by Voss, Deja
“Did you eat anything today, little man?” I ask. Knowing his mother and grandfather, he probably hasn’t.
“Is this the part where I get ice cream for being good?” he asks.
“Well I’m not going to win any father of the year award for today as it is,” Hank shrugs. “Sure, ice cream for dinner.” We drive to a little roadside ice cream stand, and Heat gets out to order for us. Between the blood on Hank’s hands, the dirt all over Jesse’s face, and the strangle marks on my neck, we look like a bunch of broken toys. We can’t get home soon enough. I’ve had enough of the rest of the world today.
By the time we reach the top of the mountain, Jesse is snoring away, his head in my lap. Nobody’s said anything in a long time. We’re all stressed out, tired, reeling from everything we experienced, both individually and collectively.
Heat drops us off at the house, and I carry Jesse inside while Hank unlocks the door. He flicks on the lights in the living room and everything looks exactly like we left it. It looks like just another day in our lives went by: Jesse’s trucks lined up on the coffee table, dirty dishes from breakfast in the sink. Nothing is different, even though I have a feeling everything is changed.
I don’t even bother changing Jesse for bed. He’s filthy, sticky with ice cream, and caked in dirt, grass stains all over his little jean shorts, but he’s sleeping so soundly, smiling while he dozes, he looks like a little angel. We can get cleaned up in the morning. I have a feeling we have a lot of unpacking to do over the next few days.
Hank stands in the doorway, silently. He looks so distant, even though I could reach out and grab him. He looks like he’s checked out, just a shell of a man. He hasn’t looked that way since the first time we were together, that night in the hotel room. He looks like whatever flame he had in his heart has burned out.
It scares me. Even though Jesse and I were the ones who were taken today, he’s the one who got lost.
When Jesse is all tucked in, his blankets pulled up to his chin, the sweet sound of his snoring enough to calm my nerves, I know what I have to do now. I have to take care of the man who I love the most, the reason why I’m here. I need to be here to support him, even if that means falling apart with him.
“Come on,” I whisper, grabbing him by the hand. His body is rigid, his eyes never leaving his son. He squeezes my hand.
“I can’t,” he says. I can tell by the catch in his voice, he’s about to break down. My big strong mountain man, my steadfast and stoic biker is about to shatter. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Come on,” I urge again. “ He’s going to be ok. He knows where to find us.”
I take his hand in mine, leading him through the house, back to our bedroom. It’s dark, but the moonlight shines through the cracks in the window blinds, illuminating his face just enough that I can see the tears welling in the corners of his brilliant blue eyes.
I walk into our master bathroom, turning on the water in the shower. He doesn’t say a word, just stands there stiffly, watching my every move.
“It’s ok,” I whisper, sliding my hands underneath his blood-stained T-shirt, pulling it off over his head. I press my lips to his chest, kissing his chiseled muscles, but he pulls away.
“I don’t deserve this, Azalea,” he whispers. “I don’t deserve you and I don’t deserve Jesse,” he says. “I’m a bad man.”
I press my finger to his lips, sliding down his jeans, helping him step out of the rest of his clothes. I guide him to the shower, tracing my hand up and down the small of his back.
“You don’t have to talk, Hank,” I say. “You don’t have to think. Just let me take care of you.”
I sit on the ledge of the bathtub, looking up at him while he stands underneath the water, unmoving, staring at the wall of the shower.
“It’s going to be okay, you know.” I’m trying to hold myself together, but seeing him like this is making me nervous. He’s broken, and I don’t know if I have what it takes to put him back together. “It’s over now. We’re all here together. Nobody’s going anywhere ever again. We’re going to get married and be a real family.”
He drops his head into his hands, sobbing, his whole body shaking.
“I ruined him. I ruined you. Everything I touch, I ruin. Everything good that comes into my life, I let it go to shit. You need to take him and go somewhere safe. You need to get as far away from here as possible. I’ll give you whatever you need. I’ll give you everything I have.” He’s bawling now, as he slides to the floor, sitting underneath the water pounding from above, hugging his knees tight like a scared little child.
I crawl over the ledge of the tub, fully clothed and kneel behind him, hugging him as tightly to my body as I can while he tries to jerk away.
“You didn’t ruin anyone. You saved him. You saved me. I don’t know where I’d be without you, Hank. Probably dead in a dumpster somewhere. And that little boy? He’s resilient. He’s just like you. He’s going to be back to normal in no time, and he has a father and a mother who love him so much and will never let him go through the hell you’ve been through. We’ll make sure Delaney and your father stay far away from him for the rest of his life.”
“They’re dead,” he says sternly, for the first time his voice not wavering. “He watched his mother get eaten alive by a dog. My dad had him tied up. He was so scared, Azalea. I’m gonna be sick,” he groans.
“Holy shit,” I mutter. I reach for the garbage can and set it next to him as he loses his guts. I knew it was bad.
“He’s going to get taken away from us, Azalea. If anyone hears about what happened today, there’s no way in hell they’re going to let him stay here with me. He’s going to get sent to a foster home. You need to take him.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
He’s dry heaving now, the contents of his stomach long gone.
“You are,” he says. “Tomorrow. You’re out of here. It’s for your own good.”
My heart is breaking, and the way he’s jerking away from me like he’s repulsed by me or something is making this more difficult. I know he’s hurting, protecting himself like a wounded animal, and the fact that the blood stains on his body are swirling around on the shower floor and down into the drain just make it all the more ugly.
“No,” I demand. “Look at me, Hank.”
I sit between his legs on the floor and stare into his distant eyes, the water pounding down over my head.
“I’ve told you from day one, the past, your past, whatever brought us here, I don’t give a fuck.” I grab his hand and press his fingers to my lips. “You’re my world now. Tomorrow is a new day. If you cut me loose, I will die of a broken heart. If you send that little boy away, he’ll never be able to trust anyone ever again. That’s not you, Hank. That’s your demons talking.”
“I can’t keep you safe. This isn’t a life for a woman like you. It’s not a life for a smart kid like Jesse. We’re a bunch of fuckups and losers. You two deserve so much more than that.”
There’s no way to win with him right now. There’s nothing I can do but be here with him while he completely self-destructs, hold him close, assure him that he’s just going through a lot.
“I killed my father. What kind of man kills their father?” he sobs.
“The kind of man who would do anything for their family. The kind of man that any woman would be lucky to have as a husband.”
“I let you down,” he growls.
“Stop,” I insist. I run my fingers through his wet mohawk, staring into his eyes, smiling.
“I’m just going to hurt you.”
I grab the bottle of body wash and make a lather in my hands, massaging it down his shoulders, my eyes not leaving his. “I love you,” I taunt.
“I’m a junkie, Azalea. I’m a fuckup.”
I run my hands down his chest, digging my fingers into his weary muscles. “I think you’re great,” I tease.
“I’m just a criminal,” he groans as my hands move down his
side, down to his thighs, stroking those strong hairy legs that I love to have wrapped around my body. “I’m not cut out to be a husband.”
“Well, I personally like that in you,” I whisper in his ear. “Makes me feel special that of all the women in the world, you might want to try and settle down with me.”
He grabs me by the chin and tilts my head to the side, pressing his lips to my cheek. I turn my head and giggle, trying to catch his mouth with my lips.
“I just lost my lunch,” he reminds me.
“That’s how much I love you. I don’t even care.” He wraps his big strong arms around me, holding me tight.
“Well, I do,” he says, planting a kiss on my shoulder. “And you need to get out of these wet clothes before you get sick or something.” He helps me off of the shower floor, peeling my clothes off my body as I rinse the soap from his. Something about the two of us standing there, completely stripped down, confused and conflicted about every damn thing in this whole world except our love for each other and our desire to be good parents, is bittersweet. You’d think a day like today would age you a couple years, but I feel younger and dumber now than I did the day we met.
I’m clueless. All I know is that I have the best partner in the world to navigate this crazy life with.
The sexiest partner in the world.
He hands me a big fluffy towel and I wrap it around my goose-bumped body while he brushes his teeth. He stares at me with those icy blue eyes and I drop the towel to the floor, my nipples hard with lust for his touch, my pussy quivering, craving the comfort of him inside of me. Everything about this man turns me on. Good or bad, his perfect ass, his chiseled abs, the way he stares at me like he’s going to devour me, it gives me the chills. It makes me wet.
He picks me up in his arms, and I wrap my legs around his waist, feeling his cock hardening between my thighs as he carries me to the bed and lays me down.
His mouth goes straight to my nipples, flicking my tender nubs with his tongue, tugging at them with his teeth, pulling on them until I let out a satisfied groan. My back arches and my hips buck.
“I want you inside me,” I plead. “Fuck me, Hank.” I reach for his cock, stroking it in my palm, feeling it grow harder and harder, precum oozing from the tip. “Fuck me til you feel better. Take it out on me.”
“No,” he whispers, smiling. “You already make me feel better. Just by being you. I’m going to fuck you til you feel better. Then I’m going to wrap my arms around you and never let you go again.”
He presses his lips to mine, his tongue swirling hungrily in my mouth as he traces his cock up and down my dripping wet slit. I gasp as he inches his way inside of me, gripping the tender flesh of my ass in his hand, thrusting in and out of my pussy slow and hard, just the way I like it.
“I want to cum in you,” he growls in my ear. “I want to fill your pussy with my load. From now on,” he says.
“You’re not gonna kick me out now?” I tease, clenching down on his dick with my walls, squeezing him that way I know drives him wild.
“No,” he says, his breath hot on my neck. “I’m gonna make you an honest woman. You’re perfect, Azalea.”
My body gives in to an intense orgasm as he saws in and out of me, pressing on my G-spot with his hot throbbing cock. I feel him stiffen and twitch, filling my insides with life, grunting as he collapses on top of me. He rolls me on top of him, softening inside of me, his hands running up and down my back as our hearts beat together.
“You make me want to be better,” he says. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. When I found out what was going on today, when I thought I might lose you, I thought maybe it would be easier to just push you away then to have to face the fact that you might leave on your own someday when you knew me better.”
“I know you inside and out, Hank,” I sigh. “I know you enough to know that, unless someone comes and kidnaps me, I’m never going to leave your side. And I don’t think that’s going to happen ever again. You’re stuck with me.”
I rest my head on his chest, the sound of his breathing lulling me to sleep. He brushes his hand through my hair, and I close my eyes, dreaming about all the exciting things our future is going to bring now that we’ve both cleaned up our pasts.
***
I wake up alone, the bedsheet haphazardly draped over my body, balled up and wrapped around me like a piece of rope. It looks like I was having a boxing match in my sleep, and I’m drenched in sweat, goose bumps covering my skin as the cool morning air blows in through the open window.
I’m panicking. It’s easy to think that everything is going to be alright in a moment of passion. It’s easy to feel safe in his arms. I don’t know if I make him feel the same, though. I don’t know if I have the power to be strong enough for him, even though I’m going to try like hell.
“Hank!” I shout, jumping out of bed and throwing on a pair of shorts and a tank top. The bedroom door is pulled closed, and I throw it open, peeking out into the living room.
“Jesse!” I call. I know he was passed out pretty hard last night, but I’m sure he has to be starving by now. He needs a bath and a meal that isn’t pure sugar.
“Guys? Where are you?” I yell. Where could they have possibly gone? I look at the clock and it’s well after noon. I can’t believe I passed out for so long. I feel so irresponsible.
The cool air blowing through the window smells like fresh cut grass. As it washes over my senses, a smile creeps across my face. I step out on the back porch and laugh as I spot the two of them, making circles in the yard on the riding lawn mower, Jesse wearing a motorcycle helmet.
He might not think he’s the best dad, but right now, I know in my heart that he’s the perfect dad. He’s the perfect man. He’s my everything and I’m more than happy to share him with this amazing little boy.
I run through the fresh cut grass in my bare feet, waving my arms. Hank spots me and smiles, slowing the lawnmower to a stop. I kiss him on the lips while Jesse hops off and takes off his helmet.
“Hey, little guy,” I say, scooping him up in my arms. He’s freshly bathed and grinning from ear to ear. “Are you having fun?”
“I have to tell you something,” he says, poking me in the chest. “It’s very important.”
Hank’s standing there with his hands in his pockets, just grinning at me like a goofball.
“My dad says I shouldn’t call you Aunt Stacy anymore. He says that’s just your made-up name.”
“Oh yeah? Well what does your dad think you should call me, then?”
“He says I should call you Mommy. He’s going to marry you so you can be my real mom and he can be my real dad. Show her, Dad!” he squeals.
I feel the tears starting already.
“Jesse and I went shopping today while you were sleeping,” he says, pulling the black box out of his pocket. “The kid has expensive taste.” He drops to one knee and opens the box for me, the diamond circled with little red rubies sparkling in the sun. “I wanted to do this right this time.”
“You didn’t have to, Hank. You know that.”
“I wanted to,” he smiles. “I want to do this right. Azalea Phoenix, will you marry me?”
“Of course!” I say.
“Put me down,” Jesse asks. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a box of his own. Inside is a silver chain with three little red hearts hanging from it. “Amelia Felice, will you be my mom?”
I can’t contain my emotions. Tears roll down my face, joyful tears, the kind of tears that wash away a lifetime of hurt, confusion, being used and lied to, being a pawn for people who didn’t really care about me. These two, they don’t ask anything from me except for my heart. I don’t have to run anymore. I can be whoever I want to be—Azalea Phoenix Boden—the woman I was meant to be.
Epilogue
Goob:
“I’m sorry I’m late.” Church is already in session and everyone stops talking, staring at me in complete silence as I walk into the clubhou
se and take my seat at the table. The way Gavin is scowling at me brings back old memories of the way he used to look at me every time my junkie ass used to make some sort of excuse for letting down the club. “Dude, don’t schedule my wife to work during church and we won’t have this problem,” I say to him.
Maybe I was brought up to live and die by this patch, and I would do anything for my brothers, but my son comes first, and he doesn’t need to see this shit. The clubhouse is not where I want him hanging out. This part of my life is one that I’m going to do whatever it takes to protect him from. I might not be the best father in the world, but I’m going to make damn sure that I do better for him than my father did by me.
“Hand it over,” Gavin says sternly, holding out his hand.
“What?”
“Your cut,” he says. “Fucking hand it over.”
I have done a lot of shitty things in my day. I have a lot of regrets. The crimes I committed against the club at the peak of my addiction were things that I should’ve been booted for long ago. If being fifteen minutes late for church is my highest sin, then fuck it. I stand up from the long wooden table and strip out of my leather vest, tossing it at him.
“We’re gonna need a new tailgunner,” Brooks says, not looking up from the table.
It’s a stupid title anyway, I think. Just somewhere they jammed me because they didn’t know what else to do with me. I’ve never been responsible or consistent enough to hold an important position, but since I was the president’s son for so many years, I was entitled.
Gavin pulls his pocket knife out and begins to cut the stitching from my tailgunner patch.
“Whatever,” I mutter under my breath, and turn to leave the room. If they want to pull this shit, it’s time for me to move along. As long as I have my wife and my kid, I’m going to be fine, no matter where we end up.
“Sit your ass down, Goob,” Brooks says. “We need to talk. We watched you grow up in this club, and we’ve all let you down more times than I can count on my fingers and toes. How you were raised, that was fucked up. What we turned you into, we created a monster. You were out of control and we couldn’t help you. It was easier for us to just shove you to the side and hope you landed on your feet, and that’s not right.”