by Laura Pavlov
“It’s a curse.”
“I wouldn’t change a hair on your beautiful head,” he said before pushing me to sit up. “Come on, let’s get some food in you so I can take you to bed and have my way with you.”
This had become our new normal. Him taking care of me. Me taking care of him. And I didn’t want anything to change.
“I’m so glad you finally agreed to cocktails. I thought you were pulling a Gwen,” Becks said, as the two of us sat at a high-top table at our favorite bar in the city and ordered martinis.
Jazz music pumped through the speakers, and the bar area was illuminated with light from the crystal chandeliers overhead, causing small diamond shapes to glisten on the surrounding walls.
I laughed. “I’ve been busy with work.”
“You’ve been busy with your secret boyfriend.” She rolled her eyes. “I don’t mind it. You dated that douchebag for years and you never seemed into him at all. Now you’re secretly dating your brother’s best friend and you seem ridiculously happy. I can’t complain. And he’s hot as fuck, so there’s that.”
I leaned forward, holding my finger to my lips to remind her to keep her voice down. The place was buzzing with conversation and laughter. Servers moved around the space like a fine-tuned machine.
“You’re so crude sometimes. But yes, he’s hot. No argument there.”
“And the sex?”
I felt my cheeks heat, and a wide grin spread across my face no matter how hard I tried to hide it. There were no words to explain how good it was. How amazing and life-changing being with Jack really was. The way he made me feel. The way he touched me. Butterflies swarmed my belly and I bit down hard on my bottom lip to contain myself.
“It’s really good. That’s all I’m saying.”
“That’s all you need to say.” She raised a brow. “Your face gives you away. Like I said, hot as fuck.”
I smiled and took a much-needed sip of my cocktail, pulling the olive off the toothpick and popping it in my mouth. “My face gives nothing away. I’m a journalist. I’m trained to hide my feelings.”
She chuckled. “Sure, you are. All I know is that when I used to ask you about sex with Thyme, you would wince. Like it was painful. I knew he was a shit lover even if you never admitted it.”
My head fell back in laughter. “He’s texted me a few times, actually. Apparently, he misses me now that he has a knocked-up girlfriend. Go figure.”
She gasped and reached for my phone, scrolling to find his texts. “Um, he texted you twelve times. What the fuck, Mon? And you’ve never responded. He’s a complete stalker.” She continued to scroll through the texts and say aloud everything she was reading. “He broke up with Sage? She’s pregnant, for god’s sake. What’s his deal? Please let me respond for you.”
I yanked my phone out of her hands, just as our waiter stopped by the table and Becks ordered another round of drinks. She flirted with him, per usual, and he didn’t seem to mind one bit. Once he walked away, she turned her attention toward me, and raised a brow as if she were waiting for an answer.
“We’re not engaging.”
“What does Jack say?” she asked.
“I haven’t told him. He’ll just get pissed, and it’s his birthday in three days. I don’t want to ruin it with silly drama.”
She studied me before pausing to take a sip of her martini. “That’s part of being in a relationship, girl. Silly drama comes with the territory. How would you feel if he had an ex texting him and didn’t tell you?”
I growled and shook my head before I could stop myself. “This annoying girl at the office, Sabrina, keeps hitting on him. Today she came in to drop something off to him while I was sitting in his office, you know, for an actual meeting. She leans over, pushing her big old breasts in his face, and looks over at me and winks. Later, she tells me that my loss is her gain because she thinks we’re broken up. I freaking hate her.”
Her head fell back in laughter. “What did Jack do?”
“He keeps telling me we could end all of this if I’d just let it be known that we are together.”
There was a large ruckus in the bar area and we both turned to see a woman had slipped off her barstool. She jumped to her feet and waved her hands in the air to let everyone know she was okay. We both chuckled before turning to face one another again.
“Girl. This guy is too much. I love him for you. Just what you needed. A confident dude who tells you how he feels. No games. No bullshit. He’s crazy about you. So why not just tell your brother and let the world know?” She shrugged.
My stomach tightened as I thought about it. “Do you ever feel like, I don’t know, like maybe you don’t deserve to be happy? Is that weird?”
“Yes. It’s weird. I feel like I totally deserve to be happy. And I’m not settling for anything less. What the hell do you even mean? You’re the best person I know, Mon. Why wouldn’t you deserve this?”
“I don’t know. I’m not sure that’s even the right word. It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m so afraid once we admit we’re together, that it will come to an end. And I don’t know if I could handle it if he got tired of me or moved on from this. Don’t even get me started on how often he gets hit on or propositioned. And that scares the shit out of me.”
There. I said it. I was afraid Jack would leave me. And why not? It was par for the course for me. I always held back just a little bit from allowing myself to be completely happy. Because the fear of actually being happy and then losing it, was apparently less scary than not allowing yourself to be happy at all.
She reached across the table and squeezed my hand. It was an uncharacteristically thoughtful move for Becks. Affection was not her superpower. “Girl, you’re the bravest person I know. You’re writing shit that blows up powerful people. That is scary. Allowing yourself to be happy, shouldn’t be scary. Maybe you’ve just gotten so used to protecting yourself, that actually having real feelings for someone terrifies you.”
“I don’t know why I’m this way. I want to charge the tundra. Seize the day. But when it comes to letting myself enjoy this… I freeze. It’s almost a paralyzing fear. It makes no sense,” I said before pulling my hands away and reaching for my drink.
“Well, I’m no Freud, but I’m guessing entering the world where my mother died giving birth to me, having my father emotionally check out of all future relationships and date social-climbing heathens with no souls, and a brother who protected me so fiercely that I don’t ever put my guard down… that’ll leave a mark.” She paused and reached for her fresh cocktail that our server had just set down and plucked the olive from the toothpick and popped it in her mouth. “It’s time to separate all of those things, Mon. Your mom died giving birth to you. It sucks. But it happened, and out of it came this strong, fierce, beautiful woman who is making a difference in this world. Do you think she’d want to go through all of that for you to be emotionally unavailable? Doubt it, girl. So, tell your brother to back the fuck off. Tell your father to start living his life again and allow yourself to do the same. And tell that man of yours that you’re crazy in love with him because you are.” She stared at me hard before reaching over and patting her own back. “Fucking brilliant, if I do say so myself.”
“Didn’t you get your degree in marketing? I’m feeling a career shift to therapist. That was not a bad assessment, my friend.” I laughed as I continued to process her words.
“It’s time to stop protecting yourself, girl. Live. Love. And all that hoopla. I think you found the guy that’s worth taking the risk for. And please remember that I never told you to let your guard down with the douchebag herb.”
I chuckled. “Thanks, Becks. Let me sit on this for a bit.”
“No. Stop sitting on things. Time to ride your boy into the sunset, girl.”
I choked on my drink and coughed before we both broke out in a
fit of laughter.
“Love you. Thank you,” I said before pulling my card out to pay the bill. “I’ve got this.”
“You bet your ass you’ve got it. I just saved you thousands in therapy.”
I hugged her goodbye before catching an Uber and heading to Jack’s. I couldn’t wait to see him. A few hours away from him had become torture.
When I stepped off the elevator, there was a massive floral arrangement sitting on the entry table. My heart fluttered, and I reached for the card.
Mon,
Please call me back. I messed up. I love you.
Thyme
My heart raced, because the only way these would be at Jack’s place was if they’d been sent to the office and he’d seen them.
“Montgomery,” I called out, my voice shaky.
He walked around the corner. His face hard, hair a rumpled mess. His dress shirt was completely unbuttoned, exposing his tanned, chiseled abs. His tie was long gone, and he leaned against the wall, arms crossed over his chest as he studied me.
“Something you want to tell me, Blue Jay?” His voice lacked emotion, but I could see the anger in his gaze.
“Listen. I didn’t want to upset you,” I said. “I haven’t responded to him.”
“Your fucking ex-boyfriend is sending you flowers to tell you he loves you, and you don’t think I deserve to know that? Why would you though? No one in the office knows we’re dating. Your fucking family doesn’t know we’re together. Why the fuck would I think you’d tell your ex-boyfriend you were with me?” The disdain in his voice startled me. Jack had never been upset with me. Not really. Sure, he didn’t want me to attend that party at the Labriths, but he was able to speak to me without—disdain.
Disappointment.
I reached for my phone in my purse and handed it to him. “Read the texts. I just didn’t want to upset you right before your birthday.”
“Of course, you didn’t, Little Bird. You’ve been holding me at bay this whole time. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I’d like to send you flowers to the office? Or take you out to a restaurant and hold your hand?” He held my phone in his hand, but he never looked at it. His eyes never left mine. “Or tell my fucking best friend that I finally found someone that makes me want to be a better man and it’s his baby sister?”
His words were like a sharp knife to my heart. I put my hand to my chest as the tears started to fall.
What had I done?
How selfish had I been?
He handed my phone back to me. “I don’t need to read this. I needed to hear it from you. My girlfriend. If that’s what you even are.”
His phone vibrated on the counter beside him a few times, and he finally picked it up and ran a hand through his hair. He held his phone up for me to read the screen.
“It’s your brother. He’s on his way over here. He wants to hang out and catch up. What do you want to do about that?”
I’d never seen Jack so angry. His demeanor was stiff and hard. His jaw clenched. But his whiskey-colored eyes nearly broke me. They were wounded. And for the first time since we’d been together, they appeared distant and guarded.
He didn’t trust me.
And I’d done this to him.
Tears ran down my face as I fought back the lump in my throat.
Fight or flight.
“I’m going to tell him. But not like this.” I grabbed my purse and ran to the door.
“Take your flowers, Blue Jay. We wouldn’t want Miles to think something was going on between us,” he hissed.
I took my flowers and sobbed when the elevator doors closed. I dropped the card in the trash before setting the arrangement on the lobby table and making my way outside.
I ran away.
Because for the first time in my life, I had everything I wanted.
And so much to lose.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Jack
I’d hung out with Miles the night before and we’d drunk ourselves into one of the worst hangovers I’d ever had in my life. He’d asked numerous times why I was in a mood, and I’d written it off to stress at work.
The truth—I was pissed at his sister. She’d received fucking flowers from her asshole ex, not mentioned the fact that he’d been texting her, refused to tell her brother about us, which in turn forced me to lie to him for months, and insisted on keeping our relationship a secret. I’d been patient for as long as I could. I was done playing games and she could get on board and come clean with him, or she was going to have to walk away. She couldn’t have it both ways. Not anymore. I’d give her the ultimatum today and let her decide what she wanted.
My head pounded and I felt like shit as I stepped off the elevator at Montgomery Media, and Sam handed me a coffee and winced when she saw me.
“Rough night?” she said.
“Something like that.”
“Monroe is in your office. She seemed upset and insisted on waiting for you there.”
“I’ll handle it,” I hissed. She’d texted me several times last night and I’d ignored her. She was probably just worried that I’d blown her cover with her brother. God for-fucking-bid he found out we were dating.
I pushed my office door open before kicking it shut with my foot. I walked right past her and dropped in the chair behind my desk. She hurried over and put her hand on each side of my face. Her indigo blues searching mine.
“I’m so sorry.” Her words broke on a sob.
“What does that fucking mean? You’re ready to tell the truth? Or you just need a little more time?” I asked, my anger spewing as the words left my mouth.
“I’m going to tell him tomorrow. We’re spending Christmas Eve together.”
“That’s right. We can’t spend it together because he still doesn’t fucking know. What’s your deal with this, Blue Jay?” I pushed to my feet, pacing the length of my office needing to put some space between us. “Are you embarrassed of me? Ashamed? What the fuck do I have to do to show you that I’m all in? What’s it going to take? What the fuck do you want from me?” My words boomed around the space, and I stopped in front of her. Tears streamed down her face.
My office door flew open, and Miles stormed in with Sam on his tail. Could this day get any fucking worse? His sister stood before me sobbing, my head was ready to blow, and I held my hand up to my assistant to shut the door and leave us.
“Is this for fucking real?” Miles shouted, tossing Monroe’s locket on my desk. “I went into your room to find some Tylenol and instead I find my sister’s fucking locket. On your motherfucking nightstand beside your bed. You looked me in the fucking eyes and told me nothing was going on.”
“It’s not what you think,” I said, running a hand over my face.
“It’s not? You going to feed me a bunch of bullshit again? Because from where I’m standing… this is the second time I’ve walked in to find my sister crying. How long have you been keeping this from me? I asked you one fucking thing, Jack. One fucking thing. Not to fuck around with my sister.”
“Miles,” Monroe shouted. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. This is my fault.”
“Don’t fucking apologize for him, Mon. How could you fucking do this to her?”
I was completely done with this whole situation. I’d put my heart out there, and she’d stomped on it. For whatever reason, she’d insisted on hiding this, and now here we were in the midst of a shitstorm. I couldn’t even be mad at him. It looked like—well, it looked like I’d lied to him, which I had.
“I can explain,” Monroe shouted.
“Oh yeah? Tell me I’m wrong?” Miles glared at me. His hands fisted at his sides.
“You’re so fucking wrong, brother.” I pointed my finger at my best friend. “You think she’s crying because I hurt her? You couldn’t be more wrong. It’s your sister doing the
hurting. I’m the fucking one getting crushed here, man. Yeah, that’s right. I’m fucking head over heels in love with her, and she won’t even fucking admit we’re dating. So, who’s fucking who over?” I stormed past both of them, and Monroe reached for my arm, but I didn’t stop.
I was over all of it. I’d lost my best friend and the girl I loved and all for what? Because she was too afraid to admit how she felt?
Fuck that.
Ford hurried toward me as I stormed out of my office. “What the fuck is going on? Who are you screaming at?”
“I’m done. I’m leaving. Cancel my appointments.”
He followed me to the elevator and held the door open. “Jack. What the hell is going on?”
“I put myself out there and guess fucking what? I got crushed.”
He stepped back and let the doors close.
I stepped off the elevator and walked right out the front door. I called Big Tony and he pulled up at the curb.
“You all right?” he asked, opening the back door for me.
“No. But I will be.” My phone chimed with a reminder that I had an appointment in ten minutes. Fuck. I couldn’t get a break today. “We need to make one quick stop and then you can drop me at the helicopter. I’m going to Napa early.”
There was only one person I wanted to speak to. The one person who always made things better. My mom.
It turned out the best cure for a bitch of a hangover and a broken heart was some time with your mom followed by a five-hour nap. I’d turned off my phone and spent a quiet evening at the home I’d grown up in, which was exactly what I needed. Mom and I talked about everything, and she understood my frustration, but she empathized with Monroe.
It’s not that I didn’t understand Monroe’s fears. I did. But things had gone too far, and I was done playing games. Either shit or get off the fucking pot. And obviously, Monroe wasn’t ready to do either. She could find me when she was ready to own how she felt to both me and her brother.
Harrison and Laney had offered to stop by, but I didn’t want to discuss this with anyone else. My mom had my back, and she was the person I relied on most when I was unsure about what to do. We’d gone to bed early, and I’d slept off the remnants of my hangover, and woke up feeling a shit ton better the following day.