Risking It All

by Melissa Stevens

  “You’ll have your phone with you, just in case?” Warren stepped out of the kitchen into view, a dishtowel in his hands.

  “I will.” Nancy’s back was to her brother but she rolled her eyes for Thorne to see before turning to Warren. “Do I ever go anywhere without my phone? Besides, are you insinuating that the big strong police detective can’t handle a few kids?”

  “It’s not for the kids.” Warren scowled. “It’s in case you need it.” He shot Thorne a look over Nancy’s shoulder. “It’s nothing against you, but I want her to at least have a backup plan.”

  Thorne held up his hands in a sign of surrender. “I’m all for her having her phone. I don’t even know what’s planned.”

  Warren turned his scowl back on Nancy. “You haven’t told him?”

  She shrugged. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

  Warren shook his head and turned back toward the kitchen, he muttered something under his breath that sounded surprisingly like ‘damned women.’ Nancy turned back to Thorne.

  “Let me just grab a couple things then we can go. You want to drive or should I grab my keys?”

  “You can drive. You seem to have this all planned out.”

  “I do.” She shot him a mischievous smile before disappearing up the stairs.

  An hour later they sat at a corner table in one of the nicer restaurants in town. Nancy had scooted her chair around to sit beside him rather than across the table.

  “What brought this on?” Thorne asked. They’d ordered and now waited for their food.

  “I thought it was time. You’ve been great about doing things with the kids around, I really appreciate it. But I thought it was time we had some time to ourselves, not chaperoned by a couple hundred students that could pop into the room at any moment.”

  Thorne leaned back in his seat and watched Nancy for a moment. When he spoke, his voice had gone soft and low.

  “Thank you.” He reached over and took her hand, squeezing it for just a moment before lowering it, they both rested in the small gap between where their legs barely kept from brushing against one another.

  “I also thought we needed some time away from everyone, from the listening ears at the house and school to talk.”

  His stomach leapt. It wasn’t the best lead in, but that didn’t mean whatever she wanted to say was bad. If she was wanting to break up with him, if that was even the right term, then she wouldn’t have dressed up and brought him some where nice. That could be handled in a couple minutes on her front porch.

  “All right.”

  “Not going to ask what I want to talk about?”

  “You’ll tell me when you’re ready.” He squeezed he hand again.

  She squeezed back. Another sign she wasn’t going to kick him to the curb. If she was done with him she wouldn’t have let him take her hand.

  Nancy sipped her water, looked up toward the ceiling then spoke again. “You know I trust you, right?”

  “It was a bit presumptuous, but I assumed as much when you let me around the kids for more than short bursts.”

  “Good, because I do. I want to make that clear.”

  “All right.” He tilted his head to one side as he tried to figure out what she was getting to.

  She took a deep breath. “This is harder than I thought it would be.”

  “Take your time, we’ve got as long as Warren’s willing to stay with the kids.”

  “That’s part of it. I just have to let him know and he’ll stay all night. If that’s what I want.”

  Thorne did a double take as his breath caught in his chest. He had to close his eyes and take a deep breath.

  “Are you sure?”

  “I think so. I mean it’s been a long time.” She shook her head. “It’s been more than ten years since I dated anyone. I don’t know what’s expected anymore.”

  “Let me stop you right there for a second.” He waited till she looked at him to continue. “This is between you and me, not anyone else, so all that matters is how the two of us feel. My only expectation is that things move at your pace. I won’t push you into something you’re not ready for.”

  “Thank you.” She took another deep breath and closed her eyes. This couldn’t be easy for her. He couldn’t imagine what she had to be feeling. “It’s not that I don’t want to, or that I’m not ready. I’m battling my own insecurities.”

  “It’s all right.” He released her hand to cup her cheek. “I won’t lie to you. I want you. I want more. But I knew things would go slowly. I know you are still dealing with a loss. Don’t push yourself beyond what you’re comfortable with because you think it’s what I want.”

  “I’ve never felt like you were pushing. That’s part of how you’ve implanted yourself into my life.”

  “Implant? You make me sound like a baby, or a parasite.”

  “The two are oddly similar.” She stuck out her tongue to let him know she was teasing, but he could see what she meant. Once there, both fed off the host, or mother as the case may be. It wasn’t something he’d put together but now that she’d said it, he wasn’t sure she was all that wrong.

  “Anyway, that’s beside the point. My point is you haven’t pushed me. I reached this decision all on my own and it’s my own insecurities telling me I shouldn’t or that I should feel guilty when I don’t.”

  “If you don’t then you don’t. I’m certainly not going to tell you how to feel. But if you want to talk. I’d be happy to listen. I’ve got no experience so I’ll refrain from advice, but I can be here for you. I can listen.”

  “Thank you. I’ve avoided it so far, because no one wants to hear about the people who came before them.”

  Thorne started to stop her there, but the waitress came with their food. He leaned back and let her serve him then waited until she was gone and it was just the two of them again.

  “Nancy, look at me a sec,” he waited until she did, “I am well aware I’m not the first man in your life. I know I’m not your first love and I would never change that.”

  Her brows drew together, and she blinked a little faster.

  “Without Thomas, you wouldn’t be who you are now. You wouldn’t be the person who made me fall in love with her. You wouldn’t have Tommy, the twins, or Jasmine and I love them as much as I love you. None of you would be who you are without him. I know that. I will never try to erase him from your life, I know I can’t replace him. I’m not looking to try. I just want to love you, and the kids, if you’ll let me.”

  Nancy stared at him for a long moment before speaking.

  “Our dinner’s getting cold.” She leaned forward and picked up her fork. “I’m not ignoring you or blowing you off. I had things planned to say and you’ve knocked me a little off kilter.” She set her fork down, cupped his cheek and eased his face closer to hers. When she spoke again, her voice was low, breathy and just loud enough for him to hear. “I love you too, but I’m not sure what comes next, not yet. Can you give me a few minutes?”

  “Sure.”

  “Thank you.”

  Normally he’d call her on the thank you, but he let that one slide. Instead, he dropped a quick kiss on her lips and turned to his food. She would tell him when she was ready.

  Chapter 21

  Nancy focused on her meal, trying to ignore the tightness in her chest. Thorne’s words had circled in her head for the last twenty minutes. Being able to stop worrying about not feeling guilty was a huge weight off her shoulders, but it did nothing to help with her nerves.

  As it turned out, confession was good for the soul. She’d heard the adage for years but never had reason to believe it until now. Or maybe it was just Thorne who was good for her soul.

  Over the last few months she’d found herself wanting to spend more time with him, thinking of him at odd moments and until the last few weeks, she’d not really understood why. After they’d started spending more time with him, she couldn’t help but notice she’d been more patient with the kids, not as easily fr
ustrated by little things. It made a big difference when dealing with small children. Hell, she’d admit it made a big difference when dealing with teenagers and even full grown adults.

  “Can I get you anything else? Some dessert maybe?” their waitress, a young woman in a pressed white shirt and black bow tie stopped beside their table.

  Nancy turned to Thorne, only to find him watching her.

  “Want anything?”

  “I’m stuffed.” She shook her head.

  “We’re good, thanks,” he said to the waitress, who promised she’d be right back with the check, and hurried off.

  “What’s the plan?” Thorne didn’t look at her as he asked.

  “What do you mean?” Nancy frowned.

  “Here you are.” The waitress set the ticket on the table. Nancy took it before Thorne had a chance. This date was her idea, she would be paying. She tucked a card into the portfolio, and set it on the edge of the table to be picked up. She had to give him credit. Thorne didn’t argue about her paying the tab, a plus in her book.

  Once the waitress had picked it up and disappeared again she looked at Thorne.

  “What was that?”

  “I asked what the plan was. This whole thing is your plan, so I’m asking what’s next.”

  “Give me a minute, okay?”

  “Sure.”

  Nancy waited until she’d signed the ticket, and they’d gotten into the car before she spoke of it again.

  “Can we go to your place? I’d like to talk, maybe a little more. That’s difficult with the kids around.”

  “Sure. You’re welcome at my place. The kids too, but my apartment is a little small for all of us.” He gave her a half-teasing smile. “I’d love to have you.” His tone was more serious this time. “Do you need directions?”

  “I know where it is, but I’d like to make a stop first. You want anything to drink?”

  “I’m good. I’ve got some beer at my place, if that’s what you’re after.”

  Nancy shook her head. Beer was good, but not what she needed tonight.

  Half an hour later, they sat on the sofa in Thorne’s apartment. Nancy held a glass with a half inch of amber liquid in one hand as she looked around. She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting but it wasn’t this.

  Thorne didn’t live in the typical bachelor pad. He had real furniture, that didn’t match exactly but coordinated, and looked like they’d been chosen to go together. The painting on one wall had colors from the furniture, the pillows, and rug, seeming to pull the whole thing together. On one wall hung a huge TV and on another was nearly wall to wall bookshelves, filled to overflowing with books of all kinds. The place was a little messy but felt more lived in than dirty.

  “Want me to turn something on to watch?”

  “No. If you do, I’ll let myself get distracted and I won’t say what I need to say.”

  “How about some music? Would that help you to relax or only distract you more?”

  “Music would be good. Something instrumental if you have it.”

  “Classical or modern?”

  “Either is fine.”

  He picked up a remote and hit buttons she didn’t bother paying attention too, and in seconds the sound of an energetic orchestra played softly through the room. She couldn’t help but be grateful he’d kept the volume low. She took a sip from the tumbler. The cinnamon flavored whiskey burned its way down her throat and settled a warm pool in her belly. The music had been playing less than a minute before she realized where she knew it from. She took another sip from her whiskey and turned to Thorne.

  “Have you seen the movie this came from?”

  “I have.”

  “What did you think?”

  She knew she was making small talk, but she wanted to give the whiskey a few minutes to sooth her nerves before she got to what she really wanted to talk about.

  “I liked it. I thought they set it up to have a sequel but they never put out a second.”

  “They planned for five sequels actually. But the movie didn’t make as much as they anticipated in the theaters, so they scrapped the rest.”

  “You must have liked it.”

  “I did but what makes you say so?”

  “Because only someone who really likes a film knows enough about it to know details like that.”

  She gave him a half smile. “I didn’t just like it, I loved it. I wish they’d made the others.” She took another sip, closed her eyes and tilted her head back. The warmth was reaching her fingertips and the tightness in her chest relaxed.

  “I’ve been thinking about this a while.” Nancy didn’t lift her head or even open her eyes as she began to talk. “The longer I thought about it the more guilty I felt. Not because I felt like I was cheating, but because I didn’t feel that way.” She opened one eye and turned her head to look at Thorne. “Does that make any sense?”

  “You feel bad that you don’t feel guilty for moving on?”

  “You do understand.” She closed her eye again. “I was afraid it would sound stupid. But that’s not what this is.” She raised her glass.

  “What made that change?”

  “Warren.” She sat back up and took a deep breath and another sip. “He said something at Thanksgiving that made me start thinking a little differently.”

  Thorne frowned a moment, he seemed to be trying to decide what to say next.

  “If it’s not the worry about not feeling guilty, what’s that about?” He nodded toward her glass.

  She looked at the glass, the whisky level was less than half what she’d poured.

  “This is for nerves.” She threw back what was left, as if it was a shot, downing it in one swallow.

  Thorne gave her a long blink. “I’m not pushing. We can wait until you’re ready.”

  “I am ready. It’s just been a long time, and not only since I dated. I just wanted something to help me relax a little. To take off the edge of my uncertainty.”

  “If you’re not sure, then we should wait.”

  “I’m sure. Don’t doubt that I know what I want, I just can’t seem to keep my brain from asking every single what if it can come up with and trying to tell me I’m wrong and I should feel guilty that I care for you. It keeps telling me if I really loved Thomas then I can’t care for you. But I know better. I know I can love you and still love him. One does not take from the other.” She fell quiet a moment, gathering her thoughts. “Can you live with my still loving him?” Nancy didn’t look at him. She didn’t want to see the rejection in his eyes.

  Thorne picked up her hand, but stayed silent. After a moment or two he used the tip of one finger under her chin to turn her face toward him.

  “I never expected anything else.” He gave that a moment to sink in. “I knew from the beginning I wouldn’t be the only one in your heart. It’s not a competition. I love who you are now. You wouldn’t be that person without having loved him first.”

  Her shoulders dropped as the last of the worry she’d been harboring fled. Her gaze still locked with his, she lifted her hand to cup his cheek and draw him closer. The musky, fresh scent she’d come to associate with him filled her senses as she leaned in and pressed her mouth to his.

  Something fluttered in her chest. She gave in to the urge to lean closer. Nancy poured all the loneliness and longing she’d felt for the last two years into that kiss.

  When her senses were totally overwhelmed, she broke away, unable to keep from panting as if she’d just run a mile.

  More.

  She needed more of him.

  Her hands fumbled as she tried to unbutton his shirt, until his hands covered hers, stilling them against the hard muscle and soft cotton of his chest.

  “Let me.”

  He unbuttoned his shirt, revealing a white cotton undershirt beneath, then stood to pull the tails out of his jeans. “Come on.” He extended one hand toward her. “Let’s take this somewhere a little more comfortable.” He waited, not saying anything more as she
stared at his hand. It wasn’t until she lifted her gaze to his face that he spoke again. “We can stop any time you say.”

  That wasn’t it. That wasn’t why she hesitated. But it did make her move. Nancy laid her hand in his and let him pull her to his feet. Her hand in his, he led her to the bedroom and guided her to sit on the edge of the bed before taking a step back and shrugging out of his shirt. She didn’t have long to admire him in the snug, sleeveless top as he reached one hand behind his head and pulled the shirt off in one swift move.

  Her hands ached to touch him, to run her fingertips over the smooth looking skin of his chest and stomach. She reached, but he caught her hand in one of his and pulled her to her feet. His fingers smoothed up her arm the skimmed her neck as he tipped her chin up so he could kiss her once more.

  He pulled away and spun her so her back was too him. She didn’t have time to wonder what he was doing before his breath feathered along her neck sending a shiver of need through her.

  “I’ve waited a long time for this.”

  Heat pooled low in her belly as Thorne trailed a line of kisses down her neck and along her shoulder, easing the strap of her dress off her shoulder and out of his way.

  “Can I take this off?” He tugged slightly at the strap of her dress to let her know what he meant. She tried to say something but the words wouldn’t form, so she nodded instead.

  Her dress loosened as he lowered the zipper at her back. Only the other strap held it up. He eased it off and Nancy had a sudden urge to clutch at the dress before it slid away, revealing her imperfect body, the body of a middle aged mom, but she managed to resist. She let the dress slip off and fall to the floor. Thorne ran one hand down her side and spun her back around to face him. He kissed her again before guiding her back to sit on the edge of the bed once more.

  Kneeling, he trailed his hands down one leg, slipping off her sandal before repeating the process with the other then stood. Now she sat on the bed, wearing only her underwear when he turned and walked away. It took Nancy a moment to realize he was only kicking off his shoes, then he came right back. He tugged her to her feet once more and kissed her. The pent up passion and wanting in that kiss, the gentle, caring way he touched her made emotion overwhelm her.