by Hannah Gray
“So … Wade. On the other team.” Layla moves closer to me, keeping her voice down. “That’s … him. The reason why you and Weston are no longer … doing whatever it is that you were doing.”
“That’s the one,” I quip back.
I told her about our fight last night. I didn’t really have a choice. When she’d walked into my bedroom after he dropped me off, there I had been. Rocking back and forth on my bed, crying uncontrollably. Like a freaking mad person.
I’d dealt with my share of emotions before. That was for damn sure. But this was different. I felt so discouraged. I wanted to scream. To throw things. I was gritting my teeth so bad that I thought they might break. I knew things weren’t going to be the same, and there was nothing I could do to change that.
“I’m here for you. I hope you know that.” She sets her popcorn down and puts her arm around me. “I know I’m sarcastic and I say the wrong things at the wrong time. I crack a joke in an attempt to lighten the mood—a lousy attempt at that.” She shrugs. “But it’s a tactic of mine. A defense mechanism, I suppose you could say. It’s protected me my whole life—making jokes of stuff. I guess I do it at others’ expense too.” She sighs. “I’m sorry for that. Because, Henley Hayes, I really do care. A whole lot.”
I lazily put the side of my head against hers and exhale a deep breath. “Thank you. And I appreciate your jokes. Even if they are almost always at the wrong time.”
I think each person we meet is put there for a reason. A purpose, if you will. Maybe a good one, maybe bad. But for whatever reason, they end up crossing our path and entering our lives. Layla is a gift the world has given me in the midst of the shit salad it has served. A shit salad that is going to just continue to be tossed with more crappy toppings these next few weeks. I know it is. Weston and I are eventually going to have to talk, and when we do, I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that it isn’t going to go well.
Before, when I went through crap, I’d push everyone I loved away. Besides Dane. We clung to each other after that awful, dreadful night. But I couldn’t bear to be around anyone else. I was afraid I’d infect them with my sorrow. Sucking the life out of them, bringing them down to my level. I didn’t want that. Dane was already at my level. He also ached for a tiny person he hadn’t even gotten to meet. We shared the same tragedy. That made us become best friends. Until he tried for more again and then it just got awkward. And then I had nobody.
Now … I have Layla.
“Last night might have ended badly for you, but don’t disregard all the good. You kicked ass and took names at the meet.” She pretends to pout, releasing me from her hold. “Made me look bad too.”
“I did not.” I poke her arm. “You’re one to talk. You weren’t far behind me.”
She rolls her eyes. “Oh, I was quite a ways behind. But that’s a nice attempt to soften the blow of my failures.”
She’s being sarcastic—I know she is. She did really good. She got second place in one event and third in another. And her times were impressive.
I see the game is about to begin, so reluctantly, I stand. “Guess I’d better go back to my parents. And Weston’s …” I grimace. “Woohoo.”
“Wedged between your parents and the ones who could have been your in-laws?” She snorts. “Twice, that is. Dane and Weston.”
I flick her off and shake my head. “You’re the worst!”
She relaxes in her seat and shrugs. “Eh, I’ve been called worse.” She waves me away. “Go, try to make the best of it. Then, later, I want all the details.”
The game is a few minutes in, and I’m on the edge of my seat—literally. Sometimes, I even have to remind myself to breathe. I actually start feeling light-headed and remember I’m holding my dang breath.
This is normal. It’s all normal. And fine … it’s so going to be fine.
If they lose today, I’ll blame myself. Because Weston’s head wasn’t in the game, and that’ll be on me. Well, and his brother.
I’m rooting for Weston so hard. And not just because it’s Brooks, but also for the fact that I want this for him. I know how crucial it is for them to do well the remainder of the season. He deserves the win.
I look over at Angela and Wyatt. Wondering how weird it is to have to cheer for both teams. It’s a lose-lose situation for them.
I smiled when I saw their jerseys. Angela has one with Dane’s number on the back, and Wyatt is wearing one for Weston. Their sons’ whole lives, that’s how they’ve had to do it to make them both know they were special.
Cole Storms calls a time-out, and Angela turns toward me. “Weston seemed so happy yesterday at your swim meet. And at dinner.” Her face falls. “Well, until …”
“Yeah. I know,” I groan. “Thanks again for coming out here. Means a lot to all of us.”
She side-hugs me tightly. “Henley, I wouldn’t have missed it. For you or my boys.” Her words hurt my heart. “I don’t know what happened, but I’m so glad that we got you back.” Tears well in her eyes. “I was so scared. We all were. And Weston, he’s probably the happiest to have you back. He loves you, my dear. He loves you so much.”
Now, it’s my eyes filling with tears, making my sight blurry. I wipe my face with my sleeves, attempting to hide the evidence. Which, clearly, is a lame attempt because they instantly fill back up.
“I’m not so sure about that, Auntie.”
She isn’t really my auntie.
Thank God for that. Then, I’d be related to her kids. Gross.
But I’ve always called them my aunt and uncle because they’ve been around since I was born.
“I … messed up.” I sniffle. “I’m really sorry for the rift I caused with the boys. That’s the last thing I ever wanted.”
She reaches over and wipes my cheek. “Henley, baby, I know that. We all know that.” She laughs sadly. “You know when you all were younger, we knew it was going to be trouble. Us having twin boys. And your parents just having one beautiful, smart, funny, perfect girl.”
“Why?”
“Because, honey, we knew you were going to be a heartbreaker. And we knew, raising you all so close, both boys would probably be quite fond of you.” She smiles, her eyes creasing at the sides. “But Weston …” She shakes her head. “Now, that boy, if you got ten feet away from him, he’d pitch a fit. When your parents took you on that trip to Maine when you were little to visit friends of theirs from college, boy … that child was a nightmare to deal with that week.”
I hang on to every word she says. Needing to hear them even though, in the end, it won’t make a difference in my fate with her son. “Really?”
Her face grows serious. And even though the game has started again, I need to hear what she says. And I think just as badly, she needs to tell me.
“You are his first love. But more than that, Henley, you’ll be his last too. I know my boys. And I know you feel bad. But for Weston, you are all he sees.”
Without meaning to, she shatters my heart into a million pieces. Because while that might be true, he might not be able to forgive me for what I did. He might not be able to look at me the same. And even if he wanted me to, I’d never hate Dane. He was there for me in the darkest of days. Even if he was only there to fill a void.
It hits me that she didn’t mention Dane.
“And … Dane?” I swallow. “He’ll find someone.” I wipe my eyes again. “I hope he does. He deserves it.”
“He will. Sometimes, we think we know what the heart wants. When, really, we don’t.” She releases me, patting my shoulder. “Give it all time, Henley. It will all work out. I promise.”
I turn my attention back onto the field. Watching as Brooks scores their second touchdown. Florida hasn’t scored one yet at all.
My eyes find Weston, and for the rest of the game, that’s where they remain. He doesn’t look up in the stands. Not once. But I know he knows that I’m here. And I guess for now, that’s enough for me.
twenty-nine
Weston
“Hell yeah, brother!” Knox leaps into the air at me, smashing his chest and helmet against mine, full force. “You played a hell of a game. I did too, of course.”
I laugh at his modesty. “Yeah, I suppose you did.” I smack the top of his helmet. “Let’s celebrate tonight, ol’ boy. We’re getting fucked up.”
We beat Florida twenty-seven to twenty-four. It was close. But we came out with the win, and that’s really all that matters.
“Yeahhh, buddy!” he cheers with excitement. “I’ll tell Cole.”
None of us have been that much fun lately. The two of them have been too busy with their girlfriends. And I guess I’ve been busy, having Henley any way I could get her. But that’s over now. Now, I can live my life.
I see Dane stalking toward me. And as much as I want to turn and walk away, he’s my brother. And our parents are likely watching.
“Good game, man.” He stops in front of me. “Hell of a quarterback you guys got.”
I look at him. And even though I want to, I just can’t be back in the place we were before I left for that godforsaken football camp. But this isn’t the time or place to settle our shit.
“Yeah, thanks. You too,” I say, looking across the field. Afraid that if I look into his eyes or he gets a smug I fucked her first look on his face, I’ll level him right here.
“Are things ever going to be normal again? I’m over this shit. Aren’t you?”
Now, I do look at him. I hold his gaze, and it’s all I can do not to reach out and fist his jersey. “You’re the one who fucked my girl the second I wasn’t around. And then, when I came back, you were shoved so far up her ass that you didn’t even come around me.” The veins bulge in my neck as I stare at the one person who was supposed to have my back. “You did this, Dane. Remember that.”
As I turn and walk away, I pray to hell my parents can’t see me or my body language. Because right now, I’m so pissed off that I’m sure they can read me like a book.
“She told you,” he calls from behind me. And when I stop, I hear him walk behind me. “She told you what happened?”
“Oh yeah. She told me everything”—I grit my teeth—“after you pulled that shit at dinner last night.” I turn. “Thank you for that, by the way. We were finally getting back to fucking normal. Till you showed up.”
“So, you would rather not have known then?” He narrows his eyes. “I’m sorry. I really am.” He talks with his hands, just like he always has since we were kids. “I just thought you were playing her. That’s all. And then when she was sad … I—”
“Wasted no time in taking advantage of her,” I finish his sentence. “Prick.”
He shakes his head. “No. Fuck that because that isn’t how it went down. At all.” He sighs. “Weston, damn it, would you just listen? We were drunk. It was stupid. And after, we didn’t even talk for a while.” His face pales, and his eyes seem to travel somewhere else. “But then, when she … when we … lost it … it just brought us together. In some fucked up way. We needed each other to get through it.” A bitter laugh bubbles from his mouth. “And then I ruined that with my big mouth, and now, shit’s even more awkward between us than ever.”
“Lost what?” I say, confused.
“The baby.” He sounds frustrated, but then his eyes widen when he looks at the shock that must be written on my face. “Wait, you didn’t know that part? You said she told you everything.”
“A baby?” I feel like I’m going to puke as the words leave my mouth. “She was …”
“Pregnant,” he mutters. “But right before school started, she … I took her to the hospital. There was so much blood.” My brother’s eyes grow misty. “I thought she was going to die when I found her. We never told anybody. And it changed both of us.” He shakes his head once. “But Henley … she really took it hard. She went off the deep end, as you saw.”
We stand there. Unsure of what to say. Or how to even feel.
The nausea in my stomach grows with every passing moment. It all seems like a sick joke the universe is playing on me. It’s a tragic thing. And it connected them deeper than I ever thought they were connected.
“I’m sorry you went through that,” I say, and he lifts his head up. “I don’t wish that on anyone.” I pause. “But, Dane, you’re my brother. And even if you heard I was fucking around with other girls, you shouldn’t have hooked up with the one person you knew I fucking loved.” I try to steady my breathing. “We’re fucking brothers. Twins, for fuck’s sake.” I take a step back. “I, uh … I gotta go.”
And as I walk off, I realize something.
Maybe I don’t know Henley at all. Maybe I never did.
Henley
Both our parents head back home after the game. And even though I feel guilty about feeling this way, I’m thankful they left. I don’t think I could have sat through another dinner. And I know I couldn’t have faced Weston without falling apart and looking like the basket case that I am.
So, now … I’m just sitting in the coffee shop on campus. Looking at a crappy magazine and drinking iced coffee. Too much iced coffee for this late in the day. But, damn, it tastes good, going down.
What I really want is Weston. And if I can’t have that, then I want endless shots of liquor poured down my throat. And possibly a hit off a joint or two. But since I can’t have those things either, I’m here. Avoiding any and all people. And openly feeling sorry for myself.
“We close in five minutes,” a girl says, wiping the table next to me. “I’m sorry.”
I look at the clock on the wall and gather my things. “Crap. I’m so sorry. Guess I lost track of time.”
“It’s okay.” She smiles. “Have a nice night.”
“You too.” I head to the counter and put a twenty-dollar bill in the tip jar before walking outside.
The air is cooler now, and it feels nice. For once, I draw in a deep breath before releasing it. I read deep breaths can clear your body and mind. Relaxing you. I’m calling bullshit on that because I feel cleared of nothing. But, hey, I tried.
The walk home is short. And part of me debates on walking farther, just to avoid going home at all. But as I round the corner by the sorority house, I see Weston sitting on the porch, his forearms on his legs, and he’s looking at the ground. A glimmer of hope flutters in my stomach, but when I get closer and he looks up, that dies out.
His eyes don’t drink me in like they usually do. And his face looks … different. I sit on the other side of the step he’s on. Being sure to give him his space.
“You shouldn’t walk at night,” he says cuttingly into the dark night. “It’s not safe.”
“I only walked from the coffee shop,” I say nervously. Something I’m not used to when talking to him. “So, not very far.”
He’s quiet for a moment as he stares at the ground in front of us. “I talked to Dane. After the game.”
“That’s good. I’m glad.” I turn my body toward him. The moon shines on his face, showing me he doesn’t look happy about this. “Or maybe not?”
“You were pregnant.”
The words hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t think anyone has ever said that out loud. Why would they? It’s always been my and Dane’s secret. And neither of us wanted to talk about it once it happened.
“Yes,” I whisper. Not knowing if my voice is capable of saying anything else.
“With Dane’s baby.” I hear the pain in his voice. And even though I can’t, I wish I could take it away.
“Yes.”
As he looks at me, his eyes look broken and defeated. Much like how I feel right now. And how I felt in that moment in the hospital.
“I’m sorry you went through that. And in some fucked up way, I wish I could have been there. For you.”
I know he’s going to say something bad. I can feel it.
“Henley … I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. It’s too much. It’s too fucking much.” He wipes his eyes with the back of his
hand. “I can look past a lot of shit. But this?” He shakes his head. “There’s no coming back from this one.”
My heart feels like someone is taking a knife to it. Stabbing it repeatedly. And I can’t breathe.
As a last-ditch effort, I remind him of everything he promised. If I can make him see he vowed these things, maybe he’ll change his mind.
“You promised.” My voice breaks. “You promised you’d never leave me. You can’t break that promise. Please, Weston. Don’t,” I cry. “Please, don’t give up on me. I love you.”
I love you more than I’ve ever loved myself.
And I know … that right there … is a problem.
Weston
Her hard exterior shatters. I’m breaking someone who I’ve learned has already suffered so much pain. Pain I knew nothing about until tonight. And now, I’m about to cause her more. I hate that. I fucking despise the thought of it.
I wring my hands together so that I don’t reach out and touch her. I need to be cold. I need to end this. Even if it isn’t what I want, it’s what has to be done. We’re never going to be together. She was never mine to keep.
“When I said that, I guess I didn’t think about it fully. And maybe in the back of my mind, I always wondered if you guys ever had …” I want to puke, just thinking about the words. “I can’t get over this, Henley. From here on out, if we stayed together, every holiday, family function, anytime that cocky fuck came within ten feet of us, it would be on my mind. And I’d want to beat the shit out of him. And pick a fight with you.” I stand up. “It would never work.”
“Please,” she whispers. “Don’t.”
My heart breaks as I look at her. “I’m done chasing you now, Henley. Run as fast as you want. Do your worst. I won’t be there to pick up the pieces.”
I watch as she crumbles. And even though I’m hurting because of what she did, the sight gives me no satisfaction. In fact, it fucking sucks.