Kiss me.
His eyes lower to my lips, and I stop breathing. Butterflies are careening around my chest, and my heart is beating to a wild new reckless beat. Do it, Ben. Take charge. Take the decision out of my hands.
Kiss me.
Indecision races across his face, and I don’t think either one of us is breathing. He lifts his eyes, finding mine again, and we stare at one another for a few intense moments. It feels like my heart is about to burst through my rib cage and take flight. Longing coats my body in a fine layer of need, and I’m silently urging him to man up when he moves his face in closer, his lips aiming toward my mouth.
My heart is doing cartwheels and my palms are sweaty as I close my eyes and tip my chin up in expectation.
His lips brush the corner of my mouth before gliding to my cheek, and disappointment is heavy in my limbs as I silently scream in frustration. Damping down my disappointment, because I don’t want to indulge it and end up crying in front of him again, I choose to take my thrills where I can get them, savoring the feel of him pressed up against me. He’s all solid muscle and powerful restraint, and I want to ingest the safety and protection of having him this close. To cocoon myself in him and indulge my inner teenage self.
“I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t love you either,” he whispers. “To love you is to place you at even greater risk, and I won’t do that.”
My eyes pop open as he pulls his head back. We stare at one another, and there is so much unspoken between us. “What exactly are you saying, Ben?”
“I’m saying there is no one else, Firefly.” He squeezes my hand, and I cling to his touch, our fingers still intertwined. “I don’t want Chantel. I don’t want Saskia.” His eyes drill into mine, and I have stopped breathing. “The only woman I want is you, but—”
“Boss,” Alesso shouts, the sound of approaching footfalls heralding his arrival. He’s panting like he’s just run a marathon. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you both.” He stops, taking in our close stance, clearing his throat. He looks a little sheepish. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but you’re needed. It’s an emergency.”
Ben removes his fingers from mine, and I want to cry. I glare at Alesso—he has the worst timing known to mankind.
“Take Sierra home, and I want you on guard inside the house tonight.”
I open my mouth to ask what’s going on, but Ben levels me with a serious expression. “Don’t fight me on this. I won’t negotiate when it comes to your safety and Rowan’s safety.”
I nod, not willing to compromise on our safety either. “Okay.”
In a surprising move, he pulls me into his arms, pressing my head to his chest. One large hand holds my head in place while his other arm wraps around my back. He rests his chin on my hair, and I circle my arms around his toned waist, closing my eyes and siphoning his warmth. A profound sense of contentment settles deep in my bones as he holds me without speaking. His action speaks volumes, and that hopeful beast springs to life again, whispering promises of what may come. After a couple of minutes, he lets me go, planting a chaste kiss to my brow. “Stay with Alessandro. He will keep you safe.”
Without another word, he walks off, leaving me almost as confused as when he found me.
29
SIERRA
Ben shows up early the following morning to see Rowan. I had nurtured silly notions he might appear in my bedroom at some point during the night, but, after a fretful night with little sleep, I woke to a cold bed and a fragile heart. I don’t know if he meant any of the things he said to me last night or if he just said them to console me in the heat of the moment.
“Ben!” Rowan screams in excitement when he sees him, racing across the living room, charging straight into his arms. My heart soars as I watch them embracing. I’ve denied myself this these past few weeks, and I’m as emotional as I was the first time Ben showed up here. I can’t deny how much Rowan has grown to love him. He looks forward to these weekend visits so much it’s almost impossible to get him to sleep the night before Ben is due to visit. Today’s visit is unexpected. Ben wasn’t sure if he could find time to see him, but I’m glad he has made the effort.
“Hey, buddy.” Ben closes his eyes, lifting our son easily in his arms as he stands. “I missed you.” He nuzzles his nose into his hair, holding Rowan close.
“I missed you too,” Rowan says, wriggling in his arms. Ben plants his feet on the ground, smiling. “Guess what?” Rowan tugs on his hand, leading him out toward the bedrooms. “I saw a shooting star!” he squeals.
Rowan is addicted to the telescope Ben bought him, and he’s obsessed with stars and planets. He now wants to be an astronaut when he grows up; however, his aspirations tend to alternate quite regularly, so I don’t know how long it will last. I took him to the Adler Planetarium a couple of weeks ago, and he loved it.
“That’s amazing. I wish I had been here to see it with you.”
A pang pierces my chest cavity. I can only imagine how hard it must be for him being away from Rowan for most of the week. It’s not only the big things he’s missing out on but the little mundane things of everyday life.
“If you have time, you could participate in Skywatch Weekly?” I suggest. “It’s something the Adler Planetarium does,” I explain, answering his unspoken question. “There is a weekly episode on YouTube every Thursday, and they make it interesting for the kids with fun facts and weekly challenges and suggesting things they can look out for, for themselves, in the intervening week. Rowan loves it, and I’m learning stuff I never knew.”
“Oh yes! Please come over for the show, Ben!” Rowan jumps up and down, bubbling with excitement. “It’s awesome. Mommy makes popcorn, and we write down the weekly challenge every week after the show is over.”
Shit. I walk to my son, crouching down. “Sweetheart. Ben lives in New York, so he wouldn’t be able to come to our house, but he could watch it at his house, and then we could video call him after to talk about it?”
“Aw.” His little face drops, and my heart hurts.
“Hey.” Ben kneels on the other side of Rowan. “The show sounds awesome, and I would love to watch it. And maybe sometimes I might be able to watch it here with you, if that’s okay with your mommy.”
Rowan turns to me, his cute face expectant.
“That would be fine with me.”
Ben and I exchange a look, and my heart pounds in my chest with the intense way he’s staring at me. Ben always has this way of looking at me that feels like he really sees me. Like he can dive through my outer layer and see what lies beneath.
And why does he have to be so gorgeous and so irresistible? He hasn’t shaved, and the five o’clock shadow on his face only adds to his sexiness, but it’s his eyes that always get me. They are a stunning blue, with a silvery sheen that makes them pop, and I could stare into his eyes all day long.
I want nothing more than to lean over and kiss him, but he’s not mine to kiss, and he probably won’t ever be. He may have feelings for me, but it’s clear from the things he said that he won’t allow it to go any further. Or maybe he did just say those things to calm me down and I’m imagining feelings that don’t exist. I’ve been seesawing back and forth all night trying to figure it out, but there is no point torturing myself because it’s not going to happen. My head agrees it’s the most logical approach.
After all, this is about Rowan.
Not me and his father.
But try telling that to my lovesick heart.
“Yay!” Rowan flings his arms around me, almost knocking me off balance, as Ben straightens up. “Thanks, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you too, Firecracker.” I dot kisses all over his adorable face. “So, so much.”
Ben offers me his hand when Rowan lets go, helping to pull me to my feet. I swear his eyes look glassy for a split-second, but it could be my overactive imagination at work again.
“I want to show you my picture. I drawed the universe.” Rowan tugs on Ben’s han
d, and I smile, nodding my consent. They wander off, and I put on my boots, needing some fresh air. My head is a little sore after all the champagne last night, and I could use a cold breeze to blast the cobwebs from my skull.
“Are we heading out?” Alesso asks, grabbing his coat from the coatrack in the hall.
“I need a walk.” It’s well into October, and it’s decidedly chilly, so I button up my coat and wrap my scarf around my neck.
Alesso disappears, to update Ben, no doubt, returning a minute later. “Come on.”
We step outside and walk toward the park in amicable silence, at first. The park is deserted this early on a Sunday morning, and I welcome the peace and serenity as we walk the most popular trail through the woods.
“I’m sorry I interrupted last night,” Alesso says, pushing some stray branches aside for me.
“It’s fine. It was most likely for the best.”
“Ben would probably kill me if he heard me say this, but he has feelings for you. I’ve seen the way he looks at you when he thinks no one is watching, and Leo said everyone saw it in Vegas.”
I’m pretty sure Vegas was just lust for Ben. I laugh. “Vegas meant nothing to him, Alesso. He couldn’t wait to get rid of me the next day.” Although, it’s probably come to mean more to him retrospectively if his commitment to spending time with Rowan is any indication.
“He deliberately pushed you away, Sierra.” Alesso shoves his hands in his pockets as a gust of wind slams into us. “He doesn’t get attached on purpose, but it’s more than that. He hasn’t been interested in any woman the way I see he is interested in you. He has never let any female get close to him. You are the only exception, and I think you scare him a lot. It’s dangerous for men in his position to care about others, and he’s paranoid about keeping you both safe.”
“I get that, and his fear is palpable. I don’t know much about the way your world works, and I’m not sure I ever want to know, but I know enough. It’s dangerous. Being associated with him is dangerous, but it’s not like we can change the situation. Rowan is his flesh and blood, and I could never keep him away from his son. Not now I see how they are with one another.”
“It’s beautiful,” Alesso agrees as we step out of the forest onto the path at the back of the park. “You and Rowan are changing him, and he might not see it, but he needs that.” Alesso gently takes my arm, and his features soften. “I think you do too.” He smiles. “I see the way you look at him as well, and I’m rooting for you guys.”
I gulp over the messy ball of emotion clogging my throat, but I don’t respond because I’m not sure how to.
“Don’t give up on him,” he adds, letting go of my arm. “I know he’s an ass at the best of times, but be patient. He’s a good man.”
“You seem so sure of that, yet I’ve seen him angry at you a lot.”
Alesso grins as we stroll side by side around the far side of the park. “That’s only because he’s struggling to control his emotions around you, and he’s jealous.” He narrows his eyes, pinning me with a chastising look. “You were a brat last night. You deliberately goaded him.”
I hold my head up, meeting his gaze with one of my own. “I refuse to apologize. He deserved it for bringing that woman on purpose to piss me off.”
Alesso chuckles. “I admire a woman who fights back, but next time, find someone else to use against him. I know Ben is a good man, but he’s a dangerous man too, and we can only push him so far. His loyalty to me has been tested a few times in recent months, and I’d rather not push him to the edge. I value breathing.”
I can’t tell if he’s joking or serious, and I decide to change the topic because I don’t want to discuss that side of Ben. Plus, Alesso isn’t often talkative, and I want to take advantage of his present openness. “How did you end up in this life anyway?”
He grimaces. “It’s not a pleasant story.”
“It won’t make me think any less of you,” I say, sensing that might hold him back.
He shakes his head. “I know that. I just meant…ah, I suppose it doesn’t matter.” He wets his lips before he starts explaining. “I didn’t have the best childhood. My mom was a junkie who sold her body for drug money. I never knew my dad. I don’t know if my mom even knew who he was. A john, most likely. Or maybe it was her disgusting pimp.” He shrugs, like it’s no biggie, but his body betrays him. His shoulders are stiff, his muscles tense, jaw locked. Telling me this is hard for him, and I’m guessing he doesn’t share his story often. That he trusts me means a lot. I briefly squeeze his hand in reassurance, urging him to continue.
“Mom was washed out by the time I was fifteen,” he continues, as we head toward the entrance to the park. “And that’s when she came up with the bright idea to pimp me out. I took off the night two johns showed up looking for a good time with me. I fought the bastards, trashed the place, and left. I never went back.” His chest heaves, and he averts his eyes, grappling with inner demons I can’t see.
I wait him out, realizing again how fortunate I was to grow up with a mom who loved me and in a rich family where everything I needed was given to me. Except for my father’s love, but it seems almost petty to feel neglected when there are people like Ben and Alesso who grew up with so little. Father may not have wanted me, but he provided for me.
“I lived on the streets for a while, barely existing.” His Adam’s apple jumps in his throat, and he looks dead ahead as he speaks. “Then I got into street fighting, and I found a way to use all the pent-up anger and frustration inside me for something positive. I made a name for myself. Got enough money to get a crappy studio, but I didn’t care. I had a roof over my head and food in my belly and a reason to live. One night, a bunch of jealous idiots jumped me in an alley after a fight. I fought them, but there were six of them and only one of me, and I was beat after my match. I didn’t realize Ben was there, and he saw the whole thing. His men killed the guys, and he took me to his place. Fixed me up with a doctor. Forced me to stay in bed and heal.”
We walk out through the gates as a couple I know approaches. We greet them before letting them pass. I’m sure my neighbors are wondering what’s going on with all the strange men coming and going from my house, but they are too polite to inquire.
“What happened next?” I ask, glancing at Alesso.
“Ben talked to me. He told me his story and how he saw a lot of himself in me. He gave me a choice. Explained about la famiglia and the life of a soldier. He asked me if I wanted to be initiated and trained, and I didn’t have to think long before accepting.”
“And you clearly have some Italian blood flowing in your veins,” I say, in a nod to his name. “Which must have helped.” The mafia research I uncovered on the web suggested you have to be of Italian descent to be initiated.
Alesso steps aside to let a little girl on a bike pass us. Her mom is jogging behind her, and she waves as she runs past. “Actually, as far as I’m aware, I’m not Italian. My mother just liked the name Alessandro.” He shrugs, and I wonder if his father was Italian, because it’s not just his name. He has that look about him too with his Roman nose, dark hair, and brown eyes.
“It didn’t matter, anyway,” he continues. “Every crime family has their own rules, and while you usually have to be of Italian descent, Ben didn’t give a crap. He has drastically altered the way things run. He has modernized the famiglia, and a lot of the soldiers are men hired through his private security firm. Not everyone has Italian roots though anyone without it won’t ascend any higher in the ranks.”
“Does that bother you?”
He shakes his head. “I like what I do. It was a great honor when Ben chose me as his personal bodyguard and again when he asked me to guard you. It demonstrates trust and loyalty. The same trust and loyalty I have for him.” Alesso halts on the sidewalk across from my house, stepping in front of me. “Ben saved me, and I would die for that man. He has my allegiance for life, as do you and Rowan. I would take a bullet before I’d let any of you
get hurt.”
I throw myself at him, hugging him tight. “I know you would, and I appreciate it so much.”
Of course, Ben would choose that moment to step out of my house. His eyes find us almost instantly, and I pull back at the instant scowl that furrows his brow. I curse under my breath and let Alesso go. The one time I’m not trying to purposely annoy Ben through his bodyguard, and he has to see. Typical.
I skip across the road as Ben makes his way toward the familiar black Merc. Three men step out of the car, and Ciro opens the back door for Ben. Leo is not around today, which is strange, as Ben rarely seems to go anywhere without him.
“You’re leaving already?” I ask when I step up on the curb.
“I have a business meeting to attend.”
“I was hoping we could talk.”
“It will have to wait.” He’s all businesslike, and his cold mantle is firmly back in place.
Hurt shuttles through me. I don’t know why I’m surprised. This is the usual pattern with Ben. “Suit yourself.” I stalk toward the house, irritated I’m wearing my emotions on my sleeve again.
“Sierra.” Gravel crunches noisily as he steps up behind me. I stop, but I don’t turn around. His mouth brushes my cheek, sending shivers cascading across my skin. “Things are particularly tense right now. Please don’t take any unnecessary risks. I will call or text you about Thursday.” His fingers dance fleetingly in my hair. “Be safe.”
30
SIERRA
It’s the Wednesday after the charity ball, and the only time Ben has reached out to me is via text. It was a brief message, confirming he will watch the Skywatch Weekly episode tomorrow and FaceTime with Rowan after. There was no mention of us, and I don’t push the issue. Now that I’ve had time to reflect on it, I think Ben is right. There can be no future for us as a couple. Things are complicated enough as it is, and the last thing I need is to be more submerged in his criminal world. So, I lock up my heart and store the key in a mental lockbox.
Condemned to Love:  Page 23