by Megan Boyle
THING I’VE NOTICED WHICH SEEMS TO BE A RESULT OF LIVEBLOG:
• when someone asks me about the specifics of an event, i do something like ‘mentally accessing library where my memories are stored,’ which is…i’m just scanning a mental index of liveblog. the memory of typing something often comes before the memory of the event i typed.
4:07AM: this is the longest i’ve sat at this table. the table is helping with…something, i feel. nonspecific helper table.
4:10AM: wonder if anyone actually is a paid member of those websites that don’t have real downloads of albums/movies but always want you to be a member. do those websites employ people? how does that work?
4:11AM: on the walk home from the grocery store tonight i thought, ‘people i follow on twitter…people don’t seem as interested in things…something used to feel more active, i used to feel aligned with something…where do you go to find interesting things…motherboard, htmlgiant, gawker, io9, wired…no one cares anymore, even those places…wait was htmlgiant one of those places…yyy-es…i think’
6:13AM: ate 800mg choline and 800mg aniracetam instead of more adderall. feel more alert than a few minutes ago. peed and turned on bathtub faucet for alvie.
6:34AM: have been looking for a way to re-download ‘eskimo snow’ by why? was surprised to see the name ‘ben rosamond’ in the comments section of a website that showed up on google. left this comment:
‘ben rosamond
damn
ben rosamond from australia or new zealand maybe?
it’s 6:24AM and i’ve been trying to find somewhere to re-download this album periodically for the past few hours…have a new computer…this is megan boyle…gonna give up and buy again i think
2009 ben rosamond blast from the past
hi, if you ever see this’
6:53AM: left this comment:
‘damn didn’t know you contributed to wefuckinglovemusic
i can’t remember how i know about wefuckinglovemusic or for how long i’ve known about it
(i’m talking to ben)
hi-ho, megan boyle still here
pictured continuously commenting on this thread in this manner until it becomes like 600k words long
would happen really slowly, like over the course of 40 years
bookmarking this page, maybe will do this
probably not
shit now it seems unavoidable
as i was writing that it seemed ‘highly avoidable’
okay signing off for now,
megan
hi again, ben (do you remember me? can’t remember if we’ve ever talked or emailed, i just know who you are, maybe from the BSG short story contest thing…maybe we were just commenting on things around the same time…)
okay signing off for now,
megan’
8:45AM: left these comments:
‘ben, i remembered i’ve read a gchat between you and zachary german that involved me in a funny way for a few lines
haven’t said anything about this album yet: i like this album a lot
2009 jesus…yeah that makes sense, that’s when i first heard it
probably my second favorite why? album…‘alopecia’ first favorite…
this one has five of my favorite songs by them on it though (‘this blackest purse,’ ‘into the shadows of my embrace,’ ‘against me,’ ‘these hands,’ ‘january twenty something’)
i know the titles from looking at my phone, i just have those five songs from this album on my phone, i can’t remember other songs (which is why i wanted to download)
the full album was on my old computer
afraid to sync my phone with this computer due to…i don’t know
if i sync my phone with this computer my old stuff will be gone forever considering the spectrum of things that could happen to a person, ‘losing my phone’s old stuff’ would not be that bad
actually it’d probably be good
have been hearing vacuum noises coming from somewhere in my building since maybe a little before i wrote my first comment
it’s 6:46AM on a friday, why is anyone vacuuming right now
never understood how ‘vacuum’ is one of the most commonly misspelled words
in my head it sounds like ‘vac-que-oom,’ the ‘que’ and ‘oo’ transition easily/sensibly into ‘u’ and ‘u’
the noise seems to be coming from above and to the left…opposite side of the hall as me…opposite/above…
they didn’t have e-cigarettes in 2009
the person who invented e-cigarettes had yet to make their millions
i feel like my entire…everything i’ve done since 2009 has disappointed ryan manning
i associate you (ben) with ryan manning
same period of my life
i like ryan manning
he sent me an email recently that said ‘what happened to you,’ confirming my suspicions of disappointing him
he could’ve just been being friendly though
tried to think ‘he’s probably just being friendly’ as i wrote response
feel like he will probably read this and…i don’t know
i do seem pretty bad now
not too well-off
used to think something life-altering would happen to me when i turned [every age i’m about to turn]
currently sort of hoping no one reads this
or someone reads it and thinks ‘who is this crazy person, she does not seem too well-off’
‘well-off’ feels strange to type, what does it mean exactly
sounds like it could’ve originated in australia or new zealand, like you, ben
it would be funny if you’re not the ben rosamond who i think you are
is this…am i harrassing? 100% good intentions, just want to take a break from the other stuff i was writing
guessing ‘well-off’ means ‘someone has left something, they are now ‘off’ that thing. since they’ve been ‘off’ mostly good things have been happening to them’
mostly good things have not been happening to me since i’ve left the things i’ve left
that sounds dramatic
think i’m just getting older
pretty sure my younger self knew getting older meant there would be less choices for me to have made
feels different to be living in a world of less choices/already-made choices
wonder what you are doing right now ben rosamond
‘rosamond’ sounds like ‘a mound of roses’
pretty thirsty at the moment
sitting at a table
it says this is too long to post as one comment but i wrote it as one big thing
guess i’ll split it up
okay signing off for now,
megan
it usually says ‘tomhanks’ when i comment on things but i don’t feel like signing into the email i registered my old blog with
that email is [email protected]
i used an aol.com email address for a long time
the first email on my yahoo account is from january 8, 2007
it’s a picture of a ‘pizza-billed platypus’ from my best friend at the time
the second email is a myspace account confirmation from august 21, 2007
then there aren’t emails until october 2007
how is that possible
in october 2007 i signed up for nanowrimo
then there are mostly nanowrimo emails
at 11:58PM january 5, 2008 i registered with dominos.com
at 12:03AM january 6, 2008 i ordered this pizza: 1 Large(14”) Hand Tossed Pizza, Whole: Cheese, Extra Sauce, Green Peppers, Onions, Bacon, Jalapeno Peppers, Left: Extra Large Pepperoni, Extra Mushrooms, Tomatoes, Extra Diced Tomatoes, Right: Italian Sausage $10.99
that was one hell of a day
one hell of a five minutes
the pizza was delivered to my best friend at the time’s dorm
we would order as many toppings as possible
> i was a ‘strictly cheese’ woman before we were close
sometimes on saturdays my dad would bring home pizza and half of it would be topped with mushrooms and onions
for a brief period i thought mushrooms and onions were the most popular pizza topping
pepperoni was like, ‘something that happens on people’s birthdays, might be due to dietary restrictions’
it says this is too long again
okay signing off for now,
megan
people are talking in the hallway now
vacuum is still going
i used to say ‘i’m sorry’ when i meant ‘i see that something i’ve done has upset you and i wish you weren’t upset,’ now i say it when i mean ‘i also dislike what i did and don’t want to do it anymore’
i was exaggerating about ‘not too well-off,’ was trying to be funny
feel mostly okay about things that’ve happened to me
not sure what i’m referring to anymore
forgot what this website was called for a moment, thought ‘weheartour-blogspot’
think i’m imagining the vacuum thing, going to try turning off the faucet
turned it off, i was right
my cat likes to drink water from the bathtub faucet so i turn it on sometimes
i can’t believe…all this time…not a vacuum…damn
learning new things every day
was getting pretty irritated at that vacuum person
vacuumer…vacuumaisier…vacuumassuese…
do you know the jay-z where he says ‘i’m not a businessman, i’m a business, man’
for a while i tried to make something like that work but with ‘vacuum and’ and ‘acumen’ (not necessarily in that order)
i don’t remember the song other than that line
it’s possible i just know it from people quoting it
should i stop feeding my cats ‘fancy feast’
they act like they like it but i’m pretty sure it’s poisonous
my best friend’s ex-boyfriend calls her dog ‘the imp of the perverse’
the dog is a tiny chihuahua that vibrates almost constantly
its face is extremely expressive
i think ‘the imp of the perverse’ originated from an idea that the dog is the by-product of all the misery in the world, like technically its parents are all the pain and suffering in the world, that’s why it is the way it is
it’s funny if you see the dog
maybe
this might be strictly ‘seeing the dog’-based humor
mild background fixation on if and how i’m disappointing ryan manning
wanted to do this partially out of a desire to not disappoint him
realistically i don’t think he or anyone but maybe my parents thinks about/interacts with me enough that their experiences could be disappointing compared to their expectations
no, i don’t know
getting a little carried away with this comment
it’s going to be 86 degrees today
at the end of the day i will have eaten or not eaten a number of oranges but right now it’s anyone’s game
potentially five oranges could be eaten, i have five and do not foresee wanting more
smart money is on ‘one orange will be eaten today’
anyone’s game though…anyone’s…
at this point…
almost afraid to stop doing this, what will i do after this
okay signing off for now,
megan
9:28AM: ate 5mg oxycodone for ‘actual pain relief.’ seeing less fruit flies. strange abdominal cramping. morning feels bad. to my right is a 30mg adderall ‘just in case.’ seems like jordan will not visit today. no word on the jordan front. ‘the jordan front’ sounds like an early 2000’s math rock band. maybe screamo band. maybe opening for thrice this wednesday at power point live. all is quiet on the jordan front. would be funny if he showed up in a few minutes. wonder what’s going to happen. i haven’t unpacked from maryland or folded laundry or put clean sheets/comforter on the bed yet. shirley has not tried to pee the bed since yesterday. wonder what’s going to happen…!!!!
9:36AM: sleepy. can’t believe i’m allowed to live like this. i’m only going to want to stop living like this if i can stop thinking things like ‘can’t believe i’m allowed to live like this.’ it’s okay to be living like this for now…there is obviously…no other way to be doing it, for now, otherwise i’d be doing that instead.
9:45AM: whoa felt insane bad for a few seconds
normally would just leave that like it is, now going to try to unpack what felt bad exactly: i was looking somewhere between water container and sugar-free red bull. remembered i hadn’t updated recently-made auxiliary twitter where i tweet everything i eat/drink with anything i’ve ingested tonight. started thinking about how having multiple/auxiliary twitter accounts feels dark, especially considering me doing liveblog. thought about how both men i’ve been close with since starting liveblog have not liked that i was doing it. tried to imagine updating liveblog ‘or maybe a twitter’ with this and felt…just…icky/dark. remembered things i’ve typed today and felt icky/dark about them, and that there was a time when i felt positive about anything i’d say in here. then felt sudden overwhelming flashback-type series of thoughts like ‘what was different about me in the beginning of this, if i find out what it is then maybe i can get it back, i know i wasn’t happy then but at least it wasn’t now but that’s the same thing i feel now.’ remembered walking to the chinese food place to get quarters last night
what’s with me picking guys who don’t like the stuff i like then feeling sad when it’s over
okay boyle that’s dumb, don’t do that anymore
how about you seal off your…just…
your romantic interest keg is tapped
who decided that when there’s no more weed something is ‘cashed’ and when there’s no more alcohol something is ‘tapped’
wait ‘tapped’ means the alcohol just began
tapped an ass
want to make a to-do list, would that make you feel good? let’s make a to-do list:
• mail matthew donahoo package
• fax car inspection document to insurance people
• read and write blurbs for chelsea martin & heiko julien books
• party with chelsea tonight
• print applications to schools
• eat something
• put away laundry
• put other comforter in dryer (maybe you can just let it dry though, won’t it just dry?)
SHIT I FORGOT TO MOVE MY CAR SHIT GODDAMNED FUCKING…SHIT ASS…
well no sense in doing it now
no i should do it, what if they haven’t caught me yet
i have 12 unpaid parking tickets. i looked last night. can they arrest me? what can they do…
i would let a cop beat me within an inch of my life if it meant i would never have to pay for or think about having another parking ticket ever again
or i could just never pay the tickets and not get beaten up
that seems to be the way this is going (knock on wood!)
1:13PM: killed maybe ten fruit flies in kitchen with windex. moved at a slower-than-normal pace and avoided ‘wiping’ until the end. it’s unfair that flies get to rest but most fish have to keep moving or they’ll die. there is a hair in my eye. ate 800mg choline, 1g aniracetam. felt more alert and less lumbering. did i say i had a hair in my eye? it’s in my eye, the hair. wouldn’t have felt able to form sentences a few minutes ago. bugs don’t understand that everywhere is not ‘outside.’ i’ve thought this before, that everywhere is ‘outside’ technically, sometimes this gives me a vertigo-like feeling.
was david foster wallace’s graduation speech thing called ‘this is not a fish’
‘this is not water’
slideshow of things that aren’t water
i don’t even know if that’s the re
al name of the speech yet
oh, ‘this is water’
haha
slideshow of every kind of water…the water cycle…wasn’t there something about fish in his speech
the teacher who spoke at my high school graduation talked for over 30 minutes and people in the audience had bullhorn-like noisemakers and were booing her. then people had something to talk about after the ceremony. highly polarizing speech/event…the booing…she didn’t know it, but she gave the liberty high school class of 2003 and their families/friends the gift of ‘materiel for brief, less-awkward exchanges with people who happen to be standing near you in crowded auditorium lobby, topic is applicable to anyone there, even strangers and people you’d probably otherwise have very little to say to.’ she also gave me the gift of ‘memory that, in ten years and a few months, you can use to occupy yourself with the task of making into sentences for about 20 minutes in a liveblog about your life that you will feel 51% apprehensive and 49% indifferent about updating.’
the only thing i remember about her speech was her leaning over the podium and talking about a rabbit with a carrot on a stick/rope device strapped to its head
the leaning motion looks exaggerated in my memory, her head gets bigger and she makes dictator gestures…she was a small person…‘fiesty’…fluffy head…
does it sound like i’m shittaking her? i’m not. she was one of my favorite teachers. i liked it when she did the thing before everyone graduated, i liked graduating high school
‘i liked graduating high school’
why is that funny to me
three-minute youtube commercial featuring hundreds of celebrities making eye contact with the camera, earnestly saying ‘i liked graduating high school.’ you can’t fast-forward it, you have to watch
it’s for the global…‘global help fund’
‘global help fund’ charity benefit gala evening, brought to you in part by CLGHS (celebrities who liked graduating high school)
too far…too far…went too far with it…
do i sound like i’m shittalking my parents…i’m not…did that thing earlier sound shittalky…shit