“Fuck,” he croaks, and feathers his lips against mine in silent agreement.
He stands up to take the book and place it into the drawer of his dresser, then takes my hand and guides me into the bathroom.
Chapter 13
***Lochlan***
I’ve been awake for the last ten minutes or so. My arm is still draped over Xena’s waist as I’m spooning her. Serenity. I can’t even wrap my mind around the fact of how damn perfect she feels against me. I thought I’d royally screwed up with not going after her and not knowing what to do. Not to mention barging in and crashing her damn work party to give my job priority.
Her first reaction when she saw me last night? My gut twisted and I don’t want to think about where my mind would be if she refused to even so much as talk to me. It’s in the past now. Fuck...the past. I didn’t mean to rip open my heart and pour it all out. I thought if I just mentioned I had a daughter once—one I lost—I didn’t have to say anything more.
I never shared any of it with anyone. Somehow, she inspired me to spill it all, let myself hear what I’ve been keeping inside. With doing so my heart feels lighter somehow. Insane when I think about it, but maybe the reason is like she mentioned, how the both of us can carry the load. She’s so unselfish in many ways with her patience and warmth.
How we showered together and there was nothing erotic about it...fucking comfort as if it was the most normal and mundane thing we have done for years on end. Right after, we snuggled close on the bed and fell asleep in each other’s arms. The day Xena left, the nightmares were back, last night...with her in my arms...she drove them away.
I have to talk to my Prez. I’m not ready to claim her as my ol’lady but I know for damn sure I don’t want to live without her. Even if this feels perfect, I’m not ready to bind her to me. I’ve realized yesterday with ripping open my heart that everything is still so very raw. All these fucking uncertainties aren’t fair for her and yet...I don’t fucking know.
Like I said, I need to talk to Deeds. He’s been leading a bunch of nutcases who all carry a truckload of scars and he might have advice. But first and foremost...I don’t want any pressure from the club. I know damn well rules apply, and I’m all for following them. Hell, I fucking live by them. But I need an exception. Feeling restless with my thoughts, I slip out of bed and grab my jeans and phone.
Xena turns and a groan slips from her lips. I lean in and place a kiss on her temple. “Get some more sleep, I need to have a little chat with my Prez. Be back soon, baby.”
She snuggles into my pillow and I feel a smile spread my face. That’s what she does to me; the fucking sun who drives the darkest of nights away, handing me a new day to brighten a fucking future. I gently close the door behind me and grab my phone to shoot Deeds a message while I head for his house.
He’s waiting on the front porch when I get there. “Hey, man.”
“Hey, Esmee woke you up early?” I question.
My Prez shoots me a grin. “Nah. I woke my wife early. Didn’t hear her complain though. She even had a three-minute window to come down from her orgasm high before Esmee tested her vocal cords.”
I shake my head at the information the man threw at me, most definitely something I could have gone without knowing.
“I recon you didn’t ask to meet me to talk about me and my ol’lady, huh?” Deeds questions.
“Fuck, no,” I agree, and then words fail me.
“Come on, let’s head to church, we need a little privacy, right?” Deeds starts to walk in the direction of the clubhouse and I fall in step next to him.
Kray and North step off their bikes and walk toward us. “Mornin’, Prez.”
“Kray, North,” Deeds acknowledges. We all follow Deeds inside the clubhouse and into church.
“Toast took over?” Deeds questions.
Toast is one of our prospects. We named him Toast after his second fuck-up. Doesn’t matter if the dude is as smart as they come, every now and then he manages to screw up and...then he’s toast. Hence the nickname.
“Yeah, told him to follow at long distance if Bugsy’s ass left the house. He won’t screw up, he’s young and he means well,” North states.
“Bugsy didn’t do shit all night,” Kray says. “Shame we can’t monitor the fucker twenty-four seven, waiting for him to leave evidence or catch him red-handed.”
“Maybe we should,” I muse. “He seems to follow a pattern. It’s only a few months between cases I could almost link to him. And it’s been awhile since the last one.”
“Keep Toast on him for today and have two other prospects take shifts for the next few days,” Deeds orders. “It’s worth a shot, we might get lucky to prevent the fucker from hurting others while catching him in the act.”
Muffler strolls inside church. “Early meeting I didn’t know about?”
“Nah,” Deeds replies. “Lochlan here needed a word but Kray and North just got back, so we were discussing the case Lochlan is working on. We just decided it needs some surveillance.”
“Cool, if you need me, holler. I just wrapped up the abuse case I was working on. File is on your desk, Prez,” Muffler says.
“You need him?” Deeds directs the question at me.
“Yeah, Prez. I think that would be best seeing my head is all over the place. It’s also the reason I wanted to have a word with you,” I tell him honestly.
“Okay, Lochlan, take a seat, the rest of you...out,” Deeds states.
I clear my throat. “Actually, Prez, maybe it’s good if they stayed.”
Deeds raises his eyebrow. “You sure?”
“Yeah.” I rub a hand over my mouth and stalk over to the door to close it.
Everybody takes a seat at the table and so do I. Leaning forward, I put my elbows on the table as my gaze goes to my hands, clenching them to fists. None of my brothers say anything but wait in silence for me to begin. Except the truth is...I don’t even fucking know where to start.
I take a deep breath. “I can’t fucking claim her. I want to...but I can’t. And I can’t fucking not, and it’s driving me insane.”
“Prez,” Kray’s voice rings out. “May I?”
“Sure,” Deeds rumbles.
“I’ve mentioned his lady already passed tests before any other ol’lady went through testing. Xena has been here—around all of us—enough to know when someone is fake, a bitch, or evil people. But she’s good people. She even teaches the kids to dance, she’s got a big heart. And,” Kray locks eyes with me, “Don’t flip out on me, fucker.” I give him a nod and wait expectantly as he goes on. “Her background checks out.”
They checked out my woman? “What the fuck?”
“He told you to calm down, Lochlan. Besides, it was me who asked for the thorough background check instead of the first normal one we did when she came here as a friend of Doll’s. It’s something else when she hangs around the clubhouse and is there with all our kids for hours.”
“Have you seen her fucking dance?” Muffler whistles low before he almost chokes in it with the death glare I’m aiming at him. “Hey, I didn’t mean it that way,” the fucker says with his hands palms up. “I mean she’s really patient with the kids and then she gives them a show where I seriously wonder how a person can bend that way.”
“Shut the fuck up,” I growl.
“Okay, fine. Though I don’t think I was disrespectful in any way, I was just stating a fact.” Muffler shrugs. “Anyone good with kids is good enough for me. Bet she’d be a great mom someday.”
“She can’t ever have fucking kids.” The words are out of my mouth before I realize it.
“Aw, fuck,” Muffler croaks. “Sorry man.”
My hands go to my face. I can’t stand the fucking looks of pity over something I’m actually happy about. My damn woman isn’t broken. She lived to tell about a horrible accident and choses to live her life the way she wants it.
“A little over ten years ago I had a daughter who died at the age of five. Xena and
I both don’t see kids of our own in our future. She’s fucking perfect and I can’t tie her down to me because many beautiful fucking dreams died for me along with my daughter. Don’t you fucking get it? One damn day without Xena and I felt as if the damn universe let my happiness slip from my fingers again. I got her back in my bed right now and I feel as if my world is going to crash down if I let her go, but at the same time I will drag her down with me anyway if I make her stay.” My hands fall away and I glance around the table, finding all my brothers with a stunned look.
North shakes his head. “Fuck...I didn’t see that one comin’.”
“Me neither,” Kray agrees, and points a finger right at me. “I’m going to kick your fucking ass if you let her go. She fights for you, like literally. Hearing you mention the little girl who was ripped away from you, man? It’s like the universe carved the perfect woman from the same wood he created you from and handed her to you on a silver platter.” Kray connects his gaze with Deeds. “I don’t fucking care about the patch ink or if he claims her or not, I vote he doesn’t need this shit until he’s got all his damn ducks in a row. I’m fucking sure he will have it all clear when the time comes. His heart is there, it’s his mind that needs to process.”
“Agreed,” North states.
“What he said,” Muffler grunts.
“You heard them, take your time, brother. And I’m fucking sorry about your loss...fuck, I can’t even begin to imagine. Fucking hell.” Deeds rubs a hand over his mouth as if he needs to shut himself up but his eyes burning into mine leave the unsaid words flowing between us.
“Thanks,” I croak.
Having my brothers support me in this is something I need. Even more when they just told me how even they see what a damn fine heart Xena possesses. Though that shit Muffler mentioned? I haven’t seen her fucking dance, yet. When she teaches the kids, it must have been when I wasn’t around. I do know all about her flexibility though, but I want to see her fucking dance.
The time she spent with me, more than half she needed to let her foot heal. Good thing we now have time to get to know each other without having my brothers interfere. Even if the rules of the club are there for a reason; to protect ourselves, each other, and the club. My brothers gave me the space I needed to get my shit together. And with last night, and right now, I finally feel as if I’m able to breathe.
“Does she know about your kid?” Deeds asks.
“Yeah,” I breathe and remember how everything poured out. “I told her everything. I was planning on mentioning it like how I told you guys but the words just kept coming until I spilled all. I even showed her photographs. Shots I’ve never even showed anyone else.”
“I’d love to see them sometime if you’d allow me,” Deeds’ voice comes out raw.
“Same here,” Muffler croaks and needs to clear his throat.
“Dude, we all would appreciate to see who your little girl was. What was her name?” Kray says.
“Harmony.” I smile, somehow making it easier to talk about her with my brothers knowing and even asking in all sincerity.
We spend the next twenty minutes talking and when I finally get back to my room, Xena is still sleeping. I fire up my laptop and start a special program that allows me to check Xena’s medical files. The information I’m looking for hits my screen and another wave of insecurities and fear wash away, letting longing and warmth spread my veins. A dick move to still not trust her word but my mind is twisted and needs confirmation to be able to let shit go.
I shrug out of my clothes and slide right back into bed, relishing in the weight that was lifted from my chest. And it’s all because of the magnificent woman beside be, making me comfortable enough to even share with my brothers. Something I never imagined I would bother anyone with because they are my scars to bear.
Chapter 14
***Xena***
Oh, what a difference compared to an hour ago. Sixty freaking minutes ago I was in bed and snuggled close to Lochlan. Soft kisses, special attention between my legs, the promise of coffee...we got dressed and now we’re in the clubhouse surrounded by ol’ladies and bikers.
And...I have kids jumping up and down in front of me, asking me to dance. Normally I wouldn’t have a problem with putting some music on and letting the little rascals shake some booty to lose some energy. But now? I get a feeling I’m being set up. Lochlan is leaning against the bar, arms crossed and the look in his eyes tells me he’s the one who told the kids to ask me to dance for them.
“The guy adores you,” Lips whispers from my left.
My heart skips a beat or two and I let my gaze travel to her, deliberately talking over her statement because it’s really not something I want to discuss with anyone. “I have a feeling that guy set me up, even used the kids to do so.”
“Stupid from adoration.” Lips smirks. “The stupid part being asking you through the kids to dance for them, while he could totally ask for a lap dance and I’m sure you could give it to him soooooo good. Yup, stupid.”
Now it’s my turn to smirk. “Oh, yeah.”
“Maybe we should organize a ladies’ night and you could teach all of us some moves.” Lips taps Diamond, Depay’s ol’lady, on her knee. “Sounds fun, right?”
“More than fun,” Diamond agrees.
“But first,” I say as I stand up and shrug out of my flannel shirt to tie it around my waist. “I have to entertain y’alls’ kids.”
“You go girl, I’m gonna watch your moves and pay attention. I need some of those moves to lose some weight and get me some flexibility. Even if Deeds loves every inch of me.” Lips looks down at herself and back at me. “Oh, who am I kidding...it’s the flexibility, I want it...when you do the whole street dance, salsa, ballet, whatever, thing with flipping your body backwards on one hand, shaking booty and tits...hawt. You know how to handle every freaking inch of your body, and the rhythm and the vibe you radiate? Girl, you have more options than any vibrator on high speed. I want that.”
I can’t help but laugh. “No worries, I can show you some moves to taunt your ol’man some more.” I wiggle my eyebrows.
Lips shoots me a wink in return. “I knew you were my new favorite person.”
I’m wearing jeans shorts, a white, tight, crop top with a rose embroidered on each breast, and biker boots. Oh, and I have my flannel shirt wrapped around my waist. Not really the perfect dance apparel but I guess I can work in anything. Sometimes when I have a part in a play, I need to wear the weirdest things so it’s not a problem.
Only Lips did make me itch to spice up my dancing moves as much as I can with all the kids present. I really want to show off because the idiot man didn’t ask me straight up to dance, nope. See how I want to rub it in? Better yet, I’m going to tell him exactly how it is and what a big mistake he just made.
Stalking over to Lochlan, I lean in. “Could you put some music on for me so I can show the kids some moves? Shame you didn’t ask me directly because now I have to entertain kids while I could have given you a private lap dance to show off my...moves.” I’ll make sure to moan the word moves before I spin around just in time to prevent him from grabbing my arm.
Pretty sure he wants to drag me off to his room. Not going to happen, can’t disappoint bouncing kids.
“Music, music, music.” I clap as I get to the kids, they join in and start to clap and chant along before the speakers fill the clubhouse with some upbeat music.
I grab the heel of my boot and do a standing split, lighting up Esmee’s eyes with adoration. The little girl’s grin is worth the same amount of joy that goes through me when I’m standing on a stage performing for a large crowd. I spin myself and move backwards to gain some space around me.
Reaching for my hair tie, I free my long hair out of the ponytail and let it bounce around freely. This is what I really love. Freestyle. Do what I like without a care in the world. It’s satisfying. Normally I would rehearse moves every day with a big wall of mirrors. But I’ve recently moved and I
have to find myself a new space to practice.
With the injury of my foot, this is actually the first time I really let go and just surrender to the music and let my body speak the language the tunes carry. Dropping to my knees one moment while swinging my arms to gain speed to lift myself back up. Spinning, jumping, every inch, every muscle, I give everything I got until the music ends.
I wipe my face and push my hair back to find everyone staring at me in awe. Except for Doll, she’s clapping with a proud look on her face. She’s seen me dance many times and has been to several plays and rehearsals.
My vision is blocked when I’m staring into Lochlan’s eyes. Pure lust is overflowing, his pupils wide and black. “Why haven’t I seen you move like this until now?” he croaks.
I’m trying to get my breathing under control and it’s got nothing to do with the way I pushed my body with dancing but everything with the man standing in front of me. And it’s not like I want to ruin the moment by saying, “Hey, you shattered a whiskey bottle and I stepped in the glass by accident so I couldn’t dance for weeks.” So, I say nothing and just keep my gaze locked with his.
“Dude, drag her off to your room before your zipper explodes,” Lips chuckles from beside us.
Lochlan doesn’t think twice but hoists me up over his shoulder and stalks away, making me laugh as I wave to the kids who all enthusiastically wave back. I don’t think I’ve ever been thrown over a shoulder like this. I mean, yeah, during dancing we have moments with lifting and jumping but this? Nope. Besides, it’s not like I’m the tiny woman who’s easy to lift. But Lochlan doesn’t have any issues other than getting me to his room fast.
When he slides me down his body and locks the door behind him, he growls, “I won’t ever make the mistake of asking the kids to get you to dance. From now on you only dance for me.”
Lochlan (Broken Deeds MC, #5) Page 10