by Woody Allen
Sheila—he's a dentist.
HAL
Hey, that's almost as bad as me—ooh—well, I mean—er—what does your sister do? Is she a model?
SHEILA
Jenny has a lingerie shop in Manhattan, and her husband streamlines rear ends and I don't mean automotive work. He's a plastic surgeon.
(Sandy laughs at Sheila's joke.)
sandy (looking out window)
The birdhouse is still up.
HAL
I designed and built that birdhouse myself.
SANDY
Based on the Guggenheim.
HAL
Hey—do you know about the secret vault?
SHEILA
No.
HAL
Yes, we wouldn't have known except we were told by the original owner who built the house, Mr. Warner. He made a hidden safe behind the fireplace.
SHEILA
No.
HAL
Yes—he did—
SANDY
Show her.
HAL
Here, it's right behind here, but you have to know where the hidden latch is.
(Fiddling.)
SANDY
It's the top one and you pull the lever …
HAL
Here it—I got it—here you go …
SHEILA
(watches it open)
My God, you learn something new every day—
HAL
I can't believe you didn't know about it.
SHEILA
I had no idea! I lean on that mantel all the time—I never dreamed—a hidden safe—what's this?
SANDY
What is that?
SHEILA
(removes an old notebook—reads aloud)
I want to treasure these moments because they are the most passionate I've known.
(looks up)
Hmm. What is this?
(thumbs diary—reads)
Her quivering breasts under my hands caused us both to breathe heavy—
HAL
What'd you find there?
SHEILA
(reads)
Chronicle of my love affair with Sheila's sister, Jenny, by Norman Pollack—
(Sheila looks up.)
HAL
Norman Pollack—that's her husband.
SANDY
Well, it was nice meeting you …
SHEILA
Norman, can you come into the living room for a minute?
SANDY
We'll just let ourselves out …
NORMAN
(returning)
Did you say something, sweetheart?
SHEILA
You miserable duplicitous son of a bitch.
NORMAN
Pardon me?
(Realizes she's found something.)
SANDY
We love what you've done with the place—
SHEILA
This is yours.
NORMAN
What are you talking about?
HAL
She found your diary. You're in tremendous trouble.
NORMAN
My what? You must be kidding.
SHEILA
It's your name.
NORMAN
Oh Jesus, Sheila. There must be a hundred Norman Pollacks in the phone book.
SHEILA
This is your handwriting.
NORMAN
Lots of people dot their i's with little circles.
SHEILA
There's a snapshot of you and Jenny with your hands on her breasts.
NORMAN
That's the only real piece of evidence you have.
SHEILA
(reads from diary)
I can no longer suppress the torrid feelings I have for Sheila's sister. Making love with Jenny is an ecstasy I have never experienced with anyone else.
SANDY
If you're ever in Nutley …
NORMAN
How did you find it?
HAL
When we bought the place I knew about the safe.
SANDY
Shut up, Hal.
NORMAN
You told her about it?
HAL
How did I know you were knocking off Jenny?
NORMAN
Now, Sheila, before you jump to any conclusions …
HAL
Norman, you don't get it—this is the smoking gun.
SANDY
Will you shut up, Hal?
SHEILA
(reads from diary)
I secretly slid my hand under her skirt as the four of us sat on the lawn at Tanglewood under the moonlight. For a moment I thought Sheila noticed—
HAL
Does it say what else happens?
NORMAN
Would you stay out of this!?
SHEILA
Today Jenny pretended she was a little girl and I slapped her rear end. She found it very erotic and we made love.
HAL
If I could just see the diary for a minute.
SANDY
Hal, butt out.
JENNY
(enters)
Norman—I accidentally let the fire go out in the barbecue.
SHEILA
Oh, “I accidentally let the fire go out in the barbecue”? Well, aren't you a bad little girl. Norman's going to have to give you another spanking.
JENNY
(doesn't get it)
What?
NORMAN
She found my diary.
JENNY
Your what?
SHEILA
(reading)
Today Jenny and I met at her place and made love in the same bed she shares with David.
JENNY
You keep a diary?
NORMAN
It was completely hidden. Till he told her where to find it.
HAL
How was I to know you were banging him? I innocently showed her the safe.
JENNY
Why in hell would you keep a diary?
HAL
They're very useful for tax purposes.
SANDY
Well—I'm sure you'll work things out—now, if you'll excuse—
SHEILA
Like hell—you stay right here—you're witnesses.
HAL
Witnesses? Is something gonna happen where you need witnesses?
SHEILA
How long have you two been cheating?
NORMAN
I'd hardly call a few rendezvous cheating.
SHEILA
(looking in diary)
According to this you had sexual relations four times on President's Day alone.
NORMAN
Well, yes, because Washington and Lincoln's birthdays are celebrated together.
HAL
I don't see what the big deal is here. Everybody in suburbia cheats.
SANDY
They do?
SHEILA
(reading diary)
Where did you learn those positions?
JENNY
Pilates.
HAL
(laughing at her joke too hard)
Did you hear that—
SANDY
I heard her, I heard her. We lived in suburbia—right here in fact—I hope you didn't cheat, because I didn't.
HAL
Of course I wouldn't.
SANDY
Then why would you say something like that?
HAL
I was generalizing.
SANDY
Never with Holly?
HAL
Holly Fox? Gimme a break. Because she was an actress?
SANDY
Exactly—because you always insisted she wasn't so beautiful, but on several occasions you said her name in your sleep.
HAL
You're projecting because you always had a little crush on her brother.
SANDY
Believe me, if I wanted Ken Fox I would have had no problem.
HAL
Meaning what?
SANDY
Meaning he hit on me once a week for a year but I fended him off.
HAL
Well, this is the first I'm hearing about that.
SHEILA
How long have you two been having this tempestuous affair?
NORMAN
(simultaneously with Jenny)
Not long.
JENNY
Three years.
NORMAN
Six months.
JENNY
A year.
NORMAN
And a half.
JENNY
Not long.
NORMAN
There was a lot of downtime.
SHEILA
How could you do it, you're my sister!
JENNY
What can I say, we fell in love.
NORMAN
It wasn't love, it was pure sex.
JENNY
You said it was love.
NORMAN
I never actually used that word—I said I “care” for you— I “miss” you—I “need” you—I “can't live without you” —but not love.
SHEILA
All this time you've been sharing my bed you've been sleeping with Jenny.
NORMAN
Can I help it if she seduced me?
JENNY
I seduced you?
NORMAN
Three years ago I walked into her lingerie shop—to buy you a present—I found something that looked nice—I asked if it would fit you—she said she was about your size, she'd try it on—I could see it—we both went into the changing booth— she slipped into it—
HAL
Into what?
NORMAN
A thong—she was wearing a thong.
SANDY
(to Hal)
Will you butt out.
HAL
I'm trying to follow the narrative.
SANDY
You find her attractive, don't you?
SHEILA
You too?
HAL
What?
SANDY
I heard you ask Sheila if her sister was a model—and you've been champing at the bit to get your hands on that diary.
HAL
Can I help it if I'm an inadvertent participant in this all-toohuman drama?
SHEILA
(handing him diary)
Here—you appreciate literature—
HAL
I really don't—
(Has accepted diary and becomes riveted by it.)
SANDY
Oh go ahead, Hal, take it. I'm sure you'll find the details of her sexual activities gratifying.
HAL
(leafing through book)
Well, maybe to—uh—uh—
SANDY
Let's say to a live male under ninety.
HAL
Gee, Sandy, I only wish you were half as adventurous as she is.
SANDY
Over my dead body.
HAL
I'm not discussing our sex life.
SANDY
I'm sorry if I disappoint you.
HAL
Look, we've been through it … I'm only saying, if you were willing to experiment once in a while …
SANDY
If by experimenting you mean a threesome with Holly Fox.
HAL
Well, what is your idea of an experiment?
SANDY
I don't think about experimenting. We're making love, not working on a science grant.
SHEILA
You always read about those perverted dentists who have sex with their unconscious patients during root canal.
NORMAN
I'm not a perverted dentist. I'm a perverted orthodontist—you never got that straight. Look, I take full responsibility. If you have to blame someone, blame me.
SHEILA
Who the hell do you think I'm blaming?
DAVID
(emerges from den)
Tiger Woods just bogeyed a hole.
HAL
So did Norman.
DAVID
It's very exciting.
SHEILA
Join us, David, we have something to show you.
DAVID
Can't it wait?
SHEILA
I don't know, it's very hot.
JENNY
Stop being so vicious.
SHEILA
Come sit with me for a moment, David.
HAL
Quick, Sandy—do you have our camcorder?
SANDY
It's in the car.
SHEILA
Read this diary, David—see if you recognize any of the protagonists.
DAVID
(taking diary)
What is this? Tiger Woods is going to set a record.
NORMAN
Let the man enjoy his golf. This doesn't concern him.
HAL
Oh, Norman—he's bound to have some marginal interest.
(David reads.)
SHEILA
What do you think, David—recognize the lead characters?
HAL
Of course he does.
DAVID
The people?
SHEILA
Yes, the married woman called Jenny and the dentist.
DAVID
The married woman, Jenny? Where would I recognize her from?
SHEILA
Try breakfast.
DAVID
What is this, some silly piece of porn? Why should I read it, I'm watching the U.S. Open.
SHEILA
You're married to the U.S. Open.
NORMAN
Jenny—
SHEILA
Norman!
NORMAN
Sheila.
DAVID
What? What am I missing?
HAL
Can I give him a hint?
SANDY
Will you keep out.
HAL
I can't believe he can't get it.
SHEILA
You find it a coincidence the man's name is Norman and the woman's is Jenny?
DAVID
No—why?
SHEILA
Your wife's name is Jenny, my husband's name is Norman.
DAVID
So?
SANDY
This guy's a doctor?
SHEILA
You recognize the two people in this photo?
NORMAN
Sheila—
HAL
I've heard of denial—
DAVID
Yes—that's your husband with some woman.
SHEILA
Uh-huh—you see Norman's tongue?
DAVID
Yes.
SHEILA
Where is it?
DAVID
In his mouth.
SHEILA
The other end.
DAVID
In this woman's ear.
SHEILA
And his hands?
DAVID
(studies photo)
Hmmm—Norman, is this some new dental procedure?
SHEILA
And you don't recognize the woman?
DAVID
She's definitely familiar.
SHEILA
Shall I give you a clue?
JENNY
I can't stand this.
SHEILA
Remember how years ago you met a young woman at a dinner party and you hit it off and began dating?
DAVID
Yes—and we both loved Tolstoy and French films and sailing— and I married her—Jenny—so what is your point? That the woman in the diary—in the photo—resembles Jenny? That the woman resembles Jenny? That the woman resembles Jenny? That the woman resembles Jenny? That the woman—that the woman's Jenny—it's Jenny—I got it—I got it.
HAL
I'd never let this guy do my plastic surgery.
JENNY
&nbs
p; You're so cruel, Sheila.
DAVID
(stunned)
This is you—you're her—she's you—she's who you are—
JENNY
David, try and understand—apart from the sex it was platonic.
HAL
What is the problem here? If she can discuss Tolstoy and foreign films and also does all this you've hit the jackpot.
SANDY
You have a thing for her—I felt that right off.
HAL
All I'm saying is that in addition to a cultivated wife and good mother it's nice if you go to bed each night with a real freak.
SANDY
I don't believe I'm hearing this.
DAVID
I'm stunned—I'm stupefied. I didn't even know—who is the guy again?
SHEILA
Norman—Norman—right here.
NORMAN
Oh stop it, Sheila. I've been having an affair with Jenny.
DAVID
Jenny—a woman with the same name as my wife?
SHEILA
The trauma's too much.
DAVID
A love affair?
HAL
This guy kills me—what other kind of affair is there?
DAVID
But that means Norman and Jenny are sleeping with each other.
JENNY
Yes, David, we slept together—but if it's any consolation, there was very little foreplay.
SHEILA
That sounds like Norman.
DAVID
But he's my brother-in-law and she's my wife. And who are the people in the picture?
SHEILA
He's lost it.
DAVID
Excuse me.
(Exits.)
HAL
If he's going to see Tiger Woods now, that's what I call a sports fan.
SHEILA
Of course this means a divorce.
JENNY
Sheila, I may have cheated physically, but mentally I've been a loyal sibling.
SHEILA
Sibling? How dare you? You're no longer my sister. From this moment on, the most you could ever be to me is a niece.
NORMAN
Sheila, Sheila … how can I make this up to you?
SHEILA
The firm of Rifkin and Abramowitz will let you know.
DAVID
(enters with rifle)
And now—prepare to die.
JENNY
David!
NORMAN
All right, let's not play games. That's a loaded shotgun.
DAVID
Back off, Norman! Back off! Everybody in this room is going to die and then I'm putting the barrel in my mouth and squeezing the trigger.
HAL
(looks at watch)
Oh, is it six already? We have tickets to Mamma Mia !
DAVID
Not so fast, I said everybody.
HAL
We just drove up to see the house.
JENNY
David, you have that look in your eye.
DAVID
First you and Norman, then Sheila.
SHEILA
Why me? What the hell did I do? I got cheated on like you.
DAVID
You found the diary.
SHEILA
He showed me where.
DAVID
Believe me, he's going too.
SANDY
We're innocent bystanders.
DAVID