by James, Lylah
He did. He slowly sucked in a breath.
I counted from four to six now. “Exhale.”
Maddox let out a harsh breath.
Squeeze. Inhale. Squeeze. Exhale.
One. Two. Three. Inhale. Four. Five. Six. Exhale.
When his breathing slowly became less ragged, I whispered, “I’m proud of you. That’s good. Do it again, Maddox. Breathe with me. Stay with me.”
His eyes opened, and I realized whatever I said had gotten through to him, so I repeated it again. “I’m proud of you. Stay with me.”
I inhaled, showing him how to do it, and Maddox breathed in a shaky breath. Somewhere in his tortured blue eyes, I saw him trying to hold onto his own sanity. I stared into his dark and bottomless eyes, seeing something I had never seen before. Fear and misery consumed every part of him.
I saw myself in him, and we bled together, our pain seeping through us, similar to how tears would leak from our eyes. Maddox looked at me as if he was staring at something he was about to lose.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I soothed gently, rubbing my fingers over the back of his knuckles.
He was still shaking, but he wasn’t struggling to breathe anymore.
I remembered my mother singing to me when I was a child, a sweet lullaby as she’d put me to sleep. When I’d suffer from my own panic attacks, my therapist told me to play the lullaby on YouTube. It had helped calm me down. I knew everyone rides out their panic attacks differently, but maybe… maybe I could…
Right now, Maddox looked like a child who needed someone to hold him.
So, I did.
I knelt between his thighs, so I was close to him, and held his hands in my own. I continued to rub my fingertips over his bruised knuckles, letting him feel my touch.
My lips parted, my heart ached and I sung him my favorite lullaby.
“Lullaby and good night, In the sky stars are bright, May the moons silvery beams, Bring you sweet dreams, Close your eyes now and rest, May these hours be blessed, Til the sky's bright with dawn, When you wake with a yawn.”
I saw brief recognition in his gaze. His eyes turned glassy, and he had a faraway look, like he wasn’t seeing me, because Maddox was somewhere else.
“Lullaby and good night, You are mother’s delight, I’ll protect you from harm, And you’ll wake in my arms, Sleepyhead, close your eyes, For I’m right beside you, Guardian angels are near, So sleep without fear,” I sung gently.
His lips quivered, and panic welled up inside me. I fucked up; I shouldn’t have sung to him. He was just starting to calm down and now…
Maddox curled his arm around my waist, and he pulled me against him, his head dropping to my shoulders. The world stilled except for our pounding hearts, beating together like a broken violin, shrieking with violent, pained sounds. A silent sob racked through his body, and I felt wetness on my neck where Maddox had his face hidden.
He was crying.
In silence.
He suffered, in silence.
His tears carried the weight of his pain.
My emotions became jagged as my chest ripped open, a knife digging itself into my little, fragile heart. It was so hard to swallow past the heavy lump in my throat. Emotional pain bore invisible scars; yet, these scars could be traced by the gentlest touch, I knew that.
Breaking apart was hard. It stung with every breath taken.
Recovering from it was the hardest.
Sometimes, the pieces can’t be put back together because they’re mismatched, missing or completely shattered, making it an impossible feat.
Tears slid down my cheeks, and I choked back a cry. My own voice cracked as I continued to sing the rest of the lullaby.
He pulled me tighter into his body, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, holding him to me. I remembered how it was, coming out of my panic attacks, the adrenaline rushing away as I came back to the present. Everything would hurt, and I’d always feel so lost.
This was Maddox right now.
So, I held him.
Because he needed to be held, even if he didn’t say the words.
He needed me.
Maddox trembled in my arms, his whole body shaking with his silent cries and tremors. As the lullaby came to an end, I pressed my lips against his cheek. “You’re going to be okay, Maddox. I got you.”
Thump – thump – thump.
There was a hollow ache in the pit of my stomach.
I embraced him.
He didn’t let go.
His breathing smoothed out, and his pounding heart slowed.
“I got you,” I soothed, running my fingers through his soft hair.
His arms clenched around me, and he nuzzled his nose into my neck. Hold me tighter, he said without any words.
I got you.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Lila
Maddox and I were still wrapped in each other’s arms when the door of the storage closet opened, and the janitor peered inside with a look of horror on his face.
“What are you two doing in here?” He held the door open, and the light from the hallway bathed the inside of the dark room.
Maddox’s grip on me tightened at the new voice, and he kept his face buried in my neck. His silent tears soaked through my blouse as I smoothed a hand down his back. “I’m right here,” I whispered in his ear before looking up at the janitor, who was limping inside. He had a bad leg, the rumors said it was from a military accident. He had been working for Berkshire for fifteen years now, and he was loved by everyone. Sweet Mister Johnson.
“We got locked in by accident,” I explained, motioning toward the TV with one hand. “We had to get the TV, but the door closed on us.”
Mr. Johnson looked down at Maddox and I, where we were still kneeling. I was practically sitting on his lap, and his arms around me were tight. Maddox was a sinking ship; he was drowning in the wreckage of a wounded heart, and I was the anchor holding him together.
I got you.
My heart couldn’t bear to let go, even though I knew I had to. Eventually.
“Is he okay?” Mr. Johnson looked mildly curious, but mostly worried.
I nodded. “Could you grab the TV for us, please? The cords are all tangled up together.”
“Of course. Let me get it. Which class are you guys in?”
“Mrs. Levi.”
“I’ll bring it. Get back to class.” He waved, shooing us away.
“Thank you, Mr. Johnson.”
My nails grazed Maddox’s scalp in a soothing manner as I ran my fingers through his hair. “Maddox?” At the sound of his name, he pulled away from me and stood up. I could tell he was still shaky, his body swaying before he found his footing again, and he refused to look at me. Still holding onto his hand, we walked out of the storage closet. His breathing has evened out now, and his face had hardened, his eyes lifeless.
Maddox was shutting down… shutting me out.
“We can grab a bottle of water from the vending machine,” I suggested, gently.
When I tried to squeeze his hand, he ripped it away from me. Like I was some kind of disease and he didn’t want to be infected. “Madd–”
“Stay away from me,” he said, and it sent chills down my spine. His voice was like a thunderclap, furious and strained.
“Maddox,” I started, but he cut me off.
“Don’t.” That was a warning, and I should’ve listened; I really should have because for the first time, I saw a different Maddox.
A boy filled with rage, but blue eyes that held a broken song.
When I tried to grab his hand again, to stop him from walking away and shutting me out, he swiveled around without warning, and I almost fell into him My lips parted with a silent gasp when he grabbed my arm in an unyielding grip and slammed me against the wall. Maddox towered over me, his jaw clenching and his eyes darkening. He looked like a raging warrior, riding into battle with the promise of death in his gaze.
His head lowered, and his breath caressed
over my lips. “Tell anyone about this and I. Will. Ruin. You. Lila,” he warned, his tone thick with threat.
“I would never…” I breathed as my body went cold.
He bared his teeth with a low growl, silencing me. “It’s been harmless fun between us, but, trust me, breathe a word about this to anyone else, I will make sure you’re never able to walk through the halls of Berkshire again without wanting to cower and hide away in fear.”
“Maddox, listen. I–”
My heart stuttered, and I forgot what I was about to say when his hand slid up my arm, and he wrapped it around my neck. His fingers tightened around the base of my throat, but it wasn’t a punishing grip. It didn’t hurt, but it was a silent promise, a warning, a deadly threat.
“I will ruin you. You’ll beg for mercy, and I will show you none, Lila.” His voice was a sharp sword carelessly slicing through me.
Maddox pushed away from me as Mr. Johnson walked out of the storage room.
“Everything okay here?” he asked, his gaze going back and forth between Maddox and I.
Maddox swore under his breath, loud enough for me to hear before he stomped away.
In the opposite direction of the class.
He was… leaving?
My voice caught in my throat as I watched him walk out of the building, the double doors closing behind him with a loud bang. I flinched as he disappeared out of my view.
Clearing my throat, I gave Mr. Johnson a tentative smile. “He just needs… a minute by himself.”
“He’s an angry young man,” he commented. “Reminds me of myself after I was discharged from the military.”
“He just…”
Mr. Johnson waved me away. “No need to explain. Here’s the TV.”
I swallowed past the burning lump in my throat, mumbled a quick thank you, before grabbing the TV stand and rolling it toward the classroom.
I expected him to come back later, but he didn’t.
There was no glimpse of Maddox for the rest of the day. I walked through the halls of Berkshire, looking for him, but he was… gone, and I felt his absence like a sharp sword slicing through me.
Maddox’s mixed emotions might have been justified in the moment, but not toward me.
I hadn’t done anything to deserve being on the receiving end of his anger. Especially not after the time we had spent in that dark storage room.
My gran always told me I was a curious little thing, but this wasn’t just about curiosity. This was the need to know the real Maddox, the one he hid behind a cool façade and a bad boy mask.
Because the Maddox in that closet, the one I held in my arms… he was a lost boy, and he reminded me of myself after I had woken up from my coma.
***
Maddox
The scent of a heavy cheap perfume touched my nostrils, and I almost gagged at how strong the smell was.
My head hurt.
My body ached.
What the fuck?
My eyes split open, and I stared at the ceiling of… not my room.
Ah fuck. Why couldn’t I remember anything? There was an empty hole in my memories, and all I remembered was…
The pounding headache had me wincing as I rolled over to my side as my stomach twisted with nausea. The bed shifted with another weight and a low moan came from the person beside me.
I let my head drop to my pillow and closed my eyes as the memories came flooding back.
The fucking storage. A reminder of my fucked-up past, carelessly thrown into a living nightmare. Lila. Fucking hell, Lila. She was with me. She held me.
She goddamn held me in her arms and rocked me like I was a child.
Lila… sang to me.
A lullaby.
The same one my mother used to sing to me. She had a habit of coming into my room to put me to sleep. She'd sing to me and kiss me on the forehead before turning off the lights and closing the door behind her.
Good night, Sweetheart. Sweet dreams.
Good night, Mommy.
That was all...before.
Before things changed, and I became a stranger to my own parents.
And Lila…
Fuck! I remembered walking away from her, threatening her.
A pained groan escaped me when I realized what a shithead I was. Lila was the one good thing in that moment, and I ruined it with my anger and ego.
No, I had been…scared.
“Hmm,” someone mumbled next to my ear. My eyes closed as I remembered the party.
I had been drunk and needed to fuck the anger out of my system. It led me to this… grabbing a bitch at Brayden’s party. The hotel. Alcohol and sex, then I passed out.
“Hey babe.” Her hand smoothed down my naked chest, and my skin crawled at the touch. None of the girls I slept with were allowed to stay after a fuckathon. I hated the after-sex-talk, and I loathed sleeping beside them. It gave them unnecessary expectations that I wanted more than just sex.
I grabbed her hand and pushed it away. The mattress shifted again and another weight beside me rolled over, throwing a leg over my hips.
Wait… another?
Ah fuck.
I guess I didn’t grab a bitch, I picked two.
“Get out,” I growled.
The one to my left let out a sleepy snort. “Excuse me? It’s four in the morning.”
“Yeah, get the fuck out.” I threw an arm over my face, waiting for them to do as they were told.
“You’re a fucking asshole. We’re not leaving.” This one was from the woman to my right. I could imagine the haughty look on her face without even having to look at her.
I sat up in bed without sparing the two of them a glance. I pushed Miss-Right-Bitch out of the way and climbed out of the huge, king-sized bed. She let out a nasty snarl, and from the corner of my eye, I saw her grabbing the bedsheet and trying to cover up her naked self.
Miss-Left-Bitch was silent but still sitting in my bed.
“I paid for this room. So, either you leave, or I call security to have you thrown out. I’m saving you some grace and keeping your dignity intact by only kicking you out and not having you thrown out. Now, Get. The. Fuck. Out,” I warned while putting on my boxers.
I turned around, giving both of them a pointed look. “I'm going to take a piss. You have two minutes to leave this room before I have you thrown out. You wanted a taste of Coulter? You got it. Now, shall we go on our merry ways? In case you're wondering, no… I'm not putting a ring on your finger.”
Blondie's eyes turned into slits as she glared at me. “Are you always like this?”
The bedsheet was still scandalously wrapped around her curvy body. It was tempting, I had to say. But my dick didn’t rouse at the sight, so that would be a no for me.
“I don't even remember your name.”
She let out a gasp, her hand flying to her tits in shock. Way overdramatic. This wasn't some goddamn soap opera.
The pounding headache was making it difficult to focus, so I blinked several times, trying to clear my blurry vision. How much did I drink? I couldn’t remember shit.
“Two minutes,” I snapped, before walking away. The bathroom door closed behind me, putting the lock in place, in case either of them had the stupid idea to join me. I didn't usually say no to shower sex, but I wasn't in a mood for another fuck session. My head was killing me, my body was sore and so was my dick.
After taking a piss, I walked out of the bathroom to see that Blondie had left, but her ‘friend’ was still here. Black hair, exotic sun-kissed skin and brown eyes, she looked like she had just walked out from a magazine.
And those chocolate brown eyes reminded me too much of Lila.
“My name is Tammy,” she introduced, breathlessly, with a thick British accent. “I mean, you didn’t ask for our names last night.”
That was because I didn’t need to know her name to fuck her. Nameless and faceless. There were countless women before her; she was just another lay. I was probably just another man on her li
st, too.
She only had her skimpy panties and bra on, her big tits practically spilling out. Any man would take their time with her body, but I wasn’t that man.
Tammy sauntered over to me, stopping an inch away. Her tits brushed against my chest, and she smoothed her palm over my abs, sliding down toward my dick. She cupped me in her warm hand, rubbing me through my boxers. “C’mon, babe. Don’t be like this. I thought you said we could go all night. We barely just started. Now that Jenna is gone, it’s just us.”
My patience was thin, and I snapped, roughly grabbing her arm and pulling her toward the door. On our way, I grabbed her black dress off the couch and dumped both outside the door.
Her face was a mask of fury, her lips parted, probably to curse me, but I slammed the door before she could go on a rage-filled rant. What a typical scene.
Yeah, I was being an asshole.
But fuck, I didn’t have the strength to deal with girls like her right now.
I sank into the bed with my head still throbbing.
Sleep took over within a minute, but it was no beauty sleep.
“Run and hide. I’ll count to twenty before coming to find you,” Nala said to me with a giggle. We were playing hide and seek. It was my favorite game to play with Nala because I was smart, and she could never find me.
Mommy said I was the smartest.
That was why I always won our games.
Nala started counting, and I ran to the basement. She wouldn’t find me there. I had to find the perfect hiding place. Our house was huge, and there were corners to hide, but Nala knew almost all of them by now. We had been friends for a few weeks, and she discovered all my hiding spots. So, I had to find a new one.
The closet!
I closed the door behind me and snuck under the shelf. Perfect spot. I was going to win again. Mommy showed me this spot when we were playing last time.
I waited and waited…and waited for Nala to find me.
It must have been a long time because my knees were starting to hurt from staying in the same position for too long.
I crawled from under my hiding spot and went to the door.
My heart froze when the door didn’t budge.