"No, you don't get a say about my family. Just like social services didn't get a say. I picked my own family, and they've cared about me when you never did."
Daniel is shaking his head with a pained expression on his face. "I've always loved you, Rob." He puts a hand over his heart.
"Get out." Rob's voice is quiet but full of anger.
If Daniel plans on ignoring him, I’m ready to physically remove him from this house. "I'll go, but if you change your mind." He takes a business card out of his pocket and sets it on the counter.
We both watch as he walks towards the front door. Neither of us miss the fact he slips one of our neon-green band flyers from the top of the pile to take with him.
A few moments after the front door closes, Rob snatches up the closest tea towel, smothers his face in it, and screams. I wrap my arms around him from behind and hold on as his body shakes from gut-wrenching sobs.
He removes one of his shaking hands from the towel and holds his phone out in my direction.
I know exactly what he wants. I immediately dial Emily's number, and when she answers, I say, "Rob needs you."
After I put the phone down, I wrap my arm back around him as he continues to cry. " We're your family, Rob. That's all that matters."
Chapter Fourteen
Avery
"What's the verdict?" Liam asks while breaking off a piece of gingerbread for himself. We’re standing in the parking lot about to begin our hike to Helvellyn peak in the Lake District. Our first stop was the Grasmere Gingerbread Shop, and now my backpack is much heavier.
I hold up my finger since I’m still chewing. "It's like if a gingerbread and a graham cracker had a baby. A unique spicy and sweet super-delicious baby." I pop another piece in my mouth.
"That's actually super-disturbing, Avery," Rob says playfully.
I pretend to move the paper holding the gingerbread out of his reach when he goes for another piece.
"Totally kidding. The idea of eating a gingerbread-graham-cracker baby actually sounds very appetizing right now."
"Ignore him," Emily says before taking a swig of water.
"Are you guys sure about this?" I ask as we start packing up our stuff.
Rob spent most of the train ride from Oxford early this morning talking about his favorite hiking trails and the incredible views, but they’re obviously overestimating my athletic abilities. Mom and I used to hike every weekend in Seattle when Dad worked long hours at the hospital, but I haven't hiked, or attempted to hike, since I was twelve.
Emily answers, "I promise you can handle it. If I can, you definitely can!"
Rob gives her a look I can't decipher.
I’m still skeptical, but I try to stay positive. "Lead the way!" After all, this trip is about Rob. When I learned about his dad stopping by yesterday, I understood how much he needs a distraction.
As we begin walking towards the trail, Emily asks, "You sure Katherine didn't want to come along?"
I laugh. "Her exact response was, 'Like I brought shoes for hiking!'"
"I figured as much. I just wanted to make sure she felt included," Emily says.
"Don't worry. I'm pretty sure Eric is following her around as we speak,” Liam says.
Rob cuts in. "That explains why he was complaining about clean laundry this morning. I thought he was ill."
We cross over several wooden bridges before seeing the two-mile signpost for Helvellyn. Beautiful views of Thirlmere and the Skiddaw mountain range are behind us as the stone path becomes steeper the longer we walk. The incline hardly seems to affect Rob as he continues to entertain us with stories about himself, Liam, and the band.
When we make it to the top of the peak, I suck in a breath as the views of the Helvellyn mountain range and Red Tarn lake overtake all my senses. Everyone is quiet. I can feel them watching me as if they’re remembering the first time they took in this view through their own eyes.
Standing on the peak surrounded by miles of green landscape and low-hanging white clouds that seem within reach, I take in a deep breath that slowly fills my body with silence. It’s a silence that makes me feel both empty and fulfilled at the same time. It’s a silence that slowly morphs into peace the longer I stand here. The bubble around my everyday self-centered life bursts in this moment, and I suddenly feel insignificant— insignificant and free.
A light breeze ruffles the hair against my cheek, and I slowly lift my hands to feel it travel between my fingers. Even though I know this feeling is only temporary, I try to permanently carve it into my memory, because photographs will never do a moment like this justice. I don't want to be behind the lens. I want to be right here, where there’s nowhere to hide. There’s nothing between this breathtaking panoramic view and me.
This view reminds me of Rattlesnake Ledge near Seattle where Mom and I used to hike. It had panoramic views of the Cascade Mountains and Rattlesnake Lake similar to this. It never affected me this way, though. Maybe I was too young. Maybe when I hiked with Mom, I had everything I needed. I already felt free back then. Then, I think about the last time I made that hike.
Liam’s arm brushes against mine, and I look up at him.
His gaze dances all over my features. I’m not sure what he sees when he asks, “Okay?”
“I was just thinking about the last time I hiked.” I don’t want to spoil the mood so I decide to stop there and begin pushing the memory aside.
He must read this on my face, because he asks, “Tell me?”
“ It’s not happy,” I warn.
“Because all my memories are,” he says sarcastically.
I take a deep breath. “Mom told us early on she didn’t want to be buried. I suggested one of those companies that would bury her ashes at the same time they planted a tree. But she didn’t like the idea of being buried at all.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” Liam says.
“Right? So, we came up with the idea of spreading her ashes over the Cascade Mountains from the top of our favorite hiking trail.” Dad couldn’t even be in the same room when we had those conversations. He was still convinced she would survive. “It looked so much like this,” I tell Liam as I gesture to the view.
He shakes his head. “I can’t imagine doing something like that.”
“Apparently, neither could my Dad. He had been quiet on the way to the hiking trail, and he would barely look at me, probably because I had Mom’s urn in my lap.”
I hadn’t seen him cry yet—not at the hospital, not at the memorial service, and not at home. Maybe he just didn’t want me to see him cry. Maybe he wanted me to think he was strong for both of us. But that’s not what was happening. I was living with a body snatcher during that time. Not only had my dad been replaced, but all the love and warmth normally present in our house had been replaced with a feeling so cold it could only be alien.
I continue, “He was also quiet during the two-and-half-mile hike up to Rattlesnake Ledge. At least he carried her urn in the backpack so I didn’t have to bear the weight.” I was already bearing the emotional weight for us both, though.
I shift next to Liam and feel pebbles move under my feet. “When we reached the top, Dad finally spoke for the first time, asking how we should spread her ashes.” His voice was monotone, and his hands shook as he unzipped the backpack which was the only sign he was feeling anything.
“That was the first time he looked at me, almost like he was surprised to see me standing in front of him. It was only for a moment, but I saw it. The pain he was trying to hide. So, I offered to do it.”
Liam’s eyebrows raise. “Alone?”
My eyes briefly close. “I just wanted him to be okay. I figured I could take that one thing off his hands since he clearly didn’t want to be a part of it.”
“Still, I’m sorry you had to do that all alone.” His leg brushes against mine as he moves closer.
The sound of wind hisses along the slopes. “It’s okay. I’m just happy I didn’t screw it up.”
&n
bsp; “It does seem like a delicate task.”
When my loud laugh escapes, Liam jumps slightly. “Sorry. It’s just that, when Dad wasn’t around, Mom would find hilarious videos. These ‘spreading ashes gone wrong’ type situations.”
He looks at me bewildered. “What?”
Liam’s expression makes me laugh again. “Yes, those videos exist. And yes, Mom had a strange sense of humor. I think she just didn’t want us to be sad. Those last few months, when she was feeling well enough, she would try anything to make me smile. At first, I had your same reaction, almost offended. But then I realized what she was trying to do. Plus, it’s hard to watch some of those videos and not laugh.”
“She sounds remarkable.”
“She really was.” I feel myself start to miss her, so I add, “Anyway, when spreading her ashes went perfectly, it made me smile in that moment. Like she could hear me say, ‘See Mom, I will not end up in a viral video.’”
If Mom had been there, she would have said it was a perfect day. The sun was shining brightly on the turquoise lake below since only a few puffy white clouds were in the sky. I took the top off her urn and tried not to overthink it. This wasn’t her, and there was no perfect way to spread ashes. Not that she ever cared about things being perfect.
As I gently tipped the urn over, I was grateful for the gust of wind that carried the ashes away from me. I set the empty urn down but kept my eyes on the wind as it continued to spread Mom’s ashes along the Cascade Mountains and further down towards the lake. It was as if the wind knew what an honor it had been given that day. I wrapped my arms around my body and smiled. I stood there until there wasn’t a single ash in sight.
Liam puts his arm around my shoulders as we continue to take in the view. I lean my head against him and decide I never want to leave. "Do you remember the first time you came here?" I ask.
Liam nods. "Mum brought me when I was twelve. I remember therapy had been rough that week. We were on the way to one of my sessions, when she made a detour and drove here instead." His fingers tighten around my shoulder. "I was still angry and out of breath by the time we made it to this point. When I took all this in, I just completely lost it. I can't even explain it. I don't know how long I cried into her shoulder, but she just kept holding me."
He doesn't have to explain because I completely understand how this place could make you feel that way. I put my arm around his waist. "I hate that this feeling will go away when we leave."
He brushes some hair away from my face and meets my eyes. "I don't think it does. I think it becomes a part of you. It changes you when you might not even realize it. Just like meeting you, Avery."
My heart speeds up. "What do you mean?"
He turns towards me and holds my hands. "I know you're leaving in a few weeks, but I don't want this to end." He motions between us. "We just found each other again. Don't you think that means something?"
I can't look at him, so I look out at the view. "Even if it does mean something, what kind of relationship could we even have?"
He kicks at a few pebbles with his shoe. We watch them roll down the ledge until they’re no longer visible. "I'm not saying it will be easy, but I say we at least try."
I finally meet his gaze again. "As you said, I'm still here for a few more weeks. Maybe we shouldn't worry about it right now." I know it isn't the answer he wants, though.
He only nods and then pulls me closer. As his arms tighten around me, just like witnessing this incredible view, I try to hold on to the feeling of being surrounded by Liam.
When Rob ditches his shoes and walks barefoot along the rocky ledge, I take out my camera for the first time assuming he’s going to do something crazy. As he abruptly stops and throws his arms wide, I get the perfect shot. But when he throws back his head and yells at the top of his lungs, I slowly lower my camera. The sound coming from him is a mixture of agony and relief. I can’t tell which one wins, though.
I look over at Liam who’s frowning as he watches his friend.
But Rob simply hops off the rocks as if his outburst was normal. Maybe it was normal for him. Emily sits down next to him as he puts his shoes back on so Liam and I walk a few feet away to give them privacy.
Before we move on, I get in a few more shots —okay, way more than a few. I wish more than anything Meme could see this view, but I take a video for her instead.
The hike back down to the same parking lot is much easier, but I notice Emily bends down and rubs her lower leg as we wait on our ride.
"Let me," Rob says while squatting down.
"You okay?" I ask her.
She has her eyes closed as Rob massages her calf. "Just a little muscle spasm. I was diagnosed with MS when I was fourteen, so I have these episodes sometimes." She delivers the news nonchalantly, so I try not to make a big deal out of my reaction either.
"That new medicine they switched you to might as well be a placebo," Rob complains.
Emily waves off his comment. "It's fine. Did the Lake District meet all your expectations, Avery?"
"The gingerbread alone was worth the trip," I reply, still somewhat distracted by her confession.
She laughs. "We'll all know what to mail you when you get back home."
I can feel Liam's gaze on me, but I just say, "I'll never turn away treats."
The more time I spend with Liam and his friends, who are quickly becoming my friends, the more I begin to dread the day I’ll go home. My plan to come to another country just to take photographs is slowly beginning to unravel as each new picture focuses on the face of someone I care about.
Chapter Fifteen
Avery
The entire far-reaching city skyline of Oxford is in front of me as I continue taking photograph after photograph. South Park has quickly become one of my favorite places to just be. As usual, the weather is overcast, but rays of sunshine manage to break through some of the clouds as I sit on a blanket while trying to capture a perfect panoramic view of the city.
"All I had to do was follow the sound of your camera. It's like a bell on a collar."
I look back to see Katherine putting a canvas bag near the blanket before she sits down next to me.
"Thanks for basically comparing me to a domestic animal," I reply.
She pretends to be insulted. "And to think I brought you a cinnamon scone from our favorite coffee shop."
My gaze zeroes in on her bag, and my stomach growls. I tend to lose track of time when I have a camera around my neck. "Meow?"
Katherine rolls her eyes. "Like I would let you go hungry. How long have you been out here anyway?" She hands me a paper bag, and the faint smell of cinnamon wafts towards me.
I shrug before digging in. "Probably too long." After devouring the scone, I feel the soft give of grass as I stretch out on the blanket.
Katherine joins me. "You got in late last night. How was hiking?"
I laugh at how she says hiking as if it’s something disgusting. "There really are no words. You would have to see it for yourself."
"Hard pass." She searches through her bag and pulls out a pair of oversized sunglasses.
"Liam wants to try long distance," I admit. I’ve thought of little else since yesterday, but I still don’t see how it can work.
Katherine confirms my thoughts when she says, "Long distance relationships are the worst. "
I nod in agreement. "It's more than that, though. He seems so sure about everything."
"You mean sure about the two of you?"
It takes me a moment to find the right way to word my feelings. "Do you think a person can lift you up and bring you down at the same time?"
"I think a person can make you feel all kinds of conflicting things."
"He's been through so much but seems to have life all figured out. It makes me feel stupid for all my issues."
Katherine pushes her sunglasses down to look at me. "It seems like the issue is more you than him, Avery," she says frankly. There’s nothing like a nice dose of honest
y delivered from Katherine, and I know she’s one hundred percent correct.
"I may be on your team, but I still feel a little bad for Liam. He's under-water diving in this thing between you two, and you're barely sticking your little toe in."
"Hey, now. I think at least one of my feet is completely submerged." Maybe. No, definitely. "Better than drowning," I argue.
She moves her sunglasses back over her eyes. "If you say so."
I roll over on my stomach and begin picking at the grass. "I think we should focus on Eric, instead."
Katherine immediately laughs. "Eric as a diversion? Sure, let's do that."
"Well, you guys have been spending a lot of time together."
She rolls over, too. "Eric is fun. We're the same."
"Meaning?" I force myself to stop murdering blades of grass and almost look around for one of those porters before remembering this is not Oxford University grass.
"Meaning, we don't even put our little toes in the water. Besides, we're just friends."
I repeat her words. "If you say so."
A dragonfly lands on my finger, and I hold my hand completely still. "It's just too scary to dive right in like Liam. Maybe it would be different if I were staying here."
"Hey, I completely get it. Trinity may be a hopeless romantic, but I'm definitely not," Katherine says. "I'm just afraid you may not realize how you really feel until it's too late."
I bury my face in my arms. "Ugh! This sucks so much!" I lift my face back up. "I still blame this on Trinity and her sixth sense."
Katherine laughs. "Pretty sure Trinity wasn't around when you two met in NYC. That sounds more like—”
"If you're about to say fate, please stop," I beg.
"Destiny," she finishes and then grins at me.
I lay my head back down ignoring her choice of synonym. Beams of warm sunlight shining on my face could have lulled me into a nice nap except Katherine's phone keeps pinging with incoming texts.
The sound of grass crunching makes me open my eyes again to see Lei standing over us.
Please Stay for Me (The Brotherhood Series) Page 9