by L.A.A. Law
Chapter Seven – A Late Night
Compelled by his grief, I reach out, he moves out of my reach. Shifting my hands, I pick up my cup and take a sip. “I know what it’s like to feel helpless, to see someone whom you are afraid that you can’t save no matter what you do.”
He lifts his angelic face, devastation darkens his perfect features. His desolation overwhelms me. I cup my hands around his free hand, not giving him the opportunity to take it away. It is ice cold. Panic fills his eyes. I can’t understand how his hand is so cold after being inside. He tenses under my touch, trying to edge out from under my grip. I cup it tighter. As cold as it feels, holding his hand sends warm sensations down my spine; my heart thrums loudly in my ears. I fight my rising desire. I want to help him, allow him to connect to me, talk to me. “I know you’re afraid when Alex leaves she will be successful in her next suicide attempt and worry that she is neglecting Max, even when she’s with him. I can see that you are taking it on yourself as to what happens to them because you were treating Amber, but you have to realize that you did all you could for her and Eva will help Alex see that Max needs her, especially now.”
His eyes soften. “You are very perceptive. You sound like a psychiatrist.” He chuckles softly at his own attempted humor.
I roll my eyes, trying to lighten his mood. “Very funny, you missed your calling; maybe you should have tried comedy. It works, his features brighten and I can feel his hand relax. “Seriously, would you like me to go and help Eva with Alex and Max so that you can catch some sleep? You look like you haven’t slept in days.”
He chuckles as if I am missing a joke. “Eva is with Alex and Gabriel is camping in William’s studio with Max and his dad.”
Looking into sorrowful his eyes, I could only imagine the toll it must take on him to know every day that he is fighting a losing battle and having to hide his own despair in order to alleviate his patients’ fears and the pain suffered by surviving family members. I’m in awe. His strength of character makes the person he is on the inside even more extraordinary than the unflawed person on the outside. “How do you deal with the loss and grief stricken families every day?”
He withdraws his hand, bringing his long steeple fingers just under his chin, his voice turns soulful. “I hold on to the comfort we bring those who would otherwise be alone. At least here, the patients are still living instead of just existing so that despair doesn’t darken their final days to endanger their passage to the next plane. Doing this brings some small purpose to even my existence.” He shocks me by the way he spits out “existence.” He sounds like me, doubtful and full of self-loathing.
I feel the long day. My eyes flutter and despite being intrigued by his profound words, my mind drifts. Our earlier unpleasant encounter flashes before me. It’s strange, but on some level, I realize I’m dreaming. Once again, I am standing before an angry Andrew, but this time I notice something is not right; his hair is blonde and his eyes are as dark as a moonless night. The image is all wrong, but then, he is gone and I am alone in my thoughts. Neither his physical changes nor his diametrically opposed attitudes make any sense. I awake in my bed with a cool compress on my head. My leg throbs. As I look toward the clock, it’s 4:15 a.m. Hearing a noise, I rise. Reaching the archway, Andrew turns. His eyes sparkle and are a paler blue than his shirt. Maybe I am going crazy. His eyes meet my appraising eyes. I want to look away, but his hypnotic stare bewitches my very soul. I cannot tear my eyes from his. I feel drawn to him. A soft caress glides up my arm awakening my senses, but his hands are by his side.
His eyes widen and he shakes his head making me wonder if he feels it too. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine, sorry I fell asleep on you.”
“Don’t be, I shouldn’t have kept you up with my bombastic declamation.”
“I enjoyed our talk. You’re a fascinating physician with insight unlike anyone I have ever met.” Not wanting my mind to wander further down a path it should not go, I keep talking. “How did I get in my room?”
He fidgets. “I carried you. I hope you don’t mind, but you looked so uncomfortable.” His eyes shift to the floor. “I tried to wake you, your forehead felt too warm so I gave you two aspirins and put you to bed. I just came back to check on you. I’m sorry I woke you.”
Mortified that he cared for me yet again, I mumble. “You should have just left me on the couch; I already caused you enough trouble in the loft.”
“You are no trouble at all.”
I gasp as I realize, “You lost another night’s sleep because of me.”
“I don’t need a lot of sleep, I just rejuvenated.” He mutters more to himself.
Not truly understanding what he means, I’m concerned for his wellbeing. “You should get some rest. I can check with your staff before going to take Eva’s rounds.”
A small sigh escapes his perfectly sculpted lips. “I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I’m fine and you should try not to aggravate the leg. Sit and I’ll get your breakfast.”
Feeling guilty enough I shake my head. “I’ll just take a shower. You don’t have to get my breakfast. I know you’re probably doing it because you feel bad about your reaction to my spilling coffee on you yesterday but don’t even think about it, I know how stressed you were. I’d rather see you go and rest.”
His features turn grave. His tone becomes alarmed. “What incident?” He stares at me uncomprehendingly.
I become concerned that his sleep deprivation is causing him to repress irrational behavior. “Andrew, I’m talking about you getting upset in the psychiatric kitchenette when I spilled coffee on you.”
His body turns rigid as his eyes search mine.
“Andrew, you should rest. Let someone else deal with our patients today.”
His eyes darken. “Excuse me, I have to go!” He flies past me at inhuman speed.
I cannot reconcile the calm profound person of last evening with this anxious person. Fearing further irrational behavior, I dress and rush to find Gabriel.
Heading toward the loft, I wonder whether we would have spoken more if I hadn’t mentioned yesterday. Last night, despite his despair, it felt so natural and wonderful to talk with him. I shake my head, knowing where my thoughts are heading. Chastising myself, I have no right being attracted to someone who does not belong on this worldly plane. His profound understanding of human needs and exquisite beauty are beyond any human’s hemisphere and definitely out of my reach. He could never be interested in someone who has thrown away so many opportunities, as my parents love to remind me, someone who tanked the lessons of her entire upbringing and is downright ungrateful, as my sister loves to point out. How could he ever be interested in someone like me? My internal voice screams. “Focus!” I hurry upstairs, but Gabriel is nowhere to be found.
Turning to leave, I hear faint voices. Moving toward them, I hear Andrew’s tension filled tone. “Why didn’t you tell me what happened between her and Nicholas? Don’t you think I should know when he’s aggravated? You know how dangerous it can be? I could feel the change in me, the unbridled rage! I thought he had taken another good soul. I never dreamt it was because he discovered her. Who was with her when it happened? Please tell me there was someone there to protect her if he broke our truce” He pleads.
Gabriel responds authoritatively. “She was never in danger. I was with her and got no indication he would break the truce. He removed himself. You knew this would happen once he found out they were unsuccessful.”
Andrew sounds desperate. “I need to find him. He’s immersed in an undercurrent of rage and conflict. He is never more dangerous than when he is undecided! Tell me where he is, please.”
“He’s hunting and you need to step back. You’re emotionally involved. We are walking a very fine line and could be said to have interfered when you saved her!”
The growling response that comes next startles me. “She was entering the grounds!”
Gabriel’s voice does not
waiver. “Let him alone! Don’t even try to offset him now. Not that I’m condoning offsetting the balance, but you need to let us take care of it and let him calm down. You know Nicholas has always been the most unstable with this armistice and believes if we can give him what he wants more, he will free us all.”
“He’s wrong! Even if we were to give him something he wants, we’ll still become his soldiers! You know that he believes we belong to him because he created her by his direct interventions and we are her children. You know what he wants most is us serving beside him! He believes that our half-breed status will help him become powerful on this plane.”
“Andrew, you need to trust me and regain your perspective. You led us this far and the others are coming around, but if you go head to head with Nicholas now, we will lose them and could start fighting again! You spend time with her, but don’t do anything rash. Do you understand?” His warning is quite clear.
Sensing the argument is over, I rush toward the stairs, make it halfway down before hearing someone approach. I turn to make it appear that I am heading upstairs.
It’s Gabriel, his face impassive. “Good morning, how are you?” His eyes turn alarmed as he ensnares my arm. “Come with me.” His touch is cold as he practically lifts me by my elbow. Faster than humanly possible, we are down the second flight of stairs, past the foyer and out behind the manor hidden by trees. “You heard us arguing. How much did you hear?”
I stutter. “It had to do with me!” I mistakenly shout. I don’t want to anger a superior and despite the secrecy surrounding this place and these extraordinary, beautiful people, this is the first place I ever felt as if I belonged. It’s like coming home after a long journey, but to no home that I ever envisioned. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. I came to find you because Andrew was upset and I wanted to help. I could see the stress overwhelming him. I’m sorry I overheard you, but since it involves me, don’t you think that I should know what is going on? I know Andrew and your sisters saved me after my accident, yet no one wants me to know that!”
Gabriel’s eyes turn unfathomable. He’s motionless.
My anxious stomach churns. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cause you trouble. I know I was in bad shape, I even thought I died!” Regretting saying too much immediately… “I was going to keep quiet like you asked.” I could feel my rising hysteria.
Gabriel’s unexpected embrace feels like a winter storm encircling me, surprising me, but I do not pull away. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. I know you have seen and heard unexplainable things, but I am not at liberty to enlighten you.” His tone is urgent and contrite. “I know I’m not in a position to ask you to trust me, but that is exactly what I need you to do. It is essential you don’t pursue this now!”
Despite confirming my suspicions, as my eyes meet his pleading eyes, I find I do trust him and wish he could trust me enough to explain what is going on. As I consider his words, maybe I need to get the answers from someone else. “Who can tell me then?”
Gabriel lifts me by my elbow and rushes us further into the trees.
“Where are we going?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t want Andrew to find you yet.”
He’s looking for me. My heart accelerates. This is not good. The quickest way to complicate this haven is to get involved with a superior. “Please tell me who can give me the answers.” I plead.
“Only Andrew can tell you, but his perceptions are clouded. He needs time to weigh the consequences. Please you cannot push him now.” Panic fills his voice. “If you push him for answers now, I sense disaster! Please forget about what you heard. Do your job and don’t pursue this. I can’t even begin to explain the magnitude of what is riding upon your actions.” I can hear his desperation.
Gabriel’s eyes plead with mine as Andrew approaches. “What are you doing here?” He scrutinizes our faces.
I need answers, but Gabriel’s sincere pleas, the years of Eva encouraging me, despite my follies, and Andrew’s profound words last evening assure me that they are not bad. They are hiding helping me. I don’t know them well, but I find myself wanting to protect them, as they protected me when I was vulnerable. My eyes shift down as I mutter. “I wanted to talk to Gabriel. I’m worried that all the stress you endured lately is wearing on you.”
“You had to come out here to do that?” He eyes us suspiciously.
Stuttering, “I didn’t want to make waves. I…”
Gabriel interrupts. “She’s concerned for you, but you’re her employer.” He states as if that says it all. He looks at Andrew squarely. “You remember what it’s like to be new somewhere. You have been under considerable stress the last few days, take today off at least and then I’ll back off.”
“Fine, I’ll take Max hiking and you see my patients.” He responds begrudgingly as we head back.
Gabriel turns to me. “Are you alright taking Eva’s patients?”
“I can handle them. In fact, I’ll start with Teri, she’s probably swimming.”
Reaching Sanctuary, Andrew’s mood lightens. “Since I’ve been rendered unnecessary, I’ll go hiking.” He winks at me before leaving.
I can’t help but smile. “Thank you” Gabriel says relieved.
As twilight falls, I head toward William’s studio. I stand awestruck as my eyes stare at the palest, most beautiful faces ever to grace a canvas, right down to the heavenly glint in their sparkling, blue eyes. I recognize, Andrew, Eva, Gabriel, Catherine and Jackson immediately. The individuals behind them are also beautiful, but their eyes are darker; in them I find one of my answers. Behind Andrew stands a blonde man with identical facial features, but maniacal, thunderstorm gray eyes.
William turns. “Do you like it? I’m hoping to give it to Eva at Christmas as a thank you.”
“William your ability to bring realism to your subjects is unparalleled.” I compliment breathlessly.
He smiles. “Do you think Eva will enjoy it as much as you do?”
“She raves about your paintings. Who is in the back row?”
“That’s Francis, Damian who’s Serena’s husband, Nicholas, Jonathan and his wife, Lucy.” He points at each.
Hearing approaching footsteps, William hurriedly covers the painting. It’s the man William just identified as Damian.
“Hello, I’m Mia. I just joined Eva’s staff.” I put out my hand, but he does not shake it and I let it fall.
“I didn’t know anyone was still here, I was asked to prepare the space for two camping guests.” He responds coldly.
“I was just waiting for Jackson” William states anxiously.
“He’s downstairs.”
“I’ll just put my paintings away and meet him.”
Helping William, his anxiety is apparent. “William, are you alright?”
Jackson is on the stairs. “Damian and that bunch are…” He stutters. “They are very unpleasant, be careful of them doc ok!”
“Would you like me to walk you back so we can talk?”
“No, that’s o.k.”
Outside, the weather is pleasant. Sitting on the bench, I gaze at the shimmering stars. A loud howling rips through the tranquil silence. I shiver.
“Don’t worry. It is actually far off.” Andrew states softly. “May I join you?”
His eyes sparkle. The moon’s reflection makes his angelic features even more brilliant. “Please, I’m just enjoying the night air.”
He sits so close, my pulse races as the back of his hand inadvertently brushes mine.
“You may enjoy our air, but our nature gives you quite a fright.” He chuckles. “Didn’t you see any animals in Minnesota?”
He relaxes, leaning back on the bench, awaiting my answer. I can’t peel my eyes from his perfection, chiseled features, broad shoulders... My thoughts interrupted as he catches my apprising eyes.
“Did you see a cat while there that caught your tongue?” His tone is amused, but his features hold something unreadab
le. “We could just sit here, but I would love to hear how you came to our establishment. No one comes without an interesting story.” His eyes rage with curiosity.
Ashamed of how I really came here, I drop my eyes. “Eva hired me.”
His gaze doesn’t waiver. “No one comes this far because they want to, this is more of a place to realign your life and escape others’ control.” His tone sounds sincere.
“You are insightful.” I retort.
“I have been told that.” His smile melts my heart. My mind wanders to places it should not go.
“My story is not interesting.” I can hear the self-loathing in my voice. Looking into his eyes, I cannot stop the words from flowing. “The self-pitying rich girl whose thrown away every opportunity because of my rebellious pride and unwillingness to follow the proper path. I set a course for destruction and after finally imploding; I was given a second chance by an angel to seek redemption. So here I am.”
Horrified by my own words, I wish the ground would swallow me up. He seems amused by my rant. “So my sister is that angel. She will be quite happy to know someone thinks of her that way.”
“Please don’t say anything. She’ll think I’m stealing a line from her patients. Do you know they all believe in dark forces and angels?” I stop myself. “Of course you know. I’m sorry, sometimes, I go off on tangents.”
“Mia, Eva thinks very highly of you and I know from what she has shared with me that you are not some spoiled child who thoughtlessly threw away opportunities!” His hand moves toward my cheek and then drops with a thud onto the back of the bench; his eyes blaze. “I know what it’s like when someone forces a lifestyle that doesn’t fit upon you. It pushes you down a tumultuous path that you feel the need to fight against and it is only natural that you are going to fall.” His voice is somber. I know he is speaking from personal experience. “Even the most determined people who choose their path fall. So how could you expect any less of yourself when your course goes against your very nature? You are far too critical of yourself. I find that our compassion sometimes comes from life’s hardest journeys and the desire to keep others from taking that road. From what I have observed, any bright individual can be taught to deal with tangible ailments, but only someone like you with a special gift to truly listen can treat the unseen afflictions of the complicated psyche.” A forlorn expression flits across his face as his eyes meet mine.
His stare intensifies as if he’s looking beyond my self-doubt to see the person I desire to become. Although his words inflame my hopes that one day I will become a worthy person who helps others instead of always disappointing them, they are not enough to beat back my guilt of disappointing my family and my failure to save those who needed me. Sorrow overwhelms my heart. My self-control wanes as tears prick my eyes. Rising quickly to leave, his hand grasps mine. His smooth, cold touch electrifies my heart. In that moment of distraction, all concentration is lost and a sob escapes my lips.
He rises. His cool index finger lifts my chin forcing my eyes to meet his. “Please sit. I find crying is a great relief mechanism.” Fighting to regain my composure, I concentrate on the sensation of his thumb rubbing small circles into my palm.
His voice is impassioned, “Mia, tell me what brought you here, I know it would help you move past your insecurities. I see the potential in you, your pureness of heart, but I know other’s perceptions impinged upon your growth. Please trust me enough to open up.”
Concern resonates through his features, tearing down the walls I spent years building up just so I could function. Gently pulling me to his side as he sits, I become keenly aware of the coolness radiating from him, but am not cold. My inner voice assuring me that speaking to him would be a mistake loses out as I peer into his soulful eyes and feel my resolve disappear. My mouth again betrays me, allowing my thoughts to escape. “I ran here in hopes of finding something redeeming within myself to justify my choices. I want to help people and vindicate my taking a different path, but I’m just fooling myself. You don’t know the type of person I am and when you get to know me, you’ll see that I’m selfish.” I try to rip my hand from his to cover my face, but he grasps it tight. I cringe as my words continue to flow. “I’ve disappointed everyone I love! They called in every favor after my follies and I couldn’t rise to the occasion. I grew up thinking I spent my life in my siblings’ shadows, but really they followed the right path and are saving lives now, while I willed myself into mediocrity and failure!” My inner voice pleads with me to stop before he comes to realize I should be a patient here, not a physician, but the floods gates refuse to close. “Then came the day of the train crash, I was assigned to help a doctor save a life. I believed she couldn’t be saved and wanted her to know she wasn’t alone. Maybe if I behaved more like a doctor, she would have gotten to see her parents again! I should have…”
He drops my hand. He now sees my true character, that of a selfish, self-destructive individual. I fear looking into his soulful eyes and once again seeing someone’s incontestable disappointment staring back at me. Closing my eyes, I offer up a prayer hoping he will keep my confidence so that I could stay. Wrenching my eyes open, I compel myself to look at him, get it over with, but his eyes are closed. Compelling myself to leave, I shift forward, but freeze at seeing his now pained expression. His eyes fly open, staring into mine, searching for answers to unspoken questions. Ashamed, I instantly look down. Hesitantly this time, he grasps my chin, forcing my face to meet his. My heart is a sonic boom.
“For one so young, you carry around the guilt of a hundred lifetimes.” His features reveal a depth of compassion well beyond his years. “No one should be made to feel that way. Please tell me that somewhere inside yourself you do not believe everything that you just expressed!” His anguished tone and mesmerizing eyes compel me to answer.
My voice cracks. “I don’t know what I feel anymore. I want to believe that my upbringing is the cause for my inabilities, but my childhood was not awful. My parents are astounding physicians who fought to instill in me their expertise. My siblings embraced this opportunity while I fought against it and as a result…” My hands fly up to my face, “I’m lost!”
Hoisting myself from the bench, knowing how much damage my rant has caused, I compel myself forward. Catching me, his icy embrace sends my pulse racing wildly. His fervent voice rings out. “Mia, you are not lost, you’re home! You have to realize how special you are.” He pleads. “Your desire to connect with that girl is not what killed her; it assured her she would not die alone. As doctors we detach ourselves, but sometimes what patients really need is to know that they matter.”
Releasing me, he grasps my hand, leading me to another bench. “You see firsthand how events can shape someone’s life. Look at the patients here,” his tone turns hypnotic.
I interrupt. “These patients suffered traumatic events, I shouldn’t complain.”
His head shakes infinitesimally. “It is not just traumatic events that shape our lives, sometimes, especially when we’re young, recurring events impinge upon our character and distort our perceptions. I believe that is what happened to you. You spent your childhood fighting against choices that fit your personality, but which you perceived brought great disappointment. As you grew, your self-loathing isolated you but what you may not realize is that it also spawned you on to help others overcome their psychological inhibitions. You need to realize that your parents’ blinders are what truly forestalls them from seeing how wonderful you really are.” Unexpectedly, he leans down, his lips gently and swiftly kiss my forehead. Leaning back, his eyes are pained, but his features are unreadable. “You have a beautiful soul, don’t ever forget that!” His eyes shift up toward the treetops, his voice turns formal. “I should let you get dinner and I have to see a patient.” Hesitantly, he rises, but then strolls away.
Despite his kiss being that of a father comforting a hurt child, my heart skips a beat. I want this Greek god. Stop, after what you revealed h
e’ll probably commit you to a course of intense therapy.
My heart sinks at the thought as I enter the residency. Eva is on the stairs.
“How is Alex?”
Her wearied expression says it all. “I’m concerned she’ll do something rash when she leaves.”
Placing my hand on her shoulder, I realize the same cold radiates from her as well. “What can I do to help?” She doesn’t respond. “Don’t worry about your other patients, Jackson and I have everything under control. Congratulations by the way, I didn’t realize you got married.”
“We married up here.”
“He seems very nice.”
He’s a real angel.” She stifles a giggle, her tone turning serious. “I’m sorry to start you like this.”
“Don’t worry about anything.”
Showering before updating the records, I hear a knock. Pulling on my robe, figuring Eva needs to convey last minute instructions for tomorrow, I hurry to the door. Aware of my attire, I flush as I stand before Andrew.
His eyes flare. I feel electricity charging between us and for the briefest of moments I am overwhelmed with the feeling of strong hands wrapping around my waist pulling me against a chiseled chest and into an ardent embrace. Before I can dwell on this sensation, his head shakes infinitesimally and his eyes shift behind me. The feeling vanishes as he mutters embarrassed. “I’m sorry for interrupting your shower.”
“I was just changing before updating the files. Come in, I’ll just be a moment.”
Returning, he stares up at me from the couch, his features impassive. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your evening. I just came to see if you’re alright.” His tone cannot hide his concern.
Knowing I revealed too much, my tone turns petulant. “You must think I need as much help as some of the patients here.”
“Mia, I believe you have a great gift. You connect with people realizing what they need, even when others don’t. You just need to become more comfortable with your intuition.” His hand moves toward me but recoils quickly. Distracted, he rises. “I should let you get to work. I have to see Gabriel.”
Completing my work, I email my mother. Mom, I’m sorry for everything. Thank you for always trying. Mia
Before crawling into bed, I open the window, and catch a glimpse of lights moving swiftly through the trees. Staring, they are like nothing I have seen before, a burnt sienna light quickly followed by two golden lights. A menacing howl from deep within the trees rips through the peaceful silence and the lights vanish.
Nicholas menacingly encroaches upon me, sharp teeth bared, enraged midnight eyes, backing me into the wall. Closing my eyes, not wanting to see my impending demise, I push my back into the wall. Someone’s back is against my front, my eyes fly open. Andrew is standing before me, his arms pushing against Nicholas, my heart beats wildly. The disturbing image before me shifts, Gabriel is moving at incomprehensible speed, whisking me into the woods. I somehow realize I am dreaming as my mind races seeing the glow surrounding them as they appear before me after my accident and seeing how Andrew’s eyes seem to change, sometimes reflecting the heavens. My mind shifts again as I stand before William’s painting, the images no longer static; they are fighting; sparks emanate from their aggravated embraces. None of the images make sense and how do they connect to the strange lights and howling. My raging thoughts force me awake. The clock reads 2:30. My mind races with images of fighting figures. Rising, I head over to take another look at the family portrait, wondering what about that portrait my dreams are trying to reveal.