I See You

by Molly McAdams

  I watched him in shock as he told me everything, unsure if I was breathing or not as I realized that weeks of heartache and worry could have been avoided.

  “But that night . . . I’d never expected what you told me. Because even though I didn’t believe him at the time, Jentry had said on the way to the beach that he was hung up on someone he never expected to see again. And it didn’t take a lot to connect what both of you had told me and realize that it had been you all along. And when you told me where you met him—damn it, Rorie, do you realize that I nearly walked in on the two of you that night? I never took you back to the frat house, but I didn’t realize that you’d already been in my room.”

  I dropped my face into my hands as that night came flooding back when Jentry went to talk to someone at the door, and mortification set in.

  “And how pissed off I’d already been at the thought of you looking for someone, only to realize that it was my brother. When all of that came pouring from you and settled in, I didn’t know what to do. I was livid and sick and so damn torn up that I didn’t know how to even look at you anymore. But I knew I’d already lost you to him before I’d even met you. I hated him, I hated you, I hated myself . . . and I just had to get away from you. And then . . .” He laughed sadly and shifted on the step. I looked up at him to find him staring at me as if he’d lost everything. “And then I woke up and saw you standing there with him and didn’t understand what was going on or how I’d gotten there. But once things were explained to me, I thought I could try again. I was selfish enough to think I had a second shot at keeping you. So please do not apologize to me.”

  I gently leaned over, trying not to jostle him, and laid my head on his shoulder. “But I am sorry,” I whispered. “So incredibly sorry. Hurting you . . . I never wanted to hurt you.”

  Another sad laugh left him as he wrapped his arm back around me. “Rorie, if there’s anything I’m sure of in the past year, it is that you didn’t want to hurt me. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.”

  I wanted to apologize again, but kept the words back. We stayed like that for a few minutes before I asked, “Knowing what you know, what did you think would’ve happened if your plan had worked?”

  “I just would have prayed to God that Jentry would eventually do something to make you hate him,” he responded immediately.

  I laughed softly. “You’re lucky you broke a couple of ribs.” The amusement quickly faded from my face and voice when I said, “What you did, the way you tricked me, that wasn’t fair. But our relationship wasn’t fair to you because even if he’d never come back, I would’ve never belonged to anyone else. I’m sorry for all of it.”

  “I’m not,” he said honestly. “I had an incredible year with you, Rorie Wilde. I’m . . . I’m not happy for you or for him. I don’t know how to be. But I know we’re over. I’ve known from the second I heard you two out on the beach that one night. I just didn’t want to admit it.”

  My body stiffened. “You heard us?”

  Declan sighed uncomfortably, and unwrapped himself from me to straighten up. “Yeah, our bedroom windows had been open. I couldn’t hear what you were saying, just heard you. But people fighting like that aren’t fighting over someone smoking.”

  “Taylor?”

  “Found me just as I’d started storming out of the bedroom. I wanted to die when I saw her because she looked so panicked, and it confirmed what I’d already been thinking; so I pretended not to know where you were.”

  My head shook absentmindedly as I looked back at the field while I let Declan’s words sink in. “I think back on it and wish I would have done so many things differently. Told you differently, or just at a different time. Sooner. But nothing ever felt like the right time because I do love you.”

  “Do you?” he said in playful awe. “Hey, I got a ring and a pastor. Wanna get married?”

  “Even though I’m happy knowing you didn’t lose it, your humor isn’t appreciated right now, Dec.” But even as I said the words, a smile began covering my face.

  “Just needed to see you smile again.”

  I rolled my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder again. “I would like to know how you got that ring back. I had it in a jewelry box.”

  “Really? I found it in my room with a bunch of stuff when we got here last night. When I found it, my mom said that they’d given it to her with my belongings after the accident. She kept saying it must have fallen off your hand.”

  I sat back and looked up at him, and knew by the look on his face that he was telling the truth. “No, they gave me your belongings because your mom was filling out paperwork. I put the ring away when I went back to the apartment the morning after your wreck.” I sucked in a quick breath then released it slowly when I thought about the one time I knew for sure Linda had gone through our apartment. “Never mind, I . . . never mind.”

  “What—”

  “Trust me that now is not the time to hear about all of it.”

  His brow furrowed, and he looked like he was going to push the issue, but he sighed instead. “I’ll wait for you to tell me if you do me a favor.”

  I lifted an eyebrow in question, and his green eyes searched mine for a second in silence.

  “I know that no matter what, I’ll be standing by Jentry’s side at his wedding as his best man. So if it’s you . . . If you marry him, don’t ask for my permission. Don’t ask me to give you away. I’m already doing that by letting you go.”

  I nodded faintly and whispered, “’Kay.”

  “It’s going to be hard to find someone like you.”

  “Good, then you’ll be able to find someone better,” I said, and leaned forward to press my lips to his forehead. “Love you, Dec.”

  Jentry stayed close enough behind me that I could have leaned against him as Declan told his family what he really remembered from the night of his accident, but was being considerate enough to Declan not to actually touch me.

  Declan explained everything once he was seated back in the recliner: what he’d figured was happening between Jentry and me, what his plan had been before the accident, and what his new plan had been when he woke up. And when it was necessary, Jentry and I filled in the blanks in the story—our sides of the story.

  Kurt remained quiet, as did Linda’s parents—though they looked thoroughly shocked. Lara, Holly, and their husbands varied between shock, confusion, and disappointment throughout it all. Linda was the only one who remained completely impassive and still as stone from start to finish.

  I had a feeling that beneath her blank exterior, she was fuming.

  “Well,” Linda said once it was all over. “What happens now?”

  I glanced across the room to where Declan was sitting, then met the eyes of the rest of his family as we all waited for someone to say something.

  “You can’t expect us to just go on acting as if this had never happened,” she continued. “You couldn’t honestly think we would be okay with you going from one son to another.”

  “Mom—” Jentry began, but Linda cut him off.

  “No, she has done enough. Rorie, it’s time for you to leave now. I know most of my family agrees with my request that you never set foot in this house again.”

  But instead, protests of “Linda,” “Honey,” and “Mom” sounded throughout the room.

  Her lips pursed and she gave me a stern look. “Get going before you ruin my family some more.”

  “She goes, I go.” Jentry’s deep voice rumbled behind me. “Or is that what you’re still expecting, since yesterday that was your ultimatum? If I stayed with Aurora, you were disowning me.”

  Even though I had explained that I’d given Jentry my full name when I’d first met him, Declan hadn’t heard him use it, and I didn’t miss the way his head snapped up when Jentry said it, either. A small pit of guilt formed in my stomach, but I tried to push it back.

  Linda’s face fell. “Of course not. I didn’t honestly think you would choose her over your brother, but no
matter my disappointment in your choices, you are still my son! And as my son, I do not approve of—”

  “Mom, do you think it’s easy for me to look across the room and see Rorie standing with Jentry?” Declan asked, his voice thick with emotion. “She’s supposed to be here,” he said firmly, and gestured to the side of the recliner. “But you don’t hear me asking her to leave, and you won’t.”

  “Honey, she played you and she’s gonna do the same to Jentry.”

  “No, she didn’t. Didn’t you hear us explain it? The three of us got caught up in a hard situation with bad timing, and we all worked through it in different ways. She could have gone about things so differently, and I would have gladly been the one forcing her out of the house, but she didn’t. This is how it’s going to be from now on. If I can live with it, you can, too.”

  With those last words, Linda snapped. “I refuse to allow this trash into my family.”

  “What is it, Linda?” I demanded forcefully. “What is it about me that you don’t like?”

  “Aurora,” Jentry said softly behind me; his tone neither a warning nor encouragement, but some odd mixture.

  “No, it’s like you said, she always wants to bring everyone into it, so I’ll stop waiting for it to be just us. We’ll finish it with everyone.” I set my gaze on Linda and gritted my teeth as I said, “Your family has always told me how sweet and loving you are, but you chose to let me see sides of you that your family didn’t know existed, and for what purpose?” I laughed, but there was no humor behind the sound. “You know, I thought you, if anyone, would be happy about this because all you’ve ever wanted was me out of the picture so that Madeline could have a chance to come back. Madeline. Madeline, who cheated on your son with multiple other guys for years. But for some reason Madeline is a better choice than me any day. For some reason you’ve called me trash more times than I can count! Just the thought of hurting one of your sons guts me, and Madeline has never cared to apologize for sleeping with Declan’s friends. But she wears an obnoxious tiara everywhere, and she’s Miss North Carolina, so it’s okay, right, Linda?”

  I hated that tears were welling up in my eyes, but these were words I had been thinking of and wanting to say for weeks, emotions I had been keeping back, and they were finally bursting from me.

  “So what is it?” I asked again when she didn’t respond, only this time my tone had turned pleading. “Is it that I love your sons, and that scares you? Is it that I knew I was forcing one into a life he shouldn’t be in, so I tried to get both of us out of it so I could be happy and so that he could have a fair chance at finding someone worth his love? Or is it that I care about your entire family so deeply that I will put up with every hateful thing you throw at me because loving them means I love you, too? When Declan was in a coma, I knew you were scared and hurting, and needed someone to hurt back. And you did! You hurt me over and over again, but I’m still here. When will it be enough?”

  Still she didn’t say a word.

  “Maybe you weren’t threatened by Madeline because she never loved Declan,” I assumed softly. “Maybe that was it all along. Maybe you saw that I did love your son, and that scared you. Sons usually leave, daughters stay, right? Isn’t that what people say?”

  Kurt smiled for a moment at that; Linda’s face tightened.

  “I’ve never once tried to take Declan from you, and I’m not going to try to take Jentry from you. I moved here for you, I’ve been to every family dinner with and without Declan for you. I’m here, and your sons aren’t gone. Can’t you see that?”

  Linda just stared at me for long moments before lifting her chin and curling her lip. “Get out of my house.” Without waiting to see if I would, she turned and walked from the room.

  26

  Present Day

  Aurora

  “How is it that it isn’t even noon yet, and this day has already felt incredibly long?” I asked Jentry a couple of hours later when we were back at the apartment and walking into the master bedroom.

  We hadn’t stayed much longer at the Veils’ after Linda had walked out of the living room, since it was clear she wouldn’t be coming back as long as we were there.

  Declan told us that he planned to move back in with his parents—that it would be easier since he still needed to go through some physical therapy and couldn’t go back to work yet—but none of us had mentioned what would happen with the apartment after.

  It was a place that Declan and I had picked out together, and a place that had never started to lose the prisonlike feeling even after Jentry had moved in or Declan had woken up. And even though neither of us had said as much, I knew Jentry and I both felt a little uncomfortable there knowing that it had been my space with someone else. The lease wouldn’t be up for some time, but we would figure out what to do later. For now, the day had already been exhausting enough.

  I crawled onto the large bed once Jentry was lying on it and leaning back against some pillows. I rested my head on his stomach and looked up into his dark eyes, and an overwhelming sense of contentment and peace flooded through me as I watched him watching me.

  This was it; this was my sunrise.

  “I see you,” he murmured roughly, and lifted his hand to trail it through my hair.

  I nodded, because I saw him, too. I saw his love and his happiness—matching my own—just the same as I saw his pain and his fear. I didn’t need to ask about the pain, because I had no doubt it was linked with Declan’s and mine, but the fear . . . “Before this week, I would have sworn you were fearless. Does your anger scare you that much?”

  Jentry looked amused that I’d even known he was thinking about it, but the amusement faded. “Yes and no. I try not to focus on it. The more Jessica is around, the more I do because she will never let me forget about it. And when I look at you . . .” He trailed off and just stared at me for a moment. “When I look at you, Aurora, I see everything I’ve ever wanted. And as much as I hate it and try to push it away, that makes me hear my biological mother, and makes me terrified of what I could do to you. The thought of ever hurting or ruining you haunts me.”

  I opened my mouth, but hesitated.

  “Say it,” he prompted gently.

  “You told me that you vowed to protect people instead of hurt them, but the way you are—you don’t protect people because you feel like you should or you have to. It’s your natural instinct to. The possibility of what you could do when you’re angry is what fuels your fear of it. Anyone can do something horrible when they’re angry. The difference is that you’ve lived it. You’ve felt it. You grew up in it, but you got away, and that isn’t your life even if Jessica wants you to believe that it is.”

  “You haven’t seen me when I just . . . when I lose it.”

  “No, but I know you,” I said firmly. “And I think anyone would beat up their best friend if they found him with their twin sister.”

  Jentry’s face pinched as he held back a laugh. “I don’t know about that, and I don’t want that image in my mind anymore.”

  I moved so I was on my knees, facing him, and ran my hand over his head until I was cupping the back of his neck. Pressing my forehead to his, I brought my other hand up and trailed the tips of my fingers over his lips. “This,” I said softly. “You can think about it and find it funny. Not because you snapped, but the whole situation.” I worried my bottom lip, and kept my tone hesitant when I said, “You told me that you’ve gone off on two people. Was she the second?”

  “No,” he said quickly. “No, that . . . that was something else. It still had to do with Declan, though. Told you I got back here as soon as I could when I found out about Dec, and that I couldn’t leave before that.” Jentry’s dark eyes glanced to mine before looking away.

  I blinked quickly as I tried to understand exactly what he meant. When it seemed like he wouldn’t elaborate, I reminded him, “I’ve been asking you ever since you came back what kept you away for those three weeks.”

  For a long time, h
e just stared at nothing as silence filled the room. “I was already so upset over Declan,” he said, as if he was defending whatever he’d done.

  “Your anger doesn’t scare me, Jentry,” I whispered.

  “Remember when I told you that you couldn’t think about the ifs, or try to take the blame for something you had no control over?” When I nodded, he continued, “One of my NCOs . . . he and I have had bad blood between us for a while. Years. His buddy died during an ambush on my second tour, and he’s always blamed me even though I know I couldn’t have stopped it from happening.” His eyes flashed to mine. “That doesn’t mean I didn’t agonize over what I could’ve done differently. It doesn’t mean I didn’t blame myself for a long time.”

  My eyes fluttered shut as my chest ached for Jentry and for the people affected in that ambush.

  “When I got the phone call from you about Dec’s accident, I immediately tried to get leave. But the request had to go through that NCO first, and he saw it as his last chance to piss me off before I got out, and denied it. Tore the request up right in front of me. I was going to wait until the morning and take a new request straight to the commanding officer, but he kept saying shit about his friend and about Declan until I lost it. Three guys had to pull me off of him.” Jentry’s tone was hard, but still so quiet I could barely hear him. “He tried to have me arrested, but the commanding officer lessened it. He put me on restriction until my contract was up.”

  “What’s that?”

  “It’s like being grounded. Can’t leave; have to do extra duty. I couldn’t get back here, but it was better than the alternative.”