by Voss, Deja
He picks me up and I have to fight to keep my eyes open. I don’t want to fall asleep. I don’t want this moment to ever end. I’m the happiest guy on the planet.
I think I hear a gunshot when we get to the steps, but I’m probably just imagining things. Maybe this is all just a dream.
Chapter 28
Stacy:
Jesse and I are sitting on the back porch together. He’s pushing his trucks around the concrete slab, making all sorts of noise, and I’m just trying to get a little bit of that last summer sun on my skin. I know Hank told us to stay inside with the doors locked, but he’s definitely being a little paranoid.
I have my pistol tucked underneath the picnic table just in case, and the clubhouse is so close to our house that I can throw a rock at it. Esther’s having auditions for her whorehouse, so there’s been cars in and out all day. It’s way too beautiful to keep that kid cooped up inside, especially without an explanation.
I hear his motorcycle in the driveway, and part of me thinks I should scoop Jesse up and run in the house, but he’s gotta know that I’m not the kind of woman who’s just going to tolerate being left in the dark while he puts us on lockdown for lord knows what reason. I’m sure it has to do with his father, but after that day at the mall, I never really gave it a second thought.
I hear him stomping around the house, screaming my name, screaming Jesse’s name, and I peek my head through the window of the storm door. “We’re out here, babe. Chill out.”
Jesse comes running for the door. “Dad! Dad!” he screams. “Come look at what we did!”
He gives me the evil eye as Jesse drags him by the hand to the little racetrack we drew on the concrete with sidewalk chalk. I can tell he’s trying his best not to show that he’s pissed, but I have a really bad feeling in my guts that something big happened today.
“Wanna play?” Jesse asks him, batting his bright blue eyes.
“I do, but I’m pretty hungry. Do you think you could go inside and make me a peanut butter sandwich?”
He nods eagerly, always excited to help his dad out.
“No sharp knives!” I scold as he tears off through the door.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” he growls. “I told you to stay inside.”
“You’re being crazy, Hank. It’s a beautiful day. We’re fine out here. Look,” I say, pulling out my gun.
“Why do you think you’re so safe, huh? Is it because you have some extra protection? Is somebody watching over you?”
I thought we were way past this phase. I turn to go inside, not even trying to entertain his wild trust issues.
“You gotta talk to me,” he says, grabbing my wrist. “Are you working with the FBI?”
“Hank!” I shout. “No.”
“Were you?” he asks, pulling me closer. The glimmer in his blue eyes is less than kind. I don’t think he’d ever hurt me, but I know if I betrayed him or his club, he’d definitely kill me.
“No,” I say, overwhelmed by the urge to come clean to him. “Sleeping with, being engaged to, sneaking around with, being deathly afraid of, yes. Working with, no.”
He looks like I just punched him in the stomach. He clutches his head in his hands and walks slowly away.
“Hank, please, you need to hear me out.”
I don’t like seeing him like this. I’d rather see him pissed than speechless. I’d rather feel his hands on me than the sting of him walking away.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks.
“Because it’s irrelevant. Who Mark was and what he did, it has nothing to do with you and I. That part of my life is over. The only reason why I stayed with him as long as I did was because he had me by the balls. He told me the only way I could keep the club safe was to cooperate with him. I thought he loved me, but I didn’t know what love really was until I met you. He was just using me.”
“You’re sneaky, Azalea. How can I trust you?”
“I guess the choice is up to you,” I say with a shrug. I feel my face wet with tears, but I’m not going to let him break me for my past indiscretions. If he can’t love me for the woman that I’ve become, then things are never going to work between us. “I don’t ask you how many times you put needles in your arms or who you robbed for crack money or how many people you’ve murdered. I don’t ask you how many other illegitimate children you have running around. I don’t care. I love you for who you are now.”
“That’s some low shit right there,” he says. “It’s like you were just waiting for a day to throw that in my face.”
“No. I never thought I’d have to throw it in your face. I don’t fucking care, Hank. How many times do I have to say it?”
Jesse comes running around the corner, his hands and face brown and sticky, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich a leaky mess.
“I put chocolate syrup on it for you, Dad,” he says. “It’s gooder that way.”
“Better,” I correct him. I kiss him on his sticky cheek. “You’re delicious, peanut. I’ll be back in a little bit.”
“Azalea,” Hank says, staring me down with those cold blue eyes. “Where are you going?”
“I’m going for a ride. I need to clear my head.”
“I’m sorry,” he sighs. “I don’t want you to go.”
“I’ll be back,” I assure him. “Just, let me have some space for a minute.”
I know why he’s mad. I know why I’m mad. I think we’re both perfectly entitled to our opinions. I need to be out on the open road for a little bit though. I need to feel the wind on my face, to let it dry my tears. The longer I ride, the worse I feel though.
I’m not sad because he’s mad at me. I’m not angry at him for being angry.
I’m mad at myself for letting him down. I’m mad at myself for compromising the great life I’ve come to love with my unwillingness to face down my past.
Chapter 29
Goob:
“Thanks for meeting me here,” I say to Gavin and Brooks as they walk through the clubhouse door. The other guys are on their way, too. We need to have an emergency meeting on account of the fact that Moses might be up to something. Jesse is clinging to my thigh like a little spider monkey.
“Trouble in paradise?” Brooks asks, walking behind the bar and grabbing a beer, patting Jesse on the head on his way by.
“Aunt Stacy had to go get woman stuff,” Jesse says.
Gavin raises his eyebrows at me. “Tank caught me up on the surprise visit today. You didn’t do anything stupid, did ya?”
“No,” I say. It’s been a long road of gaining back my brother’s trust. From the drugs to all the problems I tried to cause between him and his wife early on to my alliance with our father for so many years, things have been shaky between us. I know he did the best he could with me when I was a kid, but he was just a young buck himself. Neither one of us knew what the hell we were supposed to be doing in this big bad world. All we knew was the club and the code we were raised by. “You know I’m not like that anymore.”
He pats me on the back. “I know.”
Soon, Clutch and Austin are here, followed by Tank and Forrest and Heat, and we all do a toast in honor of Red before we start our meeting. Jesse keeps himself busy playing with his trucks on the tile floor, and I remind myself to bathe him in hand sanitizer when we get home.
Brooks bangs the gavel and the meeting begins.
“Sorry I’m late,” Esther says, shuffling through the doorway. Brooks rolls his eyes at her as she takes her seat between him and Gavin. “You really think I’m going to miss a meeting about daddy issues?”
“I feel bad, guys,” I say. I genuinely do. “I just figured you all needed to know what was going on and I need your counsel on how I’m supposed to handle it.”
“Don’t feel bad,” Brooks assures me. “This is a club matter just as much as it’s a you matter. Now let me get this straight, Moses is in the area?”
“Last I talked to him was a few months ago. He asked me if I wanted to g
o to Daytona with him for bike week,” Heat says. “He was thinking about retiring down south. I have no idea where he was staying before that.”
“Well apparently Delaney tracked him down. It was enough to drag him out of his hole, wherever that is. I’ve tried asking Jesse but he just calls him the mean man and gets all sketchy when I bring it up.”
“The mean man,” Esther laughs. “You really are raising him to be a better child than we were.”
“He knows you have a kid?” Heat asks, nervously tapping his big gold ring off the wooden table. “Fuck, son.”
“He knows about Azalea too. He called her on my TracFone. Stalked her down at the mall apparently. I just found that out today.”
“What the hell is an Azalea?” Esther asks.
“Stacy,” I say.
“Well where’s the old bush, now?” she laughs.
“That’s cute, Esther,” Gavin says, obviously unimpressed. “Apparently out getting women things?”
“You pissed her off,” Tank says. “Please tell me you just pissed her off.”
“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you all. I’d never lay a hand on her. I love her more than any woman in the entire world. She’s going to be my wife. Delaney was talking out her ass. Yes, she was on the run. Yes, it’s complicated, but if I’ve learned anything from you guys, it’s that it doesn’t matter how badly the world fucks up the women we love, as soon as we find them, they’re perfect.”
“Are you done?” Esther asks, sticking her fingers down her throat and pretending to gag. “I think what we really need to be talking about here is which one of us gets to kill Dad.”
“Esther, you’re out of control,” Brooks says. “We’re not killing your father. As far as we know, he’s just stirring the shit pot. The best thing we can do is be vigilant, keep an eye out, and make sure that Rhododendron and Jesse are safe at all times. There’s only one of him and there’s so many of us. He’ll get bored. We just need to ride it out.”
“Okay, Prez,” she mutters under her breath.
“I want to know where he’s staying,” I say. “It’ll just make me feel better if we can keep an eye on him.”
“If you go to his house and shoot him without me, I’m going to be really fucking pissed,” Esther quips.
“I’ll get the word out to everyone. I’m sure he’s been in touch with some other clubs. I’m sure he’s just looking for a new club he can sink his claws into,” Brooks suggests.
“Or you could just call him,” Gavin says, shrugging. “I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen if you poke the bear?”
The thought makes me shudder. I never wanted to hear that man’s voice ever again. I never wanted to have to face him down.
“I’ll think about it,” I say. “Can we call this? I’m getting worried about her and I want to go home.”
“I think that’s a great idea,” Brooks says, pounding the gavel. “Let’s just play it day by day for now. No need to get all twisted just yet.”
I help Jesse put his trucks into his backpack while all my misfit brothers give him high fives. “You ready to go, kid?”
“Yeah, Dad,” he says.
“We’re doing dad now?” Esther asks. “I’m gonna cry.” She wraps her arms around me in a loving embrace. “I’m so proud of you.”
Jesse puts his hands over his face and makes a loud fart sound and starts cracking up.
“I’m proud of you too, Jesse. It only took me three tries to teach you that,” she giggles. “They’re gonna love you in preschool.”
We walk from the clubhouse to my house, the sun setting down over the mountain. When we walk in the front door, Azalea is laying on the couch under a blanket, the TV on, but her eyes closed. The house smells like her famous pulled pork, and I run my fingers through her hair, watching her sleep there so peacefully until her eyes blink open and she smiles.
“You’re really beautiful when you’re asleep. I mean, you’re beautiful all the time, but I could just watch you sleep for hours.”
“Well that’s borderline creepy,” she giggles. “Why are you being so sweet?”
“Cuz I’m sorry.”
“Are you sure you’re not just hungry?”
“I’m starving!” Jesse shouts.
“Of course you are, little one. How about you help me set the table.”
Chapter 30
Stacy:
I don’t like the idea of living my life under lockdown, but if it’s what I have to do to keep Jesse safe, so be it. It’s really not as bad as I thought it would be; I just need to make sure that if I go anywhere, one of the brothers either comes with me or follows behind if I want to take my bike. If I hear anything from Delaney or Moses, I need to contact someone immediately.
I don’t feel trapped, by any means. It’s freeing knowing that wherever I go, I’ll be safe. Wherever I go, this boy who’s turning into my son more and more every day will be protected by people who love him.
The night of our blowout argument, as we were getting ready for bed, he talked to me for the first time about his past. Hearing about his childhood, the things his mother did to him, the way his father abandoned him, I couldn’t stop crying, and that was only six-months-worth of the lifetime of trauma he sustained. I’m not surprised he had drug problems, living amongst a biker gang with nobody to look after him, and his dad sounds like a real asshole. I mean, my father wants me dead, but that’s because he thinks I worked with the FBI. Kidnapping your daughter to fuck over another one of your brothers is a whole different level of fucked-up.
Everything he told me, it hurt my heart. It made me sad for him, imagining a kid just like Jesse being drugged and abused, with no hope for safety except his brother.
Everything he told me made everything click. Everything he told me made me want to be the best woman possible to him. To show him that all women aren’t evil, and that I always have his best interest in mind.
“Shit, Hank,” I say to him on the phone. “I just realized Jesse needs to go for his booster shots today or we can’t start him in preschool next week. I can’t believe I didn’t write it down on the calendar. The doctor’s office just called.”
The guys are all out on a run for the club, and Esther’s watching Gavin’s daughter while Sloan works. Olive is home with the newborn, and I’m kind of at a loss for options.
“Just be careful,” he says. “Straight there, straight home, call me if you see or hear anything weird.”
“Absolutely,” I promise him. “You guys be safe, too. I love you.”
I finish getting Jesse dressed and pack some toys in his backpack just in case we end up having to wait at the doctor’s office. I put him in his booster seat in the big black truck, and down the hill we go.
I try not to speed, but I am so mad at myself for forgetting this one important thing. Between therapist appointments, doctor’s appointments, and play dates, we have one hell of an active schedule, but I hate thinking that I let him down even just a little bit.
“Where are we even going?” he asks. I look in the rearview mirror and he’s trying to tie his shoes.
“Just a little doctor’s appointment. If you’re nice, we can get a treat on the ride home.”
“They’re gonna shoot me, aren’t they?” He groans dramatically.
“Just a little pinch. You’re a tough guy, aren’t you?”
I can tell by the look on his face he’s not really happy about this. I’d rather tell him the truth, though, so we can talk about it now, than let him be surprised when we get there.
“You want to go to preschool don’t you, Jesse? Everybody who goes to preschool has to get this shot.”
“Did you have to?”
“I did! It was a very long time ago, though. I don’t even remember it.”
Once we get on the highway, I start feeling a little bit relieved. We pull into the strip mall where Doctor Perkin’s office is, and as I go to look for a parking spot, I notice the lights aren’t on in the bui
lding. I can’t hardly believe they would call us and then just close for the day before we had a chance to get here. It’s only been about twenty minutes and I promised them I was on my way.
“You stay put,” I say. I parked as close as possible, and I’m just going to run to the door real quick and make sure they actually are open. Maybe I misheard. Maybe I have to take him to the clinic to get his shot. I leave the truck running with the air conditioner on and sprint to the door, looking over my shoulder the whole way.
Closed Mondays, the sign reads. I thought so. This is really strange. I tug on the door anyway just to be sure, but they are definitely closed. As I walk back to the truck, a white work van pulls up alongside it, and I sprint a little quicker because I can’t see Jesse. I know I’m just being paranoid, but today just feels off.
As I round the side of the truck, my blood pumps cold in my veins. Delaney is standing there, tugging on the locked driver’s side back door of the truck, trying to get in.
“Can I help you?” I ask, ready for a fight. She’s tried stirring shit up in my relationship, she’s dumped her kid off on me and Hank, and she looks like she hasn’t even made an attempt to get clean like she promised him. I am all about Jesse having a relationship with his mother, but it’s not going to be on her terms, especially not like this.
“Please,” she begs. I know I could take her out in one punch. She looks so frail that if I breathed on her the wrong way, I’d break her in half. “I just want to see my son.”
“Well, you’re going to have to call Hank and we can make arrangements.”
“You’re a heartless bitch,” she sneers. She begins to pound on the window of the truck, screaming, “Jesse! Jesse! Your mom is here! Don’t you want to see your mom? Are you in there, baby?”
I don’t know what to do. I should just jump in the truck and drive away as quickly as possible, but I don’t know what’s in his best interest. We’ve never really talked about his mother, other than things his therapist has told me. He hasn’t said much about her other than the fact that he doesn’t want us to send him back to wherever he came from. I can’t make him afraid of her just because I think I know what’s best for him.