Lochlan (Broken Deeds MC, #5)

by Esther E. Schmidt

  I push up and try to glare, hoping to guide us out of the heavy discussion he clearly never wants to have. My heart squeezes again because all of the signs and from what my gut tells me...I’m almost sure Lochlan did have a kid once. The pain I saw on his face? I don’t even want to think about what might have happened. Therefore I gave him an out, hoping he gets the hint.

  He narrows his eyes. “I’m not giving you all of my chocolate.”

  Must. Not. Laugh. “Then we don’t have a deal. Maybe I’ll see if I can snuggle in between Kray and North, I get the idea those pretty boys don’t have a problem with sharing. And I’m not talking about chocolate.”

  “You’ll be staying with me and no one else. None of my brothers touch what’s mine,” he snaps and I'm taken aback.

  “Yours? Where the hell did that come from? We’re discussing your asshole ways, then chocolate, then you blabber about me being yours? No one ever mention to you about your highly sensitive reactions to anything and everything? Jeez, talk about overreacting. You, my friend, are a weirdo.” I groan and try to think why he would lash out at me. I try to reason, “I could be besties with,”

  “Cut it the fuck out with besties. I hate that fucking word and it’s annoying as fuck. What I meant to say was; you’re my responsibility. I’ll share my fucking chocolate and in return you’ll not get cozy with any one of my brothers. If you need anything, I’ll provide it, no one else. Clear?”

  “Sir, yes, sir,” I snap.

  Wow. Talk about complication on a higher level. I don’t think I’ll ever understand his bouncing ball of an attitude. He’s like a beaten dog you try to pet and all he wants to do is snap at every turn.

  He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, as if he heard my inner thoughts. When his gaze locks on mine again, there’s vulnerability peeking through. “You throw me off balance. Not a single woman on this fucking earth has managed to do that. There are things in my past you...trigger. I can’t...it’s not,” His hand rubs over his short hair. “Just fucking know I’d never hurt you, not intentionally. You screw with my head and yet it’s not you, it’s...never mind, it all comes out wrong.” The last part is growled in frustration.

  His admission means more to me than he might think. I stalk over and wrap my arms around him and hug him tight. “No worries,” I tell him. “Besides...I got what I wanted—you sharing your chocolate—I don’t need anything else. Just know, if you ever want to talk, about anything, I’m your,”

  “Do not say fucking bestie,” he grumbles, making the both of us laugh.

  Chapter 05

  ***Lochlan***

  I want to ask her so bad what her brother meant when he said it’s medically impossible for her to get pregnant. If only I had the fucking nerve to pry, but I can’t. Not with me shutting down my own personal shit. I can hardly demand for her to spill when I won’t ever tell anyone about the reasons my heart is shattered to a point where it only functions to keep my body alive.

  But the way the thought keeps crawling through my mind...what if it’s the truth? And I know it almost has to be, because why else would he punch me in the eye and tell it to me in anger? Xena’s words before it. What if...

  I could breathe. I could have the woman I crave with every inch of me. Without dealing with the after effects, the worry, the guilt, the pain, without anything...I could just...breathe. Yet now my chest tightens at every turn.

  Fuck. What’s wrong with me? I survived years without shit boiling up inside me. Only letting myself go when those hurtful two days a year approach—her birthday and the day she died—when I rip open my chest and let every single ounce of good and bad flow out and I allow myself to embrace the memories. It’s all I have left of her.

  Today of all days; Harmony’s birthday. I’m sober instead of drunk, I’m thinking of new possibilities in my life instead of not allowing me to think at all on this day. My throat starts to close up and I hug Xena tighter. For the first time since Harmony died, I feel different, as if my lungs could expand a fragment more, allowing me to fill my lungs with a boost of oxygen my heart needed to beat stronger.

  She feels so damn good in my arms. The way she’s hugging me makes me feel grounded. As if I could lean on her and all will be right in this world. I bury my face in the crook of her neck and let my nose trail up her skin, making my cock stand to attention.

  “Okay, things are getting pointy. Hug time is over,” she chuckles and her arms fall away from my body.

  “Dammit, I was enjoying that,” I mutter, making her giggle.

  “I noticed. Maybe a little too much.” She winks and points at cock level. “As you said, we’re both adults. And don’t start with the no sex, only skin to skin while being in this bed. Clothes at all times. Because when you said no sex the last time, you ended up shoving yourself deep and,”

  “Don’t remind me of things I can’t remember,” I state. I still seriously regret drinking so much damn whiskey. I swallow and muster enough courage to whisper, “Your brother meant what he said about you before he punched me?”

  Her eyes narrow some. “What did he say to you? I heard him mutter something but couldn’t hear what he said.”

  I swallow before connecting our gaze. “That it’s medically impossible for you to get pregnant.”

  She freezes but throws her shoulders back and gives me a tight nod and shrugs as if it’s nothing. “Shower time.” She easily switches topics and I damn well understand and respect her for it.

  I got my fucking answer and it’s as if my reasons for not spending time with her all fall away. Insane, I know. Because every woman deserves to have everything she wishes. For me to be relieved this woman can’t bear children is the most fucked up thing. But it’s the fucking truth. Because to me, this fact makes her even more attractive than she already was.

  There’s no risk, no nagging feeling taking over my thoughts and be on my toes every damn second. I could enjoy myself—enjoy her—without having her come back and pull strings to control my future.

  “Are we sharing the shower too? Kinda like saving the planet by taking a shower together instead of separate.” Dammit. Even the head on my shoulders stands to attention and makes me blabber stuff without thinking.

  Her eyes widen before they narrow as she jabs a finger against my pecs. “Let’s get things clear between us. What was just mentioned, and most definitely the stuff we didn’t discuss around it, doesn’t mean we’re suddenly the perfect match because we both don’t want to have something in life. That right there, bozo, is not the way to jump back inside me.”

  I clear my throat. “And the right way would be?”

  She rolls her eyes and grumbles, “There’s no talking sense into you right now. At least start with giving me chocolate, that’ll get you on my good side.”

  She’s right. When I’m about to say something, she steps back and winces, reminding me I’m the reason she’s hurting.

  “Come on, sit your ass down, and I’ll help you re-bandage your foot. I’ll even add something to keep the stitches dry so you can shower. Alone.”

  Without one word she plants her ass on the bed and holds up her foot. Gently I remove her sock and notice she taped in her whole foot.

  “Why the hell use so much tape?”

  She shrugs. “Whenever I had something with my feet and still have to work, I’d tape it up, dance, and handle the disaster afterwards. Not that I ever had stitches on my feet, but I needed to be able to tend bar tonight so I did the same.”

  While she’s talking, I cut and gently peel away the tape to see the aftermath. “Fucking hell, woman. You ripped one or two by putting too much pressure on your foot.”

  Blood soaked tape and the way three cuts with stitches taint her foot makes me feel even more guilty.

  “Oh, shush, and wipe the guilt from your face. Just make sure you cover it all back up. I’m going to use the crutches Kray and North made sure to bring along. No more putting pressure on it from now on, okay? Stop looking guilty, it m
akes me feel uncomfortable. Instead you should start to pamper me by getting me chocolate. Dark chocolate. Milk chocolate. All the chocolate. I’m going to freshen up and then I could help you work, right? Another way to make up for the guilt, and we already agreed not to tell anyone I know about club business and all. Soooo, pretty please?”

  She flutters her eyelashes in an overly seductive way and it makes me snort. All women I came across—with the exception of the ol’ladies—try to force you into doing shit their way. They make you feel like shit and don’t hold back to rub it in your face. Not to mention act helpless.

  I know, I know, not all women are the same but with my experience, it’s common sense to think twice about this shit. But this woman, though? She makes everything obvious. So obvious I consider it fucking adorable.

  Pampering. I give an internal snort. As if this strong and independent woman would ever let anybody pamper her. Fuck. My chest tightens and somehow it doesn’t sit right and I decide to take on this task.

  “I’m going to take care of this first.” I give her toes a squeeze to make her aware I’m talking about her foot. “Then you’ll let me carry you into the bathroom, and while you’re taking a shower, I’ll get you some chocolates. Everything will be set when you’re done so we can talk about the case I’m working on, okay?”

  One hell of a beaming smile is the response I get.

  “Stay put,” I tell her and head for the bathroom to get the first aid kit.

  With care, I clean her foot and make sure to bandage everything securely and wrap a plastic bag around it so she won’t get it wet by taking a shower.

  I step back and grab a clean shirt from a box in the corner. “Get naked, I’m gonna carry you into the bathroom and then you can wear my clean shirt.”

  She tilts her head. “Clean shirt? Are you sure about that? I just saw you pull it out of a freaking box instead of a closet.”

  “I’m renovating an old house at the edge of the Broken Deeds MC property. Most of my brothers have a house here. I’m taking my time to knock down walls and think about shit as I go.” I shrug, reminding myself I need to decide on the tiles for the new bathroom.

  I have narrowed it down to three and have three tiles in this bathroom to look at while I shower. Sounds weird but I thought it would speed things up and it turns out, I still can’t decide shit.

  “You know, I might be impulsive, but I’m pretty sure with knocking down walls before you think about shit isn’t a very smart thing to do.” The sound of her laughter does crazy things to my head.

  “I checked the blueprints first, smartass,” I tell her. “Besides, I like thinking as I go. One should never narrow down their plans to the last dot. Better to leave things open to faith and last-minute brilliant ideas.”

  “Yes!” she squeaks. “I’ve been trying to tell this to my parents, my brother, everyone, my whole life. I don’t want the white picket fence, kids, a dog, all lovey-dovey written in paint. Maybe I want a purple fence, most definitely no kids, and instead of a dog...maybe an iguana. Those are awesome. Never had one though. Hey, do you know they can hit with their tail? Like, really hard.”

  Most definitely no kids. Most definitely. She said most...fuck. We have the same mindset future wise, crucial things two people need to decide on together to have a long-lasting relationship. My throat closes up and I need to give my head a little shake to get back into the discussion. Wait, did she want a reptile as a pet?

  “I don’t know about keeping a large lizard as a pet,” I start, but she cuts me right off.

  “It’s not about the non-furry pet, it’s about jumping out of the standards, the chain society likes to pin people with to raise them with a mindset of what should be the picture of a perfect and happy life. I strongly believe every human was placed on this earth to live it to the fullest, no matter what vision you have in mind. Well, within reason of course. Everybody wants to be a millionaire, but only some turn those kinds of dreams into reality. But maybe the dollar signs for some could be replaced by something with more value...like freedom to jump off a cliff parasailing, or get a pet lizard, it’s all about personal standards, goals, things in life you need, or don’t need, to make your life complete and meaningful.”

  “Of course.” The corner of my mouth twitches.

  Our eyes lock and no more words are spoken. The room temperature seems to spike and I find myself inching closer. The pull we have makes her draw closer until my heart leaps and the hunger inside me takes over. I wrap my fingers around her neck and pull her close enough to slam my mouth down over hers.

  She parts her lips, allowing me to swipe my tongue right inside and swirl around hers. We both groan and I damn well know one taste won’t be enough. If I deepen the kiss, I’ll have her legs thrown over my shoulders and my cock shoved deep inside her with my next breath. With the turn of events I need to pace myself. From ‘no woman ever’ to ‘I need this woman right fucking now’ within a day is making my head spin as it is.

  Or maybe the spinning is caused by the intensity of our kiss. The way she makes my whole body light up is a feeling I’ve never encountered. The shocking part is I’m not afraid of finding out where it might take us. Yeah, I really need to stop kissing her and yet her nails running through my short hair are making my cock painfully hard.

  Her hands cup my face as she pulls me back, I reluctantly let her. My gaze is set on her lips. Lips I just tasted and made all puffy with a look stating they’ve been used well. A rumble goes through my chest to make my hunger clear.

  “I know,” she sighs dreamily and lets her pierced tongue lick a path over her bottom lip.

  Fuck. I’m such a goner when it comes to her. Screw pacing myself, screw the reasons for not taking an ol’lady, I need to nail her, right here...and most definitely right fucking now. We share more than the few crucial parts I never want to have in my future. To say she’s perfect for me is an understatement.

  “Even if you taste better than any chocolate known to mankind...you promised me some and I really need a shower. Not to mention my foot is killing me with the throbbing and I don’t think the painkillers are any help. And dammit, I really want the kissing and sex. Oh, hell, yes...I really want sex, because you absolutely teased the hell out of me last night with only giving me your dick without any further action.” She groans in frustration.

  A slight chuckle escapes me. “You’re right. Come on, let’s get you naked.”

  Her eyes widen and pure lust rushes in to fill her magnificent eyes.

  “Shower, woman.” I remind her of the pause button I’m thankful she hit. “You need to undress to take a shower. Besides, the both of us need a timeout and the need to make things clear between us.”

  She huffs and mutters, “Here I thought we were getting things very clear between us a freaking moment ago.”

  “Yeah, hence the reason you’re taking a cold shower while I’m going out to get you something for your cravings.”

  Her eyes dance mischievously and before she can say something, I place my finger against her perfect lips. “Food, baby. I damn well know I have what you crave right here. I’m talking about food, not my damn cock.”

  I can feel her lips turning into a pout underneath my touch. I quickly step away and clear my throat. “Get naked, I’ll turn on the shower for you and get a towel and my shirt in there so you can manage while I’m out.”

  I don’t wait for her answer but get the hell into the bathroom to get things started. Talk about fucking temptation. The good kind, though, that’s for damn sure.

  Chapter 06

  ***Xena***

  I watch as Lochlan comes stalking out of the bathroom. He places the crutches on the bed and without another word, he stalks right out the door. I guess carrying me into the bathroom—naked I might add—is out of the question now.

  Figures. I mean, we went from a no sex agreement to a full-blown kiss. One where the both of us wanted to devour the other. If I hadn’t taken a moment to breathe and pulled him
back, we’d be having hot-out-of-our-mind-blowing-monkey-sex.

  And yes, I know with certainty it would be exactly that. This man is a walking hunk of sexual attraction. One who makes my nipples tingle with a foreboding of something huge. Gosh, they need to be pinched by this man. Would he? Or maybe he’d use his teeth instead? Hmmm, whatever works.

  Yes, I might need to switch the water to cold once I get into the bathroom. I’m getting all these vivid pictures of Lochlan’s hands, mouth, muscles, dick...dammit, cold shower. I reach for the crutches and manage to get myself into the bathroom. I take my time and I’m finally all clean and dressed in Lochlan’s shirt to relax while lying in his bed. And yet there’s still no trace of Lochlan.

  I debate watching some TV and when my eyes land on the remote, I also notice the file Lochlan was looking over earlier. He did mention I could help him, and with him being gone for so long, I’m too curious not to look. Scooting over, I balance myself and reach out to snag the file.

  I get comfortable against the pillows and start to glance through all the papers. Interesting. Pictures of injuries, details about what looks like a few different cases where a person has been assaulted, a person being shot. All of these cases all happened in the last two years. Strange how all of them seem to have nothing in common, except...

  “Starting without me, huh?” Lochlan’s voice makes my head swing his way. Shit. I feel my cheeks heat up as I’ve been caught red-handed.

  I clear my throat. “You were gone a long time, I was getting bored. Oh, something smells really good. What did you bring?”

  “Chicken wings,” the lovely man—who brought comfort food for us—states.