by Louise Hall
Cate was equally mesmerised by their little girl. “We’re OK, thanks for all your help, Liv.”
The front door closed quietly behind Liv and for the first time it was just the three of them. Just as Liv had predicted, Lola settled down as soon as she was back in Cate’s arms.
“She’s definitely going to be a mummy’s girl,” Kian marvelled.
“We’ll see.”
In the early hours of the morning, Kian woke up with a start. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to wake you,” Cate said softly. She lay down beside him and intertwined their fingers.
Her skin was cold and Kian realised that she’d been up with Lola. “I want you to always wake me up,” he said seriously.
Cate laughed, “you won’t be saying that when you’ve got a game the next day.”
He threw back the covers and swung his legs out of bed. “Where are you going now?” Cate asked.
“Go back to sleep, angel,” he brushed his lips against her forehead. “I’m just going to check on our girl.”
Cate rolled her eyes but she thought it was adorable that he wanted to be such a hands-on father. She snuggled down under the covers and drifted back off to sleep.
Kian stood at the side of Lola’s cot. She was asleep but the pink blanket had fallen down and it was still early in the year so he didn’t want her to get cold. As he reached down to pull the blanket back up to her tiny shoulders, she opened her eyes. He knew that she probably couldn’t recognise much yet but she didn’t cry. She just looked up at him and his heart once again felt like it was too big for his chest.
He stood there, watching for a moment, waiting for her to go back to sleep. When she whimpered a little, he lifted her up and cradled her to his chest. She was so tiny and fragile. He walked across to the rocking chair that Ben and Erin had given them and sat down. “It’s OK, Daddy’s here,” he said softly as she nuzzled against his t-shirt, “please don’t wake Mummy. She needs to rest. She had to work really hard to make sure that you came into the world safely.”
He hated that he hadn’t been there for them, that he’d been playing football when Cate had collapsed and he’d only found out afterwards when she was in surgery.
Lola settled against him, her little body becoming heavier as she fell asleep. “I know you’re going to be a mummy’s girl and that’s OK.” He stroked his fingertips over her soft, inky-black hair. The first time he’d ever seen Cate, she’d been a little younger than Lola was now. She’d been born on the same day as his sister, Sinead and their mums were in neighbouring hospital beds. “You look so much like her already. I promise that I’m going to be the best daddy I can be. I love you so much, little one. I’m going to make sure nothing bad ever happens to you.”
Saturday February 23rd
Kian stood in front of the bathroom sink with a towel wrapped around his hips and brushed his teeth. The hotel he was staying at now was OK but it wasn’t home. He looked at the black tiles in the shower cubicle. The staff at reception must have thought that he was a total freak when he’d asked what colour the bathroom tiles were before he checked in.
His pain pills were at the side of the sink but even though his ribs were hurting, he hadn’t taken any that morning and he wasn’t going to. They made him feel drowsy and he had plans for today – Lola had a football game.
Cate had absolutely done the right thing when she’d asked him to leave. It was safer for her and the children if he stayed at a hotel but like an addict craving a fix, he needed to see them.
After he’d got dressed in black jeans and a black wool jumper, he scooped up his car keys from the small bedside table.
When he arrived at the sports complex, Lola’s game had already kicked off. He knew that Cate had told Sierra and Mateo that he was on a business trip so it was really important that they didn’t see him there. He’d parked the Tank a couple of blocks away instead of in the car park and while the rest of the families were sitting up in the white bleachers, he lurked in the shadows at the side.
He loved watching his daughter play football. She was so talented but even more than that, she possessed the one thing that he’d never had, she was passionate about the game. Like the cliché, she lived and breathed football. It was yet another reason why he couldn’t allow the truth about what he’d done to be revealed.
The teams had just kicked off for the second half when Cate must have sensed that he was there. “Fuck,” he cursed that invisible string that even now still linked them so intrinsically together.
“You can’t be here,” she looked so panicked. “What if they see you? They think you’re on a business trip somewhere.”
“Please just let me stay for a few more minutes,” he begged. “I promise I’ll leave before the final whistle.”
She looked so conflicted. “They’re so mixed up right now. For the last two nights, they’ve been sleeping in bed with me.”
“I’m sorry.” Even to Kian, his words sounded hollow.
“I know,” Cate sighed. She leaned back against the side of the bleachers. “I’m just so tired. I want to do what’s right for you and what’s right for them.”
“It’s OK,” he sagged. He didn’t want to make this any more difficult for Cate than it already was. He turned and walked back towards the car park. He could feel her watching him and it was torture; he had to keep reminding himself about who he was now and why he couldn’t just run back to her and scoop her up in his arms and kiss every inch of that beautiful face. His kisses were so toxic now that they would destroy her just as easily as battery acid.
He heard cheers coming from behind him but he couldn’t turn around to see which team had scored. As he trudged back to his car, he looked up at the skies for a moment and wondered when the Gods would decide that he’d suffered enough to pay for what he’d done.
Sunday February 24th
“Ugh,” Cate slumped over the kitchen counter. She desperately needed a caffeine fix that morning. She’d hardly slept at all again the previous night.
It didn’t help that she’d had all three children in bed with her since Mateo had decided yesterday that he didn’t want to sleep in his own bed either. The bed was big but it wasn’t that big. She loved her children but if they weren’t sniffling, they were wriggling or mumbling in their sleep and twice she’d had to cling to the edge of the mattress just to keep from falling out.
She knew that it wasn’t healthy for them – they should be secure enough to want to sleep in their own beds - but she was expending all her energy on just getting through each day.
The doorbell rang and Cate reluctantly lifted up her head and looked at the clock on the oven. It was still early.
The coffee hadn’t finished brewing yet so she stumbled towards the front door.
It was Ben. She had to remind herself that it would be really wrong to shut the door in her brother’s face. Plus, he was so annoying that he’d probably just keep ringing the doorbell until she eventually let him in.
“Morning,” he said cheerily, following Cate through to the kitchen.
“Mm.” If she was going to put on her happy face, she really needed that coffee.
She poured herself a cup and then turned to Ben, “do you want one?”
“That would be great, thanks.” He hopped up on to one of the stools at the kitchen counter. “I wasn’t sure if you’d be home. Don’t you usually go to church on Sundays?”
“We’re taking a break this week,” Cate shrugged. “You know with Kian’s accident and all?”
“Is he awake yet?” Ben asked. “I know I said that he mustn’t think about work while he’s recovering from his injuries but I really need to get his signature on these papers. It’s kind of urgent.”
“Damn it,” Cate muttered under her breath. She just could not catch a break right now.
“Actually, he’s…”
“Hey Uncle Ben,” Mateo pulled open the refrigerator door. “What are you doing here so early?”
“There’s no rest
for the wicked,” Ben chuckled, ruffling his nephew’s hair. “I came to see your dad.”
Mateo looked confused, “Dad’s not here. He’s on a business trip.” He looked at Cate for confirmation. “Right, Mama?”
Fortunately, Ben broke the really awkward silence. “That’s right. Ugh, I’m such an idiot,” he slapped his hand to his forehead. “I totally forgot.”
Mateo took a swig of orange juice straight from the carton and then put it back in the refrigerator, “I’m going back to bed. I really hope that Sierra’s stopped snoring.”
After he’d gone upstairs, Ben narrowed his eyes at Cate. “What’s going on?”
Cate turned her back on him, focusing all of her attention on rinsing out her empty coffee cup in the sink. “It’s really no big deal.”
“What did he do?”
“Nothing. It’s not like that.”
“Where is he then?” Ben dropped his voice to a whisper. “He’s not on a business trip, Cate.”
“I know. He’s staying at a hotel near the office.” She scribbled down the address and handed it to him. “I’m giving you this but you’ve got to promise that you’re not going to go storming over there and get angry with him. He’s still got three broken ribs, Ben.”
He raised an eyebrow, “is there any particular reason that I should be angry with him?”
“No,” she put her head in her hands. “He didn’t do anything and I didn’t do anything so there’s no need for you to pick sides in this. We’re just having some problems.”
After Ben had gone, Cate poured herself another cup of coffee. She looked down at the black liquid sloshing about in her white mug and couldn’t decide if it was monster or angel?
When she was decaffeinated, she was so physically exhausted that she could barely keep herself upright, never mind plaster on the fake happy face that her children needed but on the flip-side, her thoughts were blessedly muted too.
But when she was caffeinated, although physically she might feel like a warrior who could take on the world, her stupid thoughts went at warp speed too.
She took another gulp, feeling the hot coffee burn its way down the back of her throat. The fresh burst of caffeine flowed through her bloodstream and she almost resented it for making her feel more human again. She had three children upstairs who needed her to be their mum right now. As much as she might want to, she didn’t have the luxury of just crawling back into bed and hibernating under the duvet.
There were so many thoughts zinging around inside her skull right now. She just wanted to do the right thing. It sounded so ridiculously simple but the right thing for whom?
She knew what she wanted. Even if he wasn’t currently behaving like the same man she’d married over a decade ago, she still wanted to be with Kian. Despite how easily he’d left, she still felt that deep down that’s what he wanted too. For a brief moment yesterday, when she’d asked him to leave the sports complex during Lola’s football game, he’d let down the guard he’d had up since he came home from the hospital and she’d seen the hurt whip through his dark eyes. Yet again she wondered why he seemed so hell-bent on pushing her away.
But even if being together was right for both her and Kian, it wasn’t necessarily what was right for the children. She thought about them, upstairs right now, so anxious that they couldn’t sleep in their own beds. They’d caused that, her and Kian, by being so selfish that they’d let their personal problems threaten the comfort and security of their children.
Would it be better for the children if Kian came home, if they went back to the flimsy charade of being a happy family again? But how many nights could Cate spend in a cold, empty bed or even worse, sleeping next to a stranger before she would crack?
Ugh, she really couldn’t understand why Lola was so insistent that she didn’t want to be treated like a child anymore. Being a grown-up was so freaking hard sometimes. Cate wanted to plead with her daughter to stay a child as long as possible.
She wished that she could be a little girl again and her mum could tell her what to do.
She wandered across to the glass doors which led from the lounge out on to the wooden porch at the back of the house. Her eyes drifted upwards from the sparkling waters of Puget Sound to the clear blue skies above.
But maybe there was somebody, or something, who could tell her what to do.
She rushed back into the kitchen and checked the digital clock above the oven. There was still time if they wanted to go to church that morning.
She poured the rest of her coffee down the sink and went upstairs.
The first time that she’d ever set foot inside the Holy Trinity Church in Seattle, straight away it had felt like coming home.
She’d driven past it so many times on her way to dropping Lola off at school and although she hadn’t felt confident enough to venture inside until after Sierra was born and her depression had finally begun to wane, she’d always been intrigued by the bright-red door which had seemed so incongruous against the pale stone building.
They might have grumbled when she’d first got them out of bed but the children seemed much happier now that they were with their friends.
She left them in the front lobby under the watchful eye of Maggie, one of the Sunday school teachers.
She walked down the centre aisle, her heels sinking into the plush red carpet. The music group were gently warming up their instruments. The morning sunlight shone beautifully through the large, circular stained-glass windows at the front of the church. She stood for a moment, savouring the peace and tranquillity. Her soul felt lighter even just being here.
There were still a few minutes before the service was due to start. There was an empty row about halfway back on the right hand side. As she walked along, Cate ran her hand over the back of the pew in front. The dark wood gleamed, smoothed down over the years by hundreds of hands doing the same thing as Cate’s were.
It was lovely and warm inside the church so she shrugged off her long, black coat and spread it across the pew to save four spaces for her and the children.
She removed the faded, red cushion from the shelf in front and placed it on the stone floor. She knelt down, respectfully bent her head and closed her eyes. She clasped her hands together and everything else just faded away.
After thanking God for her blessings, she prayed for guidance as to what to do about her marriage and family.
When she’d finished, it was almost time for the service to start and the children reluctantly left their friends and came and joined her on the wooden pew. Eric and Luke were sat just a couple of rows in front of them and Heidi and Diego were across the aisle.
After the service had finished, the children quickly ran off to join their friends again but Cate stayed for a moment in the empty pew. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed.
Holy Trinity was the perfect blend of modern and traditional. They still sang the same hymns that she remembered so fondly from her childhood but they were progressive enough that the congregation included a wide variety of people including same-sex couples like Eric and Nate, several women who worked at the nearby Planned Parenthood and even a scary-looking guy with a tattoo that covered the entire left side of his face.
She usually enjoyed listening to the sermon each week but today, none of it had particularly spoken to her.
She felt foolish that she’d expected such an immediate response to her prayer. She knew that praying wasn’t like going to a fast food restaurant. You couldn’t just place your order with God, wait a couple of minutes and then poof there it was, whatever you’d asked for, served up on a sticky, brown tray.
But when she’d come here today, she’d had hope. She’d wanted to feel like even though Kian had left and she couldn’t talk to her friends and family about what had really happened between them, that she wasn’t alone.
But she didn’t feel any clearer about what she should do about Kian and the children than she had when s
he’d walked into the church earlier.
Kian came in after the service had started and sat quietly in the very back row of the city centre church.
He’d never been religious. He might have gone to church with his family as a young boy but after… How could you possibly believe in God, how could you listen to somebody preach about his glorious love and forgiveness, when you’d witnessed some of the horrors that human beings could inflict on each other? The Reverend said that God loved the world so much that he gave his only son to die on a cross. Did he not see what was really happening down here? They weren’t worthy of such a sacrifice.
He’d woken up in the middle of the night and for a brief, blissful moment he’d thought that he was back at home, curled up in bed with his beautiful wife, his children sleeping peacefully in their beds down the hallway, his demons safely locked up in a box.
When he’d opened his eyes fully and realised that he was actually in a hotel room on his own, he’d felt so fucking angry. It might have just been a fantasy but it had felt so real. It felt like the intoxicating scent of Cate’s blackberry shampoo still lingered in the cool air and the feel of her delicate curves ghosted across his bare skin.
He’d looked down at the erection tenting the bedsheets. The last time he’d allowed himself to climax had been that night at the Chatsfield. It might have relieved some of the tension but jerking off and coming on his stomach didn’t seem very appealing when the last time he’d come he’d been fully sheathed inside his wife.
His first thought was that he needed to drink, fuck or beat the crap out of something. Fucking was out; if he couldn’t have Cate, he didn’t want even his own hand. He couldn’t beat the crap out of something unless he wanted to drag her down to the hospital again because he still had three broken ribs. No, she’d spent enough time worrying about his stupid ass.
Even drinking was losing its allure. When he was drunk it was great, he could laugh in the ugly, twisted faces of his demons. It was the next morning when he had to pay the hefty price for that brief respite. He already felt like shit 99.9% of the day without adding a brutal hangover into the mix.