The Darkest Canyon

by Roberta Kagan

  Just as Hann’s plane came out from the protection of the white, billowy clouds, two British fighter jets appeared on either side of him. The sound of bullets shattered the morning stillness. Hann was trapped. Then he heard a deafening explosion to the right of him. The plane spiraled out of control and then hit the ground bursting into flames. Hann died instantly.

  CHAPTER 44

  Ravensbrück

  Hilde couldn’t overcome the depression she felt from the loss of her baby. Before she left the hospital, the doctor had given her a bottle of sleeping pills which she found herself using far more often then she should have. That was because whenever she was awake she was either sick with guilt over Gretchen or miserable thinking about the child she’d lost. Most days she drifted in and out of a drug-induced sleep. Her dreams were still alarming, but now not only was she having nightmares about the camp, but she would sometimes wake up crying for the child she had carried almost full term and would never know. One night she had a particularly realistic dream in which Gretchen was an inmate at a camp far from Ravensbrück. In the dream, the guards had thrown Gretchen on the floor, and they were kicking her in the stomach. Gretchen was calling for Hilde, but when Hilde answered, Gretchen was unable to hear her. Hilde awakened from that nightmare trembling, sweating, and terrified. Hilde was angry. She thought of everyone she hated who had, in some way, contributed to the life she now led. She cursed her mother and cursed herself. She cursed Hann and Eva. But not Gretchen, for Gretchen she wept. And what about Axel? She couldn’t say she hated him. She didn’t. But since the miscarriage he’d become little more than a servant to her. She wished she didn’t find him so annoying when he was constantly trying to bring her food or comfort. Often he would sit on the edge of her bed, trying to talk with her, but she couldn’t bear it, so she gave him quick one-word answers. Then she told him she was tired and begged him to leave her alone.

  In her youth, Hilde had always been hefty and robust. Then she was strong, fueled by the anger of a child who felt shortchanged in every aspect of life. Her family was poor; her father had abandoned her mother, and her mother tortured Hilde. The other girls were always prettier, happier, more athletic. But now, Hilde no longer had any of the strength or anger she’d had when she was young. Life’s misfortunes had left her a frail shadow of her former self. She knew she was becoming addicted to her sleeping pills. But she needed them to sleep, to try and forget. And if she was blessed with a dreamless sleep, it was the only comfort she could find in life . . . even if it was only for a short while.

  CHAPTER 45

  Axel could see that his wife was deteriorating. He’d spoken to several doctors who promised him that she would come out of it with time. But he didn’t believe them. They were not living with her. They did not see that every day she grew worse. Early one morning, on his day off, he took a train to Berlin to meet with a doctor whom one of his friends recommended highly. This was the first doctor he’d encountered who seemed to understand when Axel told him that Hilde was sliding down deeper into depression each day.

  “I don’t know what to do to help her,” Axel said.

  “There is only one thing that will help her. She must have another child,” the doctor answered.

  “But she won’t let me anywhere near her. I can’t make her pregnant if she won’t let me near her!” Axel said, wringing his hands.

  The doctor was an old man with thick, gray hair and eyebrows. He had soft blue eyes. “Can you ask your superiors if you can get a child from the Lebensborn?”

  “I don’t think so. I’m not high enough in rank, besides it takes time to get approved. There is a lot of paperwork. And Hilde needs a child now.” Axel shook his head.

  “I don’t know if I should suggest this to you or not . . .”

  “Suggest what, Doctor? Any suggestions are appreciated. I love my wife more than anything in the world, and I am afraid I am losing her. She is living on pills. She’s so skinny and sickly looking, and she cries all the time.”

  “You could acquire a Polish child. A child that looks Aryan . . .”

  “But how? How would I get to Poland?”

  “Now, I can’t tell you that because I don’t know. Perhaps you could get transferred to a camp in Poland?”

  “I could try,” Axel said.

  “Then try.” The doctor patted Axel’s shoulder.

  CHAPTER 46

  Axel returned home late that afternoon. He was afraid Hilde would be worried about him. But when he got home, he found her asleep with the shades drawn. She didn’t even realize he was late.

  When he brought Hilde her dinner, she refused to eat as she did most evenings. And that night, when he tried to take her in his arms, all she said was, “No, Axel. Please.”

  He let her go and turned over to face the wall. She was dying; he could see that clearly. She was drowning, and she wouldn’t let him help her.

  Very early the following morning, before the break of dawn, Axel got dressed and went to work early. He was on his way to the offices in the women’s camp. He had to drop off some paperwork when he saw a beautiful, blond boy in the children’s camp. The child was sitting outside playing in the dirt. A pretty woman with golden hair, in a gray-striped prisoner’s uniform, sat beside him. She was singing a song to the child.

  For several minutes, Axel watched the woman and child. He was mesmerized.

  “Anatol, come give Mommie a kiss. I have to go; it’s almost time for roll call,” Lila Rabinowitz said to her son, Moishe.

  Axel walked forward just as the little boy ran into his mother’s arms.

  The woman gasped. “Please, don’t hurt us. I am sorry, I know I should not be in the children’s camp,” the woman said, trembling. “But please, please, have mercy. I beg you . . .”

  “Quiet,” Axel said, putting as much authority into his voice as he could muster. “Who are you?”

  “My name is Felicia Bankowski. This is my son, Anatol.”

  “Hmmm,” Axel said as he studied the mother and her child. He thought of Hilde, and it made him feel sympathy for this strange woman. “I want to talk to you,” he said, knowing full well that he could take the boy if he wanted to, and no one would notice or care. But for some reason, he wanted to tell the mother what he planned to do. He wanted to reassure her. “My wife . . .” Axel stammered. “My wife . . . just had a second miscarriage.”

  The woman said nothing. Her eyes were cast down. But looking closely, Axel could see that Felicia was trembling. Little Anatol was still in her lap, not moving, as if he’d been frozen in time.

  Axel went on. “I want to take your son to live with me and my wife. I want to raise him as my own child.”

  Lila’s face was a mixture of fear, mistrust, and hope. “To live with you?” she said, her voice small, questioning, unsure, frightened. Axel had to strain to hear her.

  “Yes, to live with me and my wife. I want to take him. He will be safe. You want that, don’t you? You want to protect him. He is likely to die here.”

  Lila looked from Axel to Moishe then back to Axel again. “You want to take my son?”

  He nodded.

  “I would never see him again?”

  “I could take him without your permission if I chose to. I am trying to help you,” Axel said.

  She nodded. “Yes, help me,” she repeated in a daze. Then she asked again, “I would never see him again?”

  “Yes, that’s right. No one must ever know where he came from. But if I took him, you would know that he was alive.”

  “Alive . . . yes . . . alive. He would never know me or his father, but he would live.”

  “Yes. He would live.”

  “You would raise him to be one of you? A Nazi?”

  Axel was growing impatient. He was giving this woman an opportunity to save her child, and she was asking him questions. “I am done answering your questions. I could shoot you both here and now. You know this, of course. But I won’t. Instead, I will take the boy, and you will be comfo
rted to know he is safe.”

  Tears ran down Lila’s face. She hugged Moishe hard and then she looked into her little boy’s eyes and said, “Go with the nice man, Anatol, Be a good boy. Do what he tells you. And be good to his wife. Treat her like a mommie. Call her Mommie.”

  “Are you coming too, Mommie?”

  “No, not now.”

  “Why are you crying?”

  “I’m not. I have something in my eye.”

  “Come,” Axel said, taking Moishe’s hand.

  “No!” Moishe screamed.

  “Please, forgive him, Herr Oberstrumführer. He is afraid. He is very young. He will forget about me.”

  “I don’t want to go. I want to stay here with you, Mommie!” Moishe cried.

  “You must do what I tell you,” Lila said firmly.

  “Come,” Axel insisted.

  “No, Mommie, no, please, Mommie, please!” Moishe cried, trying to pull away from Axel and run back to Lila.

  Lila turned away from Moishe. “Go,” she said as harshly as she was able. “I said, go.”

  “I have chocolates at home. You will like my house. Of course, you will be needing a bath. But don’t worry, you shall have one.”

  “Mommie? Mommie?” Moishe cried as Axel carried him away.

  CHAPTER 47

  Lila Rabinowitz lay down in the dirt and wept until she had no more tears left to cry. “Life.” She assured herself. “Life is better than death. And my son, my Moishe, will have a chance to live. I have no guarantee that the Nazi is telling me the truth. Still, why would he lie? He has no reason to lie. He has the power to do as he pleases. He could have killed Moishe and me right then and there if that was his goal. He could be a bad man and want to do bad things to Moishe. Oh, God forbid. Please God, watch over my son. I must believe what he told me. I must make myself believe that my Moishe will be safe and that this man, even though he is a Nazi, has good intentions toward my little boy. If it’s all true, my boy will survive this war. And once it’s over, I will find him, no matter what it takes. I will find him.”

  CHAPTER 48

  When Axel arrived home with Moishe, Hilde was asleep. He gave Moishe some bread and milk, followed by four pieces of chocolate. Then he gave the child a bath and was pleasantly surprised to find that Moishe had not been circumcised. He will easily pass for a Polish child. No one will recognize him.

  Axel crept into the darkened room where Hilde was snoring softly and sat down beside her on the bed. The love he felt for her filled his chest and made him want to cry. She was the only family he had, the only person he felt he could trust. Hilde was like him in so many ways. He wasn’t blind; he could see she was not a beauty, and like him, she was never the most popular child in the Hitler Youth. Before he’d met Hilde, his experiences with women were not his brightest memories. When he was a teenager and not yet working for the SS, girls either ignored him or laughed at him when he asked them out. Then once he began working for the party, there were a few girls who took his gifts of silk stockings and chocolates in exchange for a night of intimacy. But not one of them wanted to be his wife. From the first time he saw Hilde, he knew that she was his female mirror image. In Axel’s mind, Hilde was the perfect partner for him. And he wanted to make her happy. Axel saw the opportunity for a happy home and his own family with Hilde. But since she’d lost the baby, she was so melancholic, and it hurt him when he looked at her. His mind drifted to thoughts of the beautiful, blond, little boy in the other room. Axel hoped the child, Anatol, would bring Hilde’s smile back. He hoped that he would, once again, hear his wife singing along with her records as he walked out the door for work in the morning.

  “Sweetheart . . .” Axel whispered as he touched Hilde’s forearm. “I have a surprise for you.”

  Hilde stirred, half opening her eyes.

  “Come with me. I have something to show you.”

  “I can’t; I’m too tired,” she said.

  “It’s a surprise. I promise you’ll like it,” he tempted her, hoping he was right.

  She shrugged. In the half light he could see that she was annoyed. But she got up and followed him.

  They walked into the living room. As soon as Hilde’s eyes fell upon the child, her face lit up. The boy smiled as if on cue.

  “Who is this little boy?” Hilde asked.

  “We have been given him to raise. He is of pure Aryan blood. His parents are dead.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Anatol. He is yours.”

  “Mine? How can he be mine?”

  “Because he is. He is yours if you want him. And if you don’t, I’ll get rid of him.”

  “I do,” Hilde said. “I do want him.” She walked slowly over to the child and picked him up into her arms. He hugged her.

  “Where’s Mommie?” Moishe asked.

  “She’s your mommie,” Axel said, pointing to Hilde. “And I’m your father.”

  “Mommie?”

  “Yes, I’m your mommie.”

  “I want Mommie.” Moishe started crying and kicking his short, little legs. But Hilde didn’t put him down. Instead, she began rocking him and singing to him in German. He wept for a while, but the song seemed to comfort the boy.

  “It may be a while before he forgets his mother. But he is young enough that I know he will forget,” Axel said.

  “How old do you think he is?” Hilde wondered.

  “I don’t know. He’s very small, maybe four?”

  Anatol was almost five, but he’d been malnourished most of his life and that kept him from growing. He’d also spent over a year of his development in the forests, having very little contact with anyone other than his mother, so he was socially awkward. His use of language was limited. All of these factors led Hilde and Axel to believe he was much younger than he actually was.

  “Are you sure we won’t be forced to return him?” Hilde asked. “Because I don’t want to become attached to him and then . . .”

  “Of course I’m sure. He’s yours. We just have to give him a little time, and I am sure he will acclimate himself to our home.” Axel smiled proudly.

  CHAPTER 49

  Axel was right, the child had a profound and wonderful effect on Hilde’s attitude. She flung herself into motherhood, spending countless hours sitting on the floor and playing with Anatol. Until Anatol came into Hilde’s life, she’d never had much interest in cooking but now she remembered all she’d learned about meal preparation and nutrition when she was in the Bund and she put it to use. She was so happy to have Anatol that sometimes she was even kind and affectionate toward Axel.

  “Ilsa is coming to dinner,” Axel said when he returned from work the following day. “I told her to come on Thursday night at seven. I hope that’s all right. I bumped into her and she misses you.”

  “Yes, it’s fine,” Hilde said. She was no longer threatened by Ilsa’s attentions toward Axel. She was far too happy with her child to allow this to affect her.

  Ilsa arrived on time, carrying a bouquet of fresh, golden sunflowers. She hugged Hilde as soon as she saw her and seemed genuinely happy to find Hilde doing well.

  “How have you been? I know you lost the baby. I am truly sorry,” Ilsa said and the look on her face was so sincere that, for a moment, Hilde found it difficult to believe Ilsa was the same woman who had played those horrible games with the prisoners at the camp.

  “Yes, I lost the baby.”

  “So who is this charming and handsome young man?” Ilsa said, looking at Anatol, who was playing with a ball on the floor.

  Axel winced hoping that Ilsa wouldn’t recognize the child from the children’s camp. But if she did, there was no recognition in her eyes.

  “We’ve adopted him,” Hilde said.

  “Charming, indeed.” Ilsa smiled.

  They enjoyed a lovely meal of sauerbrauten that Hilde had spent the entire afternoon preparing. After dinner, Anatol played with Ilsa. “What’s your name?” Anatol asked Ilsa.

  “That’s
your Auntie Ilsa,” Hilde said.

  “Auntie Ilsa.” Anatol smiled, and Hilde couldn’t help but feel her heart swell with pride. He was such a bright little boy.

  “Let me help you in the kitchen,” Ilsa said, getting up.

  “No, please, you stay here and play with Anatol. I’ll only be a few minutes and then we can all have some coffee and cookies.”

  But Ilsa followed Hilde into the kitchen. “How are you, really?” she asked.

  “I’m much better than I was.”

  “That’s what I heard. I heard you weren’t doing well.”

  “No, I wasn’t.”

  “Hilde, there is something I must discuss with you.”

  “Of course. What is it?”

  “We have always been very good friends, have we not?”

  “Yes, we have. Go on, please. Because I need to talk to you too.”

  “Your little boy. He is a lovely child. But he is a Jew.”

  “He is not! He’s Polish.” Hilde was angry and shocked.

  “You’re wrong. He is a Jew, I tell you. Your husband must have taken him from the children’s camp. I recognize him from there because he was the only beautiful, blond-haired boy there. But he’s a Jew. I know because I have spoken with a woman who was on the transport with him and his mother. But don’t fret. No one knows. Only you, I, Axel, and the boy’s mother.”

  “Then who is the boy’s mother?” Hilde said, challenging Ilsa. “I don’t believe any of this.”

  “It’s all true, but I don’t recall her name. However, don’t worry, I can find it out. And then I will take care of her, so that she will never tell anyone your secret.”

  “No, you must be wrong. Look.” Hilde pulled down Anatol’s pants. “He’s not circumcised. If he was a Jew he’d be circumcised.”

  “I am telling you. He is Jew. I know who his mother is, I’ve seen her with him. And, I will take care of everything for you, my sweet butterball.”