by L.A.A. Law
Chapter Twenty-Two – A Piercing Realization Shatters Momentary Peace
Picking up my suit, I realize Eva grabbed the one that’s cut low in front and high on the sides. I shake my head remembering how I let my girlfriend talk me into buying it, despite my better judgment. Not wanting him to see how terrible I look in it, I quickly change and slip into the water. When the door opens, Andrew is sporting black swim trunks. The images we shared did not do him justice. His broad shoulders are definitely needed to support his strong muscular arms and compliment his muscular chest and ribbed abdomen. His strong legs are all muscle. I cannot tear my eyes from him and can feel desire unfurling within me. Immediately, before my subconscious angel can even appear, I slip my hands under my knees and begin running nursery rhymes. Despite what he thinks, he may not be calling up these images and I want to spend time with him here.
Smiling, he steps into the water. Placing his cool arm behind my neck, I run the simplest rhyme repeatedly to stop the shiver of desire running through me. “Are you feeling any better?”
I nod, not wanting to break my mantra and try to concentrate on keeping my hands securely under my legs.
His free hand dips into the water, skims gently down my arm searching for my hand. “Mia, it’s alright. I promise.” Taking my hand in his, he caresses it gently with his thumb.
We sit quietly, each probably concentrating on our own distraction, enjoying the comforting water. His caress feels warmer in the hot water and I find myself pulling his hand toward my lips, kissing it. As the subconscious angel rears her head, I force myself to return our hands to the bench.
I feel a strange pull on my body, but then Andrew suddenly raises our intertwined hands to his lips, kissing first my palm and then moving his perfect lips to my wrist and slowly up my arm. See what you did, you lit his spark. She shakes her head and my devilish side knocks her off my shoulder. They both disappear. Andrew’s lips caress my collarbone moving slowly to nape of my neck. My concentration shatters and I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. His lips brush mine, kissing me tenderly. Opening my eyes, I see his lovely sky eyes staring at me longingly. His hands move to my wrists, gently bringing our hands between us. He leans over to kiss me again, but this time with our arms safely between us.
As the fog overshadowing my shattered concentration lifts, I think I hear him mutter “At least the image stopped,” but can see him struggling to back away from the emotional line he fears crossing. I move myself to the side allowing some distance between us and he places his arm behind my neck as we lien back to catch our breath. Peering sideways, I see his desire flare before he closes his eyes in concentration.
“This jacuzzi is very good. I can see why Jackson and Eva find it so appealing.”
He nods his head in acknowledgment, but does not open his eyes.
I marvel at his perfection, unable to beat back my desire to be with this man. He is not only perfect in every physical way, but his constant striving makes him perfect on the inside as well. His only flaw is failing to give himself enough credit.
Opening his eyes, he rises. “I should let you enjoy this alone so you can relax.” He moves forward, but I grip his hand tighter knowing he is too much of a gentleman to rip it from me. “Mia, I brought you here to get away from complications, not to…”
“Please sit.” My voice commands and as he does, I move my hands to his face so he cannot turn away. “You do not complicate my existence. I love spending time with you. I know that you think this is wrong and you worry about the visions passing between us, but we are not wrong, you have to believe that!”
“Mia, I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want you. From what we’ve seen, I think that’s obvious.” He sounds aggravated with himself as he shakes his head. “I love being close to you, but even if I can successfully fight my feelings back to save you from becoming ensnared in our doomed existence, I am not allowing you to live a life with someone who can wake up every morning and tell you they love you. You deserve to hear nothing less! I can’t allow myself to fully commit to you.” Utter frustration exudes from every word. “To save you, I would always have to keep a piece of my heart from you, bad enough it’s dead, cold and still already.” He chuckles at his own bad joke. “You deserve to be happy, to have someone commit to you and the two children you are lovingly accepting. I can’t give you that life, but I don’t want to let you go!” His voice fills with anguish.
My hands grasp his tightly. “You do make me happy, can’t you see that? I want to be with you. I don’t feel as if I am missing anything! No one has ever made me feel as cherished and protected as you do, despite everything that goes on around us and frankly, no matter what you believe, I am not willing to give that up!” I move our intertwined hands over his heart. “Your heart is not still or cold, no matter what you believe and the part that you have shared with me is more than most people ever have. I am a big girl and have decided that we belong together. How far you allow this to go is ultimately up to you, but if you can only give me what we have now, that is alright too!” I respond fiercely. “The words I love you are just that-words and if I never hear them from you, I still would not feel deprived of anything! Your heart is so loving and giving that even if you are persistent enough to hold some of it back, I’m sure that the lifetime I would share with you, would be a gift unlike any other that has ever been bestowed on someone. I’m not afraid of anything that we would have to face as long as we are together!”
His features soften. “You are giving me far too much credit.”
“You don’t give yourself enough!” I retort.
“Mia, you need to consider what I am. Even if you could ignore my keeping a piece of my heart from you, without being able to commit to you, I can’t…” He takes in a deep breath. “How can I deny you that, especially after what we’ve seen and felt? It’s just…”
Knowing where he is heading, I move our hands to his lips. “I understand because of your father the values you feel tied to. I’m a big girl and do not need that type of relationship to feel fulfilled either.” My devil appears. No but you really enjoy that side don’t you? I hate to admit he is right and can’t hesitate in talking to Andrew. I can’t let him feel that I would be missing anything. “What we share when we are together is so much more than anything I could have ever imagined, it’s enough for me.” I say snuggling into his side. My errant thoughts wonder if he does maintain that type of distance would the images continue and if so, would those feelings fulfill me or frustrate me as I lie beside him each night. I’m shocked when we both shake our heads at the same time. Maybe we are sharing thoughts now as well. I close my eyes and try to just enjoy the water.
We allow the warm jets to stream over us, caressing away all the stresses of the day. I open my eyes when he sighs. “We better get back.”
“I’ll let you get out first.” I mutter still embarrassed about the suit.
“Not a chance.” He smiles. “You got to stare at me getting in; it’s only fair that I get to see how beautiful you look in your suit getting out.” His facial features become overly innocent and I’m glad to see our talk didn’t make him worrisome or moody, but I still don’t move. “Would you deny my seeing how beautiful you look in your flattering suit?”
I scowl. “I let someone talk me into this even though it isn’t the right style.”
“Do you trust my opinion?” He smiles slyly.
“I know what you’re doing. I trust your opinion, but you’re a little prejudice.”
“Indulge me then.”
I stand up begrudgingly and face him. “See, I’m more of the sporting type.”
Rising, he wraps his arms around my waist. “You’re wrong this is very flattering to your figure.” He kisses me and takes in a deep breath. “I’d better let you get out.”
Wrapping myself in a towel, I walk into the other room and dress by the toasty fire. Watching him put out the fire, I sigh. This time makes all my fam
ily’s unpleasant encounters vanish.
He helps me with my coat. “We’ll be back momentarily. I believe your brother will be on his best behavior from now on!” As he lifts me, I see something menacing in his eyes and wonder exactly what Jackson did.
My mother is sitting downstairs staring at the mantle picture.
“You look better, how do you feel?”
“Mia, don’t lie. I know that it’s almost time. I’m alright with it, but I need something from you. I know I’m asking a lot, but know you have it in your heart to do it, despite our failing to listen to you growing up and what your brother thinks he is going to put you through. You need to help your father and brother cope with the fact that they could not save me or Katrina. I need you to assure me that the children will be part of their lives too.”
Wrestling with my bubbling emotions, trying to decide how to lie to her, my eyes dart between her anxious face and Andrew who is deep in conversation with Jackson when it hits me. I do need to do the right thing. Good needs to prevail from the ashes of this fractured family. They have done right by me; I just never realized it until this moment. If it wasn’t for their blinders, I would have never come here! They bestowed the greatest gift upon me because their actions led me to Andrew.
I take her hand. “Mom, I promise that I will do all I can to help them and that the children will know them.”
“Mia, I need you to do something else for me.”
Afraid of what else she may want, I hesitate. “What do you need?”
“I need to speak with Andrew in private before your father and brother come back over.” I glance and see them in conversation in the corner and rise to get Andrew.
“Can my mom speak with you for a moment?”
“Sure, let’s go.” I hold still.
“She wants to speak with you alone.”
He glances over to Stephan and my father.
“She can stay with me.” Jackson interjects. “So how did you enjoy the Jacuzzi?” He asks smugly.
Hitting him on the shoulder, he laughs.
“I’m rather jealous.” His tone sounds earnest.
I’m bemused. “About what?”
“Your progress with Andrew is much faster than mine was with Eva. We always figured he would be a much stronger hold out. Although, I must admit his self-delusion is quite impressive. I have never seen a man in love so deeply, yet so unwilling to admit it to himself. He may just be able to keep you from getting ensnared yet, but seriously even if he can, there is still a lot that you need to consider.” I’m puzzled.
“Mia, you know what we are. Whether we figure out how to escape our imprisonment or not, we can’t escape what we have become or what that means to our existence.”
I stare at him as the gravity of what he’s saying finally registers. My mind has been so confounded by the other issues that I never considered his immortality came from his being a vampire. His situation will never end, not really. I feel sick. We truly can’t be together forever.
“Mia, are you alright? Maybe you should sit down.”
“I’m fine. It’s just that only now is it registering that this is the reason for your immortality and not whether you find a solution to the puzzle. I knew it in the back of my mind, but I guess that Andrew isn’t the only one who is artful in delusion. For some reason, I always thought that once you solved the puzzle, you would be able to live a normal life. I pictured us raising Katrina’s children, maybe having some of our own and growing old together, but that won’t happen, at least not for him.” Unbearable sadness engulfs me. Even if he did solve everything in my lifetime, we would still be separated for all eternity when I died. Mist stings my eyes. I know it won’t be long before tears stream down my cheeks.
“Jackson, I need some time alone.” Without lifting my eyes, I quickly retreat to Katrina’s room, knowing if Andrew sees me leave the building, he will follow. The idea of being separated from him is too much. I begin to sob. I feel as if an animal is attacking my heart with its vicious claws, ripping it apart slowly and painfully. I clutch my chest trying to dull the pain. I place my hand over my mouth to muffle the sobs.
The door bursts open and to my horror, Nicholas flies in, his eyes darting frantically, searching for something. He moves to me. “Are you hurt? Were they here?” His voice sounds panicked.
I struggle to speak but my throbbing heart renders me mute.
“Mia just point in the direction where the person who hurt you escaped. I’ll go after them and get help on the way.” His face twists in horror when I point to myself.
Realizing what he is thinking, I force myself to speak. “I’m not hurt, I…I didn’t think anyone could hear me…I’m sorry.”
Relief washes over his features and with trepidation he sits by me. “Is there anything I can do?”
“No.” I continue crying. His hand stretches toward me and then recoils.
“Maybe it would help to talk about it.” He hesitates.
I didn’t mean to blurt it out, especially in front of Nicholas. “Andrew is a vampire…no matter what happens…we will be separated forever.” My voice is jagged.
He starts laughing. “Is that what brought this on? Mia, even I can fix that problem for you. It’s the other problem that you can’t get around.” His behavior and statement bring me up short. How can he fix it? Horror washes over me. Is he considering killing his brother? My widening eyes fixate on him. “What did I say wrong? Becoming a vampire isn’t that scary. Look at the advantages. At least you would be together always.” His tone is quite matter of fact.
How dense am I? Are my brother and father right that I’m incapable of solving problems when the solutions are right in front of me? I never even considered that possibility. Without thinking, I throw my arms around Nicholas. “Thank you!”
Andrew opens the door. He takes one look at my face and who is near me and his hands are immediately gripping Nicholas, pulling him to his feet. The sound coming from him is truly frightening.
“Andrew, stop!” I shout. “He didn’t do anything!”
Jackson is now in the room. “Jackson grab Andrew! Nicholas didn’t do anything…you know that!”
Jackson grabs his upper arms before Andrew can shake him off. I wedge myself under Andrew’s now outstretched, taut arms so that I’m standing between Andrew and Nicholas. I place my hands on Andrew’s fierce face. “Andrew, look at me! Let Nicholas go! He found me in here looking like this and thought I was hurt. He didn’t do anything but try to help me. I swear. Please, let him go!”
Andrew and Jackson both remove their hands.
“What happened?” He asks anxiously.
“I was trying to muffle my crying and Nicholas stormed in thinking I was being attacked. It wasn’t his fault, it was all me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause this uproar!”
Andrew embraces me, rubbing my back gently. “Nicholas, I’m sorry. It’s just that when I saw her face, I thought…”
“I know exactly what you thought. If she was with me, I would have thought the same thing, given my history, but Andrew I am trying to change. I saw things the night when they grabbed me that put everything in perspective. I’m still trying to figure some of it out and I’ll let you know when I do, but really, I wasn’t trying to hurt her. She is telling you the truth. Honestly, you’re hurting her more than I ever could!”
“I would never hurt her!” He bellows.
“No! What do you think brought this on?” He shouts, gesturing toward my face. “This is because of you!”
“That’s not fair.” Jackson interjects, realizing what caused my despondence. “He is only trying to protect her!”
Andrew whirls around with me in his arms making my stomach lurch. “What do you know about this?” He demands.
“When we were talking, I mentioned something I thought she had considered, but I was wrong. Taking into account everything else that is going on around her, she became a little e
motional.” He says trying to calm the situation.
“Will someone please clue me in to what went on when I went to speak with your mother?” He looks anxiously at me. “Is what your mother and I were discussing upsetting you?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know what she wanted to say to you. It’s just been an emotional few days and I am overreacting, that’s all.” I look toward Jackson hoping that he will keep quiet, but before I can catch Nicholas’ eye…
“How do you live in such self-denial Andrew? Can’t you see that she is terrified of losing you? You of all people, the one who cared for a despondent Gabriel when Martina disappeared and weakened me, should know.” His voice sounds exasperated and he speaks as if talking to a child, slow and deliberate. “She can’t stand the thought of being separated from you, losing you. Even you can’t be this blind!”
Andrew cups my face in his strong hands, his eyes full of compassion. “I promise you that I am not going anywhere! I thought you realized that.”
I blurted it out so easily to Nicholas, so why can’t I tell Andrew? “I know what you said. It’s not you, it’s me!” My voice sounds shaky. I see a look pass between Jackson and Nicholas, but Nicholas speaks, much to my horror.
“She isn’t afraid that you’ll leave her now, she fears when…”
“Nicholas, don’t do this!” I shout.
“Mia, he has to know! He needs to understand that his trying to protect you is only hurting you more.” I’m surprised but he does sound concerned for me. “She is afraid of what happens when her soul has leaves this plane. You will be stuck here, while she is stuck there. Did you think this through Andrew, because it is highly doubtful that she will be allowed to return as your guardian angel?” He states sourly.
My mouth falls open in horror. I cannot even look at Andrew.
“I need to leave.” I say quietly to the floor. “I can’t do this now!” I try shrugging out of his grip. He doesn’t let me go, but then someone’s hands are upon his and I’m free. I fly out and down the stairs. Stephan approaches me, but I put my hand up hoping my mother doesn’t see. “Not now, anything you have to say will have to wait.” My voice is low, angry and he halts.
I run out without even my coat. I am so numb that the cold doesn’t even register.
Safely in my room, I close the door and collapse, allowing the tears to flow freely as images of my floating in an abyss flow through my thoughts, not even sure if my surroundings are heaven or hell because it doesn’t matter. Trapped in my own personal hell, I won’t need any demons to torture me. The idea alone of being separated from Andrew rips at my heart. I feel as if a bear is clawing away at my skin taking one layer at a time while a demon sets my innards ablaze. If this feeling is based only upon the thought of being separated from him, I know the actual separation will be worse. If I do make it to heaven, would God grant me an occasional glance at Andrew to provide me some relief or would He be angry at my unwillingness to be grateful for the admission into paradise and ship me to the remotest part of heaven that would not even permit the briefest glances? Then again, maybe He would just cast me down into hell.
This surreal world and the powerful images before me are too much. My mind drifts to black.
His cool hands stroke my face. I am no longer on the floor, but fear opening my eyes, unsure of what I will see in his.
“Mia, please open your eyes. I know you can hear me.” His voice has no trace of anger, just concern.
To my surprise, he doesn’t look upset at all. Sitting up, he continues stroking my cheek, while scrutinizing my face. I feel strange, numb.
“Mia, I have been so blind. I was so worried about protecting you from all of this, that I didn’t see that my actions are hurting you the most! Can you forgive me?” His voice is repentant.
“Forgive you for what, for always being honest with me and trying to do the right thing no matter how much I push you or for trying to save me! I am the one who should beg your forgiveness. You have your life, the lives of your siblings and parents on your shoulders and the consequences of your ability to solve a puzzle which embroils your eternity. These issues span far beyond one lifetime and in I walk to complicate your existence even further! I monopolize your time when you could be looking for solutions. I am sure that I’m worse than any case that has ever crossed your path. Then to top it off, I have to add my mania and my own family problems. I should be a good person and back off, especially considering what you have to do!”
“Stop this now!” He interrupts angrily. “You haven’t done anything wrong. You are the only reason I feel alive for the first time since we were cast into this absurd and sick predicament. My being able to be with you is the only good part of this whole thing! If it wasn’t for what happened, I would have been dead without having the blessing of you crossing my path.” His voice is impassioned. “You don’t monopolize my time. I am the one who is stopping you from having a life, from moving forward. I cast you into this surreal world with us where you are surrounded every day by an insanity which is beyond my comprehension and I’ve had five hundred years to try to understand it all and still can’t!” His hands grasp mine. “I never expected to become involved with someone so I never considered all the pressure this would impose upon you. You are so accepting, so understanding that I became complacent. I didn’t think through all the levels of complication that any type of relationship would cause. Your mother and my brother are right. We have a lot to discuss. The good thing is, is that we have time! Mia, we will work this out, I promise.” He kisses my head. “You have so much to deal with right now. Christian will be here early this evening. He may take the twins today. I think that you need to focus on that right now and prepare yourself for the loss of your mother. You are going to go through intense emotions, joy for the new lives that are entering and sorrow for the losses that you suffered and that are coming. Not to mention, if your brother doesn’t listen and starts a custody battle. We don’t need to add anything else to this emotional roller coaster! This will wait until you are not being pulled in so many different directions.”
He takes in a deep breath, allowing me to process his words. “You and I have some very important decisions to make, but not while you’re bombarded by other things and cannot think about the consequences clearly. You are right! I can’t impose my fears and what I think is right upon you. I can’t make the decision for you, we must make together, but I will make absolutely sure that you have had time to consider all of this carefully, without fear that one of us will walk out on the other if he doesn’t like what he hears.”
I lean my forehead against his. “Thank you.”
Wrapping me in his strong arms, he kisses the top of my head again. “I’m sorry I didn’t see the additional pressure and anxiety my taking the choice out of your hands placed upon you.” As he leans back into the headboard, I close my eyes, but sleep will not find me. My thoughts are filled with the twins’ arrival, my mother joining the war between angels and demons and his new revelations. Seeing the love between my parents, I wonder how she really feels about the impending separation from my father and if she finds comfort knowing they will be reunited in their eternity. I believe love transcends such barriers, but in what form? Switching tracts, I think about the love between parent and child. Remembering David’s letters, I leap out of bed and cross the room.
“What’s wrong?” Andrew’s tone reflects his concern.
“Nothing, I remembered a solution to my Stephan problem. David said that if I had a problem to give him…” I pull out the envelope. “This”
“It’s not open.”
“I figure if David wanted me to see it he wouldn’t have sealed it.”
“Mia, maybe you should open it.” His voice sounds concerned. “Once you hand it to Stephan the information will be lost. Maybe you should have a copy in case it doesn’t stop him.”
“I’m not sure.”
“I understand you want to honor his priv
acy, but I need to protect you. May I see it?” He holds out his hand.
“Do you promise not to tell me anything unless it doesn’t stop him?”
“I promise.”
He leaves and later returns with the letter intact, but appears to have his answers.