by Levia Ortega
I already heard the ringing of the phone through the closed door, as I was about to open it. I hurried to get into the apartment. I quickly picked up the phone and told Chris everything I had found out. She was just as concerned as I was and we were trying to figure out how to continue. We came up with a plan. First, we would not tell Peg, because she would go search for that unknown lady, and then everyone would know. That would hurt Bea. We'd be watching Bea; if she was doing bad, we could get Carmen involved.
Then of course Chris asked me, how the rest of the evening had gone. Luckily, we were talking on the phone, or she would have seen my face blush and immediately would have known something had happened. I tried to sound as normal as possible.
"Bine had immediately disappeared in the bedroom, stamping and angry." There was silence on the phone and I could hear Chris' breathing. She cleared her throat. "Bine? Not Sabine?" she asked cautiously.
Damn it! "Yes, that's what I just said."
"No, you said Bine."
"No I didn't."
"Emilia!" she screamed. "She said Bine, didn't she?"
Oh damn! I heard a dull yes from a distance.
"See, you said Bine."
"Did you have me on speakerphone?"
"No."
"And how does Em know what I said?"
"When I asked you how the rest of the evening went, Emilia also wanted to know that, and she quickly came to the phone to listen. That was all."
"Chris, it's already late. I have hardly slept and am tired and drained. And I don't want to talk about it now."
"Barely slept?"
"I'll hang up now, Chris."
"Okay, okay. We'll see each other tomorrow in the office anyway." She hung up giggling.
I just wanted to go to bed and sleep. I stood on the doorstep of the bedroom and suddenly saw everything again before me as in a movie. As we staggered to the bed kissing and I was laying on her. How I took off her clothes and then my own. How I touched her, kissed her soft skin. How she laughed and nothing else mattered at the moment. It was only the two of us. With all the pictures that returned, one pointed out especially for me - how we were moving in compliance. I knew at that moment that I was not an experiment for her, not the way she had touched me.
But how should things go on now?
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to get a clear thought and chase away the nocturnal images. When my nose then felt the smell of her perfume, it was all too much for me. Even if I changed the sheets and so ban the smell, I could not do anything against the thoughts in my head. I turned on my heel and went to the couch.
Today I would not be able to sleep in my bed. Who knew when I would be able to do it?
Monday
Click, click.
Click, click.
Today I'll kill her!
Click, click.
Click, click.
Chris knows that makes me insane.
Click.
The second click was missing, I looked at Chris and only saw her curious eyes over the edge of the screen. I looked away again and devoted myself to my work.
A paper ball landed on my desk. I had the feeling of experiencing a Déjà-vu, but something was different. My eyes went back to Chris, who was staring at her screen.
I sighed loudly. A moment later a devoted: "Okay, what do you want to know?" followed. Chris's head shot up, and as she pushed her hands from the desk and rolled towards me with her chair, she said, "Everything! Just tell me everything."
She looked at me expectantly. "And do not leave anything out! Every little detail, especially from Saturday." Chris slapped her mouth. "Oh my God! You're blushing!"
I was so much annoyed about myself that I mentally made a note: Research on the Internet: how can I control not to constantly blush?
What should I tell her? Really everything? Or should I leave the decisive part out and lie to her?
After a long break that I needed because I did not know how to start, I felt Chris' hand on my shoulder. "Val, what happened?" Her voice was worried, and before I knew it, everything bubbled out of me. The evening, the kiss, what I felt. Just everything, this feeling when I kissed Bine, and how she kissed me. Chris listened, did not interrupt me once. After I finished with my statement, of course, not in the smallest detail, but already exactly enough, there was still silence.
"Tell me, is it possible that you are in love?"
I jumped up and looked at Chris angrily. "Don't be silly, I cannot stand Bine."
"Valerie, listen to me! And I dare you interrupting me." Wow, was my mother standing in front of me? How in the world did she master this mother's tone, which made one nod and did not tolerate any objections?
"Sit down!" At this announcement, Chris pointed her finger at the chair.
Obedient, because I was a good daughter, I sat down and didn't say anything.
"You have only been calling her Bine since Sunday, not a single time Sabine."
I wanted to open my mouth to protest against it, but Chris just shook her head.
"Emilia and I talked about it last night for a long time. Yes, Valerie, she is my partner and I share everything with her. So."
Chris leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Emilia has a theory that I agree with after a long thought. Listen carefully and let it go through your head. Think about it before you start arguing. I know that you are going to complain. We all know that you believe in the one, great love. The soul-mate, your better half. I have not believed in it myself, and have always tried to get you out of your dream world and bring your feet back to the ground. But I wanted to thank you for not having given up on me and remaining faithful to yourself. Because, as you know, I was taught better. And without you and your faith in love, I would have never made it, and I would now not have Emilia in my life."
I wanted to disagree with her quickly, tell her that even without my encouragement she would have gotten together with Emilia, for it had been fate for the two. But I was not allowed to say anything.
Chris had this dreamy expression, but as soon as it was there, it was gone again and she became serious again. "Can it be that you were so crazy in your wishful thinking that you manipulated yourself and did not see what was right in front of your eyes? Think about how you reacted when you first saw Sabine. Chasing a wishful thinking is much easier than facing reality. Perhaps you were too scared because it was there all of a sudden, and you were just unprepared for what you always dreamed of. But you locked yourself up right in this moment. On top of that, Sabine is straight, was, however now, and everyone knows how painful this can be.”
“I mean, look at how you both have reacted to each other. Don't you think that Sabine was also afraid of her own feelings? Perhaps she has fallen in love with you too and does not know how to deal with it? Have you ever thought about that?"
I did not even listen properly anymore. I did not want to hear all that, but for Chris's sake, I pretended to be an attentive listener.
"Both of you have tried everything not to get closer to each other, which apparently has not worked out. If it wasn't for you, I know that you would be one hundred percent convinced that this is all fate. But this is about you, your dream suddenly became a reality and that scares you now." An inquiring look from Chris in my direction. "And before you say anything now, please do some serious thinking now and don't forget the feeling when she kissed you."
I listened only with one ear and wanted to deal with it later. I had to let it all sink.
We spent the rest of the day silent. I could hardly concentrate on my work and Chris knew it. She greeted every customer who came in and took care of him. When we were standing in front of the locked door at the end of our work day, Chris asked me, "Would you like to see her again?"
Without thinking about it, I loudly affirmed this inwardly. My actual answer was more a stuttering, why I answered this way, is still a mystery to me until today: "I gave Mi
ri a note with my telephone number, which she is supposed to give to Bine. It is up to her to make a decision."
Chris hugged me briefly and whispered in my ear: "Give her time."
* * *
It was time to sleep in my own bed again. The first thing I did was to open all the windows and vigorously let some fresh air in. I changed the sheets and cleaned the whole apartment. I had the feeling that Bienes’ perfume had burnt into the apartment. After an hour of aerating and inhaling the cleanser odors, I no longer perceived Bienes’ perfume. Whether it was the effect of the vinegar cleaner, which constantly rose to my nose, I could not exactly say, but it helped.
In the evening I laid in bed and then began to think about what Chris had told me. Had I worked myself so much into my wishful thinking that I had manipulated myself and did not see what was right in front of me? Was Chris right? Was I just too cowardly to admit it to myself, and had I just been too afraid that the dream finally became a reality? Wait! Hadn't Chris said anything else? I thought hard: "Maybe she fell in love with you too." My eyes were big when the sentence resounded in my head. But that would have to mean vice versa, that I had fallen in love with her.
Had I fallen in love with her?
Again and again these thoughts circled in my head.
It did not stop at all.
In bed I tried unsuccessfully to banish these questions, which had been buzzing around in my head all evening, and to finally find sleep.
How long I was tossing and turning, I did not know, but at some point I must have fallen asleep from exhaustion. Because the next thing I knew was that I was wide awake and bolt upright in the bed and could answer every single question with a clear yes.
Yes, I had so much worked myself into my own wishful thinking that I did not see what was in front me!
And yes, I was too cowardly and I was too afraid to admit it to myself!
And the last yes followed with a stabbing in the heart, because I had madly fallen in love with Bine.
Not only until the night we had shared, but from the first moment I first saw her.
I fell back on the bed and folded my arms behind my head and did not know how to go on.
Why did my life have to be so complicated?
One month later
One month and two days had passed since that night in question with Bine, and two days later I had admitted to everything. Exactly two days after Biene's disappearance, I became aware of my feelings towards her. From day to day I became more conscious of how much I had resisted my feelings for Bine. And I got angry that I had not noticed it before.
Maybe I would have done something and it would not have gone to the point that she disappeared, and Bine and I would be happy now.
I scolded myself: "Tzzzz, yeah sure, Val! You'd have reacted wayyyyyy sooner!" Now I even began to lie to myself. Didn't the past weeks make me realize how cowardly I was when it was about me and not about someone else? After I had admitted to myself, that I was really incredibly persistent in deceiving myself and even believing this fraud, I always felt this pulling in my heart when I thought of her and my ignorance towards her.
Pfff, who always says that the time heals all the wounds, I would just tell something different.
Every day felt equally painful. There was no improvement in sight and on some days I even felt worse. There were only unhappy days all the way to really miserable ones. As a result, my make-up stock quickly went down, somehow I had to cover the eye-rings and the new pallor.
I talked to Miri more often than usual. Fortunately, she was not suspicious. She certainly thought it was the weekend, which gave our friendship a little refreshment, and the increasing talking was therefore normal.
I even managed to make Miri talk about Bine without realizing it herself. She was worried, as Bine retreated more and more, was not in a good mood any more, and only stayed at home after work.
I asked myself several questions: Was she angry at herself or at me? Was that the reason for the bad mood? Was she afraid? If so, of what? Then she could talk to me or Miri about it.
Not only was my heart aching, I was also worried about Bine. If the store opened here in Hamburg, would she visit me? My mind said no, but my heart did not give up hope and screamed a loud yes. Chris tried to cheer me up in the next following weeks, but I buried myself in so much work that I almost didn’t answer her. And if I did anyways, my answers were mostly monosyllabic.
After inviting me to eat every day for two weeks, Chris finally gave up and waited. But I again and again felt her worried look on me. I knew that she would do something if I was doing worse.
Either she would inform my mother, or, I already saw it coming, she would be sitting in my apartment with Em, Bea and Peg and none of them would leave until we would have talked about it down to the smallest detail and I would have listened to all of their advices. But as long as I wasn’t doing worse, she was leaving me alone, but kept watching me.
Currently I was always voluntarily taking care of the last customers of the day. If somebody was coming right before closing time, Chris and I had a rule. Never to turn a customer down, no matter how late it was. The competition was big enough and then there was the Internet on top of it, we just couldn’t afford it. We would never send a customer away, just because the end of our work day was close.
Of course there were exceptions, customers that were unbearable and only complaining. We convinced those to come back another day or to visit another travel agency, that would be able to help them better and of course was cheaper than we would be.
When it came to cheaper they of course pricked up their ears and were faster out of the door than one could imagine. We didn’t want such customers. One shouldn’t be too picky, but it was possible to make work more pleasant by cleverly convincing such know-it-all smart spenders that another travel agency would be more capable of fulfilling their wishes.
Another thing that helped us to reject a few unpleasant customers was the fact that Em was exclusively booking the trips for the company she was working for, through us. This used to be a huge issue between Em and Chris.
Chris didn’t want it, she didn’t want to have such a benefit out of her relationship, it seemed to her like nepotism. This went on for as long as Em finally convinced her, that Chris would do her a favor and not the other way around.
The travel agency, that she used to book trough before, was asking horrendous prices, wasn’t reliable anymore and only took an advantage out of it, instead of taking care of faithful customers. The sooner she would find another travel agency, the better.
Then she would finally be able to focus on her actual job again and would be getting off work sooner, since she had to additionally manage this task and the comparison of offers was taking away a lot of her time. In addition to this, her workload didn’t just disappear if she neglected her own work and got off on time, but would still be laying on her desk the next morning on top of the new work having to be done that day.
The money also wasn’t directly coming out of Emilia’s pockets, they were expenses of the company that would be spent nevertheless. Even if Chris would refuse and Em would find another travel agency, the costs would still stay the same. In addition, Em wanted to rather work with us than with some strangers, since she knew our principles.
Would it have been strictly business; she would have visited our travel agency a long time ago. After a long back and forth and my intervention Chris finally agreed.
We tried to win our customers with good service and honesty. We sometimes also told them, that we so far haven’t heard any good feedback about a resort or hotel. Even if the next hotel was further away from the beach, it would still be more beautiful and if a compromise was found it would be saving the tourist a lot of inconveniences.
We were regularly taking turns when it was getting later in the day with these last customers in question. One time it was my turn and the next time it was Chris’. But in the last few we
eks I was voluntarily accepting the late customers. I had no reason to go home early. Contrarily to Chris. She was happy and I was unhappy. Since she was already enough worried about me, I wanted to do her a favor and make sure that she was getting home earlier and therefore was able to spend more time with Em.
Even though I was burying myself in work and working overtime, it only was a partial success. Although I was able to halfway change my mind during the daytime, every night when I walked in my bedroom, the movie of our night together was playing before my inner eye.
It was slowly miserable how much I missed Biene. I felt that she was my soulmate, but did she feel the same way about me? Doubts overwhelmed me, because after one month my hope was equal to zero.
The first week had been a torture, my first thought when I woke up in the morning was her. When I wasn’t distracted, I kept thinking off her and my last thought before falling asleep was Biene again. I don’t even want to mention my dreams, that sometimes made me wake up breathing hard, not even talking about my physical condition.
* * *
It was Friday night and I didn’t really feel like leaving my apartment. Bea hadn’t still lost one word about what was bothering her. She also buried herself in work, afterwards she went to the club and worked there all night long. We were two wounded souls, leaving each other alone to lick their wounds.
But today was the grand opening of the club and I couldn’t set my friends up and stay away. They would be too worried about me and ruin Bea’s big night. What kind of friend would I be if I let that happen?
So I decided to put up a friendly face, hoping that they wouldn’t notice how I was really feeling emotionally. But if I was honest to myself I could assume that they still would. Therefore, I tried to enjoy the evening as much as I possibly could.
I didn’t know why but once again I decided for the all black package. Black sneakers, black tight Jeans and my black tight shirt. The only new thing was the belt with the medium size buckle, which showed a bow and an arrow as a motif. Perfect for tonight.