by GG Anderson
The hallway felt too empty. Everyone must have been out doing fun stuff. Walking back, a thin image appeared at the end of the hall. It wasn’t a full person, more like a misty figure. I couldn’t zoom in to see any detail. It felt like an unfocused screen.
Odd.
This wasn’t normal. My brain couldn’t even decipher if it was a man or a woman.
I tried to focus, but it kind of evaporated. I blinked, and the hallway was once again empty. I reached my door and turned the knob.
Could that have been a new ghost? I sat on the edge of my bed. “Camryn, I think I saw something, but it disappeared. It didn’t look right. Like it didn’t look like anything, which is new.”
She froze, “Saw something? Like a ghost? Was it the guy?”
I nodded and shook my head at the same time. My brain still felt like it was unset Jell-O. “I saw something at the end of the hall. But then it was gone. I don’t know. It didn’t look familiar, but I could barely focus on it.”
“So, it may have been a shadow.”
I shrugged, “I guess, but I really don’t think so. It felt different.” I sighed, sinking on to my bed. “I haven’t seen misty smokey things like this before. Even in the beginning, they were people. Maybe thin, but definitely images. When I tried to pretend, they were not there, and I would try to push them out of my mind, I still could see full figures. I could tell they were people-in a way. And since seeing him, it has been easy to tell it was him. He always brought such an ick vibe with him.” My head started to pound like a background drum in a song. “I don’t know. It was just different.”
“Savanah, you had a pretty intense head bang. It could be that part of your brain just isn’t clicking where it should be right now.”
“Yeah I guess.” I took a fry from the box. “I mean if it’s gone, that’s a good thing. I’ve never wanted this anyway.” I swallowed, but my throat felt tight. Could that have been the guy from the stairway, and the hall I saw before? If so, why was he coming in so weak? Did something really change in my brain when I fell? Concussions were a serious brain injury; I knew that from the science classes I had to take. Could it have been taken away in the fall?
“Well, then all is good.”
“Yeah. I guess it is.” I took a fry. My mind went to the girl in the window. “I fell because I was trying to see her.” I took another fry. “The girl in the window? The one who lives in Blachley? I had decided I was going to try and talk to her.” I shrugged. “I sort of worked on some stuff over Thanksgiving and was going to test it out on her.” I took a swig of water, downing more as I relished the feeling of it cooling my throat. “It didn’t work obviously.”
Camryn looked at me with a serious face. “So that’s a girl, huh? I knew it was something, but we hadn’t actually talked about that one.” She took a pull from her water bottle. It amazed me how well she dealt with all of this. “That’s what happened. I figured it had something to do with a ghost. You gotta do that stuff on soft surfaces.” She smiled, “I really hate the ER.”
‘I know I said thanks, but seriously thank you so much.”
“No problem. You’d do the same for me.” She smiled. “Darcy is chomping at the bit to find out what is going on. I say we don’t add the extra ghosts for her to stress about on campus. Let’s maybe not let her know about anyone but hallway dude. I don’t think she has walked in Hayman since then. She says she is super cool with all of it, but honestly she is obviously scared to death.” She laughed, “I know, I know she isn’t supposed to know really, but she does, and a little information will keep her at a safe distance, without causing her to never sleep again.”
I swallowed my last bite. It was stupid to think Darcy would just drift away and not ask any more questions. Camryn was right, if she knew a few things, it would make her feel in the loop without involving her more than she needed to be. No reason for her to be scared. I nodded. “Good call. What would I do without you?”
“Well, the dorm gods said you would not have to find out. Stuck with me for the rest of the year babe.” She laughed again. “The good news is Darcy is likely transferring at semester.” She shook her head. “Ok that was kinda cold. Good for you, not having to worry about her knowing more, and well kind of good for me, since I can focus on throwing and let the running stuff go.” She sighed, “She is getting the opportunity to throw at a D1 school. It is closer to home, and honestly, I would take it too.” She smiled. “But don’t worry, I’m not that good! You’re stuck with me.”
I took another fry. “Well, thank you. Even though you called Tyler.”
She shook her head and raised her brows, “I didn’t call anyone. He texted me, and I told him what I knew. He came to the hospital and offered to bring us back.”
“Well, I guess that means I owe him a thank you too.” I ate a bit more, but my appetite wasn’t back yet.
“So, are you really ok if it’s gone?”
“Oh yeah. I hoped when I got here it would go away. I was counting on it never coming with me to college. Honestly, if I were simply normal it would be awesome.” I said the words, but part of me wondered if it was true. Would it be ok? Would it bother me if that strange shadow I carried around had finally lifted?
Chapter Ten
Classes continued, but for me they were all modified. Apparently, a protocol was in place for people with concussions. I sat in an office with our accommodation’s specialist, reading me questions for quizzes, asking me constantly if I had a headache-which I did most days.
Because of my new schedule, finals didn’t look like they did for the rest of campus. I hadn’t seen Tyler, couldn’t go to full classes yet, and since I wasn’t supposed to be texting, left him a voicemail. Break was going to start in two days. I barely saw anyone lately. The stupid fall had messed up everything. Because the concussion rated so high, I wasn’t allowed to do much. I spent more time sleeping and resting than I had ever in my life. It amazed me how I could be tired after all the sleep I had. Classes were so weird, basically being tutored instead of traditional lecture. I missed the schedule I’d constructed for myself. I missed the small social circle I had started to build. And if I was being completely honest, I really missed Tyler.
And time moved slowly.
For the first time, I was completely alone. Even growing up, just on the edges of my vision, I could see the ghosts from the college, or town. Walking down the street, a normal person would see nothing but a solitary girl, but I always had an entourage, even though I worked hard to ignore it.
Now, it felt empty.
I tested walking by Blachley Hall, just to see.
I stood outside the dining hall, stalling, glancing at the window, waiting to see something.
I took the outside stairs, where I’d first seen the boy in the EMT jacket back in my dorm.
Nothing.
“So still no Casper sightings?” Camryn asked a few different times.
I smiled each time, “Nope, just as normal as you. All fixed.” I’d laugh lightly and change the subject.
Inside however, I didn’t know how to feel about the loss of my extra sight.
For years, I battled against it, I wanted nothing but for it to be gone, but now that it was, I felt naked, exposed. Constantly uneasy. Likely because I knew spirits existed. I knew they walked around regularly, and the normal person was too dumb to doubt.
I’d been privy to their company, therefore I caught myself consistently looking for signs to see them again.
Christmas break stretched from almost the beginning of December to the second week of January. Campus closed and the break allowed for even international students to travel back home to see loved ones.
My old truck puttered the familiar route back home to Albion. Grandma’s kitchen was grand central station, and she was busily baking when I walked in the small kitchen.
Dropping off my baggage, and spending a few hours chatting, seeing if I could help grandpa setting the few little decorations outside, or helping grandma package up her
mini loaves of zucchini and pumpkin bread she made for friends and neighbors. It felt like I had never left.
Finally, in the early evening, I allowed myself to take the walk I’d been looking forward to.
Walking on the old campus felt eerily silent. Birds rustled a few empty tree branches, but other than the occasional burst of wind, the grounds echoed with nothing. No feelings, no voices, not even goose bumps up my neck.
Absolutely nothing.
My feet led me to the crumbling stairs of the dormitory where I’d met the girl before. I leaned against the aged bricks, feeling a small piece break off in my fingers. I scanned the campus, searching for anything.
Staring out over the surrounding fields, I watched as the sun started its descent into slumber. The crisp air cooled, taking over my nose and fingers. If I were honest, I’d been here much longer than I planned, but couldn’t leave. I couldn’t walk away.
Finally, the owl leaving the abandoned building behind me forced me to admit that I’d come to the end of this experiment.
My feet carried me back home, and the tears rolling down on my frigid cheeks were symbolic of the denial I’d been buried in since leaving the hospital.
I didn’t want to be normal. After all these years, all these times I’d wished for nothing more than to be just like everyone else, I had to admit I’d been wrong.
My extra sense was a gift. It wasn’t a burden. I shook my head and gaffed at how foolish I’d been. What a waste. I hadn’t done anything but complain like a spoiled child. The universe had touched me with the ability to help those that were stuck in between, comfort those that had lost their loved ones, carry messages of hope to the hopeless and I had wasted it on selfish thoughts of trying to be part of the cool kids club.
Trying to blend into the masses.
Not until it had been taken from me did I realize how the masses would never understand and that would be totally fine, because the masses were not where I was destined to be. I wasn’t supposed to stand among the faceless, I’d been touched to help those invisible be seen again.
My coat collar was damp with tears when I walked back through the kitchen door. Grandma’s concern made more tears fall, and I began to tell a made up lie about a dead bird I saw. Grandma patted me on the back, wiping my cheeks with her weathered hands.
Someday she would pass on, and I wouldn’t be able to have these moments with her. Now, without my gift, I wouldn’t have the opportunity to see her again, even for a moment.
The flood gates were welded wide open and tears stopped falling before my crying had ceased. I found I couldn’t even articulate what I was crying about at the end. Everything – nothing, and all of it in between.
I slumped into my bed, exhausted, and spent. Sleep took over quickly, and I woke embarrassed at the complete come apart the night before.
I spent the day in the garage, going through and organizing old boxes of paint, caulking tubes, and miscellaneous odds and ends that had made their way onto the shelves. I needed busy work. I needed something that would occupy my mind, but not injure my brain further. Sorting felt like a good choice.
The day led into the entire week, sorting, and organizing my room, the linen closet, the basement, and finally ending up in the attic. My grandparents were appreciative of all my hard work, but really, they didn’t know how much I appreciated having something to do.
Before I knew it, Christmas had come and went, with new year’s quickly following. My grandparents had a standing Game night at the Grange Hall every New Year’s Eve. It had been a tradition in the town for years, and I’d always avoided going. Although, I couldn’t call bingo numbers or help with other games, I could at least volunteer at the refreshment table.
At least then, I could feel useful.
I had to be the youngest person in the hall by at least fifteen years. Mostly, the senior citizens of the town were filing in, smiling at old friends, complimenting each other on their sparkly New Year’s Eve sweaters.
I giggled at the scene, as it unfolded in front of me. This was exactly how most college freshmen spent their first New Year’s Eve. Hanging with the glitter sweater grandma gang! I wanted so much to text Camryn a picture, but it would only lead to getting a lecture about staying off my phone.
I missed Camryn.
Instead, I dutifully went to the kitchen, walking through for no particular reason. Emerging from the door, eating a cookie I had swiped, a baseball hat caught my eye. His tall lean back made my heart skip. He turned toward me, and I cursed my imagination under my breath. Of course, it wasn’t Tyler. How could it be? I shook my red tresses, frustrated that my mind had allowed my subconscious to go to him.
The clock countdown began, and I busied myself with the cookies and treats being filled. Everyone yelled, “Happy New Year.” The group joined into a sing along of, “Old Auld Lang Syne” which brought tears to my eyes. It felt like a black and white movie had come to life. The joy and smiles in the group made the tears overflow. What was with this break that kept making my eyes leak everywhere?
I saw grandma and grandpa. They were quietly smiling at each other. Grandpa leaned ever so softly down and kissed grandma's lips, gently and with the passion of a thousand love songs. The kiss didn’t last but a moment, and yet the connection and deep love they had for one another radiated in the air around them.
The tears changed, and they rolled down my cheeks. The regret of not appreciating what I had, when I had it. Being sure about who I was, no matter what anyone else thought, and waiting for the person to come along that valued me for me.
That was what they had, my grandparents. They had that magical connection that people write books about.
In that instant, I realized I would wait forever to find that-or simply be alone. Either way, I wouldn’t stop living my life, learning to be better and stronger. Stretching myself to be kind, to be more accepting and let things go. I would never settle again, for being the weird girl-the odd girl-the one who didn’t really match anyone else. Who said I had to match? Who said I had to be the same as anyone? Who said I had to settle for being ordinary?
My gut clinched and a sharp pain ran through my head.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Currently, I was normal. Currently, I was average. I had been given a sight, a gift, that could have been used for such great things, and I wasted so much time…
Now it had escaped me. Honestly, I wanted it back now more than ever. I longed to be weary from standing too near a spirit. I missed the creepy sensation of cold filling my limps.
I took a deep breath and turned back towards the kitchen. My head throbbed slightly, which had become normal since my fall, but my mind was clearer.
Or maybe lighter was a better description. As if the cobwebs had been swept from the murky window and light streamed in.
I had shifted in that tiny window of time standing in the ancient grange hall, watching bedazzled sweaters dance gayly around the room.
Somehow, through all the shiny sequins and glitter, I decided who I would be and what I would allow myself to not be ever again.
Chapter Eleven
J term, as it was called at the college, was a very short, very intense, but incredibly fun semester. Many students took trips abroad and had the opportunity to do different studies they didn’t usually have the chance to do.
For me, it felt lonely, because Camryn was one of those students. She left a couple days after I returned to campus. Her and a biology class had headed to Belize for three weeks of studying marine life and jaguars. I didn’t quite understand how the two could possibly be that close to one another. But then again, I was a psychology major, and anything that had bio in the title was a class I avoided at all costs.
The other roommates had remained friendly, and invited me to meals and games, but I still hadn’t been fully released yet from my concussion, so sporting events were definitely out.
Tyler had been cool since I returned. We didn’t have any classes together, and I pretend
ed that must be the reason for the distance. Then again, I continually reminded myself that it didn’t matter. He knew the truth, he didn’t want to believe it, and now since that was gone, I didn’t have time to worry about how that may affect him or make him uncomfortable. He either liked me as me or didn’t.
The resolve in my mind was much stronger when I said it out loud and ignored the pang in my chest. I knew I had to stay clear and concise on my new commitment to me. It just wasn’t always easy.
Heading to all meals, I walked directly in front of Blachley, hoping something would happen, some feeling, some small prickle. It continued to stay silent, and barren. Even after my work study shifts ended, which I had been able to still go to, but was only allowed to do tours, since it didn’t require reading, I walked slowly out the front door, lingering, waiting.
“Am I interrupting a conversation?” Tyler’s voice came from over my shoulder.
I turned quickly, almost running directly into him. “you scared me!”
“Sorry, were you-um-talking to someone?” He looked from me to the grand house over my shoulder.
My brow furrowed, “No, I am the only one here.”
He cocked his head slightly. “Ok” he shoved his hands into his pockets, “So, you know how you said you could talk to my grandpa and ask him some stuff for me?”
My face fell. Tyler didn’t know, he didn’t know that my special ability had left, spilled on the sidewalk maybe two feet from where I stood right now.
He continued, “Well, the thing is, my parents told me some stuff at Christmas, and I think you may be able to help us. There is a box with a deed in it that was lost. Grandpa is the only one who knew where it was. So, I was thinking if you could...”
I cut him off, “No Tyler, I can’t.” I shook my head rushing through my words.
His foot stepped back, shifting his weight. “Ok, well, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. Look, it isn’t for me. It is for my parents. They really need to find it. I know things are not great between us, and I am sure it is all my fault, but...”