by Krane, Kasey
“I’m starting to realize that being with you, loving you, doesn’t mean I have to give up my independence. It isn’t claustrophobic - it’s freeing. And I never thought I’d feel that way in a million years.
“Judge Michaelson, I love you with all of my heart, and I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to give up Deming, or, even,” the slightest pause, “the Dead Legion.”
I moved forward then, to kiss her, and she held up her hand to stop me. “I should tell you that I spent many years hating the Dead Legion. And hating Bishop. Now that I’m here again and not, you know, a teenager, I can see what they mean to you. I would never ask you to give them up, just like you’d never ask me to give up teaching, even if the pay is shit and the hours during the school year are asinine.
“But I’ll admit that it’s going to take me a bit to wrap my head around the Dead Legion and what part they’re going to play in your life. I’m going to have to share you with them, and damn, that’s hard. But I couldn’t truly love you and then ask you to be miserable because of me. That isn’t love. That’s selfishness.”
I stroked her hair back, watching her freckles on her nose crinkle as she smiled at me and I knew that I would do anything in the whole wide world for this woman who was made for me. I leaned over and kissed her and she moaned into my open mouth and my dick jumped in response to the sexy sound. Oh fucking God above, I cannot wait to get back to the house to make love to her. I cannot.
I gently guided her down on her back, trying to keep her body on the blanket and out of the sand, and began kissing my way up her belly, soft and tan and gorgeous. As I nipped my way up her stomach, I looked up at her and grinned. “I don’t think I’ll ever—”
And then I saw it. Coiled. Tongue flicking. Just past Carmen’s head. We stared at each other for a moment and I knew that if I told Carmen how close a snake was to her head, she’d scream or pass out or become hysterical and none of those reactions were useful so I had to pretend nothing was wrong but I had to get her away from it.
Right.
Fucking.
Now.
I smoothed her shirt back down her belly and said lightly, “I don’t know if fucking on a thin blanket like this is really a good idea. Why don’t we pack up and head back right now and have fun when we get home?” I was pulling her up into a sitting position - away from the flicking tongue - and then standing her up and brushing her off and quickly gathering up their things and stuffing it all into the backpack.
“Wha—what?” Carmen stuttered. She was staring at me as if I’d lost his mind. “Is everything okay?”
“Of course!” I assured her brightly. “All right, I’ve got everything! Let’s go! This time, I’ll follow you.” I gestured in front of me so she could take the lead and she looked at me as she walked past, total confusion with a hint of anger mixed in evident on her face.
“I don’t really understand what the hurry is,” she said, a little pissy. And I didn’t blame her but I fucking couldn’t tell her what was going on, not while the snake was still in view.
“It’s getting hotter!” I said, as if this was an announcement that would come as a complete surprise to her. “Also, we should go let Turbo out.”
We walked out of the oasis and around the bend and like a light switch had been flipped, we were back to the browns and tans of the desert. We hiked for a minute in silence, Carmen’s shoulders tightening up with every step and I knew she was getting angrier by the moment. Finally, we came to a curve in the path where a rock face lent them some shade and I stopped and reached my arm out and grabbed hers.
“Carmen, wait, I—”
“You know,” she cut me off angrily, “they say women are the ones with mood swings, but God almighty, I’m starting to think you’re trying to prove them wrong. I thought we were about to, you know, have sex, and then you’re dragging me off down the mountain side. There’s either something wrong, or there’s something wrong with you. Tell me right now which one it is, because if I’ve fallen in love with a crazy man, I want to know right now. And don’t you dare try to bullshit me.” She crossed her arms defiantly and stared at him, jaw clenched. He got the impression that she was just barely restraining herself from punching him in the eye.
“There was a…there was a snake back there. Right next to your head. It was coiled up.” Color drained from her face and she just stared at me. “I knew I couldn’t tell you, so I dragged you away. I’m sorry if I pissed you off, but it was right there,” I gestured up past her right ear and she was as white as a sheet and I knew I needed to stop describing the snake before she passed out on me, “and I couldn’t risk telling you what was going on.”
She leaned against the rock wall, silent, trembling, and neither of us moved a muscle while she thought through it all. She finally looked at me and whispered, “I’m sorry, Judge. I shouldn’t have gotten angry. I shouldn’t have doubted you. I knew something was wrong and I didn’t like that you were hiding it from me, but you’re right, telling me would’ve been the very last thing in the world that would’ve helped.
We stood there for countless hours or days or minutes, I really couldn’t tell, until she straightened up. “I feel much better,” she said with a small smile. “You ready to go home for real this time?”
I reached out and took her hand as we walked down the path and out of the shade of the rock cliff. “Well, I’m sure Turbo would appreciate it if we came home and let him out,” I said and grinned at her. “Poor boy hates being left behind, but I don’t think he could’ve made it up this mountain.”
“Sometimes, I look at him and all I can see is his adorable puppy face and giant paws. I knew you were in for it when you brought him home with dinner-plate-sized paws.”
“When paying for his dog food, I do have to wonder if I should’ve adopted a smaller dog,” I agreed with a grin as we headed down the hill, legs burning from the strain. “After you left the first time, I swear to God, Turbo moped for weeks. I think he missed you almost as much as I did.”
She turned and smiled back at me. “Well, at least the leg of your favorite chair is safe from attack. You can’t get rid of me now.”
I looked at her back as she trotted happily down the hill, wild curly hair swinging with every stride, and swore to myself that I would never give Carmen a reason to doubt her trust in me.
I was going to make her the happiest woman alive, or die trying.
21
Carmen
The next couple of days passed in a happy blur. We worked on the house together, and I even went with Judge to the clubhouse to sort out a cargo issue. The other Dead Legion were respectful, if not overly friendly, and I knew that it would take some time for them to trust me, just like it would take me time to truly accept that part of Judge’s world. In high school, it’d been easy to ignore it, dismiss it, and I realized that this hadn’t been fair to Judge. I truly couldn’t claim to love Judge if I didn’t also love his MC and the biker lifestyle.
After breakfast one morning, the doorbell rang and as usual, Judge checked his phone for contact from the Carmen Devil guards outside who were still watching over us. I tried not to laugh - I doubted the Sangre would be so kind as to ring the doorbell if they were coming to kill me - but I appreciated him looking out for me anyway. Satisfied that there were no messages and the person on the front porch must be a friend, he headed for the front door, Turbo on his heels. Any visitor was a potential petter, and Turbo wanted to be available, just in case.
But before Judge even got to the door, it burst open. “Old man, you took so long to get to the door, I thought maybe you’d fallen asleep in your easy chair!” Bishop heckled Judge, and my shoulders relaxed. The door opening before Judge got there had worried me for a moment. I slid off the swing-out chair in the kitchen and headed down the hallway to the foyer.
“Hi Jules!” I said happily when I saw her standing next to Bishop.
“Carmen!” Jules squealed. “Carmen, I have to show you something.” A
nd then she began waving her arm around in the air and I had to duck to avoid getting whacked and Bishop started laughing.
“Darlin', maybe Carmen could look a little closer if you weren’t hitting her upside the head with it.”
It? I leaned over and oh fucking Lord, there was the largest rock I had ever seen on Jules’s left ring finger.
“You got engaged?!” I squealed and we danced around, hugging each other, as Bishop and Judge stood off to the side, a little unsure as to how to deal with squealing females. I looked up at Judge, catching his eye, and thought, Someday, this is gonna be us.
As if he could hear my thoughts, he winked at me and I felt the heat rise in my cheeks. I looked down at Jules’s ring again, trying to follow along as Jules outlined every minute detail of the admittedly gorgeous ring. I didn’t have a clue what clarity or inclusions or cut meant though, so Jules’s explanation was sailing right over my head.
“So the guys have to go do MC stuff, so I thought you and I could look at wedding magazines,” Jules said, and rifling through her purse, she pulled out three wedding magazines. “Wanna help me pick out a dress?”
Bishop’s grin widened and he said, “I think that’s our cue to get the hell outta Dodge, Judge. Ready to go talk to the Deming police? I was hoping we could see if they had any more…questionable leads that we could follow up on that they weren’t necessarily equipped for.”
“Let me grab my cut,” Judge said and then as he passed me on the way back out the door, he pulled me in for a kiss. “I love you, Miss Carmen,” he murmured into my ear, and I pulled back and stared up into his gorgeous face. “I love you too, baby,” I murmured. We kissed for a little longer until, sadly, Bishop dragged Judge out the door with him, leaving Jules and me behind.
We snuggled down on the couch in the living room and began going through the magazines, ripping out pictures of dresses that would flatter Jules’s lush figure and discussing potential venues for the wedding.
“God, I can’t believe this is happening,” Jules said happily. “When Bishop and I met, I wasn’t sure we were both going to live through the experience. He was such an ass at the Phoenix Airport that first day!
“And then, when I found out about the Sangre and the gun deal, I couldn’t believe that Bishop had been a part of it.” She shook her head in disgust, and I froze, my hand in mid-flip.
“What?!” I said and my voice was breathy and not quite even and the words kept rolling around in my mind, “Sangre and the gun deal,” but surely I had heard Jules wrong.
Surely.
“Well yeah, that’s what was going on when I first got here. It’s why Ghost was trying to get rid of me.” Jules looked at me curiously, and I could see it on her face - Jules thought I knew all about…this. Whatever it was she was telling me. Whatever it was that had happened before I had come back home.
Whatever it was that Judge had most certainly not said a word about.
“Ghost Whitson?” I said quietly. My mind was whirling and I was having a hard time breathing.
“Yeah, did you know him?” Jules asked.
“He’s a real bastard - I can’t stand him. We graduated together - Bishop and Judge and me and Ghost. All the same year. I’d thought he’d moved away or something.” I knew I was rambling. I had to shut up.
“Oh no,” Jules said, confused. “Ghost was the president of the Dead Legion when I came out here. That’s why I was here, actually. Dan, my boss, he’d had a cJudge on Ghost for years back in high school and had thought that Ghost would make a great person to interview about what it’s like to be in a motorcycle club for Blush Magazine.”
“Tell me everything,” I said, my voice hollow. I couldn’t cry, not yet. I had to let Jules tell me the whole story, and then I could cry. Once I knew everything.
But not until then.
“Well…” Jules said, obviously confused about where this was going but trying to please me, “I came here to interview Ghost but like you said, he was a real bastard. I figured out halfway through my trip that the Dead Legion and the Sangre had a gun deal - the Dead Legion were going to sell a shit ton of guns to the Sangre right after I was scheduled to leave. So I pretended to get on an airplane, came back to Deming in a rental car, and talked Bishop into listening to me. He hadn’t realized that the Sangre were going to use the guns to kidnap your students, of course, and once he realized what was going on, a lot of the Dead Legion fought back. Ghost is—”
The door opened and in walked Judge and Bishop.
“—dead,” Jules finished simply.
Something snapped inside of me. Something snapped and I saw red and I stood up from the couch just as Judge walked in, a greeting on his lips. I reached down and grabbed my shoes that I had kicked off when I’d been looking at wedding magazines with Jules and daydreaming about marrying Judge someday. Surely that hadn’t just been fifteen minutes ago that I had been having that daydream because I felt like I’d aged 50 years and I fucking threw my shoe at his goddamn motherfucking piece of shit head and started swearing as I picked the other one up and threw it just as hard. He dodged instinctively as he held his hands up defensively and the mirror behind him shattered and Jules was crying and Bishop was picking her up and carrying her out of the house as Jules was yelling, “I caused this, I can’t leave!” but I couldn’t even spare her a glance as she left because all of my being was focused on this—
“Goddamn motherfucking piece of shit!” I yelled and the words were pouring out now. “You were going to sell the guns to the Sangre?! The Sangre who then kidnapped my students at gun point and then shot me?!” I looked around the living room for something else to throw and Turbo whined and crawled underneath the couch, lifting up one end into the air as he shoved his old bones under it and I couldn’t get myself to care because something had just broken inside of me.
Broken into a little million pieces, just like the mirror.
I spotted the bookcase and grabbed a thick tome off it and swung around, glaring wildly at Judge.
“How could you?!?!” I yelled and I threw the book at him but it opened and caught the air currents from the AC and dropped harmlessly to the ground.
Fuck!
“Carmen, I’m sorry!” Judge held out his hands to me, pleadingly. “Just let me tell you what happened.”
“I know what happened!” I hollered back, and a part of me, a small part deep down couldn’t believe I was actually yelling like this. Was actually this angry. I didn’t get angry, at least not very often, and certainly not like this.
But this was a betrayal of the deepest kind, the sort of betrayal that was unthinkable.
Unbelievable.
“Ghost was the president of the Dead Legion,” I said, listing the items off on my fingers like I was making a grocery list instead of a list of the absolute worst facts I could think of. “You, as a member of the Dead Legion, voted yes when he asked at the table if you wanted to sell guns to the Sangre. Am I right so far?”
Judge gave one jerky nod of the head, his jaw clenched.
“You did it because Bishop said yes, and you Always. Fucking. Do. What. Bishop. Wants!” I slammed my fist into the palm of my hand with every word, advancing on him, white-hot anger boiling up in me. “Then, when Bishop decided that it wasn’t okay for you to go through with the deal, you backed him in that decision too, right?”
Judge gave another jerky nod of the head.
“No wonder you fucking love dogs,” I spat out disgustedly, eye to eye with him. “You’ve never been anything but Bishop’s lapdog. You’ve never told him no. He wanted you to stay here after high school? Done. He wanted you to vote to sell guns to the Sangre? Done. He wanted to you fight against Ghost? Done.
“I can’t love a fucking lapdog.”
I turned away from him in disgust, and he said, his voice breaking, “Carmen, I didn’t know. We didn’t know what the Sangre were going to do with the guns. And we never sold them anything - we backed out before it happened.”
&n
bsp; I turned back to him and said scornfully, “Because someone else told you to. Someone else actually did some fucking research and thought for themselves. You never did, not once.
“I’m going for a walk. I have to get out of this house. Don’t you dare send anyone after me. I swear to God, if I see a Carmen Devil trailing me, I’ll call the police and report him for stalking me.”
I walked out of the house and slammed the door so hard behind me I heard a wall hanging crash to the floor behind me.
I took off running. I had to think.
I had to get away.
22
Judge
I pulled out my phone and dialed Tats’s number.
“Let her go,” I said as soon as Tats answered. “She needs to be alone for a while.”
“Are you sure, Judge?” Tats said, concern apparent in his voice. “She didn’t look like she was doing too good.”
“Yeah, I’m sure.” And then I hung up and slid down the wall and stared at Turbo who’d managed to worm his way back out from underneath the couch and began licking my face, worry evident in every movement he made.
“Yeah, boy, I’m worried too,” I said out loud, petting Turbo in long strokes, staring at nothing, unsure of everything. “I knew…I knew that if she ever found out, she’d be livid, but Turbo,” Turbo’s tail wagged faster at his name, “I didn’t know. I didn’t know she could get that angry. Even at our high school graduation when I picked the Dead Legion over her, she didn’t get like that.
“And goddammit, Turbo,” my voice broke, “I deserved it. Every minute of it. Every condemnation she made. I didn’t ask questions. I didn’t think. I didn’t want to know. Bishop and I…we buried our heads in the sand for a long time and I was happy to do it. I was happy to pretend that everything was okay.