by Voss, Deja
“I’m not your old lady,” Clutch replies, flipping his roommate off.
“Oh, Austin,” Esther frowns. “Do you need me to fix you something?”
“It’s alright, girl,” he says, taking the last swig from his coffee mug. “We got everything we need packed up for the weekend. You just enjoy your time off from this asshole chasing you around with his micro-penis all day, every day. I’m sure it’s exhausting.”
“I’ll show you exhausting,” I say, clenching my fist.
“I thought you guys were making moonshine. Sounds more like a circle jerk, if you ask me,” she teases.
“There’s a lot of down time,” Austin replies with a shrug. “It’s a bonding thing.”
“Get the fuck outta here, Austin,” Gavin says. “All of you. We’re running behind as it is.”
The guys filter out of the kitchen and the rumble of bikes and trucks and four-wheelers vibrates through the house.
“Are you gonna be ok, Esther?” Gavin asks her.
“Why would you ask that? Is there something I need to know?”
“I just worry,” he says. “With how things are with Dad right now. I know you guys aren’t really getting along, and I don’t want you to feel unsafe.”
“Gavin,” she scolds. “He’s my father. He might not always make the best choices, but he’d never hurt me.”
“I don’t have to go,” I say. “Seriously. I’ve got plenty of stuff to do around here. There’s more than enough guys out in the woods to take care of the stills.”
“Guys!” she yells. “Get out of here. I’ve been holding my own for how long now? There’s nothing to worry about. Plus, I think some time alone with Dad might be what I need. He usually listens to me. Maybe if you guys aren’t around, I can get back in his good graces.”
She kisses me on the cheek before shoving me off. There’s a sadness in her eyes that I don’t like, but I trust the words coming out of her mouth. She knows what’s best for her.
“I love you,” I tell her over my shoulder.
“I love you too. Both of you. Now please be careful. Don’t drink too much. I don’t feel like having to clean up a bloodbath when ya get back.”
Chapter 30
Esther:
“Thanks for coming up to help me finish moving,” I say to Olive as I empty out what’s left in my dresser drawers, filling up cardboard boxes. It’s all stuff that I definitely could live without if I had to, but something about cleaning the entire trailer out feels so good. It feels like this is final. It’s one more step towards spending the rest of my life with Brooks. “If there’s anything you want, help yourself.”
She’s going through the racks in my closet. She pulls out an armful of lingerie I’ve amassed over the years: lace, spandex, leather, you name it; I have quite the collection. It was all part of the show I’ve been putting on between my job and my ‘hobby,’ and I haven’t really thought twice about it since I’ve gotten with Brooks.
He’s a no-frills kind of guy, and I like that. He’s not into playing dress up. He just wants me, and it’s hot and exciting and there isn’t a day that goes by where he doesn’t want to pin me to a wall or throw me over his shoulder and carry me up the steps.
“What are you going to do with all this?” she asks.
I browse through the pile, pulling out anything green, his favorite color. Just for a special occasion. I take the purple crushed velvet teddy I was wearing the night I caught him spying on me. That could be fun someday down the line.
“Think there’s a school for strippers I could donate it to?” I laugh. She looks like she’s seriously considering the thought. Olive is definitely not stupid, but she’s got a wild imagination and is a little on the gullible side. “We’ll just put it in storage for now.”
“What are you going to do with this place?” she asks. “Are you going to keep it as a hideout if you guys are fighting or something?”
“People do that?” I ask her. I couldn’t imagine. If Brooks and I get into a fight, I wouldn’t run away. I’d want to work to make things right. Maybe I’m Pollyanna about the way relationships work.
“I don’t know.” She shrugs. “It just seems like everything is so perfect with you guys. It’s awesome. It gives me hope for love, don’t get me wrong. I guess I just expected there to be some sort of dark secret or something that kept you two from getting together sooner. It’s like everything fell into place all of a sudden.”
I hold up a green corset, looking at myself in the full-length mirror and smiling.
“It’s hard to keep dark secrets up here on this mountain, Olive,” I remind her. “My business has been on blast my entire life. He doesn’t judge me for my past.”
“And you don’t judge him? Not even a little bit?” she asks, cringing. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve chewed my arm off more times than I like to admit. Is it hard seeing girls he’s slept with on a regular basis?”
“I think about it this way, Olive. We’re all looking for something in this life, but there’s this gap of time where we don’t know what that something is. We let ourselves get jaded, we think that whatever we’re looking for, whatever it is, we’re never going to find it or have it. So we just do stuff that makes us feel good. We do stuff to fill the void so that we can feel ok for a little bit, even if it means feeling terrible the next day. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life looking down at him because he was trying to hurt less. If he wanted to be with any of those girls right now, he would. He’s a good man. All these guys in the club are. They’re just really passionate. They know they want something, but they don’t know what it is. And all it really boils down to in the end is a good woman who’s going to love and respect and support them. It doesn’t matter who that is or what she’s done. As long as she’s a kind person with good intentions, the past is irrelevant.”
“God, you’re so smart,” she sighs.
“I am really kind of baffled that I’ve never seen you with anyone, Ollie. You are either really good at keeping your shit on the downlow, or you’re a secret nun. You know how much all these guys love you. What’s holding you back?”
“I dunno.” She shrugs. “I guess this is the first time in my life where I’ve felt like I have a family, a good job, people who care about me, and I care about, too. I feel like every day I’m one accidental drunk hand job in the janitor’s closet away from going back to my old life.”
“You know we’d never let that happen to you,” I assure her. “We love you too much. You deserve to be happy. There’s not much you can do around here that we’ll judge you for, take it from me,” I laugh. “I mean, let’s face it, we can sugarcoat it all we want, but I’ve been literally a whore for the last fifteen years of my life.”
“Nah,” she says, hugging me. “Don’t say that. Brooks has been bragging all month about how you handle business. The fact that you sold Morgan for guns is pretty much the highlight of all of our lives.”
“I didn’t sell her!” I insist. “I lent her out. The fact that the dipshit decided that she wanted to move in permanently with those weirdos is all her. But yeah. I guess it’s one less person I have to see on a daily basis that my man hooked up with. And that IS nice.”
“What do you think about renting this place out, Esther?” she asks. “I think I might be interested.”
“You’re gonna move up here on the mountain with us? I kind of love that idea. It’d be so awesome to have another girlfriend nearby.”
“I love this trailer. Other than the fact that there’s no blinds in your windows. Is that like a stylistic choice or is there something you’re not telling me?”
“A little bit of both,” I laugh.
* * *
The clubhouse bar is pretty much closed for business while the guys are out of town. It’s better that way. I don’t have to worry about not having protection from anyone strange who might wander in, and it’s nice to just be around the old-timers every once in a while. These were the men and wome
n who raised me, and they’re more than happy to just hang out and help themselves to whatever they want to drink while they play poker and talk about their glory days.
I have stacks of paperwork that need finished, anyway. It’s probably easier to sell your organs in the state of Pennsylvania than it is to sell liquor legally. We might be a club that thrives on illegal activities, but we have to keep all our fronts completely legit. That includes this place. And this week, I’m getting my desk cleared off and making sure all our taxes are completely up to date.
“Anybody need anything?” I ask the men sitting around the bar. It’s just our chaplain, Heat, my father, and Patch, the mountain doctor. I fix myself a Bloody Mary because I figure it can count as lunch if I stuff enough celery in it. They wave me off, distracted by the game of cards going on in front of them. “I’m going to be in the office,” I say to no one in particular.
My dad has been pretty cold towards me ever since he found out about Brooks and I. I don’t know if it’s because he just genuinely doesn’t like Brooks or if he thinks I should stay permanently single so he can control my every move. Probably a little of both. Moses and I may have a troubled past, but I’ve always been able to see where he’s coming from. I don’t exactly like his goals for the club, but I also understand why he makes the choices he makes. If anything, I can serve as the bridge between him and my brother, making sure that nobody ends up accidentally dead.
But when Dad freezes me out like this, I feel like there’s nothing I can do. I feel like this is when bad stuff starts to happen.
I settle into my paperwork, printing out the last three months of payroll information while I start filling out quarterly tax sheets. Just as I’m getting into a groove, there’s a knock on the door. My dad peeks his head around the corner. He’s smiling, not in his ready to kill way, but like he’s actually being genuine. My first instinct is to be concerned. The kind of stuff that makes this man happy is the kind of stuff you find on a homicide detective’s desk.
“You mind if I come in?” he asks.
“Sure, Daddy,” I say, taking off my glasses, looking up from my work. “Have a seat. What’s up?”
“Are you ok?” he asks, his tone serious. “I haven’t talked to you in a while and I just want to make sure you’re ok.”
“I don’t know why everyone keeps asking me that. I’m great. Life is great. Are you ok?”
“I just worry about you. With Brooks. I just worry about what he’s up to. I just don’t want to see you get hurt is all.”
“Dad, he’s not up to anything. I’ve known him his whole life. So have you. That man might be fierce and dangerous when it comes to protecting his club, but that includes me.”
“Are you sure?” he asks, grabbing for my hand. “You know he hasn’t been right since his father died. He’s even gone as far as to blame Tanner’s death on me. Can you believe that?”
I can believe it. In the back of my mind, nothing has ever fit together in terms of how Brooks’s dad died, or why he died. He never showed signs of depression. The suicide note was cruel, blaming Brooks for everything. It was a weird situation.
“Has he actually said that to you?”
“No, but you know how people talk. No secrets up here on the mountain. But that boy, he’s always full of secrets. He’s a bad influence on you and your brother. Always has been. Just look at what happened with poor Morgan.”
As far as I know, “poor Morgan” is living a life of luxury with Joe Salazar, and finally out of my hair for good.
“The girl’s been staying with Olive ever since we picked her up. She’s all sorts of messed up, won’t even come around. The only person she’ll talk to is Brooks. You know, the guy who is responsible for selling her off to a crime boss.”
“Daddy, that was all me,” I assure him. “Brooks just brought her along because she wanted to come.” I don’t know why I’m defending him. I’m more concerned about the fact that my dad’s making it sound like they’re in contact behind my back. And Olive was just at my house. Why didn’t she say anything?
She did, though.
She said it all when she asked me if I was keeping my trailer as a place to go in case things got bad. She isn’t stupid. She was warning me without coming right out and saying it.
“You would’ve never done that if he didn’t get in your head. You’re a good person, Esther. That’s why I never got upset about that whole incident, as ridiculous as it was. I knew it wasn’t you. But seeing you two all lovey-dovey and knowing what kind of guy he is, that shit upsets me.”
He’s holding my wrist in his hand a little harder than necessary, and his wrinkled, hardened face just looks sad. He looks defeated. He looks broken, almost remorseful. I only remember seeing this look one time before, sitting there in my Aunt Mary’s living room before he sent me off to my fate. I feel disgust creeping through me, knowing there’s only half-truths in anything my father says, but usually it’s the worst, most hurtful, parts of his words.
He points out everyone else’s bad so his looks a little less worse.
“I’ll take care of it,” I say. “I’m a grown woman. I know what I’m doing.”
At least I’m going to pretend like I do. I’m going to call Brooks and we’re going to talk it out like normal couples do.
“I know you’re grown. It’s hard watching your kids grow up and not be able to do anything about it. I would give everything I had to have you back to six. You were just a lanky little tomboy who wanted to know when you’d start growing a beard like your old man.”
“I wanted to be like you, Dad. I wanted to be a Misfit more than I wanted anything else,” I chuckle, thinking about how much love there was around that table when I was a kid. My grandfather always spoiled Gavin and I, and the door was never closed during meetings. The older we got, the more people died, the darker things became.
“Well now you are, I’m afraid,” he laughs. “And you know I’m not going to be around forever. I need to know that you’re going to keep my legacy safe, Esther. I can’t trust any of your blood brothers to do it; hell, two of them ran off, and Gavin, he’s a dreamer, but not a doer. His only mission in life is to poke holes in everything I say and do just to spite me. He’s holding some sort of long-term grudge, which is ridiculous. The boy’s always gotten everything he wanted. I spoiled him.”
I hate when my father talks like this. I go to stand up, but he’s still holding my wrist tight. Maybe he did spoil Gavin, but he ruined the rest of us.
Even more disturbing is the fact that he thinks I’m like him. I have seen the pain and suffering this man has caused. I have experienced it firsthand. I wasn’t acting like Brooks when I left Morgan with Salazar. I was acting like him, through and through. I feel like I’m going to be sick.
“I gotta go, Dad,” I say. “Get off me.”
“If you really care about the club, you’ll listen to what I’m saying. You’re too good for him. If you stay with him, you’re playing a dangerous game. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re not meant to be with him. You have one purpose in this life, and that’s to protect the Misfits, not run around and play house with a boy who you had a crush on when you were a kid. You’re grown-up now, Esther. You have a job. You have a purpose, and as long as I’m alive, you will know exactly what that is. And if this Brooks thing keeps getting in the way of the function of my club, then you know exactly what’s going to have to happen.”
“Don’t threaten him, Dad. He’s one of your own. He’s one of your men.”
“Yeah, well if he hurts my little girl, I’m going to hurt him.”
“What about all the other men you let hurt me, Dad? What about that?”
“That’s not real life, Esther. That’s just acting, and you know it. You don’t let those men inside you. You are always in control.”
“Even when I was eighteen and you left me for dead with the Tigers, when you sold me off? When they actually did hurt me?”
“You had to le
arn somehow. You know I didn’t think it would get that out of hand. I thought you’d get over it by now, but you’ve always been so dramatic. Think about the men who have died for this club. Think about the way that, every time we go on a raid or a job, we risk getting killed. You get to go party on yachts with rich men who want your body. Sounds like you don’t realize your place, though.”
The room is spinning, and I feel like I’ve been punched repeatedly in the guts. How can he be so wrong and so right at the same time?
I run to the bathroom and lose my breakfast, crying and dry heaving as I try to keep from collapsing on the dirty tile floor. I need to get out of here. I need to be alone. I bolt out of the clubhouse and shield my eyes from the August sun, my lungs burning as I sprint to my trailer.
He’s a no-frills kind of guy, and I like that. He’s not into playing dress up. He just wants me, and it’s hot and exciting and there isn’t a day that goes by where he doesn’t want to pin me to a wall or throw me over his shoulder and carry me up the steps.
“What are you going to do with all this?” she asks.
I browse through the pile, pulling out anything green, his favorite color. Just for a special occasion. I take the purple crushed velvet teddy I was wearing the night I caught him spying on me. That could be fun someday down the line.
“Think there’s a school for strippers I could donate it to?” I laugh. She looks like she’s seriously considering the thought. Olive is definitely not stupid, but she’s got a wild imagination and is a little on the gullible side. “We’ll just put it in storage for now.”
“What are you going to do with this place?” she asks. “Are you going to keep it as a hideout if you guys are fighting or something?”
“People do that?” I ask her. I couldn’t imagine. If Brooks and I get into a fight, I wouldn’t run away. I’d want to work to make things right. Maybe I’m Pollyanna about the way relationships work.
“I don’t know.” She shrugs. “It just seems like everything is so perfect with you guys. It’s awesome. It gives me hope for love, don’t get me wrong. I guess I just expected there to be some sort of dark secret or something that kept you two from getting together sooner. It’s like everything fell into place all of a sudden.”