by Woody Allen
Your life—your autobiography, whatever. I think I can show you step by step—
FRED
Logic can be very deceptive. You stole my life, you stole my soul.
JIM
I don't need your life. I have a fine life of my own.
FRED
Who are you to say you don't need my life?
JIM
I didn't mean to insult you.
FRED
Look, I realize you're under personal strain.
JIM
I am, yes.
FRED
And she's quite late—that's a bad sign.
JIM
I'm surprised. She's usually punctual.
FRED
She must sense something's up. I'd keep alert if I was you.
JIM
I am. I just want to point out that my film—
FRED
Our film—
JIM
The film—is it OK if I say the film? The film is about the evils of one particular mental institution which I happened to set in New Jersey.
FRED
Been there, done that.
JIM
But surely many people had similar experiences. This could be their story as easily.
FRED
No—no—you heard me tell it. I even said to Big John Kelly it would make a swell film—especially the part where the protagonist lights the fires.
JIM
Is that what happened in your life?
FRED
You know the details.
JIM
I swear I don't.
FRED
I was under instructions to burn down several buildings.
JIM
Instructions, from who?
FRED
The radio.
JIM
You heard voices over the radio?
FRED
Do I hear the barest trace of skepticism in your voice?
JIM
No—
FRED
I was not always—whatever was their term—
JIM
Paranoid schizophrenic?
FRED
What'd you say?
JIM
I was trying to be helpful.
FRED
Everyone's so damn technical. That's all semantics. It used to be dementia praecox—actually that's prettier. It's worse than semantics, it's cosmetics. A girl brings her fiance home to meet her parents and says, folks, this is Max, he's a manic-depressive. You can imagine how they take it. Fantasies of their darling child wed to a guy who on Monday tries to jump off the Chrysler Building and Tuesday tries to buy every item in Bloomingdale's—ah, but say, this is Max—he's bipolar. It sounds like an achievement—like an explorer—bipolar like Admiral Byrd.
No, Jim—they diagnosed me in more prosaic terms. Not screwy or off his rocker—we're not talking vaudeville here— they said Fred Savage is homicidal—an unpredictable psychopath.
JIM
Homicidal?
FRED
Don't you just love labels?
JIM
Er—look, Fred, aware as you are of being delusional you can then see why I might think your theory, that I took your idea, may not be based on reality.
FRED
Who's to say what's real? Are we particles or rays? Is everything expanding or contracting? If we enter a black hole and the laws of physics are suspended, will I still need an athletic supporter?
JIM
Fred, you're obviously an educated man—
FRED
Phi Beta Kappa. Brown University. I can read Sanskrit. Ph.D. in Literature. Dissertation on the Positive Results of the Triangular Tension Between Goethe, Schopenhauer and Schopenhauer's Mother. So what was I doing in an ad agency, you ask? Having nervous breakdowns—not just because the hacks failed to see the brilliance of my Extra Strength Excedrin concept but because they were blind to the originality of my thought in general. Example: eight whores are sitting around in a brothel. A john comes in and surveys them up and down. He finally passes them all up and selects the umbrella stand in the corner. He goes down the hall with it in his arms, takes it to bed and has intense and passionate sexual intercourse with it. Cut to him driving off in a VW Beetle and we flash on the screen— Volkswagen—for the man with special taste. God, how they hated that one.
By now I was in and out of institutions like I had a season ticket. And when I lost my job, my girlfriend, Henrietta, who I believe only put up with me because she had a severe disorder of her own, which might charitably be characterized as thermonuclear masochism, kicked me out.
Yes, Jim—I was very upset. I wept. Salty tears descended these rubicund cheeks—and in an effort to woo her back I went searching for an appropriate offering with which to hopefully mollify her newly discovered feelings of disgust for me. Aware of her taste for antique jewelry I surmised an old pin or Victorian brooch might turn the trick, and having selected just the right one in a Third Avenue antique shop, I by chance came across a very stylish 1940s radio, perfect for my kitchen. Red plastic it was—a Philco. And when I got it home and tried it out, I was surprised to hear an announcer's voice commanding me to burn down the very ad agency I had formerly worked for. It was the most fun I've ever had. Am I losing you?
JIM
This is a very sad story.
FRED
I loved that girl, Henrietta. And while her attention deficit disorder made any conversation between us longer than forty seconds impossible, something in our contact buoyed my spirits. That's why I can empathize with your pathetic love life.
JIM
My love life is just fine.
FRED
Jim—you're talking to your writing partner.
JIM
You're not my writing partner.
FRED
You need a collaborator.
JIM
I've never collaborated in my life.
FRED
You're good at the nuts and bolts—but you need someone who can light a fire. I'm an idea man. OK, some may be a little avant-garde for Mr. and Mrs. Front Porch.
JIM
I have my own ideas.
FRED
If you did you wouldn't have swiped mine.
JIM
I didn't swipe it.
FRED
Genius is in the chromosomes. Did you know my personal DNA glows in the dark?
JIM
What makes you think I'm so uninspired?
FRED
I think you're very—professional. It's very solid—notice you do a lot of adaptations—not originals—I, on the other hand, am a true original—like Stravinsky—or ketchup. That's why my idea was the first thing you ever did that meant anything. It had juice—it had spark.
JIM
I thought of it in the shower.
FRED
(turning on him violently)
Don't give me that jive! I want my half!
JIM
For Christ's sake, stay calm.
FRED
And don't tell me your love life's fine. Because what the hell are you doing sneaking around on Lola?
JIM
That's not your affair.
FRED
No, it's your affair.
JIM
I'm not having an affair.
FRED
What's wrong with Lola?
JIM
Nothing.
FRED
Apart from a certain—what is it I mean—is it a ferret?
JIM
Keep your mouth shut. You're talking about the woman I love.
FRED
What's wrong there?
JIM
Nothing.
FRED
Jim.
JIM
Nothing.
FRED
Jim, c'mon.
JIM
It was fine till we had the twins.
FRED
Right—two perfect look-alikes—a grizzly omen.
JIM
They're adorable boys.
FRED
Boys—at least twin girls you can dress cute.
JIM
They're cute—they're cuddly—they're—
FRED
Exactly identical?
JIM
So what?
FRED
And they both have Lola's gerbil-like visage?
JIM
Before they came we had a perfectly good marriage.
FRED
Says who?
JIM
I'm telling you, it was fine.
FRED
Just fine? Not great?
JIM
We shared a lot of interests.
FRED
Name two.
JIM
Weekends in Connecticut and macrobiotic food.
FRED
I'm falling asleep here.
JIM
We liked to scuba dive and discuss the great books.
FRED
You discussed books underwater?
JIM
And she plays piano and I play baritone sax.
FRED
Thank God it's not the other way around.
JIM
Go ahead—make fun of me.
FRED
What about your sex life?
JIM
That's none of your business.
FRED
Those two big front teeth of hers—do they hurt?
JIM
Why must you be a vulgar smart-ass?
FRED
I'm trying to grasp your situation. How often did you make love?
JIM
Often. Till the twins were born.
FRED
I'd say you were basically a missionary position man, am I right?
JIM
(annoyed)
We did our share of experimenting.
FRED
What do you call experimenting?
JIM
Why must you know?
FRED
We're a team.
JIM
(annoyed)
That's right.
(slight pause)
We had a threesome once, OK?
FRED
Who was the other woman?
JIM
It was a guy.
FRED
Are you bisexual?
JIM
I never touched him.
FRED
Whose idea was the threesome?
JIM
Hers.
FRED
I wonder why.
JIM
We'd seen it on the porn channel one night.
FRED
You watch that consistently?
JIM
Of course not. But sometimes you can get some good ideas.
FRED
Aha—so you do use other people's ideas.
JIM
And once we did it at her parents' house during the Thanksgiving dinner.
FRED
Did the other dinner guests look up from their turkey?
JIM
We were in the bathroom!
FRED
So there was a certain spontaneity.
JIM
I don't know why you think I'm so lackluster.
FRED
Did Lola have an orgasm?
JIM
I don't think I'll dignify that with an answer.
FRED
They have been known to fake it, you know.
JIM
Why on earth would she fake it?
FRED
Bolster your confidence. She doesn't want you to know you're not satisfying her.
JIM
I'm completely secure about my sexual prowess.
FRED
You know what they say.
JIM
What?
FRED
A dog doesn't see its own tail.
JIM
What the hell does that mean?
FRED
Maybe you think you're better than you are.
JIM
That's not true.
FRED
Then why would Lola fake it?
JIM
You said she faked it.
FRED
That's the message I'm getting.
JIM
What message?
FRED
From the top of the Empire State Building. I'm feeling those rays—those electrical charges from the big antenna on the Empire State Building and all those photons are saying—Lola was pretending to come.
JIM
Hey look, I'm trying to have a rational—
FRED
And then came the twins—David and Seth.
JIM
Carson and Django.
FRED
Really?
JIM
Lola's a big fan of Carson McCullers—
FRED
And you play jazz so—
JIM
So they weren't conventional names.
FRED
And you love them.
JIM
I'm crazy about them. But Lola's too crazy about them. Suddenly everything changed—it all became about the twins— there was never any time for me anymore—for us.
FRED
No more underwater discussions of Proust.
JIM
Naturally the sex fell off.
FRED
And you started cheating.
JIM
Yes—yes—
FRED
Hmmm … that explains a lot. Look—take my advice, call it quits with your mistress—it can only lead to heartache.
JIM
I don't need your advice. That's what I planned to do today. If she ever gets here.
FRED
Maybe she senses you want it over so she's not coming.
JIM
She doesn't have a clue. She'll be stunned.
FRED
Oh great, I think I'll stick around and watch this.
JIM
What the hell am I doing having an affair? Six lousy months of dark restaurants, dingy bars, and cheap hotel rooms. Not to mention the furtive phone calls and the tension and self-hate.
FRED
What does your psychiatrist say?
JIM
He said stop.
FRED
And you—
JIM
I stopped—seeing the psychiatrist.
FRED
It's just as well, most of them have hidden tape recorders.
JIM
Last night I came home and I saw Lola sitting on the sofa, curled up like—like—
FRED
A tiny guinea pig?
JIM
I wasn't going to say that. Like a sweet, decent woman who's been my closest friend my whole life.
FRED
Did you ever lead this woman on? Make any promises, tell her you loved her or that you might leave your wife?
JIM
Absolutely not—in no way—not for a second.
FRED
I don't know why, but I'm sensing a vibration that says maybe you did.
JIM
That's nonsense.
FRED
Um, I don't know …
JIM
She wanted me to go to the Caribbean with her—for five days. I was to lie to Lola and say it was a business trip.
FRED
And you agreed?
JIM
Not exactly—I said I'd think about it. It was a moment of weakness. Our clothes were off and I'd had three margaritas and there was so much salt on the rim of the glasses and I'm on a salt-free diet … So I suddenly got a sodium rush.
FRED
(folding paws downward in front of him, mimicking Lola)
But when you got home and saw your precious darling …
JIM
Exactly—it was at the moment I was supposed to lie that I knew that I loved Lola despite all our problems and I wa
s a fool.
FRED
This could get ugly.
JIM
Nothing's getting ugly. She's an adult and I'm an adult.
FRED
You said she was headstrong.
JIM
I never said any such thing.
FRED
I heard some voice say it, I thought it was yours.
JIM
Look, these things happen. People break off their affairs every day—don't they?
FRED
So that's why you picked such a secluded spot—you're anticipating a scene.
JIM
Hey look—why am I discussing women with you? Your view of everything is skewed.
FRED
I was married once.
JIM
You were?
FRED
I don't remember much about it—all that AC/DC through my head plays havoc with your memory but I do recall she was forever dialing 911.
JIM
You know what? Here's what I think—
FRED
Come in.
JIM
I think you should just leave and get back on your medicine. I'm not fooling—I'd say megadoses if possible—I don't want you around here when she comes, I can manage by myself.
FRED
OK, fine. Then let's settle our business and I'm history.
JIM
What business? We have no business. I didn't steal your idea.
FRED
Maybe on the next one you could make it up to me with an adjusted fee and top billing.
JIM
There is no next one. I don't collaborate. I work alone. I—oh—
(notices Barbara approaching)
Oh oh … oh … oh … walk away …go, go …
FRED
You're all white.
JIM
She's coming.
FRED
All right, don't panic.
JIM
You got me so distracted.
FRED
All I said was I think you're in for rough going.
JIM
Why do you say that?
FRED
Empire State Building.
JIM
No, it's going to be fine. I practiced my speech in the shower. I was in there an hour and a half. I know exactly what I'm going to say. Get out of here!
(Barbara is there now.)
BARBARA
Sorry I'm late. Who's this?
JIM
Oh—I don't know …
(Jim gesturing with his head, trying to signal Fred to leave.)
BARBARA
Are you having a neck spasm?
JIM
(hands Fred money)
Er—here's the buck you asked for, fella, go get a square meal— good luck, buddy … ha, ha …
FRED
Fred. Fred Savage. I'm a friend of Jim's.
BARBARA
You didn't say anything—
JIM
He's kidding.
FRED
I'm his writing partner.
BARBARA
Writing partner?
FRED
We collaborated on The Journey —it was my idea—he did the actual screenplay.
(calling off)