by Nikki Ash
I’m sorry for yelling at you and telling you you’re dead to me.
I’m sorry for getting you pregnant.
Actually, I’m not sorry for that. I’m sorry for not being there while you’re pregnant and all the pain I’ve caused you.
I’m sorry,
Marco
December 15th
Belles,
Ingrid said there’s more to be said than just saying sorry. So, I’ve been thinking about what else I would say to you once I have you in front of me but I’m not sure. What I really want to do is kiss you. You are an amazing kisser. I miss how soft your lips are and the way you grip the back of my neck. I don’t think I would want to talk. I would just want to kiss you. Who needs words? I would probably just fuck up whatever it is I would want to say anyway.
Love,
Marco
December 16th
Belles,
I spoke with Mathias today. He accepted a job in San Francisco and will be moving in about six months. It’s through his dad’s architecture firm and he’s going to run the office up there. I hate that the last time he saw me I was high. I hate that he’s one of the few relatives I have left and I fucked it up. I apologized and he accepted. We made plans for me to visit one day. I was thinking maybe we could go together. I would love for you to meet Mathias. I’ve lived in California for almost 5 years and haven’t gone any further North than Los Angeles. I want to go away with you. I went to the Bahamas a few years ago with friends and it was beautiful. I know you went to New York with Tristan and that guy Mason. Maybe you can show me around? And we can go on new trips together. Like to Paris or Italy… I’ve never gone anywhere. Let’s go somewhere, anywhere, everywhere together.
Love you,
Marco
December 17th
Belles,
I have less than 3 weeks until I get out of here. That’s less than 21 days. I can’t believe I’ve made it this long. I hope these next 3 weeks fly by.
Love,
Marco
December 18th
Belles,
The pregnant woman, her name is Heather. She went into labor today. It’s not good. It’s too early, I think. I don’t know how far you have to be for the baby to be okay but 26 weeks can’t be good. My mom said you are due January 30th so that would make you roughly 33 weeks. When I get out of here you will be 36 weeks. I hope I can make it right so I can see our daughter being born. But if not, I am praying everything goes okay. That she is born and you are both healthy. And happy.
Love,
Marco
December 19th
Belles,
Ingrid asked me about fighting today. I’ve spent almost seventy days in here and haven’t thought once about fighting. All my thoughts have been about you. There’s something you should know. I am never going to fight again. Fighting is what lead to the accident. It’s why Logan ended up in a coma. It’s what lead to my back being hurt and turning to drugs. It’s what kept me away from you while you’re pregnant. I loved fighting, Belles. But now it’s tainted.
Marco
December 20th
Belles,
Now that I’m not going back to fighting, I’m starting to freak out. What will I do once I’m out of here? I have some money saved from the UFC but it’s not enough to live on forever. Now I know why your parents are making you go to college. What if I can’t find a job? How will I provide for you and our daughter? I don’t even know who I am without fighting.
Marco
December 21st
Belles,
I’m not going to stress over the whole job thing right now. If I’ve learned one thing in here it’s to take it all one step at a time. One day at a time and that’s what I’m going to do.
Love,
Marco
December 22nd
Belles,
Maybe I could be a stay-at-home dad like Bentley. His ass loves being home. You could fight in the UFC and I could stay home. Unless you’re with Tristan. Let’s just pretend there’s no possibility of that.
Love,
Marco
December 23rd
Belles,
So, I spoke with my mom today and she mentioned you… She didn’t actually say it, but I don’t think she thinks you and Tristan are together. I’ve always known my mom is smart, but I think she’s got super mom powers or some shit because I swear she knows something is going on. I guess we will find out in a couple weeks.
Love,
Marco
December 24th
Belles,
3 years ago today we made love for the first time. It was the best night of my life. I can still remember the way you felt under me. The softness of your skin and the way we kissed for hours. I want to kiss you and feel you. If I have it my way, we will have a million more of those nights in the future. Happy Christmas Eve, baby.
Love,
Marco
December 25th
Belles,
Merry Christmas! My mom said they are in Colorado but you aren’t there. I guess you can’t fly because you are due soon. It made me think of the night we had sex. You still owe me $200.00. We never did discuss those payment options. I hope wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you are having a good Christmas. I am making this promise right here and now. I will never go another holiday without my family and that includes you and our daughter.
Love,
Marco
December 26th
Belles,
Heather is back. Her baby didn’t make it. Something about him going into distress. I don’t really know all the details. I hate to even write to you and tell you this but I had to tell someone. She’s so sad but she came back to keep getting better. I hope she gets better. I wish I was with you right now making sure you’re okay. I’m glad Tristan is with you, though.
Love,
Marco
December 27th
Belles,
In group today, the counselor said the relapse percentage rate for people who complete the program is 60%. That means I have a 60% chance of relapsing sometime in my life. I don’t like those statistics. I have lived in Vegas long enough to know the odds are against me. I need to be the 40%. I need to be it for you and especially for our daughter.
Love,
Marco
December 28th
Belles,
Thinking about you today. I often wonder what you’re doing on a random day. If you’re getting coffee with friends or shopping for the baby. Maybe you’re sitting on the couch looking at baby names. Christmas is over, so I imagine you’re taking the tree down while listening to Christmas music because you love hearing it even when it’s not Christmas.
Love,
Marco
December 29th
Belles,
I hate that in two days it will be New Year’s eve and we won’t be starting it together. I try to think back to the past, conjure up memories that will fill the void I feel until I can see you. I don’t think we have any significant New Year’s memories. I do remember one year, your mom had hidden the candy from you from Halloween and on New Year’s when all the adults were drunk, you found it and ate every single Reeses in the bag. You spent hours throwing up and your mom thought you were drunk. Good times.
Love,
Marco
December 30th
Belles,
Today I have been thinking a lot about us (I know, what’s new?). Remember when you were younger and all the boys wouldn’t fight you? They were afraid they were going to hurt you. So, I stepped up and fought you, and even though you didn’t stand a chance against me, you fought like hell, giving it all you had. You were so strong back then… You are still so strong, Belles, and our daughter will be just as strong. Never lose that strength.
Love,
Marco
December 31st
Belles,
Holidays suck in rehab. The food sucks. The company sucks. There’s no music or countdown. It all just su
cks. I hope you’re having a good night… BUT not too good of a night.
Love,
Marco
January 1st
Belles,
Happy New Year. I’ve been in here for almost 90 days. I’ve missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. And all because I chose to do drugs. I’m never making that choice again. I have started to put it in my head, there’s a chance you and Tristan are together. I know I need to think about the worst-case scenario so I’m not disappointed, but no matter what, I will never miss a holiday with our daughter. This year I’m making one resolution. To stay clean. If I can do that, I believe everything else will fall into place.
Love,
Marco
January 2nd
Belles,
I’m ready to get the fuck out of here. Like right this second. I’m sick of the uncomfortable fucking bed and the lack of privacy. I’m sick of missing you. I know I did this shit to myself. I KNOW this is my own fault. But I’m ready to get out of here.
Love,
Marco
January 3rd
Belles,
I haven’t mentioned it in a while but while being here I have been seeing a chiropractor. The pain is gone. When I walk out of here, I will never touch another drug again. Not even Tylenol. I’m never taking that chance again.
Love,
Marco
January 4th
Belles,
My parents are flying in to pick me up from rehab in two days. I’m going to go home, take a shower, put on some fresh clothes and then I am coming to find you. We are going to figure this out. I promise you that.
Love,
Marco
January 5th
Belles,
Today is the last day I will be writing you a letter. It feels like I’ve been having a one-sided relationship with you, one that you know nothing about. It’s been a crazy ninety days but I’m getting out tomorrow and I’m coming for you, Belles. It may take a few weeks for me to get settled before I come for you, but mark my words baby, I’m coming and once I have you in my arms, I’m never letting you or our daughter go.
Love,
Marco
Clinched
A Fighting Love novel, book 2
Clinched
Copyright © 2018
Nikki Ash
All rights reserved
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
Cover design: Jersey Girl Designs
Cover photograph: Kruse Photography
Cover model: Blake Sevani
To my children: you are the best part of me.
Clinched
Definition: A position where two people try to control each other’s bodies by wrapping their arms around one another while fighting for the upper hand, right before the takedown.
Chapter One
Tristan
Present Day
“Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, dear Lexi! Happy Birthday to you!”
Lexi smiles wide, her big blue eyes looking around at all of our family and friends who are here, joining us to celebrate her fifth birthday. When the singing stops, she glances my way and I give her a nod.
“Go ahead, Lex. Blow out the candles and make a wish.”
She nods back then closes her eyes hard, her cute little nose scrunching up in concentration. She leans forward, and with all her might, my little girl blows the candles out. Everyone cheers and claps and snaps photos. She opens her eyes and jumps off the chair, running toward me.
“Wanna know my wish?” She’s so excited that I don’t have the heart to tell her what parents always tell their kids: If you tell anyone it won’t come true.
Bending, so I’m level with her, I pull my daughter into my arms. “Absolutely.”
She cups her hands to cover her mouth then brings them to my ear and whispers, “I wished to buy all the paint in the world and color the bestest picture ever.” She says it in such a serious tone, I know she means business.
I’m not sure where it came from, but my daughter, Alexandria Scott, has the creativity gene running through her veins. She lives and breathes art in every way possible. From crayons and markers, to chalk and paint, she could spend her entire day simply creating.
“That’s a good wish. How about we open up your presents after we have cake? There might be a present or two on the table that can help make your wish come true.” Lexi jumps up and down and then runs over to my mom, who is passing out pieces of cake to everyone.
“Damn, Tristan, remember the day that little girl was born?” Mason plops his ass into a chair, cake in hand, and goes to take a bite, ignoring the fact he has a huge fight coming up in a few months.
“Bro, you can’t be eating that shit while you’re training.” I snag the plate of cake out of his hands and sit next to him, successfully taking a huge bite of his cake. “And of course I remember when my daughter was born. How could I forget? It was the best day of my life.”
“Hey, she might be your daughter, but she’s my goddaughter, and that counts twice as much because it’s from God. You just screwed SheWhoShallNotBeNamed. That’s not godly. As a matter of fact, that’s the opposite of godly. Plus, I pretty much named her.”
“You did not name her.” I shake my head, ignoring his comment regarding Lexi’s surrogate, and take another bite of the delicious cake.
“Did so,” Mason argues.
“Did not.” Don’t ask me why I’m even arguing with this guy. He’s a twenty-nine-year-old toddler and I always fall for his shit.
“Did so.”
I watch my daughter, with her face covered in frosting, talking and laughing with her best friend, Micaela. They may live several hours from each other and be nine months apart in age, but since the day they met during our Christmas vacation to Breckenridge, they’ve become best friends, always begging to see each other.
My gaze goes to Bella, Micaela’s mom and one of my oldest and closest friends. She gives me a small smile as she sits on her husband’s lap, a little over six months pregnant with their second child. There was a time when I would have bet my life Bella and I would’ve ended up together, the two of us raising her daughter as a family, but life has a way of working things out the way they should be.
In the end, Bella ended up marrying Micaela’s father, our longtime friend, Marco, and I was blessed with Lexi. The day Micaela was born, I thought my world had come crashing down. Only, I didn’t realize at the time, God had a different plan for me. Lexi was meant to come into my life and I can’t imagine a world without her in it.
Chapter Two
Tristan
Roughly Six Years Ago
I’m lying in my room with my girlfriend, Gina. She’s passed out and I’m watching reruns of That 70’s Show. I watch her chest rise and fall and wonder if maybe I’m in over my head with this girl, if maybe it would be best to accept she isn’t going to change, and walk away. When I first met her at the bar, she was so carefree, and I was immediately drawn to her. She appeared to be completely immune to the world around her, only living in the moment. What I didn’t know at the time was that her carefree attitude was due to the excessive drinking and drug use. She hid both from me at first, but slowly she started showing her true colors. We got into a huge fight about it, and she promised she would slow it down, but that was a lie. It has only gotten worse the last coup
le months.
I’ve asked her to get help, but she tells me she has it under control, says she’s just going through some shit at home. It’s obvious she’s turning to drugs and alcohol as an escape, but she needs help—help I’m not in a place to give her. I don’t know what she’s been through because she won’t open up to me, but when she gets high enough or drunk enough, she’ll let little pieces slip out. I’m worried about her, but I don’t know what to do. I’m a twenty-year-old college student living off a trust fund for God’s sake. I’m watching one of my good friends Marco go through something similar, and I feel helpless.
There’s a knock on the door and Gina stirs, the blanket dragging down enough to reveal her bare ass. I rush out of the room to answer it, so she doesn’t wake up. Last night was rough. She said she was visiting her mom, and then a few hours later, she showed up at my apartment drunk and high and crying. I held her hair back as she threw up until she finally passed out. I don’t know if her issue is with her mom, so I’m hesitant to reach out to her for help, but I’m going to have to do something soon.