by Nalini Singh
“It’s so hot and hard.”
Canto’s brain blazed a dangerous red. Shifting his hand to her wrist, he squeezed. “I think we should stop.”
She released him at once but didn’t tug her wrist free. “You didn’t like it?”
“Hell yes, I liked it.” So much that it hurt. “But I don’t want to lose control.”
Terrible darkness eclipsed the stars in her eyes.
Chapter 34
The child displays significant ongoing trauma.
—Therapeutic notes on Canto Mercant (age 14)
REALIZING WHAT HE’D said, Canto let go of Payal’s hand before he squeezed it too hard. “Shit. Shit.” Leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs, he shoved his hands through his hair. “I’m sorry. I’m screwing this up.”
He’d spent all this time trying to teach her that she could trust him with everything, and here he was, stumbling at the first step. “It’s not about trust, Payal. I—”
A gentle hand on his shoulder, stroking slowly down his back. “I understand.” Soft words that held no anger or confusion. “It’s why I have such rigid shields. Control.” Leaning in, she pressed a kiss to the side of his neck. “We had it stolen from us, and now we can’t let go.”
Had anyone else said they understood, he would’ve ignored them. But this was Payal. His 3K. Dropping his hands to his thighs, he looked at her . . . and spoke about a part of his life that he spoke of to no one else. “I was all but immobile in a hospital bed for months.”
He released a shuddering exhale. “My grandmother did everything in her power to give me freedom—she took me on long flights through the PsyNet, had a family teleporter move my hospital bed to different locations to give me variety. Once, my uncle teleported me out to this lonely stretch of beach and it was incredible.”
“But it wasn’t the same as controlling your own body,” Payal said, sliding her hand down to tangle it with his.
“Yeah.” He coughed, swallowed. “Grandmother made me attend a ton of psych sessions to help me make sense of the world—and to prepare me for a possible future where I might always be only my mind—but the experience left a scar.” His jaw worked. “I keep telling myself I’m so fucking lucky. Not many children have someone like Ena come for them, rescue them, but—” He shook his head. “I can’t forget all that went before.”
Payal touched her hand to part of his robotic brace. “Let’s look at this logically.”
It was a response he hadn’t expected—and it was so very Payal. “Yeah?” He wove his fingers through hers, squeezed.
“You’re no longer a child without agency. Neither are you injured as you were when your grandmother first found you. You could walk using a brace if you wished. It would be irritating, but you certainly wouldn’t be confined to bed.” Another kiss, this one to his jaw. “You also have me. I would take you anywhere you wanted to go.”
Canto didn’t rely on anyone, had spent nearly thirty years making sure of that. But this was 3K, who curled into his lap because she needed the contact, and who reached for their strange bond every few minutes. He didn’t know if she was aware of doing it, but he was; he felt every light brush.
As if she was checking it was still there and taking strength from it.
Lifting their clasped hands, he pressed a kiss to her knuckles in a silent acceptance of her offer. “If the worst ever happens, I’m one hundred percent still going to be an ass about it at times.”
Payal imitated his shrug. “I’m still going to be a total robot sometimes, when I get scared and retreat behind my walls.”
“Guess we’re both screwed up.” He shifted so he could cup the side of her face with his free hand. Part of the brace spiderwebbed the back and a fine mesh overlay his palm, but she turned into the touch.
“Perfection is overrated.” Inside him, it was as if she’d wrapped him in her cold flame, a possessive embrace that would shield him from the world. “I heard Sascha Duncan say that in an interview once. She also said that flaws are what make us unique. That perfect people would just be simulacrums of each other.”
Payal hadn’t believed the cardinal empath at the time—all her life, she’d been told she was a mistake, an error. But with Canto, she understood at last. Neither one of them would be who they were if they’d been born “perfect” by the standards of a Silent society. Their scars had shaped them.
And Canto, brash and stubborn, had far deeper scars than she’d realized.
He was so tough and emotionally stable that she hadn’t understood the extent to which his childhood haunted him. Today, she saw the ghosts in his eyes, saw the echoes of the boy who’d lost the use of his legs and almost lost control over his whole body, the boy who’d been unable to defend himself—or her—against a monster.
The latter would matter to a man like Canto. He was a protector. Yet he’d failed her. That was how he’d see it, her Mercant knight.
Payal understood something about herself at that moment: she’d built her life on control, but for Canto, she could be “weaker,” more exposed. Between the two of them, he needed that rock of control more than she did . . . because her rock was Canto. Kaleb had been right. That bond she could sense but couldn’t see? It had given her a safe harbor to cling to when the screams got too bad.
“Would you like to touch me as I touched you?” she asked. She’d lay herself bare to him without hesitation if that was what he needed.
Canto’s hand tightened on hers. “Hell yeah, but I think we might be going too fast.” A narrow-eyed look. “Have you talked to an empath? We don’t know how us getting physical will affect you.”
Payal tried to wrench back her hand, but he held on.
“Hey,” he whispered roughly. “I want you with every fiber of my being, but I will never hurt you.” A fierce vow. “This could hurt you if we don’t do it right.”
Payal wanted to argue with him, wanted to ignore the panicky feeling that lived in the back of her head and that she could only assuage by touching their bond. “Kaleb said you could be my safe place to stand.”
“Always. Fucking always,” Canto answered. “But Kaleb isn’t you. He and his mate aren’t us. We’re anchors, baby, and that changes everything.”
She knew he was right, but she couldn’t deal with it yet, couldn’t face it. Because facing it meant facing the broken, devastated, screaming girl inside her. “I need clothes and personal items. I’ve said I’ll visit the shops.”
Canto looked at her for a long moment before nodding. “I’ll drive you. If I stay in the vehicle, no one will pay attention to your driver.”
Confused and unsettled, she pulled at her hand again. “Don’t you want to be seen with me?” she demanded utterly irrationally.
“3K, I want to tattoo your name on my damn forehead so everyone will know I’m yours and you’re mine”—a hard kiss, his hand cradling her nape with roughly tender possessiveness—“but this is your time to shine.”
**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**
NEW MEMBER OF RULING COALITION: PAYAL RAO, SPEAKER FOR THE ANCHOR REPRESENTATIVE ASSOCIATION (ARA)
The members of the Ruling Coalition are pleased to welcome Payal Rao, Cardinal A-Tk and CEO of the Rao Conglomerate, to their ranks. Payal is the chosen Speaker of the Anchor Representative Association and has full power to deal on their behalf.
Having a member of the critical A designation on the Ruling Coalition is an important step as we face the turbulence in the PsyNet. We will need to rely on anchors more than ever—it’s vital that their voices be heard. They must be represented at all levels of the decision-making process, including at the very highest.
Interview requests with Payal Rao can be sent through the Ruling Coalition’s media liaison, Jin Verkamp-Jeong.
***END OF RELEASE***
Chapter 35
Canto, you and Payal are invited t
o after-dinner tea. I shall see you at seven this evening.
—Message from Ena Mercant to Canto Mercant
CANTO SAT IN the sleek car the color of darkest smoke that had been designed according to his preferences, complete with hand and voice controls, doors that went straight up in a smooth glide, and a driver’s-seat area with an automatic ramp and a convertible seat that meant he didn’t have to store his chair while driving unless he felt like it.
Payal had just stepped out of the passenger door, beautiful and contained, and already, he could see passersby taking surreptitious photographs that they’d no doubt feed out into the PsyNet—and into the human/changeling media. The makeup of the Ruling Coalition was of interest to a lot of people, and Payal’s ascension especially so; to the vast majority of the world, she’d come out of nowhere.
As he’d predicted, no one paid any attention to her driver—not that they could see him. He’d opaqued all the glass after he parked. He could see out, but they couldn’t see in.
As he sat there, he thought about contacting Arwen, then immediately vetoed the idea. Payal needed to decide to see an empath on her own, without pressure. It was obvious she wasn’t yet ready, but she was tough, his 3K. She’d get there.
Then, as if he’d imagined his cousin up out of thin air, he saw Arwen on the sidewalk, accompanied by his bear. Arwen was in a pristine gray-on-gray suit he’d paired with a charcoal tie, his shoes polished and every strand of hair in place. His lover, in contrast, had tumbled hair of dark brown and was wearing a rough navy shirt with the tails hanging out and torn jeans.
Pavel’s sneakers had seen better days.
But the way he looked at Arwen out of those bright green-blue eyes behind clear spectacles . . . Yes, the bears knew how to treat their people.
Arwen had never appeared so happy, so at peace.
Canto liked Pavel for how he treated Arwen.
Ena loved him for it.
Silver had been known to kiss him.
Now Arwen’s eyes swiveled toward Canto without warning. Even though his cousin had been out of Canto’s shields for a long time, they still had a strong connection. Of all the people toward whom Canto felt protective, Payal and Arwen were at the top of the list.
His cousin smiled and made an immediate beeline toward him.
Lowering his window, Canto scowled. “I’m trying to be incognito. Go away.”
Instead, Arwen laughed and went around to get in the passenger seat, closing the door behind him, then lowering his own window. Pavel put his head in that window and said, “This car smells like a woman.” He sniffed ostentatiously. “Definitely a woman. A certain specific cardinal-eyed woman.”
Arwen’s eyes widened at the same instant. “Canto, you’re linked to her.” He pretended to punch Canto. “You couldn’t have told me?” The light comment nonetheless held a smidgen of hurt.
And because this was his baby brother for all intents and purposes, Canto said, “It’s new. No one else knows. Not even Grandmother.” Though Ena’s all-seeing antenna was working just fine, if the invite that had appeared on his phone an hour earlier was any indication.
Arwen’s gaze softened at once. “It’s different, too.” He frowned, gaze turning inward. “I can’t see a bond like I could with Silver and Valentin when they mated.”
We’re anchors. That changes everything.
His own words reverberated inside his head. “It might be in the Substrate,” he murmured, because he hadn’t looked there—and it made sense that for two anchors, the bond would show on their home ground.
“So?” Pavel waggled his eyebrows. “Where is she?”
Arwen kissed Pavel on the cheek. “What he said.”
“In the boutique.” Canto nodded toward the store.
Arwen grinned. “I’m going to go spy on her fashion choices.” He got out of the car on that cheerful declaration.
Pavel and Canto both watched Arwen walk into the boutique, a sharply dressed and handsome man who drew eyes from all kinds of people. Canto felt no need to warn Payal. Arwen was a kitten in comparison to her shark.
“How is he?” he said quietly, because he and Pavel had an unspoken understanding about Arwen—the bear knew that Canto had watched over Arwen for a long time, couldn’t just stop.
“Good. Better than good.” His smile was delighted as he slipped into Arwen’s abandoned seat. “He’s still tight with his empath buds Jaya and Ruslan—I’ve met them, like how they are with him. I also nudged him to go on playdates with some local empaths who have no idea he’s a Mercant. He clicked with a few—his circle’s growing.”
“Good. We worry about him becoming isolated.” Arwen had been so fiercely protected by the Mercant family that even Ena had begun to wonder if they’d clipped his wings.
“No, Arwen just likes to take his time with people.” Pavel lifted his shirt away from his body, as if he were fixing the lapels of a suit. “Because he picks the best people.”
Arwen exited the boutique soon afterward, to come over and get into the back seat.
“I want to meet her,” he said, open protectiveness in his voice. “Just to be sure she’s not taking advantage of you.”
Pavel doubled over laughing. When Arwen poked him in the side, the bear said, “It’s like a butterfly trying to protect a Rottweiler. Adorable.”
That got him another poke.
Grabbing Arwen’s hand, Pavel threatened to bite it.
Canto groaned as Arwen went all blushing and happy. “Out,” he muttered.
Of course they didn’t listen to him. Instead, Pavel clambered into the back with Arwen. Sighing, Canto reached out to Payal with his mind. My cousin Arwen and his disreputable bear beloved—who you’ve already met—are in the car, waiting to see you. I’ll get rid of them if you want.
The response came after a few seconds. I would be happy to talk to them. I’ll be there in about ten more minutes.
Arwen told Canto about his new friends as the three of them waited, while Pavel checked his phone for work purposes. He was StoneWater’s tech specialist, and he and Canto had taught each other a few things.
Then there she was, walking out of the shop with a bag in hand, sunglasses covering her eyes. The cameras clicked again as she walked to get into the car. He pulled away as soon as she was safely inside, making the introductions as they drove.
* * *
• • •
PAYAL had barely recovered from the shock of Ena Mercant’s invitation. Now this.
She hadn’t expected to speak to any of Canto’s family anytime soon, but she wasn’t going to run from such contacts. These people were important to him—so even if they didn’t like her, even if Ena’s invitation turned out to be a slap of rejection, she would persevere. She’d spent a lifetime surviving people who didn’t like or respect her. But now she had Canto. For him, she’d bear anything.
Angling her head to look at the man in the back seat who had a very different build from Canto—and silver eyes watchful and quiet—she said, “I’m glad to meet you, Arwen.”
She used the mirror to meet the gaze of the bear who sat directly behind her. “It’s nice to see you again, Pavel.”
The bear smiled at her, but Arwen had an assessing look on his face when she glanced at him once more. He only said a few words as Canto drove them out of the city. She’d already stopped at three boutiques and had everything she needed—especially for her tea with Ena in a few short hours.
Once they were at the house and had carried her purchases inside, Canto left to deal with a minor work matter, while Pavel excused himself to return a call.
It left Payal and Arwen alone on the deck.
They stood side by side in awkward silence until Arwen blurted out, “Sorry.”
Payal looked at him to see a blush painting the razor-sharp lines of his cheekbones. “For what?”
> “For acting like a jealous kid.” His hands tightened on the deck railing. “Canto was mine for a long time. He protected me inside his shields when I was born—I don’t know how it happened, but we were in the hospital at the same time, and it just did.”
This was the empath Canto had mentioned, Payal realized. Not just a trusted empath. A beloved Mercant. “I don’t intend to take him from you.” Canto’s family was part of his foundations, part of his heartbeat.
“I know. I was being stupid.” He gave her a hesitant smile that was so open it sliced right through her shields. “Can we start again?” He held out a hand. “I’m Arwen, and I adore Canto. He’s the best big brother I could’ve ever had.”
Physical contact wasn’t an easy thing for her, but this was important enough that she slipped her hand into Arwen’s. “Payal. Canto is . . . extraordinary.” She didn’t know why, but she added a private truth. “We met as children before you were born.”
Arwen’s eyes flared. “You’re her. The girl he’s been searching for all this time.”
A tight hotness inside her chest. “I thought he’d forget me, but he never did.”
“Canto never forgets the people he loves.”
That last word made her entire soul quake. She clung to the railing to keep her stability. “Arwen, if I talk to you as an empath, will you keep my confidence?” Now that she’d met him, now that they’d come to terms, she felt his gentleness, his kindness.
“Yes,” Arwen said. “But I have a conflict of interest because of my relationship with Canto. Can I recommend a friend?” When Payal nodded, he said, “Her name is Jaya and she’s a senior empath. She usually works with patients in comas or who are otherwise trapped in their bodies and minds, but she’s also just . . . wise. As if she was born that way. I talk to her, too, about everything.”
Payal had just taken Jaya’s details when Canto returned, and the heart of her, it arrowed in toward him. As if he were her star, and she the circling planet. She wanted to pull back, step away, protect herself, but it was too late. Her walls were cracked and damaged so badly that there was no hope.