Madison’s shoulders curved in as her head slowly shook. As all that fear and pain she’d been hiding bled from her until she was viciously shaking. “Beau, please. You don’t understand—”
A huff punched from my lungs.
“You don’t understand . . .” Her hands moved to her stomach before they were suddenly in her hair. Gripping at her head as she looked at me, pleading with me with that look alone. “You don’t understand what you’ll be doing to all of us! Risking your relationship by not telling Savannah? Beau, all of our relationships are going to be ruined when you do.”
My stare fell to the floor as her words caused a moment of doubt. Of hesitation. Before I remembered that my relationships were already being ruined, and they would only continue going down that path until we fixed this. Until we could fight for forgiveness.
And I would fight.
For Savannah, I would fight to the ends of the earth to win her heart. To earn her trust again. I would do whatever it took.
Determination built inside me, drowning out the doubt. With a look at Madison that conveyed exactly what I planned to do, I started for the door.
“I think I’m pregnant.”
Chains reached up and brought me to a jarring stop. The world tilted. The room spun. My stomach clenched.
No, no, no. Oh God, no.
“Hunter’s,” she added quickly. “If I even am.”
“If,” I seethed as I looked back at her. “You’re just gonna throw that shit out there when you don’t even know?”
“I’m two weeks late . . . more than.”
I sucked in shallow breaths as I tried to remember when spring break had been and what month we were in now. How long it had been since that wreck of a night.
I’d been sure of the timeline just half an hour before. But at that moment, I couldn’t be sure of anything.
“Shit,” I hissed as I shook my head, trying to clear it.
She lifted her hands in a pleading motion. “See what you’ll be doing. The chances of Hunter and Savannah understanding or forgiving us for what happened are—” She choked on her words, her face creasing with emotion. “Low. So low. But if I’m pregnant? They’re not going to believe what really happened. They’re not going to believe it was a one-time thing—a one-time mistake. Beau, you will be destroying all of us.”
“We already destroyed us,” I murmured. “We’ve already done that, Madison. Don’t you get that?” When her body swayed like her legs might give out on her, I admitted, “I’m afraid when Savannah says she’s going to hang out with you. I fucking hold my breath when she says she talked to you. I can barely look at my brother, and when he mentions you? I feel like I’m gonna snap. When we’re all together? I’m terrified they’re gonna notice something’s wrong between us and figure it out. And if you’re pregnant? Jesus, Madison.” I roughed my hands over my face and sucked in a fortifying breath. “I can’t keep going on like this. This is killing me and hurting my relationship with Savannah. I have to tell her.”
“Then, I’ll go!” she cried out. “I’ll go, I’ll leave. Just don’t do this.”
I stilled, confusion pulsing through my veins and giving way to suspicion as I tried to decode her offer. “What?”
One of her hands loosely gestured to herself before falling, her body shaking so fiercely she could barely speak. “Everything you just said . . . it kept coming back to me. Savannah with me. Talking to me. Hunter talking about me, or us near each other.” Her head moved in a jerky nod as a sob tore from her throat. “I’ll leave.”
“What do you mean, you’ll leave?”
“Leave,” she nearly yelled. “Leave Amber. Leave so this stops, and you won’t do what you’re about to!”
Surprise raced through me before doubt crept in because Madison had been with my brother even longer than I’d been with Savannah. There was no way she’d just leave.
“And how does that not destroy you and my brother?”
She sagged against the wall and silently cried. Hands gripping her stomach and chest as her grief filled the room and mixed with my own.
I studied her tears and her pain. All that emotion I thought she hadn’t been drowning in all this time, but I’d been wrong. She’d just been hiding her agony in a way I couldn’t. Trying to spare my brother and Savannah the same way she was now.
“Hunter will still have you,” she said weakly. “Savannah will have you. You’ll have them. Otherwise? Beau, I can feel it . . . this is destructive. We’ll all end up without each other.”
“That wasn’t an answer.”
“Because you already know that it will. But I would do it for him. I would do it for her.”
But could I?
Could I lie to them about this on top of everything else? Could I watch them break and pretend I wasn’t the reason behind it? Pretend I didn’t know that Madison gave up everything to protect them from something else?
“You’re going to crush them,” I said softly, part of my mind rebelling against the words that were a step into this fucked-up agreement.
A sob escaped her as she nodded, but a crease formed between her brows when she challenged, “Which of the two do you think they can recover from?”
Neither.
The answer rushed onto my tongue but was silenced by Madison’s earlier words.
“If I’m pregnant? They’re not going to believe what really happened.”
That?
I believed that.
Coward . . . I’d called Madison that earlier. But as I dipped my head and started walking away, I knew the title belonged to me.
“Beau, if I—”
“I won’t,” I whispered. “You leave?” I tried to swallow past the knot of shame choking me and looked to the floor when I couldn’t meet her eyes anymore. “I won’t say a thing.”
I slowly walked out of the room, feeling like each step took all my strength. Feeling like that weight on me had tripled. Telling myself to go back and say I couldn’t agree, only for that scenario where Madison was pregnant, and we all lost everything anyway, to play out again.
I rubbed at the excruciating ache in my chest as a curse slipped free, then jerked back when a hand fell to my shoulder.
My heart raced a wild, punishing rhythm when I glanced up to see my dad looking at me curiously, hands raised in mock surrender.
Because I’d grabbed him . . . fucking shit, I’d grabbed my dad.
“Okay there, kid?” he asked when I released the collar of his shirt.
“Yeah, uh . . . yeah.” I tried to clear my throat, but that shame and guilt were so damn thick.
“Getting a drink?”
I blinked slowly, trying to understand his question when my mind was so weighed down with enough secrets and lies to bury me. When he pointed behind me, I turned, taking in the platters of food and buckets of ice and drinks.
Shit, Savannah.
“Yeah,” I said quickly and reached for a plate. “Gonna go hang out with Savannah somewhere quieter.”
A soft huff left him as he grabbed a few bottles of water, setting two in front of me. “That quieter best be somewhere that ain’t your room.”
A grunt rumbled in my chest, earning a laugh from him.
“I’ll be sure to tell myself y’all are off being good kids, somewhere far, far away from a bed.”
“Far away,” I echoed and forced a smirk when he clapped my shoulder.
Once I had the plate full, I grabbed the bottles and slipped up the stairs. Heart growing heavier the higher I climbed.
I wasn’t ready for this.
I’d been prepared to come upstairs and tell Savannah everything, not come back with more secrets. And I couldn’t hide when something was wrong—clearly.
Dragging in a ragged breath, I tried to force all that shame and guilt back and opened my door.
“Hey,” Savannah said from where she was sitting on my bed, legs crossed and bare beneath my shirt. She set down her phone and looked at me in a way she had so
often over the past two months, like she was worried about me. “That took a while.”
“Ran into my dad,” I said from where I’d paused just inside my door, wavering as everything shifted and came at me from a new angle.
Madison was giving up everything to protect them and us. But in that, she was condemning me to a life of lying to the woman I loved.
Shit, what have I done?
“You’re here early.”
I slanted a cold glare in Peter Rowe’s direction as he entered the kitchen the next morning, watching as he moved through it like he owned the damn place.
Didn’t matter that we always told our guests to make themselves at home. Didn’t matter that Peter and Savannah had been as close as siblings at one point. That was a long damn time ago. And at the moment, it was pissing me off that he was there. That Savannah was confiding in him instead of me.
“You see too much,” I said, words nothing less than a threat as I went back to watching the coffee brew.
He breathed a laugh as he entered my line of sight again, leaning up against the opposite counter and clutching a bottle of water. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m pushing for y’all to work through this.”
I lifted my chin but kept my eyes on the pot of coffee. After a moment, I muttered, “I wanted to be here before my kids woke up.”
For once.
“Makes sense,” he said as he twisted the cap off his water and started pushing away from the counter. “I’ll stay out of y’alls way today.”
I reached for a mug and then grabbed the pot. “Don’t you have a wedding to go to?”
A huff burst from him. “Yeah, I’m not going.”
I looked over at him before focusing on what I was doing. “That’s your brother.”
“Don’t you remember my brother?”
Of course I did. I’d hated every day I’d been forced to spend near him. He’d tried ruining my life before I’d gone and done that on my own.
Still . . .
I settled against the island again and said, “You should go.”
He let out an exaggerated breath, head shaking like he was trying to figure out why we were talking about this. “Why?”
“Hunter wasn’t at mine and Savannah’s wedding,” I explained. “Not that I wanted him there for certain reasons. But it’s killed me all this time that he wasn’t.”
He studied me for a moment before turning to leave, his head dipping in acknowledgment as he did.
“She’ll come around,” Peter said suddenly. When my only response was the delay in bringing my mug to my mouth, he continued. “Everything that happened? All those emotions are basically just sitting on her, weighing her down and growing because she hasn’t dealt with it yet. Now she’s lashing out at you with all that shit.”
I finally glanced his way, brows slowly drawing together at the confidence in his tone.
Looking like he was holding back whatever he really wanted to say, he waved at me with the bottle and repeated, “She’ll come around.”
I didn’t let his words give me hope. I couldn’t.
Hope was something I couldn’t afford in the hell I was trapped in.
Besides, I didn’t know how much he knew, but it couldn’t have been everything. If it had, he wouldn’t have said that.
Glancing at the clock, I pushed from the island and started the way he’d gone. Taking the stairs up to the second floor and turning to go to our side of the house—where the kids’ and our rooms were. Bypassing where I’d meant to go and continuing to the door at the end of the hall like I was being pulled. Drawn.
The half of my destroyed soul trying to get to its mate.
I stopped just outside our door. Head down and eyes closed as all the pain and regret and guilt I’d been living in came up to consume me. Hand lifted instinctively, reaching for the handle.
For her.
My fingers curled into a fist as I forced my hand back to my side. A ragged exhale tumbling free as I stepped back.
“I’m sorry,” I breathed as I turned and headed to Quinn’s room. Quietly opening the door and moving across the space to where she was curled up in a little ball.
Setting my mug on her nightstand, I sat on the edge of her bed and brushed a knuckle across her cheek, the way I’d done since she was a baby. “Quinn.”
She curled tighter, her face squishing up before relaxing and pulling a soft laugh from me.
After another brush across her cheek, she stretched and lazily opened her eyes. “Hi, Daddy.” Her eyes went wide and she nearly shouted, “Daddy, you’re here!” as she scrambled out of the covers to launch herself at me.
A rumbling laugh built in my chest as I caught her, but her words broke something inside me. The reason for her excitement making all that hurt flare because it was affecting our kids.
“Of course I’m here,” I said through the shards of glass in my throat.
“I miss you in the mornings, but Mommy says you’re real busy. But I think you shouldn’t be busy anymore because Mommy isn’t happy when you’re real busy,” she rambled as she climbed onto my back and wrapped her arms around my neck.
My head moved in a bouncing sort of nod, and I forced a smile that felt like it showed just how slow and excruciating this death was. “I don’t like when I’m busy either.”
Putting one of my hands around both of hers, I stood and relished the loud giggle that burst from her. “Let’s wake your brothers,” I said as I grabbed my coffee and started for the door.
“I wanna wake Wyatt,” she said excitedly.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, because he woke me up a long time ago.”
My chest shook with a muted laugh. “Got it. Hold tight,” I warned as I released her hands to open Wyatt’s door and stepped inside.
The light coming in from behind the blinds showed Wyatt sitting up in bed, looking groggily around.
I sucked in air through my teeth. “Today isn’t your day, kid.”
“Nuts,” she hissed. “Wyatt, go back to bed.”
His head whipped around to face us as if he’d just realized we were there, then started bobbing in understanding as he sluggishly pulled back his covers and stumbled out of bed. Walk all sorts of unsteady as he met us halfway into the room and smacked into my leg.
“Morning, little man.”
“Morning,” he said, the word muffled.
“Rough night?” I teased when he leaned back to look at me, face scrunched up.
“I miss my friend, Avalee.”
Quinn gasped in my ear. “Me too, me too! I miss her too. Why doesn’t she come over anymore?”
Because I hate her mom.
She destroyed everything.
I cleared my throat and struggled for an answer when every one coming to mind needed to be kept from my kids.
“All right, let’s get ready for the day, yeah?” I said, dismissing the Avalee thing completely. Grabbing one of Quinn’s hands, I lowered her to the floor, then nodded toward the door. “Y’all use the bathroom and get changed while I get your brother.”
The last words came out softer and softer as the door pushed open more to reveal my wife and our youngest son, eyes wide like she couldn’t believe she was seeing me there.
“Mommy, look,” Quinn said as she bounced past me. “Daddy’s here!”
Savannah blinked quickly and forced her attention to Quinn, a shaky smile crossing her face. “I know, I see that.” Her eyes darted to me before shifting back to the kids. “Do what he said. I’m gonna get started on breakfast for everyone.”
Wyatt followed after her, spinning and kicking and pretending he was holding a lightsaber, but Quinn just turned to face me, looking so confused and so damn sad.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as she slowly made her way over to me.
“I thought Mommy would be happy now that you’re not busy anymore, but she isn’t.”
Fuck.
A dull knife tearing through my chest.
That’
s what her words and her sadness felt like.
I crouched down to get on her level and tried to keep my voice even. “There are a lot of guests in the house right now, and Momma’s taking care of them and taking care of y’all. It’s okay if she doesn’t seem happy, she just has a lot going on.”
“But she’s never happy anymore,” Quinn said, then leaned closer to whisper, “She’s been making desserts and stuff without playing music. And she doesn’t dance. And she doesn’t ask if we want to bake with her anymore or if we want to lick the spoons from the desserts she makes.”
My grip on the mug tightened to the point I thought it might shatter in my hand.
My body trembled as my daughter laid out a perfect picture of how hurt Savannah was.
I forced myself to look into Quinn’s eyes to reassure her. “She isn’t trying to exclude y’all, you know Momma would never do that. And everything else?” I clenched my teeth tightly when my jaw shook. With a slow breath out, I said, “Everything’s gonna be fine.”
“You promise?”
My head moved in a slow nod as I looked right into my daughter’s eyes and lied. “Promise.”
She beamed at me as she turned and darted out of the room, and I fell to a sitting position, head hanging low and my body shaking uncontrollably as all that pain fueled something else inside me.
I forced myself to sit in it.
To feel the way it moved over me and consumed me. Everything tinted a familiar red as that sickening need coursed through my veins. Begging me to give in. To react. To lash out at something. Anything.
Accepting every second of that darkness until it was gone.
Pushing to my feet, I started out of Wyatt’s room and had to sidestep him when he came running through like a little speed demon.
“I’m so fast!” he yelled as he went by, stopping on a dime and whirling around. “Can I see my Avalee friend now? I brushed-ed my teeth. See!” He tilted his head back and bared all his teeth.
“I do see.” I ruffled his hair, carefully avoiding the question as I said, “Get changed.”
Fire Page 22