by Voss, Deja
I look at the fingerprints on my arm. They don’t really hurt. I think I’m stunned because all I do is nod while she takes my hand and helps me off the stage.
“Let’s go get your stuff out of the dressing room and I’ll walk you to your apartment. I think you had enough excitement for your first night.”
“I’m fine,” I plead. “I swear. I don’t want to be a burden. I like it here.”
“You’re not a burden whatsoever. That was a total fluke. I promise it will never happen again.”
“You’re damn right it won’t,” a voice calls from behind us. I turn and look over my shoulder and am paralyzed by those piercing blue eyes. It’s the man from earlier. Up close and personal, he’s even hotter. His square jawline is covered in a light stubble, and I can see his abs popping through his t-shirt. I can’t talk. I swear my palms are sweating. He’s definitely too old for me. I’m sure he’s experienced beyond anything I could even imagine. Something about that terrifies and excites me at the same time.
“This is my brother Micah,” Esther says. “He’s gonna work security around here for a little bit.”
“Oh,” is all I can fathom, trying not to stare into those eyes for fear that I’ll just rip my dress off and hand it over to him as an initial offering to warm him up. He can have my virginity for dessert.
“This is our new girl, Amber. Keep a special eye out for her, please. She’s not like the rest of us.”
Way to blow up my spot, Esther. He probably thinks I’m a total dork. He probably thinks I’m just some young girl who’s in way over my head. He’d probably be right.
“Nice to meet you,” he says with a smile.
The sound of glass shattering and tables being dragged across the floor stops the three of us in our tracks.
“I gotta go,” he says. Esther starts walking me to the dressing room faster, but I try and steal looks of the scene going on in front of me. You’d think I’d be scared, watching these bikers hurling chairs at each other and throwing punches, but as I watch Micah and the rest of the Misfits dive right in, pulling bodies apart and tossing them out the door, I feel safe. I feel protected. I know they won’t let me get hurt.
The music comes to a stop and the lights flick on, and everyone scatters, Micah standing in the middle of the chaos with a guy in a headlock. I swear he winks at me and I feel myself blush.
“It’s not always like this, I promise.” Esther stands beside me while I grab my stuff out of my locker, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. “These guys are a royal pain in my ass.”
“I had fun.” More fun than I’ve ever had in my entire life. Something about being Amber the dancer is so freeing. Something about being so far away from home, living this secret life, is so exciting.
“Did you make any money?” she asks.
I nod. I had nearly forgotten about the giant wad of cash I stuffed in my tote bag.
She walks me down to my apartment in the basement. There are girls standing in the hallway smoking cigarettes, drinking beer, and laughing loudly, and they all greet us as we walk past. I never had the college experience, never lived in a dorm, but I imagine this is what it’s like.
“You sure you’re okay?” she asks as I unlock the stainless steel door.
“I promise! Why are you so worried about me?” I’m flattered that she’s taken a special interest in my safety and comfort, but I don’t want the other girls to think I’m getting special treatment. I want to be able to blend in just like the rest.
“I worry about everyone who works here. You ask any of these girls. I want you all to be safe and happy and make a lot of money. That’s my main goal.”
“That’s sweet,” I say stepping inside.
“Plus you remind me of somebody. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something in my gut is telling me you need a friend. Goodnight, Amber,” she says, pulling the door closed behind me.
I lock the door and hit the deadbolt, thinking about what she just said. She has to know my mom. Even if she’s not here anymore, she has to have some clue.
This basement apartment is super nice. I have my own bathroom with a big bathtub and Esther even made me a welcome to the ranch basket with bubble bath, chocolates, and all sorts of lotion and scented candles. The comforter on the bed is so fluffy and comfy, this thing is probably worth more than my car. There are fake flowers everywhere, and there’s a flat screen TV hanging on the wall. I even have a little efficiency kitchen with one of those fancy coffee pots that takes single-serving packets.
It’s definitely nicer than my crappy apartment at home. If only it was closer, then I could just move in here permanently.
Yeah right. If it were closer, then there’s no way in hell I’d be dancing here. If Aunt June caught one whiff of what I was doing, she’d be heartbroken. She wouldn’t get it. Nothing about what I’m doing feels wrong to me; I’ve worked hard to have a body like mine, and I’m good at dancing. What’s the harm in showing it off and making a little cash on the side. It’s not like I’m ‘working the upstairs’.
I dump out my tote bag on the bed, checking my phone. No calls from June. She knows these “yoga retreats” I go to are usually no cell phones allowed, but I’m sure she’d call me if anything happened to Mama.
I’m half-tempted to lay down in the giant pile of dollar bills and make a snow angel on the bed. I’ve never seen this much money before in my life. I flip on the TV to some goofy reality show about women who get married to guys they never met while they’re in prison, and open up a bag of gummy bears while I organize my cash.
I definitely made more money in the two hours I was out there than I do in a week at the studio, and I still get paid an hourly wage on top of that. Shit, if I could hang on to this job for another ten years and save every penny I make, I could probably retire by the time I’m thirty. Then I can just put this little indiscretion behind me, meet a man, fall in love, and do the stay at home mom thing.
Maybe that was what my mother was trying to do. Make a better life so she could support me. Maybe she just needed to go away for a little bit and get her life together so that she didn’t need to rely on Grandma for anything when it was time for her to take me back. What happened between here and there, though? I unfold the picture of her and trace my fingers over it. I know I can’t actually feel her, but I feel like she’s here with me.
I put the cash in the little safe in the wall and lock it up. I tuck the picture of my mom away in my nightstand, hoping that tomorrow I get up the courage to say something to Esther about her.
As I slide under the nice cool sheets and turn out the lights, my mind wanders in a totally different direction. That man. Micah. His sexy eyes and bulging muscles. The way he looked at me when he promised me he’d protect me. I imagine what it’d be like to kiss a man like that, and I feel that familiar trembling in my thighs.
He turns me on.
Like a dog chasing a car tire, I don’t even know what I’d do with a man like him, though, even if I got him alone. I think I could figure it out. Or maybe he’d have to show me…
I fall asleep with a smile on my face, dreaming of what would happen if I decided I wanted to take him off somewhere and give him a private dance.
Chapter 14
“How do you take your coffee?” Jasmine asks as we walk around the giant table of food set up in the middle of the strip club.
“Sugar, milk, more sugar,” I laugh. “This is pretty awesome.” I pile a couple doughnuts on my plate and grab a banana just for good measure.
“You seriously live on sugar? How do you keep your figure?”
“Just wait til she turns thirty,” Sandy laughs. “You even look at one of those doughnuts and you’ll put on five pounds. Ask me how I know!”
“Holy crap, you’re thirty?” I ask. I thought she was much closer to my age. She looks so young, and even if the doughnut thing is true, she has an awesome body.
“I wish,” she sighs, filling her plate up with fruit. “I’ll be forty in Ju
ly.”
“No way.”
It’s nice that Esther set up a family breakfast for everyone that works at the ranch. Seeing everyone in the daylight without their make-up on is kind of strange. At night, everyone seems so glamorous and over the top, but today, I feel like I’m surrounded by a bunch of normal people.
I take a seat at a table with Sandy and Jasmine and start squeezing the frosting out my doughnut into my mouth.
“Easy there, girl,” Jasmine laughs. “We don’t open until nine tonight. Save the party tricks for later.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I shrug.
“You really don’t, do you?” Sandy asks. “Like, you really are as innocent as you put on.”
“I guess,” I say. “Is that a bad thing?”
“Not bad. It just makes you kind of powerful around here. Dangerous, even. You’re probably worth more than all of us put together.”
I feel a little uncomfortable. I know they’re judging me hard. I know they might even be jealous of me. I don’t know why they’re so concerned about my ‘innocence’ though.
“Don’t talk down to yourself, Sandy,” I say. “Everyone’s a valuable person.”
I pick up my plate and walk away. I have a few hours to kill before I have to start getting ready, and I think I’m going to do a little sightseeing. I haven’t seen anything beyond the walls of this ranch, and I’m certain there’s a lot more to this mountain than that. Maybe my mom lives in one of these houses down the road. Maybe she doesn’t party anymore. Maybe she has more kids than just me, and she has to stay home and take care of them.
I have my yoga mat rolled up on my back, thinking I can just find a nice shady spot on the lawn and practice for a while while I keep an eye out for any excitement. It’s a pretty warm spring morning, and I kick off my flip-flops and unroll my mat in the yard underneath a big tree.
I do a couple rounds of sun salutations to get warmed up and slide out of my hoodie. It feels so good doing yoga up here in the clean air, in the woods; the only sounds I hear are the birds chirping and the sound of a stream rushing not too far away from me. Maybe I didn’t lie to Aunt June. This is kind of like a yoga retreat to me.
I stretch out into pigeon pose, my hips cracking as I tug my toe up towards my head and let my chest open to the sky, the sun shining down on my face. I close my eyes and enjoy the stretch, like a happy little hippo sunning myself on the bank of a river.
The clouds cover the sun, or so I think, and I snap my eyes open. Standing in front of me is a mountain of a man, redheaded and stocky.
“Hey, you’re stealing my sunshine,” I say. “Can you move?”
“Sorry. I can keep you warm, if you know what I’m saying.”
“I’m not cold,” I say. I rest my hands on the ground and switch sides, facing away from him so I can stretch my other leg.
“You work at the ranch, don’t you?” he asks. “I’m Austin. I noticed you dancing last night. You’re pretty good.”
“Thanks,” I smile, closing my eyes, and breathing through my nose, hoping he gets the hint that I’m not trying to chat right now. It’s one thing to take off my clothes in a dark room in front of a bunch of strangers. It’s another thing when they want to invade my personal space. It makes me feel kind of gross, thinking that this guy is probably imagining me naked right now.
“Is it true what everybody is saying?” he asks, crouching down on the ground next to me.
I let out a loud sigh and untangle my body from my damn near perfect pigeon. Apparently he’s not good at taking a hint.
“Everybody is saying you’re a virgin,” he says, raising his eyebrows in a creepy way. I didn’t think he was bad-looking until he did that. Now I’m pretty sure this guy is a jerk. “I just figured it was a publicity stunt or something.”
“No publicity stunts here. What’s the big deal?”
“Well you know you’re probably going to have to rip that Band-Aid off pretty quick here if you want to keep your job. If you need any help, I totally volunteer.”
I’m too busy trying to keep myself from throwing up in my mouth to notice Micah walking across the lawn right towards us.
“Is this moron harassing you?” he asks. He’s wearing this crisp white t-shirt that accentuates the slight suntan of his skin and makes his teeth look whiter than usual and his eyes that much bluer. The way he stands there with his arms crossed over his chest accentuates every single cord of his muscles.
“Relax,” I say to him. “we’re not on the clock. Austin here was just kindly offering to take my virginity for me. Well, ‘rip off the Band-Aid’ I guess is what you folks call it around here.”
“And?” Micah asks, looking fascinated.
“I haven’t said no yet.”
“There’s hope, Micah,” he says, stroking his red beard and winking at me.
“In fact… I have a really great idea. If you can hold a handstand for thirty seconds, I’ll take you to my room right now and let you have your way with me.”
Micah starts to crack up, and Austin looks like the gears in his head are turning so fast that smoke’s gonna start shooting out of his ears.
“Can I use that tree?” he asks. I shake my head no. “How many tries do I have?”
“As many as you can get in in the next two minutes. Ready?” I ask, patting on my mat and getting out of his way.
His first three efforts are epic flops. After the fourth try, I can’t look anymore, afraid that he’s going to break his neck. I grab Micah by the arm.
“Wanna get out of here?” I ask.
“I can’t stop looking. It’s like a train wreck,” he chuckles. “You’re a brave woman. What if he was a secret handstand champion?”
“We didn’t shake on it,” I shrug. “Besides, I’m a fast runner.
“So you’re Esther’s brother?” I ask. We walk through the yard to a picnic table, and he motions for me to sit down across from him. I can smell his bodywash on his skin; it’s minty and musky, and I wonder if he’d care if I buried my face in his shirt. Probably too soon for that.
“I am. Esther’s my sister, Gavin and Goob are my brothers. I’m sure you’ve met most of the crew.”
“I think so? It’s been kind of overwhelming. This is only my second official day here, actually.” I have met so many people, some more memorable than others. Micah, for example, I only needed to meet him once to remember who he was, and I am trying to avoid those blue eyes of his as we talk because I’m afraid I’m going to start drooling all over this table.
“So what are you doing here? Obviously this isn’t your scene.”
I feel like he’s the kind of guy I can open up to, but not quite yet. He doesn’t need to know about my mom until I have a chance to put some feelers out. I don’t want him to think I’m some sort of crazy damaged goods.
“I don’t know, I guess I’m just trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.”
“I get it,” he shrugs. “Same here.”
“You’re a marine?” I ask, the tattoo of the eagle perched on a globe with an anchor prominent on his forearm.
“I’m not active duty anymore. But yeah.”
I can tell by his sudden silence that he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, so I try to lighten the mood as awkwardly as I can.
“What’s all this obsession around here about my virginity?” I ask. “Like, is it really that big of a deal? Can’t a girl just want to dance?”
He chuckles and looks at me like I’m crazy.
“You’re alright, Amber,” he shrugs. “A little naive, but that’s ok. Just stay away from guys like Austin and I’m sure you’ll have nothing to worry about.”
“Wonder how he’s making out down there?”
“Fuck!” Austin’s voice bellows from across the yard. “Guys, can you come help me? Please? I think I’m stuck.”
We both start cracking up.
“Seriously!” he yells. “It hurts real bad.”
; “That’s all you,” I smile. “See ya tonight?”
He nods and takes off across the lawn, and I can’t keep my eyes off his perfect ass as he walks away. Everything about this man is sexy, and the way that he talks to me like I’m a human being, not like a stripper, or some ‘virgin’, or a child, it’s nice. Being around him feels good. Good, and a little confusing. Like I want to kiss him, touch him, do things with him that I’ve only imagined before. I want to know everything about him.
“Amber, there you are!” Sandy yells, sprinting across the yard. “Come on! We’re going downtown to get massages and pedicures! Are you coming with?”
I don’t remember the last time I had a massage, and the only pedicure I’ve ever had was one I gave myself.
“Maybe we can even get her a Brazilian while we’re at it,” Jasmine teases.
“I don’t think I want that,” I laugh, covering my lady parts with my hands.
“Oh come on, you don’t think Mr. Big Dick Marine wouldn’t appreciate a fresh wax? I see the way he was looking at you. You two are definitely going to hook up.”
“He’s too old for me,” I say. “Besides, you’re not supposed to mix business and pleasure.”
“Oh honey,” Jasmine giggles. “Our business is pleasure.”
Sure, I don’t need to complicate this situation any further. I’m already in way over my head. I’ve already dramatically averted from my original path of just finding out some answers about my mother and going back to my normal boring city girl life, but maybe a complication wouldn’t be the worst thing that could happen to me, especially if it was in the form of “Mr. Big Dick Marine.”
Chapter 15
Micah:
Fifteen Years Ago:
Brooks and I are back behind the clubhouse, passing a joint back and forth. There’s a loud party going on inside, and I’m so drunk I can barely stand up straight. Good thing I don’t have to stand up straight. Laying here in the grass under the stars is a luxury we have here up on the mountain. We’ve been busting our asses lately, running guns for the Delanor cartel, and I’m exhausted, both mentally and physically.