by ChaShiree M.
“Duuuuun,” is the last I remember before waking up in his arms on the floor, covered in the dinner we never made. Kissing my head, he slowly takes my mouth, his eyes never leaving mine. I read so much in them and try to convey how I feel with mine. That was a great night. I thought we would have those nights forever.
Crap. Why do I do this to myself? I think as I put body wash on my sponge. As it grazes my nipple, I hiss, the sensitivity too much. My body tingles remembering how the shower was our favorite place. I loved the way his hands felt as he rubbed every inch of me, the soap making them slick and...no, Lani, stop it. If you are ever going to move on, you have to stop this. It’s over. You have your baby to think about now. With that thought, I get out of the shower, dry off and get into some clothes. Walking out of the room, as I enter the elevator, I feel both heavy and light. I guess it is going to take some time. “Good morning, Lalani. I trust you slept well.”
“Good morning Flora. Yes, I did thank you.”
“Excellent. Why don’t you go and have some breakfast, and then Sandra will be down in about an hour to take to the uniform room and for the next day you will follow her around as she shows you the ropes. How does that sound?”
“That sounds great.”
“Good. well enjoy your breakfast.”
“Thank you.” Breakfast is delicious and if the quieting of my stomach is any indication, the baby agrees. By the time I am finished, a woman named Sandra walks to me and immediately I know I am going to like her.
“Hey hun. I’m Sandra. Flora says you are going to be my shadow for the next few days. No worries, we are going to have fun,” she says putting her arm through mine.
The rest of the day goes by quickly and by the time I make it back to my room I am exhausted. “Ok little blip. How about we sleep for an hour before we get dinner.” I lay my head on the pillow and give thanks that at least for now, we have a place to stay and I have a way to support us. Now, I just have to figure out school. “Don’t worry. Even without your dad we are going to be ok. Hope my heart is one day as well.”
Chapter Four
Lailani
One Week Later
Ugh. This baby is already giving me a hard time. Every morning for the past few days I have been running to the toilet leaning over it. Luckily, nothing has been coming out, but I guess the point is to let me know I am no longer in charge. “Blip, I thought we had an understanding. I take care of you and you be good.” I rub my stomach and begin getting dressed for the morning. The past week has been good. I got the hang of the job and am now taking on my own two floors. I work six-hour day and the rest of the day is for me. I have begun researching information on scholarships and different programs. Today, after my shift, I have an appointment with Gladys from the library. She works in the community department and I was told she is the person to talk to if you need information on resources. Bzzz. Bzzz. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I look at it but I don’t need to. For the last few months, Phillipa has been calling me, begging me to tell her where I am. It’s not that I don’t want my best friend to know where to find me, I don’t want her in the middle. The less information she knows, then she is not betraying her husband by keeping secrets from him. I would never do anything to put my friend in a situation. “Hi bestie. How is the growing belly?” I try to always keep the conversation light and make it about her, but it never works. She is more than determined and stubborn.
“The belly is fine. Not getting big yet, thank goodness. How is yours?”
“Making itself known now and not the most appealing way.” I say scowling as the memory of me over the toilet not even thirty minutes ago.
“How is work going?” she asks. This is how she builds up to the location.
“I am still learning the ropes, but it is fine. I am excited though that I have an appointment with the lady that runs the community center at the library. She is going to give me information on scholarships and programs to help single moms who are trying to go to school.”
“That is amazing, Lani. I just… I don’t understand why you just won’t come back home. Cord and I will be more than happy to help you anyway you can. We would even do our best to keep Dun away from you if it is what you want. Just come home.” This is why I love her. Loyalty has always been at the top of the list for us.
“I love you, Phillipa, but no, you know I cannot do that.”
“Fine...at least tell me where you are.” See persistent.
“You know I am not going to do that. But I love you.” I hear her sigh and her voice get emotional. I feel horrible, but I have to do this on my own.
“I love you too. I am here if you need me, Lani.”
“I know and that is more than enough.” Hanging up, it takes me a second to get myself together, before I finally get dressed and out the door. The walk to the library is not too long but long enough for me to once again go over everything in my mind. The difference between the other times I have done it and this one, is that now, I have some direction. Some hope. A plan. Opening the library door, I am immediately filled with warmth. Something about being surrounded by books is comforting. “Hi, my name is Lailani Moore. I have an appointment with Gladys.” I say once I make it to the desk.
“Yes, please. Hold on a moment.” She walks away from the desk. I walk around for a while, looking at things.
“Miss Moore?”
“Yes. hello. Thank you so much for meeting with me today.”
“It’s a pleasure. Please, follow me. So, tell me what you are looking for by way of assistance?”
“Well, I am going to be a single mom once this little blip is born and I just want to be ready to provide a life for us. I want to be able to do more than just survive.” I think that is the first time I have expressed that out loud to anyone.
“Well darling, I will certainly do my best. Any ideas on what you want to go into?” This is the question I have asked myself over and over. I know what I used to want to do, but now, in this situation I have found myself in, I have a bit more direction.
“Yes, I would like to be a caseworker. I believe I could be of some help to those in need.”
“That is an excellent idea and admirable profession. It just so happens we have quite a few scholarships available and some classes opening up next month actually at the local community college. Would you like to sign up for a meeting with the advisor?”
“Please. Yes. That would be amazing.” I take a deep breath looking forward to the future ahead.
“I am assuming you are going to be needing childcare as well.”
“Yes, that would be correct.”
“Well, when you get closer to the date, we will tackle that. What do you think?”
“I agree. Thank you so much.” When I walk out of the building, I have tons of brochures, business cards of people I should contact and more than hope. So why is there still a bit of an ache?
Chapter Five
Lailani
Three Months Later
I have never been so exhausted in my life. Even when I was sixteen years old, going to high school full-time and working full-time trying to support myself and my mom, I wasn’t this tired. However, being sixteen weeks pregnant, working and going to school, is harder than anything. I find myself barely making it out of bed in the morning. The one thing that keeps me going is knowing I am working to make a better life for myself and little peanut. I smile rubbing my stomach, as I grab all of my stuff to get ready for class. No one can tell yet that I am pregnant, it's barely the size of a soccer ball, but I can tell. I can definitely see the difference in my body and feel it. Everything about me is different. My breasts are bigger and so sensitive, so sensitive in fact, that all it takes is a pinch or two, a vision of him on top of and I am flying high. Yea, that sensitive.
When I look in the mirror, I barely recognize my body. My abdomen is expanding, widening my hips. When I went to the doctor a few days ago for my check up and ultrasound, she asked me if I wanted to know. I fou
nd myself about to look for my phone to ask him if he wanted to know, and then I remembered that he has nothing to do with this. I am doing this alone. So, I looked at her and said yes. I want to know if I am carrying my son or daughter under my heart. It doesn’t matter to me which, but I want to be able to find joy in thinking of names. She looked into her monitor and told me I was having a boy; I couldn’t help but feel sad and happy. I am sad for the little baby boy who may never know his father. Well, at least not in a be there everyday sort of way. But happy for me because it’s my baby. I find myself rubbing it all day, wondering what he is going to look like. Is he going to have Dun’s charcoal colored hair and blue eyes? Or will he have my chocolate colored hair and gray-ish gold eyes? Will he have my heart and his father's persistence?
Looking at my clock, I realize I am going to be late if I don’t get out of la-la land and get moving. Today I have an exam in my critical thinking class and I barely got any sleep studying for it. Walking down the street, I watch as mother’s take their babies, strolling down the sidewalk, strollers rolling in front of them so happy and serene. I wonder how many of them are doing it alone. Can you still be so happy and at peace being a single mom?
Walking into the building, I put it all out of my mind and focus on the endgame. Passing this test and passing in life. “Good afternoon class,” my professor says. “I take everyone has prepared for today?” We all nod our heads, anxious to get it over with. “Good. The tests are going around. As soon as you get it, you may start. When you are finished, turn it in, and you may go. There will be no class today.” Thank God, I can’t help but think. That means since it is my day off, I can go home and grab a nap before dinner.
I have no idea how long the test takes me, I don’t bother looking at the clock, but all I know is how happy I am when I turn it in and walk out the building. I decide to take the long way back today, needing more time in the sunshine and fresh air. I love walking through the park, somedays, watching all the children laugh and play as they swing and run and just enjoy being children. I want that for him, my peanut. That is what all this work is for. To give him a childhood where he has to worry about nothing but being a kid. One who is loved and cherished. He will be my focus in life. Everything will be for him. Bzzz. I answer it without even looking. No need. No one has this number but Phillipa. “Hey hun.” I answer trying to sound happy and unfazed.
“Hi. How are you? How is everything?”
“Everything is great. Just got done from taking this test for school. Decided to take a walk through the park before going back to nap.”
“I bet. Being pregnant is really draining.” she replies laughing.
“Girl, no shit.” I say leaning back on the park bench. “Speaking of bellies, how's yours?”
“She is fine, busy. I swear it's like she is taking an aerobics class in there.” she groans. But I can also hear the happiness. “Have you started feeling anything yet?” I smile, looking down at the little pouch.
“Yes. I can feel him moving around in there. I think it is finally becoming more than flutters. I was getting out of the shower the other day and I swear I saw a little movement when I was looking in the mirror.”
“Wait...did you say he? You're having a boy!” she screams in my ear. “That is so wonderful, Lani. OMG!” I shake my head, giggling. “Will you please tell me where you are. His auntie would like to mail him something.” Her calling herself his auntie almost made me cry.
“Phillipa…”
“No. Stop it. It has been long enough. Tell me something Lani.” I sigh knowing she is right. How long can I keep this up? However, I am not ready to give her everything. So, I give her something basic.
“Fine. I am in Tennessee. That is all I am willing to tell you right now. Okay?”
“Fine,” she sulks. “For now.”
“Alright, well I need to sleep. I love you,” I tell her as I am putting my key into the lock.
“I love you too, Lani. I am here if you need me.”
“I know.” We hang up and I lay in the bed realizing I didn’t make her promise not to tell him. It’s probably because I really hope she does.
Chapter Six
Lailani
Ugh. Rolling over I see the sun is out and all I want to do is rollover and go back to sleep. I had a hard time sleeping last night and now it seems I am going to have an even harder time waking up. Yesterday after I finished speaking with Phillipa, I napped like I said I would but when I got up, I still felt restless and tired. I ate, studied, talked to some coworkers, and read a bit, but nothing worked. I was unsettled. Then it hit me, now that Phillipa has the state I am in, if he wanted to find me, a min with his resources could. The thing that kept me...tossing and turning, was if he would even look. Would he come for me? Does he even care? I know Phillipa says he asks about me and if she knows where I am all the time, but does he really care? Or is he just saving face in front of them? The biggest question is, what would I do if he did show up?
I don’t know how much time I spend staring out of the window, but when I look at my clock I groan once again. Today is one of my busier days. On Monday and Thursdays, I work from eight to ten, class from ten thirty to one, work from two to four, class again from five to seven, then eat and sleep. Yes, I know. I am crazy, but I am also determined and as tired as I am, I am finally working toward my goal. Ok. Time to get up. Pushing myself, I go do my morning routine, put on my uniform, and walk downstairs. I giggle as I was through the lobby, little peanut fussing at me to feed him. “Come on little man, let’s go eat.”
Work goes by pretty fast, and so does the first class. When I get back to the room to change back into my uniform, I note there is a note from Flora telling me Sherry needed the extra shift and since she knew today was my busy day, she gave my second shift to her. If it were any other day, I would be disappointed, but today, it is perfect. Having a bit more time, I go downstairs for lunch and decide I am going to take advantage of the situation and have a midday nap. Hopefully, I can think of something that won’t keep me up. Setting my alarm, I lay down and pass out.
“Mmm. Good morning baby,” he says kissing the side of my neck.
“Good morning,” I reply turning over on my back to look in his eyes. I love morning best, when we have been cocooned together all night after hours of lovemaking, only to wake up and the euphoria hasn’t worn off. When I wake up in his arms in the morning and see the adoration and love in his eyes, I can’t help, but feel warm and safe.
“Always so fucking beautiful,” he whispers right before his mouth lands on mine. Moaning, I put my arms around his neck and spread my legs, needing to feel him moving inside of me. I have never felt complete in my life, until the day he made me his. “You need me baby?” he asks, his mouth barely leaving mine.
“Yes,” I manage to say before he slides inside of me. The mornings are always slow and beautiful.
“So fucking wet, baby. You feel that? You feel how deep inside of you I am? Shit, you're still so damn tight.” His mouth kissing all over my face before sucking one of my nipples into his mouth.
“Dun!”
“Say it again, Lani. Tell me who makes you feel like this.”
“You, Dun. Only you,” I say rocking back and forth, whimpering, my arms squeezing him, not wanting to let him go. He stops suddenly, moving my hair off my forehead. His beautiful green eyes, stare into mine, emotion as plain as day. He rubs his nose against mine before kissing me, softly and slowly, tender even. I close my eyes, basking in the feeling of belonging to someone. Feeling like I am not in it by myself.
“I love you.” he says, his eyes never leaving mine. I look into his, waiting for a hint of...something, but all I see is love. I feel the tears, but don't bother hiding them since they are because of happiness. I smile and tell him what is in my heart too.
“I love you, too,” is all I say before grabbing his ass, telling him to move without using words. The words we just exchanged, make this moment so much more. He lifts m
y legs, wrapping them around his waist, allowing him to sink deeper inside of me. I feel him hitting that spot inside of me, that sends fireworks through my body. Wrenching my mouth from his, I yell, letting him know I am almost there.
“Oh god. Dun…” I say moving faster and faster, racing toward the finish line.
“Fuck baby. You hear how wet you are. I love how you flood all over my cock right before you come. Say it, Lani. Say I,.” he grunts as his tempo begins to get faster. I don’t need him to tell me what words, I know.
“I love you, Dun. I love you.”
“I love you too, baby. Come with me.” we go over together, yelling and grunting as we both release the passion we feel for one another. He rolls over, pulling me to lay on top of him. “How you feeling, baby?” he asks, rubbing my back as I drape myself across his chest.
“Happy.”
“Good.”
“I would never have believed a month ago, this is where I would be.”
“Well I…” he begins to say when another voice comes from the front room.
“Dun, son are you here?” He jackknifes off the bed, throwing his clothes on.
“I’m sorry baby. I told her she is no longer free to come and go as she pleases. Let me go and get rid of her.” He leaves the room and I can’t help but feel a bit...I’m not sure but suddenly I feel not so good. It could be because we have been together for a month, but I have never met his mother. Now to be fair, I can hardly be upset. Whenever he has asked me anything about my family, I change the subject or find ways to distract him. Not hearing anything, I guess she must be gone, so I walk to the door.
“Darling, we have put the wedding off long enough. It is time to get started. I know about your little...dalliance, dear. Laurie understands that men sometimes need to take a deep on the bottom end. But really, Dunbar, don’t you think it has been long enough?” oh god. I think clutching my stomach. It can’t be true. There is no way the man that has become everything to me and has treated me like his everything, is engaged to someone else. I mean, with all the time we spend together, where would he find the time. Deciding it must be a mistake, I listen, waiting for him to deny it, but he never says anything. I feel my whole life falling and crashing around me. Knowing I need to go before I lose it; I throw my clothes on and grab everything I can carry in my arms. Determined to leave with my head held high, I walk out the room only to find he is walking toward me with no sign of his mom.