them with my hands.
i went…to maryland…’cause the guy i was seeing, who—i don’t [nose laugh]—the ‘omitted’ person? um, that ended. i don’t wanna get in…to…it, ‘cause. i don’t. wanna. give him the. satisfaction [laugh] of getting talked about, anymore, by me. it ended pretty bad. um. and. so i was hanging out with mom—i didn’t do any of the things, in maryland, that i said i was gonna do, um. which were to, like. something with my phone. um. and print out, uh. applications for schools. [exhale].
so cleaning the apartment: that’s what i’ve been doing…uh. [pause]. last night. [pause]. you can’t tell how clean it is, ’cause i tried to show in anoth—that’s the laundry, that i have there. right now it’s a temporary…comforter, temporary, uh—my old one—’cause…the cats…peed…while i was gone….so i u-uh, a lot—i shampooed—i was shampooing and blow-drying the…mattress, a lot. all the cat pee’s out. i just don’t wanna. um. i just wanna sleep with a mattress pad on it tonight. no sheets. um.
so i guess i’ll show you—four minutes, is that kinda long?—[pause]. show you some stuff that’s different.
[picks up picture] um, th-this? th-this. this? um. i…this is called ‘fucked tuna.’ there it—there he is. there’s the other ones. i commissioned tao to make that, um. ’cause he made a similar one. for someone, and i thought. he gave it to me like really cheap. i really like the colors of it. and. um. just like, i like [close-up of picture] that, the…what’s going on, with that [laughs]. um. it was really nice. of him. to do that, cheap.
um. bathroom…? is anything different in the bathroom? dyed my hair? in here? a couple weeks ago? i got a zit, it’s like…the last…kinda…days…of my perio—i really, i—i just—you can’t tell i-i, i just—i cleaned it. the apartment. i cleaned it really hard, tonight. um. did i say why? i forget if i said why. doesn’t matter.
um. what else. let’s get a variety of [nose laugh] shots. um, tha—i don’t know, it’s—it just looks really…clean to me. like, the surfaces. and then there’s not much crap around anywhere.
um. oh—uh. [pause]. here [opens freezer]: i was disappointed to only find spinach, when i got home? ’cause i thought i had bananas, and i could make a green smoothie thing, tomorrow? guess i can’t. [opens refrigerator]. here’s the refrigerator situation, um. on the top shelf i have kimchi, raw, and red cabbage, raw. cat food, as usual. got some garlic. some hot sauce. um, i still have this chia mixture thing. i’m kind of afraid. to see what happens with that, and. under there—you can’t tell, but i threw away the milk—i had milk—and uh, a bud clamato? thing? um…that…i got both of those with uh, whatev—‘omitted,’ or whatever [nose laugh]. it doesn’t matter. um.
um, so i’m gonna show you this other stuff, now? really quick, about my mo—my mom and i talked a lot. i had a really good time. with mom. and i had a good talk with dad, today, too. [exhale]. mom gave me a lot of jewelry. for kind of a sad reason. kinda, uh. she thinks they’re probably…she wants…me and my sister to have…some of her, stuff. before. she [whisper] dies, or something. um. so. she’s into…um—i’ll get into that in a second. she gave me, earrings, th-thes—she has a lot of nice jewelry. it’s like, ‘nice.’ these are like emeralds, or something? and then, she let me pick out rings—i used to wear rings a lot. um. and, these i’ve always had, and i’ve felt a little weird about…wearing them just plain, um—this one’s my grandma’s engagement ring. and then, this one’s my mom’s…something…special. um, but i-i, i feel wei—like. a little like. it’s not my ‘married’ finger, but it looks like i’m—i don’t know. i don’t know. i feel weird about wearing them. but i really like them. but i feel like it looks less weird. ’cause [laugh] i have…other rings, now. um, this one? it’s a stone called like peridot, and. it’s on mars, my mom said. they found it on mars. and then this one—this, is special, to me, because my mom watches the jewelry channel, a lot, it’s—and, um. um. knoxville tennessee or something—it’s not home shopping network but it’s like that, and. um. she ordered this. she orde—sh-she, she just bu—she likes the people on it, and. s-she has, all these like plates with like rocks and crystals and stuff on them, she. used to be into crystals, a littl—when i was little. ’cause she’s like, ‘they’re—you should have them. they hold you onto the ground’ or something and, other reasons, she has this whole thing about crystals. which i think is really cute. and she. so she gave me—she gave me this, which is like an old butter dish, they used to put butter in this. and these are all from the jewelry channel. they’re all pretty…pretty! sparkly! just nice, you know—nice little…jewels—and she’s like, ‘just—just look at them sometimes. and think about how. pretty, they are. and, um. and feel nice.’ so i’m gonna do that. it’s funny to be talking about stuff like this like, ‘oooh oooh, rocks! and stuff,’ but. um. [pause] and like, stuff! like stuff, that she was like, ‘you can’t. give. anyone. any blowjobs, if you wear this,’ [laugh] um, or, ‘you can’t have butt-sex,’ [laugh] and…‘you should start taking care of yourself’ or, something, and. um. i-i, i don’t—but i…like? doing those…things? some peop—i don’t know, she was ver—uh, i. i don’t—i don’t know. um.
so anyway it’s weird ’cause…it feels kinda cool, kinda different, to have those things. um.
i think that’s about it. for what’s happened tonight.
i ea—i ate, i have oxycodone, and i have xanax—i ate two milligrams of xanax, earlier, and…fifteen total oxycodone tonight, since [pause] around probably like, eight p.m. and i still. i’m having a hard time sleeping, a lot. [exhale] and…um. overall feeling…um. i was feeling pretty good, i was feeling pretty good. then the thing with, um. the person. happened. then i felt pretty bad, i’ve been feeling pretty bad. uh, since tha—that happened friday. today’s wednesday—or thursday, now, technically—jeez almost a week. um. so. i don’t know…if i’m gonna wanna update…liveblog, right now. for the next few days. ’cause i wanna be hanging out with jordan and stuff. and not thinking. and not wanna type stuff.
before…um…i g—part of my thing, part of my plan, when i stopped…doing…the liveblog thing, i was like ‘i’m gonna write, uh, i’m gonna start writing articles. for vice. again. and ‘i’m gon-na…apply…to s—to colleges,’ and i…i sent in my fafsa. forms. for, colleges. um. but i really haven’t done much of anything yet. um, and i thought i would. those were kinda things i wanted to kinda straighten out, er. or like, i’m gonna do research studies…or something. um [pause]. f-eeling in general…like i don’t have anything…to say [laugh]. to…or con-trib-ute, to stuff. that was another thing with the guy. ‘omitted’ guy. he kinda has his shit together and i kinda don’t. it seemed to not bother him but maybe it did. um, i don—i don’t, actually i don’t think—i don’t know what it was, um. he seems more…kinda obsessed, with like…sex, than me…um…i could take, or leave…sex [laugh]. um, and he…did i say he cheated on me? i said it on twitter. he cheated on me. that’s never happened to me in the, the um. [shows necklace] this is from coldwater cr-creek [laugh], um. never happened to me in the beginning, the beginni—like, the two months, ‘beginning’—it’s…happened at the end, when things are already bad, or i’ve agreed with the person, like, ‘we’re gonna see other people’ and. and i-i, i’m pretty sure—uh, i don’t know, i don’t wanna get into…um…talkin’…shit—
days just keep going by, and then they turn into night, and then they turn into morning, and i’m up for all of it, and it sucks. um. and i’m…flaky…person [laugh] to hang out with, but then, so seems kind of, everyone, sorta…um, tolerated in this particular group of people that i like hanging out with sometimes? um. [pause]. i’m probably the worst, ’cause i’m not even good at emails or stuff. or, uh. or being…consistent, with stuff…or…anything. so…<
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i guess that’s about it, um. [pause]. no matter what, it—it always feels a little better if the apartment’s clean, if everything is really really super-clean, really—surfaces are all dusted and, um, laundry—it’s just like…there’s less cells, of. that person. here. uh [pause]. or, yeah. there’s just less of it. um. this is really long. thanks for listening if you want. it’s—here, this—let this…tide you…ov—i [laugh]—uh. i’m not gonna update for a few days, so…um…stupid, stupid stupid stupid st—okay, um. the end thank you for listening goodbye.
9:41AM: laid in fetal position on mattress pad. placed beanbag eyemask on forehead. realized i’m ‘exhausted.’ last night i asked chelsea if she wanted to get lunch today. haven’t heard back yet. set alarms. covered eyes to block out light.
2:00PM: have been resetting alarms and hitting snooze. chelsea texted not long after i’d fallen asleep. ate 20mg adderall XR and experimented with sitting positions. phone rang twice. it was the numbers i don’t recognize from buffalo, NY and wayne, PA. the last night i was in maryland, the wayne, PA number left a garbled ‘mothman prophecies’-like voicemail. played it for mom. my room felt scary, because of its proximity to balcony window. remember pretending to ‘naturally’ shift posture of supine body as if already sleeping. it prompted mom to say, ‘are you sleeping in here tonight?’ i paused and said, ‘no, maybe for a few minutes. i’ll get up though, i have to leave at like, in the morning.’ woke in the afternoon in her bed.