Alex took a deep breath to compose himself. Slowly turning from the window, he seemed lost in time—trapped in memories. Looking down to avoid my inquiring gaze, he silently left the room.
Overwhelmed and disoriented, drowning in my own insecurity, I left Oak’s Place earlier than usual.
When I returned to the monastery, I made it to my room without being seen and flopped down on my bed, trying not to think. I was good at pretending; I’d pretend that all was well. I’d be numb to the devastating blows of love.
“Child, can I come in?” asked Granny. I must have fallen asleep, for my room was now dark. She didn’t wait for my reply. “Florence, what’s wrong?” She flipped the light switch on.
“Nothing is wrong, Granny,” I answered, rubbing my half-shut eyes.
“You can’t fool me. I saw you running across the courtyard into the kitchen—a lot earlier than your usual arrival time.” Granny sat on the edge of the bed. “Oh my, you’ve been crying.”
“Granny, I’m so confused.” I sat up on the bed and buried my head in my hands.
“What happened?”
“Nothing happened. That’s the problem.”
“Oh child, you are in over your head, aren’t you?” She sounded sorry for me.
“I feel so dumb and so lost. How did this happen to me?”
“You are not dumb. At some point in life, it happens to all of us.” She held me in her arms.
I broke down. I had nothing to lose or hide any longer. A blur of emotions came out in the form of words. Granny listened patiently, her countenance full of compassion. “But it is wrong. He is much older than me, very sick, with a past totally unknown to me. He treats me like a child, and the worst of it is the feeling that he will never love me as I love him. His heart dwells in his past. It’s all wrong, and I don’t care—all I want is to be with him.” I sobbed helplessly. “Am I losing my mind? What am I doing?”
“Remember what I told you about my love story?” I nodded, remembering that she hadn’t said much. “Do you want me to tell you about it?”
I nodded again. “Yes, please tell me.”
She let go of me and sat up a little taller. “If I could turn back time, I would do many things differently. I was young like you, studying to become a nun in Cambridge when I met the most handsome man, and I fell madly in love with him. I was embarrassed and felt extremely guilty about it. I felt that I was betraying my beliefs, my morals, and, worst of all, the church—”
“Wait,” I interrupted, “but if you were a novice, that means you hadn’t taken the vows yet, so you could have changed your mind, right?”
“That’s right, I could have. But he couldn’t.”
“He was a priest?” I was stunned. Granny made a small affirmative movement with her head. “Oh Granny, I’m so sorry.”
“For years, I lived in shame of my feelings. That’s one of the reasons I took the first chance I had to move away from England, back to the States. I couldn’t bear to see him, to be close to him. He went on to have a successful career in the church, becoming a cardinal at a fairly young age.”
“I can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been.” For the first time that day, I crawled out of my shell and stopped feeling sorry for myself.
“That was the easy part.” Her eyes were misty, but she contained them. “Long after, I returned to visit England and found him on his deathbed.” I reached for her hands. “What he told me still hurts, Florence.” She looked down. I had a lump in my throat. “He said he loved me.”
“Oh, Granny…”
“He said he had always loved me and couldn’t die without telling me. You can’t imagine my emotions when I heard his words. He said he’d have left everything for me, but because I was studying to become a nun, he didn’t dare to interfere with my spiritual vocation. He convinced himself that the best choice was to hide his feelings and stay on his religious path. That day, child, was the saddest day of my life.” Granny’s eyes finally failed to hold back her tears.
“Did you tell him how you felt?”
“Yes, I did. He died with a smile on his face, holding fast to my hand.” Granny placed her glasses in her pocket, taking out a handkerchief to wipe her eyes. “We both lived our lives not knowing the truth, and we both suffered greatly because of it. Don’t get me wrong, I do love serving in the church, but there is something greater than that, something greater than even our own lives. Something that I didn’t understand until it was too late—love. Florence, love is the most important thing.”
“I wish you would’ve had the opportunity to share that love with him.”
“Me too, child, me too.” She twisted the handkerchief in her hands. “I’m telling you this not because I want you to feel sorry for me, but because I want you to avoid the mistakes I made. It will save you lots of suffering.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes when things are difficult and we get discouraged, it’s hard to make the right decisions, so to be safe, we follow the rules of society—it’s an easy way out. Believe me, Florence, doing what others tell you to do and accept as correct is sometimes the worst thing one can do.”
“I’m not sure I understand you.”
“It’s very simple. When it’s a matter of love, we have to forget what the world says and follow our hearts. Of course, you have to be absolutely sure that he is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, the person for whom you are willing to sacrifice everything—even, and most definitely, your pride, that’s the secret. Once you find that kind of love, nothing else matters. You just follow your heart. Florence, do you really, truly love Mr. Sterling?”
Under any other circumstances, I would’ve hesitated to honestly answer her, but I now knew that Granny wouldn’t judge my feelings for Alex. I was ready to acknowledge to others, but most importantly to myself, that yes, I loved him.
“With all my heart.” I felt the truthfulness of my words liberating me from the bondage of concealment.
“Well then, you better go speak to him. Mr. Sterling is waiting for you downstairs in the kitchen.” She smiled.
“Mr. Sterling is what?”
“You heard correctly, Mr. Sterling is downstairs waiting to see you.”
11
~ Moonlight ~
“Fannie, what took you so long?” Sister Callahan cried out when I stepped into the kitchen. “This poor fellow started to think you weren’t here. He thought we were fibbing just to keep him around a little longer.” Sister Callahan had Alex cornered alongside the back door. Surprisingly, he had an amused look on his face.
The room fell silent. Sisters Sullivan, Miller, Cox, and Granny, and one other sister sat close together at the table, all eyes fixed on Alex. I wondered if he had refused the invitation to sit down, opting to stay close to the exit, in case he decided to make a quick getaway.
“Good evening, Mr. Sterling,” I greeted in a detached tone, but when our eyes met, I felt the power of attraction, like an enormous magnet, luring me towards him.
“Miss Contini,” he answered in a formal manner, slightly bowing his head.
“Have you come to finish your portrait?” Sister Callahan blurted out.
Immediately realizing which drawing she was referring to, I felt as if I had suddenly been punched in the stomach.
“I’m here to speak to Miss Contini,” Alex answered shortly.
“Nonsense! It is such a beautiful drawing. It has to be finished.”
“Sister Callahan, perhaps we can talk about this another time,” I suggested, giving Granny a sharp look. She smiled in return but didn’t interfere.
“Don’t be shy. If you want to finish it now, it’s fine with us.” Sister Callahan was a dog with a bone, and I feared she was not going to let it go.
“What drawing are you referring to?” asked Alex, annoyed by her persistence.
“Well, yours, of course! Fannie has an incomplete portrait of you in her room. But, of course, you know that—don’t you?
” Sister Callahan was determined to find out more about the drawing she had seen of the young Alex.
How had she recognized him? Please earth, swallow me! I silently begged.
“Oh—that drawing,” Alex feigned understanding. “No, I’m not here to finish it. I just need to talk to her about work.” He nodded towards me, managing the situation skillfully.
“Work, eh?” Sister Callahan didn’t buy it.
“Miss Contini, could we speak out in the garden?” Alex asked.
“Yes, of course.”
Alex wished the sisters good night as we walked out into the courtyard.
“Make sure to come again soon!” Sister Callahan called out.
“Most definitely,” Alex answered.
The night was calm and bright. The warm breeze touching my skin was most welcomed. Above us, a full moon shone in its full splendor, illuminating our path.
We strolled on to the end of the path, to the same garden where Granny had found me as an infant. The unresolved emotions from our earlier encounter at Oak’s Place accompanied us. The evening was hushed, but Alex’s earlier words resounded loudly in my head. “When you love the way we loved,” he had said. His heart was suspended in the past, yet mine was willing to stretch itself as far as needed to find his. Simultaneously, I yearned and dreaded to know if Alex would allow my hopes to grow or to whither.
I sat on the stone base that encircled a water fountain. Alex stood, hands in his pockets, avoiding my eyes.
The tension between us shimmered like a chord struck on a harp, reverberating until Alex broke the spell by speaking.
“Fannie? I didn’t know you had another name.”
“I don’t. Sister Callahan made it up for me.” She would get a payback for that one.
“I deduced that much. She’s very entertaining.” Alex smiled, but his face was tense. “I’d like to see my picture, though. There is one, right?”
A payback wasn’t enough—I’d ship Sister Callahan back to England in a very small, uncomfortable box. “Perhaps,” I answered grudgingly. “Why have you come? You shouldn’t have.” I didn’t like the paleness of his skin; he looked worse than he had earlier today.
“I wanted to see you.”
“You could’ve waited until Monday.” I intertwined my fingers nervously.
“No, I couldn’t. I feared you wouldn’t come back.” Alex sat by me.
“I didn’t think you knew where the monastery was.”
“It’s a little hard to miss.” He raised his head to look at the enormous building across the gardens.
“Well then, now that you’ve seen me, you should leave.”
His eyes filled with anxiety, but he managed to stay focused.
“Florence, since the first day I saw you at Oak’s Place, my life has completely changed. Everything that I believed and accepted as true has been uprooted by your presence.” Alex’s countenance revealed another layer of himself, a depth of feeling I hadn’t seen before. “There are many things I don’t understand, things that hurt so deep that I almost convinced myself I was insane.” Alex arose and extended his hand to bring me to my feet. Holding both of my hands in his, his gaze found mine. “I wanted to stay away from you, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I did. Today when you said that you’d leave and never come back if I asked you to, I realized that I could never ask that of you. Even though it would be better for you, I’m much too selfish. I’d die if I did.”
Under the moonlight, once again, I saw a shadow of the young man he had once been. A sense of déjà vu penetrated my mind, pushing away reason—somehow, somewhere, sometime, I had known him…I had and still belonged to this man…
“I couldn’t bear it if you asked me to stay away.”
“Florence, I’m not ready to tell you the things that haunt me—maybe with time, it will be easier to confront them.”
“I can wait.”
“If you can take me as I am and forgive me for the pain I have caused you…” he said, reaching into his pocket. I followed his movement, my heart beating out of its bounds. He raised his hand between us and released his fingers. The most astonishing ring sat on his palm. Under the moon’s silver light, the dark center stone of the ring surrounded by tiny diamonds sparkled like a star. “Florence, will you marry me?”
Were his words what paralyzed me, or was it the overwhelming emotions flowing through my body? I couldn’t tell, but time stood still while my thoughts pirouetted in a joyful rhythm with my heart. For an eternity, I stood there in wordless bliss, until my answer could no longer be contained.
“Yes, oh yes, I will.”
Alex placed the ring on my finger. Relief broke across his face, all tension drained from it. He wrapped his arms around me, and for a moment, his lips brushed gently across mine before letting their passion surface.
Alex returned early on Saturday morning, and we watched the sunrise over Geneva from the East Tower. His visit along with the ring on my finger solidified his last night’s proposal.
“You didn’t exaggerate when you described the view from here as beautiful,” observed Alex.
“Isn’t it amazing?” We watched the golden sphere as it slowly climbed higher and higher into the sky. Casting sunbeams through the horizon the sun chased away all shadows and awoke the new day.
“It truly is amazing. I understand now why you like it so much.”
“It’s going to be a nice day.”
“I hope it’s okay that I came. I couldn’t wait until Monday to see you, and I wouldn’t have you drive out to Oak’s Place on a Saturday.”
“I’m glad you came.” I smiled.
“How did Sister Dolores take the news?”
“Really well. She is happy for me. Although Sister Callahan said she’ll keep a close watch on you.”
“I’m sure she will.” Alex chuckled. “Florence…” He looked at me mischievously.
“Yes?”
“Can I see my portrait?”
“Your portrait?”
“Yes. The one Sister Callahan said you drew of me.”
“Oh, Alex, it’s not very good.”
“Can I be the one to determine that?”
“You have to promise you won’t laugh at it.” He nodded in agreement. “All right then, come with me.” We descended the spiral staircase into my room. I opened the top drawer of my desk and pulled out a stack of drawings. I started to flip through them when his long arms reached over mine, taking all the papers.
“These are very good.” He looked through the first few drawings, his eyes bright in delight, and then he slowly studied the next few ones. “You said you’ve never been to England.” His voice was reproachful.
“I haven’t.”
“But these drawings are of the New Forest,” he stated in disbelief.
“I just drew them from my mind, nothing that I have actually seen before.” I opened another drawer and found a few more drawings, among them the one of the young Alex.
“Perhaps you have seen it in a book?”
“Perhaps,” I answered, doubtfully.
He took a few steps back and sat on my bed. Staring at those drawings, he appeared submerged in memories. Memories I knew nothing of, memories that wandered down the years that were gone.
“Here’s the one you wanted to see.” I handed him his portrait, calling his attention back from the past.
“This is not me. It’s a shadow of what I used to be.” He took it from me. I smiled at the word shadow. “I looked good, didn’t I? But how do you know how I looked back then?”
“It’s not difficult. You are the same person, just a little older.” I hoped my voice wouldn’t betray me. He didn’t know of the picture I had in my office.
Alex looked at the drawings one last time. “It’s just the past.” He sighed, putting them on the bed. “Let’s go downstairs.” Sadness crossed his face momentarily. I prayed the day would come when he might triumph over his fears once and for all. Perhaps now I would be abl
e to help him put the past behind him.
“Would you like to visit the chapel?” I hoped the peace that existed there might be a comfort to him.
“I think that’s exactly what I need.”
Alex grabbed my hand and we headed down the stairs.
“It’s impressive…” said Alex, more to himself than me.
“What is?”
We had just descended the stairs; Alex turned and pointed to its stone steps. “How shiny those steps are.”
“Oh, yes. I suppose they are. Granny is on every detail.” I smiled, remembering how she had made me scrub the stairs from top to bottom during Christmas break. Information, that for some prideful reason I wasn’t willing to share with Alex. “Through here,” I said, turning into a wide hall.
“No wonder Oak’s Place didn’t seem to have challenged your rational thinking…”
“What do you mean?” We stopped under the arched top doorway in between two connecting halls.
“The Gothic architecture is striking—striking might not be the correct word—imposing describes it better. I guess it’s a combination of both.” Alex signaled towards the large, grouped windows. “The details on the glass must have taken much skill and imagination. It definitely gives one the impression that they rule this place.”
For a second, I contemplated the stained-glass windows, filled with the images of saints, prophets, and different types of creatures, which lined much of the sidewall. “I guess you are right.” I felt a small twinge of shame that I had never actually stopped to think about the history and beauty that had surrounded me all my life.
“Do you ever feel intimidated being here?”
“No, I guess I’m used to it. It’s my home,” I answered truthfully.
“Hmm, your home…”
“The chapel is right through those doors,” I pointed to the end of the corridor.
Alex looked at the double wooden doors with its pointed shaped top and sighed.
I laughed. “Are you the one intimidated by the monastery, Mr. Sterling?”
Awaken, Shadows of a Forgotten Past Page 15