“You couldn’t like me,” She replied in a small voice.
“Why couldn’t I?” He pressed.
“So many reasons,” She sighed, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her palms. “I should have pushed you away. I just wanted a taste; to pretend for a minute.”
“Don’t push me away,” He entreated, drawing closer to her on the floor. “I shouldn’t have pushed but I thought you wanted it, too.”
“But, you see,” She breathed softly. “That’s the problem, I did.”
“I wish you wouldn’t push me away,” He reiterated.
“I have to,” She argued. “You are part of my job and I’ve already done stuff I should be fired for.”
“I don’t want to be a job to you,” He insisted. “I thought maybe being friends would be enough, maybe it still can be. Just don’t tell me I’m just work to you.”
“I’m not sure it matters what we want,” She stated simply. “I can say that you’re more than that to me, I can tell you that when I spend time with you I thought about more too, but it doesn’t mean its possible.”
“If it was just you and me,” He began. “If I was just someone you had met through a friend, would you want to try?”
“I would have asked you out for coffee the minute I laid eyes on you,” She laughed at herself. “Though if I knew our age difference, I would probably have assumed you wouldn’t be interested.”
“Age difference?” It was something that hadn’t occurred to him as an issue.
“Six years,” She replied. “Probably closer to seven than six.”
“I don’t mind,” He shrugged. “I wouldn’t have cared.”
“It doesn’t really matter,” She agreed. “Because whether my being that much older than you bothers you or not, you aren’t someone I am allowed to like.”
“I know how we met could be a problem,” He acceded, coming to sit beside her against the wall. “But maybe how we met is less important than that we did at all.”
“Even if you weren’t someone I’m not allowed to be with,” She said quietly, letting her legs stretch out in front of her. “You aren’t allowed to be with anyone, unless I’m mistaken.”
“It never bothered me before, you know, when I signed that part of the debut contract,” Cheol confessed. “I never thought it would matter. Two years didn’t seem that long and I never had time for a relationship.”
“Two more years?” She cringed at the thought.
“No, it’s something like a year now,” He looked down at his hands in his lap.
“A year really isn’t so long,” Claire tried to reassure him.
“Would you wait for me if I asked you to?” He asked, reaching out to take her cold hand.
“Yes,” She nodded finally starting to feel the chill of her damp clothes again. “But where you and I will be in a year, I don’t know. I think you have enough in your life. In a year you’ll find something else or someone else along the way.”
“You think I’d just forget?” He squeezed her hand, trying to get her to look at him.
“I think you have a career and friends and commitments that are so much more important that whatever this is,” She rolled her head to the side to look up at him.
“We haven’t even had the chance to see what this is,” He protested.
“That’s probably for the best,” She told him, trying to stand up. “I need to get changed at least. I’m getting cold.”
“Right, yeah, I’m sorry,” He got up with her, picking up the wet clothes on the floor as he did. “You’re going to get sick like this.”
“Maybe it would be best if you just went home,” She managed to suggest past the lump in her throat.
“Do you want me to go?” He asked.
“Yes...no...I think you should, but…” Her sentence came out as confused as she felt.
“I don’t want to go home,” He said softly. “I’ll go if you ask me to, but I want to stay.”
“You can’t stay like that,” She gestured towards his still wet clothing. “If you aren’t going, you need to change.”
“Okay, just give me a minute,” He dropped the wet clothes he was holding in front of the washer and grabbed the clothes Claire had pulled out for him earlier. Not bothering to take a shower, he stripped and dried himself off before slipping the dry clothes on. He came out to find Claire waiting for the bathroom with dry clothes for herself. She did the same as him, opting to quickly dry off and change, not wanting to leave him alone or leave the awkward conversation hanging in the air. Letting down her hair to let it dry, she sat on the end of her bed. Cheol took a seat on the nearby loveseat, deciding it was best to leave some space between them.
“I know this is all really complicated,” He began after letting the silence between them hang heavily for a moment. “But I can’t help myself when it comes to liking you.”
“It isn’t just complicated,” She maintained. “It’s against the rules for you and something the company would be more than within their rights to fire me for.”
“They wouldn’t like it,” He agreed.
“I’ve stepped over a line,” She stated. “It would be bad enough if you really were just any student or client I was supposed to work with, but you aren’t.”
“Half of my life belongs to someone else,” He sighed, getting up to pace in the small distance between the window and where he had been seated. “It belongs to the other members of the band, and the company, and all the fans and supporters we have. I’m so grateful for that part of my life and I have worked so hard for it. I sacrificed a lot for it, but I need to have some things that are just me and are just mine. My friends, my family...things I love, maybe I share them with the fans sometimes but they are still my things and mine alone. The members are like family to me, I love every one of them and I share almost every part of my life with them. But I am still me, I need things they can’t give me, I need things that are still just mine.”
“I agree that you deserve a personal life,” She said without hesitation. “But what you do isn’t just going to affect you. Those family-like members need you and they need you in good standing with the company and the fans.”
“I know,” It was a hard admission to make. They weren’t just people he worked with, they relied on him to be the leader, to be the rock and the cover that was always there for them. “I owe them everything I can give them, but I can’t give up absolutely everything for them.”
“Even if this works, even if you and I are somehow meant to be,” She pointed out. “I don’t know if it would be worth it if the worst came to pass. If the fans turn on you, if the company drops you, if your friends hate you for bringing this all down on them.”
“You’re right,” He sighed as he took a seat again. “When I try to imagine my life not performing or without all of the guys...I can’t. I’ve spent so much of my life working on getting to be able to debut, I just can’t see myself doing anything else.”
“You are so gifted at what you do,” She came and sat beside him. “It would kill me to take that away from you.”
“It wouldn’t be you,” He turned to face her. “If something happened I wouldn’t blame you.”
“Everyone else would,” She said without a hint of doubt. “I can’t go behind the back of the other guys. I may just be a temporary teacher, but I care if I do a good job and I care if I hurt them.”
“This isn’t something I could really hide from them,” He assured her. “We share too much, we live together, for me to keep it from them. None of them would say anything to the company and I think most of them would understand. Half of them think you’re the best thing to happen to us in the last six months. They all seem to really enjoy working with you.”
“You can tell them the feeling is mutual,” She smiled at the thought of them. “I can’t do something to hurt them.”
“What if they said it was okay?” He offered. “Not that it’s just up to them but since it could affect them too, I suppose i
t’s only fair.”
“It isn’t just that it could have bad consequences for them,” She pressed. “What if it just makes things weird, if they don’t want me to continue working with them because of it?”
“Everyone likes you,” Cheol reassured her. “I don’t think it would matter to them.”
“I guess I’d like to hear that from them,” She replied with a half smile.
“Yeah, I get that,” He looked down at his hands. “Whatever we are, it doesn’t have to interfere with what you do when you work with the other members.”
“How would you have felt if you were suddenly supposed to have lessons with Wonjungs girlfriend?” She questioned, trying to make him see their perspective. “Would you feel a little awkward about working with her? I mean wouldn’t you wonder just a little if she was, I don’t know, not there for the right reasons?”
“Maybe,” He said after thinking about it for a moment. “But probably only if she got the job because she was with him.”
“I just don’t want them to think they come second,” She shrugged, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “This may not be a career for me or even more than something I do for six months or hopefully a year, but I want to do justice to the job I’ve been given. I can’t give them less because I got distracted. I have to be the person I’m supposed to be for them.”
“You still can be,” He promised, lacing his fingers through hers. “I don’t want to take you away from them. I just want a little piece of you that is mine.”
“I think this is something we should think about,” She suggested, squeezing his hand back. “You should also talk to your friends to test the waters. I don’t want any of us to regret what we do or anyone to resent us for it.”
“Yeah,” He couldn’t disagree with that, there weren’t many people in his life more important than they were to him. Never before had he ever for a moment hesitated in his pursuit of his dream of being an idol and performing for all the fans he loved. Honestly, he knew that there wasn’t much else he could imagine doing with his life after having spent a third of it in training to get to where he was. Yes, it had meant a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice but it had never felt like a sacrifice in the same way as it was now. He couldn’t give up all he had worked for but at some point he wanted to have a life that was his outside of that too. He hadn’t run across anyone or anything before that made him consider that.
Part of him was scared to run down that road and risk what he already had, but a bigger part of him was worried about regretting not having taken that chance and losing something that was irreplaceable. He hadn’t gotten to know her long but he felt like he could spend a lifetime getting to know her and never get bored. She was kind and genuine and funny and she warmed every corner of his heart when she just smiled at him.
“I should start drying the laundry or you’ll never be able to go home,” She pulled her hand free and stood up. Making her way over to the kitchen, she shoved the small pile of wet clothes into the machine and turned it on. Cheol followed behind her, leaning on the counter as he watched her.
“I’m sorry for this,” He shifted his weight on his feet, arms crossed over his chest. “How can I repay you for your hospitality?”
“No need,” She replied, taking a step back. “I couldn’t turn you out into the cold looking like a drowned rat.”
“You could have,” He asserted, taking a step towards her. “I wouldn’t blame you if you had. Especially after the…”
“After the kiss?” She finished for him after he trailed off. “Don’t worry about it. I’m not mad and I won’t hold it against you or something.”
“Can I buy you dinner or something at least?” He offered.
“You don’t have to do that,” She gave him a smile. “But we can order something if you’re hungry. It usually doesn’t take long to get here so you could probably finish before the laundry is done.”
“Yeah, sounds good,” He walked over to his bag to pull out his phone so that he could order something. They looked through her drawer of menus from the various restaurants nearby and picked out some bibimbap and a side of soup they could share to warm up. Claire suggested putting on some music in the apartment as the silence made the space feel too small, too close at the moment. She allowed Cheol to pick the music, setting up a playlist like he often did on his vTube livestreams.
The notes of the first song floated through the apartment. It was something familiar but she couldn’t place it.
“I’ve heard this before, what is it?” She asked him as he took a seat beside her on the loveseat.
“Oh, it’s I Need Somebody,” He replied, adding a few more songs to the music queue.
“You played this a few weeks ago on one of your streams, didn’t you?” She recalled.
“Yeah,” He sat forward excitedly. “You watched it?”
“Yeah, I used to watch them all,” She blushed, but there was no point in pretending she hadn’t.
“You did?” He sat forward with a big grin on his face.
“Yeah, especially before I came over to Korea,” She fidgeted as she elaborated. “I used them as a way of learning a little Korean and sometimes I just had it on to keep me company.”
“Really?” He asked, scooting closer to her. “That’s sweet.”
“It’s silly,” She corrected, cringing at her own admission.
“No, I like the idea,” He insisted, his smile spreading. “I used to keep you company.”
“The songs were always really good,” She complimented, putting a hand on his thigh. “I found a lot of music I like through that. Since I don’t drive, I never listen to the radio. I got a little out of touch with new music.”
“Well I’m glad you enjoyed listening,” He bumped her playfully with his elbow. “Did you ever request something?”
“Yeah, a couple of times,” She admitted with a chuckle.
“Did I ever pick anything you suggested,” He asked, already guessing the answer, given how many requests he would get every episode.
“No,” She shook her head and laughed out loud.
“Sorry,” He laughed with her. “If you think of a song for me, I can try and slip it in next time as one of my songs.”
“I’m sure I could think of something,” She said simply, giving a little shrug. “But you don’t have to do that.”
“What was the last one you requested,” He pressed, not letting her go without giving him something.
“Soldier by Taemin,” She replied, thinking back. “But maybe it isn’t something you’d want to play on there.”
“Oh that’s a good one,” He agreed. “It’s a great song and I’ll definitely play it next time. You’ll listen, won’t you.”
“I can,” She scrunched up her nose a little. “You won’t find it a little weird?”
“Nah, I’ll finally get to play the song for you,” He reached up and brushed some of her damp hair over her shoulder.
“You’re sweet, but you don’t have to, you know,” She stated gently. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate it but… I don’t know, I guess it sort of feels like me encroaching on your work, your time with your fans. I don’t want to get in between you and them. And I don’t want it to get awkward.”
“If it’s too much, that’s okay,” He nodded, his smile falling slightly.
“No, I just don’t…” She searched for the words. “Like you said, whatever we decide we are or we aren’t, I want it to be something separate.”
“I guess that seems fair,” He agreed. “Can I…” His voice trailed off and Claire turned to look at him. She made a questioning noise, wondering what he was wanting to ask before she saw his face moving towards hers. He pushed her back into the cushions and snaked an arm behind her back. He pressed his lips against her at the same time he pulled her lower body forward until she was practically horizontal and his body was draped over hers. He licked her lip lightly, begging her to open for him. She did, with a groan, hugging his hips w
ith her thighs. Pressing his advantage, he tasted her like a starving man.
She was surprised by his sudden urgency but felt the electric rush pleasure dance along her nerves from head to toe. His arms molded around her, keeping every possible inch of her in contact with him. His breath was warm and moist as he drew back slightly to catch his breath. He looked into her unfocused eyes and tilted her face to get a better angle before returning to his kiss. His tongue swept against hers and she groaned, matching his movements.
After another minute, he finally pulled back, sliding to lie with her on the loveseat. She melted against him, resting her head on his shoulder as she took deep breaths. A pleasant numbness suffused her like a warm fog that had settled in her brain. It felt too good to be with him and it was so easy to forget that anything bad could come from this.
They lay there like that for a time, while Claire regained her senses. Cheol on the other hand, relished the feeling of the weight of her pressed against him. He had always been someone who expressed affection physically with his friends and family. He cuddled and hugged and roughhoused with the other members of his group, never thinking twice about it. Touching Claire made him feel greedy, like one touch just fed his need for a second and a third. He felt on fire where she touched him, a pricking on his skin. It was the best torture he could imagine.
A knock on the door finally drew them apart with the delivery of their dinner. Cheol hurried to the door, wanting to pay for the food and forgetting the awkward state of half dressed he was in. The delivery person gave him a raised eyebrow but made no comment about coming to the door half dressed. Tipping him well, he closed the door and took the food over to the coffee table, laying out the selection of food he had ordered. Claire brought over plates and chopsticks for them. Cheol served them both some of each of the different dishes on the two plates.
“Here, taste,” He picked up a dumpling of sorts with his chopsticks and offered it to her. Taking the bite in her mouth, she was surprised by the spicy heat of the stuffing, something she was not accustomed to.
“Oh! Hot hot hot!” She sucked in air as she chewed, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.
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