I was a psycho. I had so many contradictions in my head that I was going mad. I was so guilt-ridden and mixed-up that I had no idea what was real and not. I had no idea which way was up, and which way was down. I was scared that I would never get better, never be happy. All I wanted to be was happy.
That evening, Aiden took me to the cemetery. I was scared. The therapist said that the feeling was normal. It was my subconscious mind trying to hang onto the self-doubt and destruction. She said that I had to let those feelings in to let go of them. I wanted them gone. I wanted Sunny gone! I wanted my life back.
As Aiden led me to the grave, my chest felt heavy. As my chest grew heavy, and I grew angry. I was suddenly pissed. I was pissed at Sunny, at my dad, at me. How could I let myself feel like that because of that horrible human being?
I deserved more! I deserved to be happy!
The realization stuck in my head as we stopped in front of a plain headstone. Just his name was on it. Just his name, nothing else, that was all that was left of him. He had no hold over me. He was dead. Yes, maybe he did die by my hand, but he brought it upon himself. He was going to rape me if I hadn’t fought back. That’s just who I am . . . a fighter. I had to fight him!
I had to fight myself for myself. Every instinct that I had in me told me that I deserved to not be happy, that I wasn’t good enough, that I was nothing. It was what I was told my whole life, it’s what my mind kept telling me. I had to prove myself wrong. I had to prove everyone that ever told me anything like that wrong. I had to fight for myself. I deserved to be happy!
We both stood in silence at the grave for several moments. Aiden stepped closer and gently grabbed my hand. “You got this. I’m here, love, you’re okay,” he whispered softly then took a few steps back to give me some space.
I pulled the thing that felt like it weighed a hundred pounds from my pocket along with a letter that I wrote. My therapist suggested the letter. She said that I should let a lot of my anger out in it.
The object in my hands was a necklace. It was silver with a thin chain and a small butterfly charm on it. It used to be so beautiful to me, but at that moment, it was just ugly. Everything about it was disgusting.
“This necklace . . . this necklace means a lot to me. It was my mother’s, one of the only meaningful things that I got from her. I used to wear it all of the time until my fifteenth birthday. After then, after that day, I’ve barely been able to touch it, much less wear it. W-When you r . . . raped me, I remember the feeling of it on my neck. I remember it moving around. I remember the way the cold metal felt on my skin. I thought if maybe I could focus on something other than you, I could block you out. Obviously, it didn’t work. I can still remember everything, even all these years later.
“I got rid of everything from that night—my bed, my clothes, my hair, I carved into my skin. I even tried to kill myself. I tried get rid of me . . . but I hung onto this necklace because it was my mom’s. Because I didn’t want you to win, and to take literally everything from me, including the memory of my mother.” I felt the tears run down my cheeks and shook my head profusely.
“Here!” I put the dainty necklace on the plain headstone with the letter that I wrote to him.
That letter contained a lot. It contained hate, anger, loneliness, hopes that he would forgive me, graphic details, isolation, the fear he instilled in me, desperation, and one day the forgiveness that I hoped I would have for him. He would no longer have any control over my life. I wouldn’t let him. It was my life.
“Take it. Have it. I don’t want it anymore! I’ve spent so many years trying to forget that night that I’ve realized I was basically fixating my life around you and what you did to me. I’m done. I accept it. I finally accept it. You raped me! You took something from me that almost cost me my life. You stole everything I had plus more. That was the last symbol of you that I was holding onto, so you can have it!
“But . . . But you can’t have me! Not anymore. This is my life! I am done dwelling on shit that I can’t fix. I can’t go back and fix this. You broke me. You tore me to shreds, and you were prepared to turn me to dust. But you can’t! I’m here and I am alive. I’m here. I’m no longer yours. My happiness is not yours to take. It’s mine.
“I’m sorry you’re dead. No, actually I’m glad you’re dead. I’m glad you will never hurt me, or my sister, or anyone else that you could get your hands on ever again. I’m just sorry it was me. I’m sorry that I feel bad for you. I’m sorry that I have wasted so much time and energy on you. I did not mean to do this to you, but you deserved it!
“I hope that you’re rotting in hell. I hope that you have to feel everything that I’ve felt since that night. I hope you feel the fear that I felt, the disgust that I had for you and myself, the complete and utter brokenness that I have endured.
“You broke me, but it’s time I put this to rest. I’m freeing myself from you. I am going to be happy in spite of you. I’m going to love so hard with no fear of getting hurt. I’m going to live. I’m going to be happy. You have no control over me, not anymore, never again. You’re dead, and that’s okay. You’re gone. I’m here and I will be happy!” I finished the speech as I felt a giant weight lift off of me.
I was crying hard, but I was also smiling widely. The guilt, the fear, the heaviness, the sadness . . . I could feel them dissipating. They were still there. Depression and anxiety were something I was going to struggle with forever, but I could see a light. I could feel my mind accepting my thoughts and feelings.
I could feel the happiness that I had never felt before. I felt acceptance. I finally accepted myself. I was going to love myself the way I should. I was going to love myself, so I could love everyone in my life the way they deserved, and they could love me the way I deserved.
It was my life, and it was about time to accept that.
Epilogue
Light Exercise
Aubry
I sat there on the counter in the training room as the breathing treatment finished. The medicine made my chest feel much better, and not so heavy and constricted. However, I hated every second of it.
“So . . . What did we learn?” Aiden’s voice said playfully.
I pulled the medicinal mask off my face and threw it down next to the machine with a huff. I didn’t answer. I just crossed my arms over my chest and pouted like petulant child.
“Was that a whole hour with no breaks too hard on your body and poor lungs?” he asked patiently.
“It’s no fair!” I whined annoyingly. “I used to be able to go almost an entire day without needing a break! Now I almost die when I barely even try.”
“Your lungs are still healing, love,” Aiden said with a sigh. He walked forward to me and stood in-between my legs as he brushed some hair away from my reddened face. “It’s only been three months, Aub, give yourself some time,” he said as he kissed my forehead lovingly. “Besides, I let you go way too hard all that time before! You were half-broken that whole time while just worsening your injuries. You don’t have to do that anymore, love. It’s over. You can relax,” he reassured.
I sighed and let my head thump forward onto his chest. He wrapped his arms around me gently and kissed the crown of my head sweetly.
“Doctor Mitchell said light exercise,” he reminded me again.
“Yeah, yeah,” I snorted dismissively.
He shook his head in exasperation. Still, he tilted my head up and pressed his lips against mine firmly.
I smirked against his lips before he pulled away. “Do you remember the last time I was sitting up here like this with you?” I asked innocently as I batted my eyes.
I could see him reminiscing in his mind. The last time that we had been in the particular position in that particular spot was when Tommy and Brandon walked in on us during a particularly heated makeout session. He smirked back at me with his eyes burning into mine.
“I don’t really know . . . Maybe I need a reminder?” he said with an eyebrow raised. Though
I could see the lust behind his eyes.
I wasted no time as I scooted forward just a little bit and wrapped my legs around his waist. I slowly attached my lips to his in a searing kiss. I gripped his hair tightly as I held him to me, firmly devouring him in the kiss.
He let me set the pace of the kiss gladly. He had been doing that ever since we had gotten back together, and he found out everything about my past. He didn’t want to scare me or have me freak out due to a flashback once again. It was sweet at first, but I no longer wanted him to hold back on me. I wanted him to show me that lust that was in him when we kissed.
I wanted him . . . All of him. I just wasn’t sure how to articulate that to him.
I ran my hand up his shirt and pressed my fingers against his abs, making him shutter in pleasure. His fingers burrowed in my hair as he grasped my locks firmly and tilted my head up even more, giving him easier access to my lips and neck. I let a moan slip from my throat as he kissed me better and more thoroughly.
My hips bucked on their own, giving us both more of the friction that we wanted. A moan ripped deep from his throat, and he tightened his hold in my hair. His teeth nipped at my lips playfully as his hands slipped from my hair and ran down my shoulder and back. With each touch, more goose bumps erupted on my skin.
I gripped his hips tightly with my legs as I ran my hands all over him ending at the waistband of his sweatpants. His hands ran up my bare thighs stopping at the start of my athletic shorts that had ridden up an indecent amount.
I wanted him.
I pulled at the hem of his pants, but he stopped me quickly, pulling away from me completely. His eyes were wide as he stared at me questioningly.
I whined at the loss of contact. I looked at him pleadingly. Why didn’t he understand that I wanted him?
“Aubry . . .” He drew out quietly. “I . . . I didn’t mean to push you or anything,” he clarified. “I-I’m sorry. I mean, I didn’t mean for you to feel pressured. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” He sighed.
I sighed exasperatedly and pulled him back to me. I kissed him once again, only for him to pull away again.
“We better stop before we do something we regret,” he said as he held my hands in his tightly.
“Who’s going to regret it? You? Because I certainly will not regret it,” I said as I ripped my hands out of his grasp.
“What?” he asked softly as he studied me. “I don’t understand . . .”
“I know that you’re worried about being intimate because of what happened to me,” I said quietly. “But, Aiden, I’m not that fragile.”
I huffed. “I mean, I get it. You don’t want to do something that brings those memories up or whatever. But Aid, those memories are constantly there.”
He looked at me with a bewildered look. “I . . .” he started, but he didn’t know what to really say.
“I want you,” I said strongly.
“B-But what about last time?” he asked softly. “I don’t know . . . What if that happens again? Or what if that happens in the middle of us doing it?”
“Then we deal with it,” I answered. “Aiden, you handled it so well last time. You just have to love me.”
“That’s because I didn’t really know. I mean, I thought that maybe something happened to you, but it was easy to convince myself that you just weren’t ready yet back then,” he explained.
“I’m ready now,” I almost yelled. “Can you please let me worry about me? I’ll let you know if there is something wrong or something that I’m not comfortable with.”
He sighed as he looked down.
“Do I have to freaking beg you to make love to me? What do you want? If I’m with you then I know that it will all be okay!” I said as I was on the verge of tears.
Aiden met my eyes with a surprised look on his face. His mouth was even slightly gaping open.
“Do you not want me anymore?” I sobbed and covered my face, feeling humiliated.
“What?!” he finally exclaimed. He walked forward to me and wrapped me in a hug. “Aubry, of course I want you, love!” he said as he kissed all over my face. “God, Aubry, I want you so bad,” he said with force. “I love you! I’m just . . . I’m worried about you. I don’t . . . I don’t want to hurt you.”
“As long as you listen to me and what I want, then you won’t hurt me,” I reassured him. “I want you, Aid.”
His lips found mine instantly. I lost myself in his fierce kiss. Before long, my hands were back at his waistband. However, Aiden caught them quickly.
“Aiden!” I whined pathetically.
“Not here, love. Not like this. Your first time will not be like this,” he whispered into my ear. His lips found my neck, and he left a few open mouth kisses down it, making me moan needily. “Soon, Aub. Soon, I’ll show you. Soon, I’ll have you.”
I whined at his words and looked up at him with puppy dog eyes.
He groaned as he kissed me a few more times before he said, “Quit looking at me like that, Aub. It’ll be better.”
I grumpily agreed.
“You better not be in here having sex on my counters!” Tommy exclaimed loudly as he walked into the training room with his eyes covered. “It’s unsanitary!”
“Thomas!” Aiden and I groaned at the same time.
“Shut up,” I said with an eye roll. “Keep it up, and we’ll go to your house and do it in your bed.”
Tommy looked at me horrified as I smirked at him.
“You’re awful and mean, Aub,” he said with a headshake as he walked further into the room.
“But you love me!” I exclaimed.
Aiden smiled at me and kissed my temple. “I know that I do,” he said seriously with the underlying lust still in his eyes.
I wanted him so bad.
***
Aiden
I watched her light up as I drove us up to our cliff. She knew exactly where we were going as soon as I turned onto the road. Her smile was the purest thing in the whole world.
I soon stopped as the ground evened out. “Okay, you have to stay in here for a few. I have a surprise,” I said with a glint in my eyes.
Aubry looked at me strangely but nodded anyway as I got out of my truck. I grabbed the bag of stuff that I brought with us and set it up. I hoped that she’d like it, but I was always so nervous about her reactions. I loved her so much that it constantly made me second-guess if I was doing enough for her.
I readjusted everything for the third time and lit all of the candles before going to Aubry’s side of the truck. I pulled her out of her seat gently and guided her around to the bed of the truck with my hand over her eyes.
“You ready?” I teased.
“Yes!” she said eagerly.
I took my hand from her eyes hesitantly. She immediately gasped in awe. She took in the soft camping mattress that I put in the bed of the truck, the hoards of pillows and blankets that I brought along even though it was quite warm because it was the summer, and the small LED candles that I set out to give us some light and a more romantic feel.
“I-it’s amazing, Aid! Thank you!” she exclaimed with a giant smile on her face. She was in complete awe. “Thank you!” she said again as she turned to hug me tightly.
“Any and everything for you, Aub,” I told her with a kiss to her head. “Come on, love,” I whispered as I helped her climb up into the bed.
“This is so perfect!” she exclaimed again as I climbed into the bed next to her. “I don’t even know how to thank you,” she said softly.
“That radiant smile is plenty enough for me, my Aubry,” I reassured her as I wrapped my arm around her.
We both laid down and stared up at the stars for a while. The stars and moon were so bright that night. It was lovely to see. Aubry was just so happy in that moment, and that made me so incredibly happy too.
Finally, after a while, her head turned to me. She smiled at me when she realized that I was staring at her as she stared at the sky. I couldn’t help it. She was
so mesmerizing.
“This is incredible, Aid,” she whispered. She turned her whole body towards me and pressed herself against me.
“I’m so happy that you like it,” I said, truly relieved.
“I love it! I love you!” she exclaimed and kissed me passionately.
I instantly wrapped my arms around her while pulling her against me. Everything about her felt right to me. She was everything to me.
My lips moved against hers easily. I didn’t want to hold back from her anymore. She told me that she wanted me, so I wanted to give myself to her.
I wanted her.
I paused the kiss for just a second to simply look at her. My hand rested on her cheek and the other on her neck while my eyes took her in. As I looked into her fiery eyes, I could see all of the love within them. I could see her genuine want. I could see her incredible light. It was all absolutely beautiful.
“I love you,” I whispered to her quietly.
“I love you,” she said with a bright smile.
I engulfed her in another kiss. It was soft and slow as I wanted her to feel every bit of the true want that I had for her. Our lips moved in sync as my hands traced over her body slowly as if I were memorizing every bit of her skin. She felt amazing under my touch.
She responded to my touches instantly. Her hands felt like heaven as she touched me. Her fingers barely grazed my skin, but it had me already wanting to take her right then. I knew I had to be better to her than that though. I knew that I had to take it nice and slow. That was the way I wanted it to be for her.
My lips moved from hers as I kissed down her neck, drawing sweet little delicious moans from her mouth. Those sweet moans made me want her even more. She was perfect.
My mouth went further and further down her body. Eventually, her shirt was off her body, so I was able to kiss her chest, shoulders, and stomach with no restrictions. Her body felt lovely underneath my lips. Her beautiful moans, the way her body writhed in response, and the way she shook in pleasure made me moan in turn. She was absolutely beautiful.
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