by L.A.A. Law
Chapter Fourteen – New York On New Year’s Eve
Closing the door, I move toward the windows, once again looking out unseeing. Dazed by the whirlwind of emotions, I try to untangle my thoughts surrounding all that has happened in less than twenty-four hours. I am frightened for my mother, comforted she has her mother, shocked at David’s revelation of how he feels about me and nervous about what he has done, if Katrina finds out, will there be more problems? Yes my subconscious screams at me, but this is the least of my problems. I need to figure out how to talk to my mother about what she wants, without going through my father.
Unsure of how long I stood there in my pool of tension considering what I need to do next, Andrew’s cool hands massage my shoulders pulling me from my introspection. I shiver as my body tingles with desire, I want to crush myself to his chest and take refuge in his heavenly scent, but cannot compound an already confusing day. He has given me so much already and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. It’s rather ironic but I consider him my personal guardian angel.
“It has been quite a trip so far.” He comments solemnly. “What can I do to help?”
Leaning back into his chest, he wraps his arms around my waist and I feel solace in his embrace. I don’t ever want him to let go. “You have already done so much. I’m just grateful you’re here.”
He maneuvers me around to face him. “You never have to worry. I will always be here, whenever you need me.” His tone is reassuring as his arctic hands skim up the sides of my torso and neck until they rest on each side of my face. My heart pounds uncontrollably, heated blood courses through my veins as his face liens down toward mine. I am sure he is going to kiss me, I need him to kiss me, but as pain flickers in his eyes, his perfect lips brush the tip of my nose. “Always” He repeats his tone now somber. I feel flushed knowing that my reaction has probably embarrassed him, but looking up, his expression is indecipherable.
Closing my eyes, I concentrate on slowing my breathing. He strokes my back trying to sooth me, but instead his touch flames my desire, ignites my need. I am overcome. My overheated blood burns away all reason and my hands move swiftly from his waist to his face. Grasping his chiseled cheeks firmly, I stretch, crushing my lips to his. My desperation to cling to him catches him off guard or maybe it’s his own desire. Suddenly his strong arms tighten around me, pulling me closer. I feel each sinew of his muscular arms flexing around me, his perfectly chiseled body pressed to mine, as his cool lips possess mine, my body reveling in his returning passion. I can’t breathe. My pounding heart is a sonic boom in my ears. Heat courses through my veins, energizing my grip, refusing to let him go. My subconscious has been dealing with the surreal for too long. All of a sudden, I have an angel and devil on my shoulders, each arguing and screaming their own mantras. The angel boisterously repeats - You are ruining everything, let him go, now, while the devil’s shouts drown her out – Keep going, he wants you. I am vaguely aware that he breaks from his mantra to validate his position. You have already ruined everything even if you stop, so you might as well get as much out of it as you can. A memory to keep you warm in your solitary desolation.
My distraction dissipates and I realize his arms are no longer holding me tight and his lips have ceased moving with mine, but still I cannot seem to tear my lips from his or loosen my embrace.
My angel knocks out its devilish counterpart and reasons returns, allowing me to peel my limbs from his and disengage my overactive lips. As my hands drop from his face, they are immediately plastered to mine, enhancing the echoes of my panting and strangling my already choked words. “I ruined everything! I’m sorry.” I run to Eva’s room as unbridled tears stream down my face. Slamming the door, I sink to the floor, leaning my back against its hard wooden surface. My head flops onto my upraised knees. My hands grasp my legs pulling them toward my chest. I fight to keep myself together as my world falls apart. How could I be so stupid, I ruined everything! The sobs rip mercilessly from my chest as I lament over my missed opportunity. He had just declared he would stay with me, help me through this, giving me not only comfort, but time, time for him to realize he loves me. Now, I’d be surprised if he hasn’t already left his apartment and left me forever. My subconscious’ internal struggle decides to become a full blown verbal chastisement. “How could you do that? You are so stupid, so ridiculous, why is it every time you remotely have a chance to straighten your life out, you do everything you can to destroy it. What is wrong with you?”
Andrew is pushing at the door, pounding anxiously, “Mia, please move away from the door.”
This is it! He will never forgive me. I’m surprised he wants to confront me instead of just leaving. He is going tell me it is too dangerous. Maybe he’s brazing it out to tell me that I have to leave. Sanctuary is his home, my inner voice bellows. After all of the heart wrenching revelations on this trip already, I cannot allow him to say the words. Why did I come here? I could have just stayed in Sanctuary and my out of control behavior would not have reared its ugly head so soon. I hold steadfast against the door.
“Mia, please let me come in,” he pleads. I force myself to move.
He rushes to my side. I can’t look into his seraphic face as he utters the words I dread. I bury my face in my knees.
His cool hand strokes my back softly, his voice tender. “Mia, I’m not upset with you. You didn’t ruin anything really. I understand how overwhelmed you are with everything that life is throwing at you so quickly that you just wanted to reach out and grab a life vest to stop the waves from crashing over you and dragging you under.”
Apprehensively, I lift my head trying to see his face through veiled tears. He doesn’t look furious. His face is just filled with concern. “How could you be so nice to me? I’m a terrible person, I shouldn’t have…”
He places his cold finger against my lips. “Stop right now! You are getting yourself worked up for nothing. I do understand. Look at all you have had to absorb in the last few hours, your mother’s illness, arguing with your father, having to keep secrets and now the responsibility of agreeing to care for your mother in what will be a draining time. You turned to me for comfort, you needed to feel life coursing through you and I would give anything to be that for you, but I’m not life, I’m death and can only bring you further pain.” The gentleness in his face turns to anguish and regret. “I really do wish that I could be that for you in that way.” His voice sounds strangled. “I’m sorry that I can’t, but I can help you through this and someday there will be someone for you whose heart pounds as quickly as yours when you kiss him and whose pulse races when you stroke his hand. I just know it. You are too special for that not to happen.” His eyes shift down, but he cannot hide his sadness.
Wrenching my shaking hand from my shin, I run knuckles down his jaw line. “You are not death.” My voice is scathing. “You are a caring, compassionate man who has given me so much. Before you, I wouldn’t have the strength for this. The kiss was my fault! I’m sorry, I lost my head, but I don’t ever want you to say that about yourself. I have never met someone as wonderful as you. You allowed me to reconcile with my mother before she dies. I know that you are the one who cured me and gave me as second chance at a life that I am only now beginning to understand is truly my calling. I was meant to…” My subconscious angel interrupts me. He didn’t leave you. You may be able to repair some of the damage if you stop and think. Don’t say anything that will cause him more anxiety and maybe you will still have time with him. I take a breath. I see the anxiety building in his eyes. “Andrew, I’m sure I was meant to spend time with you and your family. I’m sorry about what I did, but please don’t let it change things between us, it was a momentary loss of control. You’re right, I am overwhelmed, but I will try very hard to make sure it doesn’t happen again!” My hands are once again gripping his face, but I hold on to reason, and am only forcing him to look at me.
His eyes turn gentle and his tone soft. “Mia, I promise I und
erstand. I know what it is like to want to grab on to someone, to hold on to the comfort that they give to you. I have to confess that I understand that so much better now because of you and the way my selfish side desires to hold on to you that way. You are the first person in five hundred years who remotely makes me feel like the person I used to be. I love spending time with you, not only because you are the most wonderful, compassionate and interesting person I have ever met, but also because you touch something inside me that makes me feel alive, you make me feel!” With trepidation he continues. “I hope that this doesn’t make you feel like I’m using you, because I’m not. I just want you to know the truth, what I’m feeling, and how wonderful of a person I think you are.”
“You would never use anyone.” I declare reassuringly. I’m glad that I can give you something back considering how much you have given me. I’m glad that our spending time together allows you to feel alive, that’s the least I could give back since you give me a life to love.”
“Thank you for saying that.”
“I mean it! Come for a walk with me. Tonight is going to be stressful enough.”
Although he is physically beside me, he is distracted, somber, telling me his mind is back in the apartment, contemplating the ramifications of our kiss. It’s freezing, but I need to clear my head and force myself to look forward and avoid ogling him which could only lead to further trouble. Glancing sideways, my eyes lock on his and I am caught once again. I stop to watch the skaters hoping they will keep my attention.
“Do you skate?” He inquires curiously.
“I did when I was little. Why?”
His eyes are now focused and turn soft. “Shall we give it a whirl? You’re a size eight right?”
“Yes but…”
“It will be fun.”
As soon as my blades touch the ice, I fall. Extending his hand, he pulls me to my feet and encircles my waist. For the next hour he glides me across the ice. I can’t help but laugh as he reveals he learned how to skate making a fool of himself taking Stephanie out on the lake. Getting his evens, he releases me. I skate about ten feet and fall. Reaching me, he appears worried that I may be mad.
“You know, I was just thinking how you really are an angel putting yourself out like that for Stephanie and then you do this to me.” I feign irritation. He extends his hand out immediately, eyes concerned. I tug his hand hard, pulling him down. Surprised by my actions, he falls and we are laughing. My inner angel makes a brief re-appearance. See by keeping it light, you can still touch him but stay out of trouble. I’m just relieved we can still laugh together.
We return to change and I am surprised to find the dress, Andrew bought me, complete with jewelry and boots. When I come out, he is standing by the window, lost in thought. His palm rests flat against the window. He looks like a model on a billboard. I want to extend my hand out to touch him half expecting that it will pass right through him as if he is a figment of my imagination. Despite spending the last few months with him, I rise every day expecting to find that he is just a dream, one more spectacular than I have conjured up, but still an illusion.
Gently laying my hand on his outstretched arm, he returns from his distant thought, his eyes tender. “You look lovely.”
My heart races, but I need to keep it light. “You’ve seen this dress, you bought it. Thank you for bringing it, but how did you know we were going out?”
He tenses. “Mia, I’ve been keeping something from you.” He mutters somberly. “Your mother and I have stayed in contact since my trip.” He turns and takes my hands, staring at me intently. “I have not betrayed your confidences, and I’m trying not to betray hers either. I am only telling you now because I know you’re concerned with what David has asked and you feel as if you are walking through a mine field this evening, but you’re not. She wants to come to Sanctuary. I’m sorry that I deceived you, but I didn’t want to force this situation on you and…”
Relief washes through me. “Don’t apologize. I do want her to come and understand why you kept her secret.”
He does not relax, instead he continues, his voice dropping. “There’s something else I need to confess to you. Ever since the Lake, I have followed your life, watched you grow. I’m the one who sent Eva. You seemed to be freefalling and I needed to help, I couldn’t let the darkness grab hold of you, lose you. I’m sorry. I should have never gotten you involved in our lives. Seeing you now, I realize what a strong person you are; you would have pulled yourself out of your despair, without our intervention. Maybe if I hadn’t interfered, you could be going through this with a man who could love you the way you deserve to be loved and with a family of your own to bring you comfort in this dark time. Maybe if I hadn’t…”
Angst rips through his features. I realize as I raise my hand to his perfect lips that my actions this morning opened a flood gate that needs to close. “You’re right. My life would be very different.” My voice is stern. “My mother and I would not be speaking, she would have passed with regret and I would forever regret losing the opportunity to say goodbye.” I sound angry and try to soften my words. “I’m flattered that you thought enough of me to waste your valuable time keeping tabs on me. Although how I did not see you…As far as going through this with a family of my own, I explained to you before, but maybe you don’t believe me. Before coming to Sanctuary, I couldn’t even stand myself, so why would I ever want to impose my messed up self on someone else and as far as now is concerned, I am not looking for my other half!” Thankfully I stopped myself before blurting out that it’s because my better half is standing before me now. “You saw how messed up I was when I escaped to Sanctuary and it had nothing to do with your crossing my path or Eva entering my life. My turbulent, destructive relationship with my family was already well established. You and your family have given me the first feeling of belonging ever! No one has brought me more comfort. So you listen to me, Andrew St. Cloud,” I grasp his chin and speak deliberately, “not only am I happy that you have promised to go through this ordeal with me, but I am grateful for every moment of your existence. Whether you believe it or not, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, so just deal with it!”
His features soften, but his eyes remain skeptical.
I soften my voice, resting my hand on his cheek. “Andrew, look, I know you feel you cannot enter into a conventional loving relationship because of your circumstances, and I accept that, but you need to realize that I am content just spending time with you without having to move beyond our friendship. So many times when a man and woman are friends, one of them wants more and the friendship ends. I had a friend like that once. When I couldn’t return the feelings, our friendship ended at a time when I needed him most. I love having fun with you or spending the night in your arms, feeling safe.” I gently run my knuckles along his jaw line. “You make me happy and allow me to find out who I am capable of being. I don’t think you realize how our time together has changed me or how much it means to me. I just hope that I am giving something back to you. I feel as though I manipulate your time and you get nothing, despite what you claim. I know your desire to help people and I feel as if I take advantage of that. Look at what I’m doing now! I’m looking to you for support and guidance with my mother’s situation because I’m afraid to face it alone. I should apologize for impairing your quest, but I’m too selfish and need you too much.”
He appears irritated and retorts in a tone harsh for him. “Mia, you are the most unselfish person I know and are not taking advantage of me! When you’re with me, you look past the vile creature I am and allow me to momentarily escape the demon inside. I can’t even describe the feeling that comes over me when you curl up next to me to sleep or allow me to comfort you when you are upset.” He lets out an exasperated sigh. “Being with you makes me feel that my reprehensible existence serves some purpose! The time I spend with you is the happiest time I have ever spent, whether before my transformation or after and I…” He
stops, staring into my eyes and I can see the panic and hear his sharp intake of air. He closes his eyes and when they open, his voice is somber. “It’s getting late, we had better leave.”
I feel dizzy, assured that if continued, he would have admitted that he loves me. Bringing his hands up to my lips, laying a gentle kiss upon his palm before holding it to my cheek, I smile. “Thank you for staying with me and checking on me. You may think it’s selfish, but it means the world to me and I know your existence has a good purpose.”
We walk to the elevator in silence.
Everyone is at the apartment. Katrina is on the couch, David sounds frustrated telling her how beautiful she looks and to stop fussing. She quips “I’m not dressed enough and feel like a house.”
I hand her my triangle earrings and necklace. “Try these” Out of character, she hugs me and David looks relieved.
As my parents, Stephan, aunt and uncle pile into my uncle’s car, David, Katrina, Andrew and I head towards my aunt’s sedan. David drives because Katrina gets car sick.
The restaurant’s atmosphere is very festive, dimly lit as soft music plays in the background. We toast Stephen being assigned to head the surgical department. My parents beam. The food is plentiful and I momentarily wonder where Andrew is hiding it all. After a while, he rises, excusing himself, probably to dispose of it. Everyone gets up to dance, leaving me with Stephan.
“I’m so happy for you. I know how much you wanted that position.” I optimistically hope my compliment will dispel the uncomfortable silence between us. Instead, it fuels his disdain. “Someone had to do right with all the advantages our parents gave us. You could never fulfill their dreams and thanks to your little incident, I was almost voted down.”
Before I can strike back, a cool hand touches my shoulder. “Would you like to dance?” He eyes me carefully.
As we reach the dance floor I recognize the music. Snaking one arm around my waist and gently holding the other, we begin dancing. “Ignore him. You can never win with someone so stubborn and unforgiving. He and your father are too blind by their limited perceptions to see the truth. Your mother needs to believe that she can bring her family together, you wouldn’t deny her that.”
He’s right. My brother and father will never see me as anything but a quitter and failure. “I hope you are in a dancing mood because Stephan is itching for an argument.”
He laughs, lightening my mood immediately. “I guess I can rescue you, but only because I enjoy dancing with you so much.” He kisses my forehead then spins me around. As my eyes lock upon the sparkles shining in his, his arms tighten around me. My heart quickens and the warmth from my overheated blood coursing through my veins makes me lightheaded. The atmosphere around us is charged and suddenly seems to change. I can no longer hear my heals clamoring on a parquet dance floor. I feel as if I’m floating in his embrace. A cool white mist gathers around us, blanketing our surroundings, revealing only a brilliant sparkling sky. Andrew’s dark suit and tie have been replaced by a white linen shirt with two buttons opened at the neck and light gray pants. A soft golden hue surrounds his essence. Looking down, my dress is no longer maroon. I am in a long flowing backless dress of the palest blue. His radiant smile melts my heart as his fingertips travel lightly up and down my exposed spine. His fingertips tickle my neck, circling it. I turn my head into his palm, kissing it softly. Desire ignites within me. As his lips touch mine, his kiss becomes more urgent and our passion explodes. We fall into the mist, laughing. He embraces me, pulling me onto his sculpted body. I glory in his warmth. His features are glorious, carefree. I move so I can kiss first one corner of his lips and then the other, before showering soft kisses up his cheek, reaching his ear. “I love you.”
Crushing me to his chest, “I love you too.” His eyes dance with delight. As his fingers skim my naked back, I can feel his other hand reaching for the tie around my neck.
“Stop” Andrew’s panicked voice, brings me back to the present. His eyes are wide, unseeing, his features bemused and concerned. Could he have seen what I saw? He mutters to himself, answering my question. “What was that?”
I reach up to touch his face. He jumps back, releasing me. We stare at each other, stock still in the middle of the dance floor. Couples whirl around us, one woman, accidently brushes up against his back, shaking him. As reason returns, he hesitantly takes my hand in his and places his other on my waist, leaving a noticeable space between us. He still appears a little stunned, embarrassed even, but so am I, especially since my back still tingles and my heart is pounding out of control. It’s strange and takes me by surprise, but once again, my images leave me with the feeling of longing to recall a distant, forgotten memory, one that I now appear to have shared with the shocked Adonis before me.
He first moves us toward our table, but then seems unsure if that is where he wants to go. Awkwardly, he shifts, moving us back through the dance floor. His eyes search mine seeking answers to questions he is too afraid to verbalize. I need to think. Tearing my gaze from his, I consider asking him, but is it really the right time considering we still have to get through tonight with my family. There are already so many mine fields I am dodging do I want to travel so close to this one?
I briefly glance back up at him and he appears to be contemplating too. Then he leans down toward my ear so that I can hear his soft utterance over the music and crowd. “Did you see that?” I nod, unsure of his direction or mine. “It was quite something.” His voice is filled with wonder, but also trepidation. “Maybe we shouldn’t think about it until we’re alone again.” He states tentatively and again I nod, releasing a breath, I didn’t even know I’m holding. He relaxes too and by the time we return to the table, we each seem to have locked this item away, at least for now.
At midnight, as everyone kisses, Andrew surprisingly embraces me, causing my heart to once again react as it has all evening whenever he touched me, pounding so hard that I am sure everyone in the room can hear its sonic boom. Unexpectedly he brushes his porcelain lips across mine, my head spins. My eyes are unfocused as my mother embraces me. Excusing myself, I hurry to the restroom unaware that Katrina followed me until I am drying my face. “He loves you, you know.” She states confidently.
“It’s not like that. It can’t be like that for me.”
This is not a conversation that I want to have with her now. This trip, today, this evening and the images which rattle the draw I have locked them in are making my head pound. Little did I know that by successfully steering her away from this topic, she is going to drop another surprise upon me. I’m speechless as she asks me to be the twins’ godparent along with Stephan. This is at least a pleasant distraction, although I am sure that David is the one who put her up to it.
Returning to the table, my mother rises to leave, she’s tired, but insists that we stay and continue enjoying ourselves. In truth, part of me is grateful for her insistence, I’m not sure I want to go and open the rattling draw, fearing its contents may be too much for Andrew after my debacle this morning.