by Voss, Deja
We’ll have to get him some clothes. We’ll have to get him a bed. He’s going to need to go to school and he’ll probably have to go see a doctor. I’m not messing with mountain medicine when it comes to my boy.
So much that needs done, and for some reason, picturing her there with me every step of the way makes me feel that much less concerned. I know it’s going to be ok. I know she’ll hep me do the right thing.
She’s smiling at me from the doorway of the living room, the moonlight shining through the slats in the blind, lighting up her face.
“He’ll be ok out here,” she says. “Why don’t you come to bed?”
She grabs me by the hand and leads me to my bedroom. Draped in nothing but a towel, her choppy black hair is still dripping wet. I am overcome with the urge to kiss every inch of her, touch every part of her, not because I’m trying to get something out of her or shake her down for information, but I want to give her the same feeling that she’s been giving me since she started taking up space in my house and in my head.
We stand there in silence, staring at each other in the dim light on my nightstand. I don’t want to breathe for fear that she’ll disappear or run away. I don’t know what she wants from me right now.
“Are you ok?” she asks, her voice soft, her sweet little southern drawl like music to my ears. “I mean, do you care that I’m back here in your room? I’m sure I can stay at Esther’s if you want.”
I run my hand down the side of her face, this need inside me to be close to her, as close to her as possible, but knowing that my darkness, my sadness, it’s going to push her away.
“You don’t have to pretend with me, Hank,” she says. “I know I’m not your fiancée. You’re a good man. You’ve been so kind to me. You’ve given so much for no reason.”
“I’m not a good man.” I press my lips to her shoulder, kissing her softly, smelling her soft skin and hair. “You don’t know anything about me.”
“I know enough. I don’t care about your past, Hank. All I care about is who you are right now. And right now, you are a man who’s doing the best with what he’s got. You let me into your home.”
“I let you into my home so I could keep an eye on you,” I say, cupping her chin in my hand. “I let you into my home because I didn’t trust you.”
“And now?” She looks into my eyes with those sparkling green eyes of hers, her lip trembling. I press my mouth to hers. Trust is one thing, and maybe it’s something I’ll never be able to feel.
Lust, want, need, hell, even love, I am filled with this big old bag of mixed emotions for her that I don’t know how to explain, not even to myself. I feel closer to this stranger in my bedroom than I’ve ever felt with anyone before.
I guide her to my bed and lay her on her back, her wet hair splayed across my pillow. I unfold the towel that’s covering her and take in the beauty of her naked body in all its glory, like I’m seeing it for the first time, through an entirely different set of eyes than the other night in the hotel room.
“You’re gorgeous, Azalea,” I say, tracing my fingers over her neck as I leave a trail of kisses behind, moving down her body. She’s got scars I didn’t take the time to notice before, and fading tattoos, flowers and initials, down the side of her ribs. They’re imperfect, but they suit her. All but those initials, HR in a heart, which I can only assume was the man she was engaged to before she went on the run.
If he wasn’t dead already, I’d kill him myself.
How you could leave a girl like this alone on the planet with no one to keep her safe, even from her family, he had to have done something really fucked-up. I don’t know who this guy is, but as much as I hate him, he did me the greatest favor of all time.
Even though she can’t have her real family, her real life, we can fake it together. I’ll do whatever it takes to make her feel safe for the rest of her life.
I don’t know how to tell her, but I’m going to do my best to show her. Azalea, Jesse, they’ve turned my world upside down in the matter of a day. Maybe Heat was right about the universe thing. Or maybe I’m just finally getting my lucky break.
I press my lips to her curvy breast, taking her nipple in my mouth and swirling it with my tongue until she starts to moan. She’s raking her fingers through my hair, and I kiss my way down her soft stomach, down to her hip bones, her back arching into the mattress. I part her trembling thighs and look up at her with a grin. She’s so wet, she’s so ready for me, and I want to make her explode. The way she smiles back at me lets me know she wants it, too.
I start slowly, licking up and down her wet slit, pressing the palm of my hand into her stomach as she writhes underneath me. Everything about her is delicious, and I can’t resist diving right in, flicking her swollen clit with my tongue, catching her juices as I slide my fingers into her eager pussy, sawing in and out until I know she’s right on the edge.
As I take her clit in my mouth, she starts to mewl, and the way she’s riding my face is making me harder by the second. Something about making this girl cum, feeling her body stiffen and collapse under my touch, is the sexiest thing I’ve ever experienced.
She lays there, panting, like a rag doll, and my dick throbs in my pants, eager to be inside her, to fuck her until she cums over and over again.
“I want to feel you,” she says before pressing her lips to mine, our tongues dancing.
She pulls my shirt off over my head, running her palms down my chest before I pull her onto my lap and she straddles me as I reach into the nightstand to grab a rubber. She inches her way down my cock slowly, staring me in the eyes the whole time, and the way she gasps and then squeals as I thrust my hips to meet her is almost enough to make me cum this second.
I grasp her fleshy ass cheeks in my hands, pulling her up and down on top of me, watching her perfect tits bounce with every thrust. I pull her tighter, closer, driving my hard dick in and out of her as she moans in delight.
She’s perfect. I can’t hold out much longer. I press my lips to hers and let myself explode, holding her on my cock as I fill her insides. She collapses onto my chest, our bodies pressed together, and I hug her tight, not wanting this moment to ever end.
I’m not good at intimacy. My upbringing has fucked me up good in that department, but something about her changes everything. I want to give her every part of me. The fact that we’re laying here naked, wrapped up tight, and I am not running out the door with my pants around my ankles or hiding in the bathroom hoping she gets the picture and just leaves is all so strange.
I don’t want to let her go. I don’t want to move. Even if this is the only shot I have at this feeling for the rest of my life, I want to bask in it as long as possible.
“That was nice,” she whispers, kissing me on the forehead. “Unexpected, but nice.”
“I think I like you,” I say, the words sounding awkward and clunky. I sound like a goofy teenager. I don’t think I’ve ever been in ‘like’ with a woman before, though. Maybe it sounds dumb because I’ve never said it before. Maybe it sounds dumb because it’s not the whole truth. Maybe I don’t just like her.
She giggles, pecking me on the lips. “I’m glad. I think I like you too, but you know I have a lot of burning questions right now.”
I roll her over on her back and fight the urge to just lay on top of her, cover her, make sure she can’t get up and go anywhere.
“I know. You’re gonna have to hold that thought though.”
I toss the condom in the garbage can and slide on my sweatpants. I walk out into the kitchen to grab us some water and stand there for a minute, staring at Jesse as he sleeps peacefully on the couch.
When I come back in the bedroom, she’s sitting on the edge of my bed in my t-shirt and a pair of shorts. I hand her a bottle of water and pull back the covers.
“Come here,” I say, laying down on the bed, motioning for her to join me. She looks confused.
“What are you going to do?” she asks.
“Well, I’
m gonna wrap my arms around you, close my eyes, and snore in your ear all night long.”
She crawls up on the bed next to me, sliding under the covers. “I mean about everything. Who was that woman? Was she your girlfriend?”
“Azalea,” I say, bringing her fingers to my lips. “I’ve never had a girlfriend before. I never wanted one. My addiction was the only relationship I wanted to have, and the only women I hung around with were ones who would let me feed that. When Delaney and I were together, it was because she let me kill myself every day like I wanted to because she was doing the same things. It was convenient.”
“It sounds lonely,” she says, curling up closer to me.
“I like being alone.”
She rubs her legs up against mine, her toe grazing the big scar on the side of my calf.
“What’s that?” she asks.
“Motorcycle accident. One of the best things that ever happened to me. It was kind of the start of getting my shit together.”
Now that I think about it, most of the best things that happened to me were tragedies. The accident that pushed me to finally start seeing through my dad’s bullshit, overdosing and leaving Delaney, the day when Gavin came and got me from my mother’s place and she killed herself. I’ve been thriving on these tragedies my whole life.
“Do you think I’ll be a good dad?” I ask.
“Well,” she says, “I don’t see why you wouldn’t be. But I think that’s a choice you have to actively make. You’ll be as good of a dad as you want to be.”
“I feel like an idiot. I don’t know what this kid needs. I don’t even know where to start. We didn’t exactly grow up with normal.”
“I think you know exactly what this kid needs. He needs the opposite of what you had. He needs you to be there for him, make him feel safe, raise him to be a good man. The rest of the stuff,” she sighs, “the clothes and the toys and the school and the doctors and whatever… I’ll be here to help you with that. That’s the easy stuff.”
I wrap my arm around her even tighter. She puts my mind at ease. Maybe I make her feel safe, but she makes me feel like everything is going to be alright. How I ever questioned her loyalty or thought she could be anything but a decent person, I don’t know. I have a feeling she’s here to save me from that side of myself.
It feels so good having her in my arms. I don’t know how I ever slept any other way. She’s snoring before I have a chance to say anything else, even though I want to dump my guts out to her and tell her everything she needs to know about me, and that’s ok. Maybe she’s my fake fiancée for the moment, but I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to show her how much I really love her.
Fifteen Years Ago
Goob:
The snow had just started falling for the year. I was so excited because school was canceled that day. Little did I know, while my mother was walking me out to the car, that I wouldn’t have to go to school for a long time.
The man sitting in the driver’s side of the black SUV didn’t look like any guy I’d ever met in my life before. He was skinny and wore a stupid looking gold windbreaker jacket. His hair looked like it was covered in grease and he had a tiny ponytail and one gold earring shaped like a lightning bolt. He looked like the kind of guy my dad would beat up. I wonder why he didn’t?
My dad didn’t argue at all, he just helped carry my bags out to the car and buckled me up in the back seat.
“Be good for your mother,” he said, giving me a hug.
“I want Aunt Trixie!” I yelled. “I want to see Heat!” I wanted to say goodbye to my family so that they knew I didn’t run away and they wouldn’t worry about me. “Mom!” I screamed, kicking the back of the seat of the car.
“They know you’re going to come hang out with me for a little while, Goob. It’s alright. You’ll see them soon.”
“Can they come over and visit?”
“Sure,” she says. She lights up a cigarette and gets in the passenger seat. My dad shuts the door behind me before I can say anything else. I see Esther standing in the doorway of the clubhouse crying. My dad goes to hug her and she shoves him into a pile of snow and starts running after the car, but it’s too late. I try to roll down my window, but it’s locked.
“I can’t breathe!” I scream. I don’t know what’s happening. All I know is these two strangers are taking me away.
“Is he always so whiny?” the creepy man asks.
“How should I know? This was your idea, Larry.”
We drive down the side of the mountain and I try and think of how I’m going to make my great escape. I don’t know where I would go if I jumped out of the car right now. My dad obviously doesn’t want me. My family thinks I should go with my mom. The only person that doesn’t see anything wrong with this is Esther, and what does she know? All she does is cry.
Now I want to cry. I’m scared. I thought moms were supposed to want to hug you and take care of you, but she’s too busy digging around in her purse to pay attention to me. Maybe she has some snacks in there.
“I’m hungry,” I whine.
“Of course that idiot didn’t feed you. That’s just like Moses. You’re going to have to wait,” my mom says.
“I have to go to the bathroom.”
“You’re going to have to hold it,” Larry yells. “I’m not stopping this car til we get out of this redneck butt-fucking town. This place gives me the creeps.”
“Where are we going?” I ask. I don’t know any town other than the one I grew up in. I thought everywhere was like here. I want to be a tough guy like Gavin, but I’m scared they’re going to take me somewhere where nobody is going to like me. What if I have to get a job and take care of myself? I burst into tears thinking about the kind of place they might be taking me. It could be the moon for all I know. “I’m not getting on a rocket ship!”
Larry turns up the music so loud, but I will scream louder. Maybe he’ll get so annoyed with me he’ll just leave me here on the side of the road.
“Goob,” my mom says, turning around to face me. She’s smiling. She is kind of pretty when she smiles. She looks like a fairy godmother from a movie or something. “Here,” she says, handing me a little white pill. “Eat this.”
“This isn’t food, Mom. It’s a pill. I’m not stupid.”
“Yes, but it will make you not hungry until we get on the road. Larry doesn’t want to stop in this town because he wants to take you to get some cheeseburgers and french fries.”
“Can I get a toy?” I ask.
She nods and smiles. Even at eight, I know what a bribe looks like. I’m too naive to know who I’m supposed to trust and who is out to hurt me, but if this pill does what she says it’s going to, and I’m going to get a cheeseburger and a toy, I’ll choke it down. “You know how to take a pill?” she asks. She passes me a bottle of water and I do my best. Before I know it, everything is getting blurry.
The loud music tickles my brain, I think I can feel it in my head. It makes me laugh. I’m definitely not hungry anymore. I try to keep my eyes open so I can remember where I’m going so I can call Gavin and tell him how to come get me, but I can’t. The instant I let them close all the way, everything goes black.
Chapter 20
I wake up to a loud scream. It makes the hair on my neck stand up. It’s wild, like a wounded animal crying for its mother. I sit bolt upright in the bed. I reach for her, but as I snap my eyes open, I realize she’s already sprinting for the living room.
I don’t know what to do. Jesse is screaming at the top of his lungs, crying so hard that he’s choking. Azalea scoops him up in her arms and hugs him.
“What’s wrong, buddy?” she asks. “Are you having a bad dream?”
“They’re going to hurt me,” he cries. “They’re going to kill my mom and then they’re going to kill me.”
“I promise, Jesse, nobody is ever going to hurt you,” she whispers, hugging him tight. “You’re safe here.”
I feel like I’m paralyzed. I don’t
want him to cry like that ever again. I don’t want him to feel that pain that I felt when I was a kid.
“Nobody will ever hurt you ever again,” I say. The two of them must not have noticed me standing there in the darkness. She turns to me with her sad smile.
“See?” she asks. “This guy will keep you safe.” His face is streaked with tears and he buries his head in her shoulder. “You want to come back into the room with us? That way you don’t have to be by yourself?”
She sets him down and walks him to the bathroom, turning on all the lights in the house as she goes. She waits outside the door for him and I feel so helpless. I feel like I’m just standing here twiddling my thumbs while she solves all our problems.
“What do I do?” I whisper. He runs out of the bathroom and grabs my hand with his tiny fingers.
“Nothin’.” She smiles. “You just be you.” The three of us go to the bedroom together, him clinging to my hand tightly the whole way.
He climbs right into the middle of the bed and positions himself in between the two pillows, immediately falling back to sleep. Never in a million years would I have envisioned this for my life. She crawls in beside him and lays down, staring up at the ceiling.
I kiss her on the forehead and lay down beside him, wondering if I’m cut out for this.
Wondering if I’m the kind of man who can actually put these two before myself and be what they need me to be. She drifts off in no time and I lay there watching over them, worried that if I fall asleep, I’ll wake up tomorrow and this will all go away.
Chapter 21
Stacy:
“Well, you assholes have certainly been keeping me fucking busy this week,” Jimmy Cliffton, the club’s lawyer says. I’ve been up pacing the house since four in the morning, sick to my stomach about Jesse and what could make a mother just abandon her child like that, even if she did do the right thing.