by Trinity Wood
"Thank you." Florian's faint voice snaps me out of my own misery. What is he going through that he doesn't want to share? Who is he leaving behind to go away for a whole year?
Corey faces forward in his seat. “You know … when we're back, you could try and beg Ellie to take you back."
I shake my head, take one look out the window, put my earphones back on, and try to sleep again. But I can’t. No peace for the brokenhearted, I guess. Is this what it’s going to be like for the next year? No sleep and a broken heart won’t keep us alive on the ocean. I have to get over this, and fast. Why the hell am I doing this if I’m going to be miserable the whole time? If I’m going to do it—and I am—I have to be committed. It’s the adventure of a lifetime! Am I going to let a lost relationship keep me from giving it my all?
Maybe.
No. No. I’m ready for this adventure, whatever it brings. Because if I’m not, my friends could die.
Chapter 18
Sam
It's been two weeks since we've arrived in Spain and four weeks since Ellie and I broke up. The emptiness I feel inside hasn't subsided at all, and I still think about her, and what could have been, all the time.
Our Round the World Ocean Race team is called Llorca, after a famous Andalusian poet, and we're all staying at a large hotel in touristy Marbella. Corey, Florian, and I take all available free moments to explore the local area, either by foot, or hiring a car and taking turns to drive.
I soak up the atmosphere in Marbella Old Town, with its quaint squares and tiny bodeguitas offering the most delicious fresh orange juice I've ever had.
The boys and I watch the world go by, and I can't help but think of Ellie from time to time. She would love being here in the sun, trying the food, making conversation with people, buying trinkets. We never got around to going on holiday together.
I wonder what she's doing these days. Is she still at Tayla's? Is she still working at the North Shore daycare? Has she found someone else?
I may or may not have checked her Instagram daily. Corey caught me once, rolled his eyes to high heavens. I also caught him checking Tayla's Instagram, but he denied it. I guess we're even now.
The weather started packing in three days ago and hasn't let up since. There's talk of delaying the start to the race.
This morning, the race director is doing a tour of all the teams' quarters, checking in with everyone. "As you're experienced sailors, you don't need me to come and tell you that these are unsailable conditions.”
The breakfast room where we're all gathered is brimming with disapproving sailors whispering their discontent.
The director continues in his clipped British accent. "We're waiting for the go-ahead from the Race Committee, but I'm sorry to say that at this point it doesn't look like we'll be able to start on the first of March as planned. More likely it will be from the seventh of March onwards".
The room is at boiling point by now. I couldn't care less as I'm away from Ellie and everything be damned, but Corey and Florian, among others, are shaking their heads and swearing.
The Director beats a hasty retreat, leaving in a flurry of agitation.
"For fuck's sake, how long are we staying cooped up in here? I'm keen to get going." Corey's impatience is clearly showing. He drums his fingers on the table to a rhythm known only to him.
"I suppose they don't want us to get hurt,” I say. “They're being careful. I don't mind waiting," I offer, hoping to lead by example.
Corey lets out a deep sigh. Florian clears his throat and takes a serious drink of coffee.
Jonny, one of the British sailors who is meant to be on our boat, swings by our table.
"Hey lads, all good? Up for a game of Catan to pass away some rainy hours?" He's cheerful and carefree, and for once I wish I were in his shoes. No visible past traumas, maybe no girlfriends left behind.
Florian perks up. "We need a couple more for Catan. Do you think you can rally some other guys?"
Jonny laughs. "Sure do. There's three of us Brits plus two Kiwis and a German here. Reckon we have enough."
I'd hoped to go exploring some more in the area since we couldn't train or depart, but the constant rain has smothered that idea. Maybe a morning of board games might make the time go faster, and I'm keen to meet others who love sailing as much as I do.
Corey stays silent but follows us to a bigger table, so I gather he's participating. We join Jonny, Cam, and Phil—the British contingent—at the table.
Jonny takes charge. "Right folks, do you know the rules?"
We all nod.
I'm a bit rusty, I haven't played board games since … since I took Ellie to my parents' house at Christmas. I scratch my head. My chest tightens. Ooof. I haven't told them yet. They're going to be disappointed. If I tell them today, that gives them a year and then some to get over the breakup, to forgive me. Not likely. Not sure even I’ll have forgiven myself by then.
"...Ten points to win the game. The winner gets a bottle of whisky of their choice." Everyone laughs at that, but it seems I must have missed a joke.
Corey's relaxed now, cracking jokes with the others and being his usual charming self. Even Florian chimes in from time to time to make fun of my game choices.
"So, what brings you here, guys? For a year-long race?" Phil, the older British sailor, asks, a loaded question if I’ve ever heard one.
"I want to win." The words are out of my mouth, before I realize what I'm saying. I’ve always wanted to win. Winning means I’m alive. Winning means I’m worthy … I look down before I say something stupid.
Phil laughs. "Of course you do. We all do."
Corey's looking straight at me. "Not as much as he does."
I'm two thirds of the way to my victory points, and the others are starting to cotton on that I'm on track to win the game.
"Hey, that's not fair. Block him." Cam, a British sailor in their early 20s, tries in vain to rally the troops.
Corey rolls his eyes. "Nah, that's what he's like, wants to win every time." Corey just sounds resigned. "If only he were so determined in his personal life." He raises an eyebrow at me.
"Whoaaaa.” Johny wiggles his eyebrows. “Loving this. What's he hiding?" Jonny is having a whale of a time, and everyone at the table is staring at me.
I hate it. "That was below the belt, Corey." The last thing I want is to talk about Ellie. The thought of her torments me enough every night and every waking moment, thank you very much. I don’t need Corey’s help to feel shite.
I gain two more victory points plus a bonus and win the game in just under two hours. Everyone else is deflated.
Corey's got more up his sleeve. "To answer your earlier question, Phil, I think we're all here to run away or hide from something." I don't even have to look up to know his gaze is fixed on me. "Maybe a broken heart … maybe money … maybe just restlessness … maybe just the desire to win … But at the end of the day, if your heart's not in it, then you shouldn't do it."
I can't look him in the eye. I just can't. It's all too raw.
But Corey won’t let me run. "Look at me, Sam. Just look at me. I'll tell you two things, just two, then you can tell me to go to hell."
I look at him. He's the same old Corey, my sailing partner since we were sixteen and eighteen, respectively. In my mind's eye, he hasn't aged that much since we were teens, though we're now in our 30s. Maybe more wrinkles, more gray hairs, and a heck of a lot more experience.
Everyone else is silent, probably wondering what this is all about. Florian is drinking a third coffee already.
Corey puts up a single finger, holds it high. "First thing. You win this race. And then? What's the point of winning this race? And the next one? And the one after that? What's the point of winning any of them, if you've lost the most important thing, the love of your life?"
I feel like leaving. It’s just too much. I can't bear it. My knuckles are white and my fingernails slice into my palms.
Corey adds a second finget t
o his first. "And second, and last thing, this thing you've been looking for may be at home in New Zealand …"
Phil wipes a tear from the corner of his eye. Cam clears their throat, and Jonny's smile has disappeared.
Corey’s on a roll. "Now you can tell me to go to hell, but I've been wanting to tell you this for the past two weeks because you're miserable. I've known you for fifteen years, and I've never seen you this unhappy." Corey's talking so fast now, I can't keep up.
My voice is too quiet. "I don't know what to do. I've never done it before."
Florian's voice rings out clearly. "You need to go back to New Zealand and abandon the race."
He says it like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Abandon the race. Go home. And my heart seems to agree. At the end of it all, I’d rather win Ellie than a race. “Alright.”
***
Ellie
It's been two weeks since Sam came to our house, and stood outside without coming in, before leaving for Europe the next day. I still have nightmares about it from time to time, his face full of sorrow as he drove away.
I'm still at Tayla's house, in the spare room, after Corinne took my old room. I haven't found a place that's as nice as this one, and I enjoy the company of friends.
Tayla and Corinne keep me sane and grounded. Whenever I start crying, reminiscing about Sam and I, they distract me without trying to push me to date someone else.
Today's an ordinary Thursday, and after coming in from work, I change into leggings and a t-shirt, and take Daisy out for a walk. Daisy motors on with her chunky legs every time I throw the ball and dutifully brings it back. After a solid hour of time together, I go back, and prepare to make dinner for all of us, as it's my turn to cook.
Before they come home, I turn the TV on, a little bit of background noise to keep me company while I'm cooking. I prepare to roast the fish, and my heart skips a beat. There are images of Sam and Corey on TV. My first instinct is to turn it off. Seeing him brings me so much fresh pain, but it seems I’m a sucker for pain so I turn the volume up.
"Sam Northcroft, the famed Kiwi Sailing champion and Olympian, is pulling out of the Round the World Ocean Race for personal reasons. Fellow sailors Corey Fine and Florian Mittel are still in the competition. Northcroft's replacement will be announced soon."
I droop onto the sofa just as Tayla and Corinne enter the house. They see my stricken expression and immediately rally around me.
Tayla leans and touches my shoulder. "What's wrong? Has something happened?"
A twist in my gut. Fear. Relief. Apprehension. Doubt. Love. "I don't know." I burst into tears. "He's coming back."
Chapter 19
Sam
I’d forgotten it only takes fifteen minutes to drive from my house to Ellie’s. In my mind the Harbor Bridge that separates our places is an uncrossable gulf, impossible to overcome. Fifteen minutes, three songs on the radio, or a short sailing regatta.
I am buzzing with excitement at seeing Ellie again, holding her in my arms, telling her how I felt, and this feeling buoyed me until Shanghai. There’s no place like home, and I've come to learn that home is wherever Ellie is.
But doubts drown my high. Maybe she found someone else already. Maybe she won't want to see me at all. Maybe I'm entitled, thinking I can slot straight back into her life and pick up where we left off.
I haven ‘t thought about what to tell her when I see her. In the best scenario, she just falls into my arms, tells me she loves me and that she's been waiting for me. In the worst scenario, she slams the door in my face.
It's evening, and the setting sun mottles colors in the harbor. Before I have a chance to process everything, I’m in Hillcrest, with its quiet tree-lined streets. Could I live here? There’s nothing keeping me City side. It’s not like I go out every night. Or every week. Or every month, even.
I park on Ellie and Tayla’s driveway. The lights are off in the front part of the house. Have they gone out? I haven’t prepared for this. What should I do next? Should I write an old-fashioned note and push it through the letterbox? Should I text her and tell her I want to see her? I turn to leave and catch a glimmer of light at the back of the house. My heart leaps. They must be in the garden.
I lock my car and walk towards the garden side gate. There’s laughter, some music … and is that a man’s voice? What the hell is going on? I’m torn between turning back to my car and running away like I always do. But a new feeling creeps through my chest—jealousy. Why are there guys here, and what are they doing? I walk faster and open the gate to a scene I hadn’t expected when I left Spain and abandoned the race.
It’s like I’m in a sit-com, and I’m the new arrival in town everyone stares at. I take a good look at everyone around the table. Some are familiar faces like Ellie, Tayla, Paddy and Gracie. Other faces are unfamiliar. I suspect the dark-haired girl is Corinne, but the guy next to Ellie gives me pause. Have I met him before? Is he one of their friends? I can’t place my finger on it, but maybe we've met. They’re all silent, staring at me with their mouths open, about to eat dinner, and I’ve just interrupted them. Great.
Ellie looks even more mouthwateringly beautiful than I remembered. My heart skips a beat.
Paddy recovers quickly and lets out a hearty laugh. “Well, I’ll be damned, if it isn’t the prodigal son. Hey cuz, good to see you back in one piece. Looking good. A bit on the light side, though.”
This is probably the worst-case scenario, one I hadn’t prepared for, where Ellie not only isn’t alone, but is surrounded by a bunch of clowns. And that chief clown, the dude by her side.
Tayla rolls the wine in her glass lazily. “Watcha doing?” Her voice is calm, but she’s lethal, that’s clear. "All swell?"
I look straight at Ellie. “Hey. Ah, I was hoping to speak to Ellie, maybe take her out for dinner … But you guys are already eating. Maybe I should come back another time.”
Ellie is agitated. I can’t read other people’s expressions, but I feel so in tune with her now, that I can tell broadly how she’s feeling.
Corinne gestures toward an empty chair. “Just get a chair and have a sausage sandwich. Lord knows you look like you need it.” More humor. Great. I’m being roasted mercilessly, but I guess I deserve it.
The guy next to Ellie laughs politely, as well, and my fist bunches. Gracie nudges Paddy, who notices the change in atmosphere and takes pity on me.
“Ellie, how about you take Daisy out for another walk, and Sam here can make sure you’re safe?” I fervently give thanks to Paddy in my head. I’ll buy him the most expensive whisky I can get my hands on. I don’t know exactly what I’ll tell Ellie, but I know that I need a chance.
“Talk it out,” Gracie whispers, but loud enough for everyone to hear.
Ellie’s been silent so far. She looks at Tayla, who shakes her head in annoyance. She stands up, and her floor length summer dress flows around her. Without saying a word, she grabs Daisy’s lead and sets off towards the gate, Daisy hot on her heels. I follow suit, like a drowning man chasing a mermaid. Just being near her after being apart for nearly a month is everything. And not enough. I need to know. Will she give me another chance, or will she send me to hell?
***
Ellie
Sam looks different, somehow. His hair is shorter, and his body is leaner. He doesn’t seem nervous at all. He stood his ground as nearly everyone at the table had a go at him.
In my wildest dreams I hadn’t imagined him casually dropping by. Of course I’ve wondered what personal reasons brought him home. Maybe something happened to his family to make him leave the Round the World Ocean Race.
As we walk side by side with Daisy towards the park around the corner from my house, I steal glances at him. He's smartly dressed, and he's got a determination about him that I haven't seen before.
"Is your family well?" We enter the park and I let Daisy off the lead so she can have a sniff around the place.
Sam's surprised. He clearly wasn't expecting th
is question. "Yes, all well back home. Why do you ask?"
We get to a bench that's a bit out of the way, by the shrubbery towards the pond, and Sam gestures for me to sit.
I sit and search his face. "Why did you come back early from the Round the World Race then?" I brace myself for the answer, however painful it may be.
His gray eyes are stormy by now, and I can read many things in them. Need. Hope. Abandon. I let myself hope for the first time since I heard he quit the race.
"I think you know ... I came back for you." He picks up my hand, brings it to his lips, kissing my fingers one by one, and sending shivers down my spine.
"Why?" I just can't make sense of this. One moment he goes away, next moment he comes back, like passing ships through the night. I take my hand away.
He pushes his fingers through his hair and frowns. "You're not going to make this easy, are you?" He grins.
I just raise my eyebrows at him.
He shifts a bit and rubs his palms on his pants. "I don't know how to make grand gestures. I can't make fancy speeches and charm everybody. What I do know is I've been the most miserable I've ever been in my life over the past month, and I need you in my life. You're my North Star. I'm lost at sea without you."
Oh my ... Whatever resolve I have is fading away bit by bit, thawing like an ice cube left in the sun. Yet … “You were hell-bent on going on that year-long journey around the world. What do you really want?” I’m scared it’s going to happen again, and I’ll go through all the pain over and over again with each new race, like Groundhog Day. It was enough last time, and I’m still not over it.
He smiles. “At home and on the way here I rehearsed everything I would say … I was going to take you out for dinner somewhere private, and I was going to tell you how I’ve felt all this time, how much I love you, and that I know what I want to do … But now I’m here with you, I’m lost for words.” Sam takes my hand again, moves closer to me on the bench, and looks deep into my eyes. “I’ve behaved like an absolute dick. Your job is much more important than mine. You teach kids about numbers, sharks, and … stuff.” Sam looks away and waves a hand towards the east side, where the sea is. “I just make boats go fast and get paid for it. Not on the same level, Ellie. Not by far.”