by Tiffany Sala
“This isn’t an isolated incident.” Mum’s eyes had lit up. “I just don’t understand why you’re willing to let this man harass you. It’s not how I’ve raised you to be. Was this related to that other incident you talked to me about before?”
She could miss or wilfully ignore so much that was happening in my life, but remember things like that. “It is, but only a little bit. And I remember what you told me then, too: you said Callie had to decide to sort that situation out for herself, that I couldn’t go trying to step in for her. So can you please extend that same courtesy to me? Taking this completely out of my hands is not what I want from you right now.”
Mum was silent for a moment.
“Getting yourself involved probably won’t help to get this behaviour under control, Sue,” Mike spoke up. Something about the way he did it made me look at him. It felt… choreographed. Like he’d been standing at the edges of a skipping rope game, waiting for the exact moment he should leap in. “We have to let this run its course.”
“I hate that, Mike,” Mum said. “Why are men like that, always abusing and intimidating? You must know more about it than I do.”
“I guess it’s just that testosterone, Sue,” said Mike. “You know, it makes it just impossible for a man to control himself. That fellow who just showed up, he probably has a thing for Tamara in his own way. He might be grown up in the eyes of the law, but knowing how to keep yourself under control, as a man, that’s amost a lifetime’s work.”
“Do not say things like that, Mike,” Mum snapped. “Don’t validate the behaviour of abusive men. Especially not men abusing my daughter.”
“Okay,” said Mike. “I won’t. I’m sorry.”
She was deflating, retreating from her fighting position. And she had just revealed what that was all about: the situation with Brad, the lie she’d told. She didn’t really dare come after Steven against my will when I already knew she’d crossed the line so badly.
Maybe I would be able to make my escape into my bedroom… But Mum turned back to me.
“Maybe you can take the day off school tomorrow anyway. Just a stress-breaker. We won’t talk about anything you’re not ready for, but we could spend some time together. We all seem to be so busy these days, maybe I’m missing out on a lot.”
“Mum. Please.” I tried to let my twitchiness manifest as annoyance, instead of the fear it really was. “It’s not going to do anything for my stress levels to get behind on schoolwork this close to exams and the end of the year. I just want to be able to get into school, do my work, and come home and then relax and not have to think about anything stressful.”
It was true. I wanted all of that… but I also knew I was not going to get it. But hey, it was a nice fantasy that might let my mum hear what she wanted to hear.
From the way she was shaking her head, I hadn’t been lucky. “I just feel like you’re subject to so many pressures right now, Tamara… I think I need to get you out of the way of any dangerous influences. Give you some time to get your head straight.”
I had to convince her to let me go to school. I knew how it would work otherwise. She would keep at me, she would keep talking and talking… and by the time I left again, I’d be completely convinced to stay away from Brad, to stay away from Steven—even Callie, now I’d let slip she had a connection to the Steven situation. I knew what she was like. I’d always known, I’d just never cared very much before now.
Suddenly, I realised just how much I had to lose.
I glanced at Mike. If I could get him on my side, he seemed to have a power with Mum I didn’t.
He was avoiding looking in my direction in a way that was probably deliberate, but he spoke up anyway. “Sue, it might be better to let Tamara go to school tomorrow, pick this up again on the weekend. If you work out there’s a need to pull her then while you get to the bottom of this, she’ll have some time to have organised to get notes from friends.”
It was a bizarre approach, the sort of thing you said when you didn’t really have anything else to say. But it seemed to have bamboozled Mum enough that she was actually thinking about it.
“She needs to promise she won’t go anywhere near him until we’ve had a chance to talk about this.”
Apparently, she couldn’t even look at me to make her demand.
Mike finally deigned to meet my eyes. “Tamara, can you promise not to get in contact with your father until you’ve talked with your mother?” Mum flinched at your father, but Mike seemed gritted-teeth resigned to the terminology.
“Sure,” I said, looking him right in the eyes. I wasn’t as nervous about lying to him as I would have been with Mum.
I was shaking a little when he looked over at her, though. “Sue?” I could only bring myself to look at her out the corner of one eye, and I hoped I wouldn’t give away anything to make her reconsider.
Finally, she shrugged. “Let’s see how things are looking in the morning.”
It was like there was suddenly air in our house again. Ryan stomped off. “I’ll be in my room if anyone needs me.”
“I think I’m done with dinner,” I added, quick on his heels. “I’m going to go get started on some homework, if that’s okay?”
“Sure thing, sweetheart.” Mum swung over to kiss my forehead, but I pretended I hadn’t seen her coming as I turned away. “I’ll come in and chat with you for a bit after I’ve done cleaning up, okay?” she called after me.
I had thirty minutes to an hour, then, to get out of that chat.
Once I was in my room, I pulled a whole bunch of books out of my school backpack. I stacked up a plausible pile at the bottom of my bed for someone who had been slacking on homework all week (something I was very familiar with the look of) and opened my maths stuff on top. If anything would be a believable knockout subject, it would be maths.
I sprawled myself across the rest of my bed, got a pen in hand, lay my head down on the edge of my workbook, and tried to think about maths to get myself in the right mood. If Mum invaded, I would pretend to be asleep.
I sat up, my heart pounding at the dimness. Something heavy thumped to the floor nearby—a textbook. I really had fallen asleep. Mum must have come in and switched the ceiling lights for my bedside lamp.
It was one in the morning according to my phone, but that wouldn’t stop her from coming back in to check if there were signs of life. I moved all my study materials to the floor and crawled under my covers without even bothering to dress for bed. Sleep was the closest thing to a safe place I had right now.
As soon as I could get a chance the next morning, I would ask Ryan to get me to school a bit early if possible. I just had to get myself out of here and to the meeting point with Brad. That was the only thing I could think about right now.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Steven
I felt fucking wild. What were the odds of having two girls I gave a shit about in trouble and not being able to help either? I was still fucking pissed with Para, but it didn’t matter what she’d done, I wanted to get her out of that situation as much as ever.
And Tamara… I wanted to drag Tamara out of her house, away from her fucking idiot of a mother who wouldn’t tell her the truth. And I knew I couldn’t do it while her mother was there. I knew how that worked. If I wanted to get through to her, I had to wait until she was at school, until I could get her alone. Then I could use the same methods her mother was using to make her understand. Which I felt absolutely fucking shit about, but she’d definitely been through enough if I was reading this right. I had to put aside my own issues and do whatever it took to keep her from having worse happen.
Mum wasn’t anywhere to be seen by the time I strode back into the house, dripping sweat everywhere. Either in her room or out drinking with her mates.
Dad started a little as I passed. “Everything all right, Steve?”
I actually paused. Maybe if I told him, he’d want to do something to help.
But he had to believe me first… and what proof did I
have? Just something a girl I knew on the Internet had told me once and then begged me not to reveal to anyone ever. I couldn’t even get in contact with her unless she decided to show her online status to me. And just the fact that I’d been spending time talking to some underage girl at all was only going to make me look even worse.
“You know. The usual.”
Dad gave me a look that said he had no idea what was ‘usual’ for me, and he didn’t want to be given any ideas. “Well, uh, I hope you’re keeping up with your homework then.”
I got the hell out of there as soon as I could and left my room the minimum number of times possible before bed. I lay staring up at the ceiling once I actually got to bed, trying not to picture it… and, naturally, seeing nothing else. It would be easiest to break in through her window, but if I couldn’t work out for sure which one it was, I’d seen how weak the front door was on my visit. No security system, of course. I could sneak through the house when everyone was asleep and grab her, drag her out of there before anyone could stop me. She’d be upset, but if she had enough time to process what I was telling her, she’d be glad I did it. Probably.
I’d still fucking go to jail, of course. I doubted she’d thank me for how I’d gotten her attention, even if she understood. Maybe that was what kept me in my bed this time, knowing she wouldn’t just let me get away with it. Maybe it was Julia’s pitiful little screams still ringing in my ears when I was just about to fall asleep.
I was safe from her that night, though. After the first startle I didn’t get even close to sleepy again.
The next morning, I was wobbling when I walked like I was fucking drunk. I was going to get myself pulled over driving like that, so I grabbed a breakfast bar out of the pantry and went for a jog. I wouldn’t get there quite as early as I’d wanted and I’d be sweaty all day, but skipping the whole awkward breakfast routine was always a plus. I didn’t need to smell good to drag Tamara aside at school… and I could sleep in class before or after.
I barely made it to school before the final bells started going off, and I didn’t see Tamara around anywhere as I took a more leisurely jog to class. I decided I’d skip out of my class before recess break and get my eyes on her if possible, so she didn’t have any chance of sneaking away.
Except halfway through my first class, after a little sitting-up doze that probably helped a lot with getting my brain twisted back on straight, I realised I hadn’t accounted for a very real possibility: that she had already left school.
Once I got that in my head, I had to find out immediately. I just got up and walked out of whatever class I was in—Maths for People Who Will Never Really Need Maths, or something. I went to one of the communal areas for anyone who didn’t have classes that period and asked around… and it took a bit longer than it would have for most other people, I thought, but soon I had the class Tamara was supposed to be in at that time.
I also probably had a rumour that I gave some serious fucks about Tamara Hills, but what was I supposed to do about that? This was more serious than everyone thinking I’d gone soft, which was probably true anyway.
Anyway, I took a stroll past Tamara’s classroom, and by that time I wasn’t too surprised by what I saw—well, what I didn’t see. There was an empty desk in the middle of the room and that little face, so intense when she was trying to make sense of something, was only present in my imagination.
My bag jiggled on my shoulder as I started to run. I was still fucking half-asleep though, because I’d made it halfway back to her house and my arms were nearly dropping off before I realised what I was doing was useless.
I’d thought if I warned Tamara’s mother, at least, she would be able to keep Tamara from him until I could find a way to tell her the truth. But Tamara had already uncovered more of my secrets than I’d ever wanted to give anyone. If anyone could figure out how to get past that mother, it’d be her. She’d come to that damn party, hadn’t she?
I stopped and crouched in the middle of the laneway I was running down, dazed and winded. I didn’t want to think about that party at the moment. I needed to focus on how I was going to find Tamara and save her from that creep she thought was the good guy in her life.
Except nothing was coming to me. I had never asked too many questions about where Para lived, where she went to school. I still didn’t even know her real first name. If I’d been thinking, I could have gotten up sooner, made sure I was there when Tamara’s brother dropped her off. That was the point from which she would have disappeared, so her family wouldn’t catch on.
Well… how the fuck did I find her now?
I had no hope of finding her, that was the answer to that. I needed to get someone else involved…
But Chalmers hadn’t done anything wrong yet where the law could see, and I couldn’t be sure anyone would stand up alongside me if I tried to expose him. Para was too traumatised, too afraid of how much worse her life could get. Tamara’s mother was an adult who should know better… but just because adults knew better didn’t mean they acted better. I knew that, too.
I couldn’t do anything now, that was the hard truth. I had to wait, and hope Tamara would come back on her own and not any more harmed than she’d already been.
I fucking hated this helplessness. I’d promised myself months ago I would never let myself be out of control of the situations in my life again, no matter what that took. And I’d been unable to keep that promise from the very start.
Until I had any ability to do anything at all again, I had to try to keep myself from completely losing it.
And if I wanted to not punch people… I’d better run.
I threw my bag in a bush growing against a fence lining the alley. It disappeared almost completely in the foliage—and if I couldn’t get it back later, it wasn’t like I cared about all that school shit that much.
I started to run. I was making my own wind, dragging the rage and confusion and the need to control away. This was one game I couldn’t play until I got it right. Whatever result was coming, I would just have to let it come.
Chapter Twenty-Four: Tamara
Brad’s car was a big 4WD I had to practically fling myself into the front passenger seat of. I didn’t think I knew anyone else who had a car that looked that expensive. Mike had a third-hand car that was breaking down all the time. I was glad I hadn’t been able to meet Brad at our house. I didn’t know what he’d think about the way we lived. I didn’t take him to be the sort of person who judged, but maybe it would upset or embarrass him to see how shabby everything I’d grown up with was when he could have offered so much more.
Then I got myself settled in the seat and met a pair of dark eyes in the rear view mirror, staring out from under a low dark fringe.
Jess didn’t look like me as far as I could tell. She must have taken after her mother. I wondered what her mother even thought about the two of us meeting that day. Did she know? Jess should have been in school, same as me.
None of that mattered. This was my sister, and this might be my best chance to convince her we should have a relationship.
“Hi, Jess? It’s nice to meet you. Your dad’s told me a lot of great things about you.”
Her eyes moved a little, but she didn’t say anything I could hear.
“Jess?” Brad prompted. She flinched, and came to life.
“Hi, Tamara. It’s nice to meet you.”
Brad was starting the car. Apparently it was up to me to figure out a way to talk to her, now.
“Um… I know this is weird. And you probably had no idea I existed until recently… but I had no idea you existed either, so I’m feeling just as confused and awkward as you are. And I want you to know that I’m not any threat to you and your mum, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’m not here to take your place or anything. I just want to see if there’s some way I can fit into your lives… so we can be family.”
“Okay,” Jess said.
It didn’t sound encouraging, but it didn’t sound res
entful, either. I would have to accept it.
I thought Jess was still staring at me as Brad got us onto the road, but she didn’t say anything else, and I was never good at getting people I’d just met into conversation. I hugged my schoolbag to my lap and tried not to be obviously watching her in the mirror above my head.
“I thought the three of us might go up the highway a bit and find a nice little café in a small town,” Brad explained as we blew right past the city centre and I started looking behind me, left and right. “You won’t have to worry so much about running into someone you know.”
“Thank you.”
I knew Brad had his flaws, obviously, but it was hard for me to imagine how Mum had gotten in such a state with him that she’d done what she did. She must have come to him already broken—some other man must have done his number on her, and Brad was just paying for it. Well, Mike had taken on that debt now.
It made me wonder what that other man must have done to her, that it so completely wrecked her. I couldn’t even imagine something so horrible it would make you punish every man you were with after that.
But I’d already decided I didn’t want to make it my problem now. I’d been making Mum’s problems my problem for years, for my whole life, and that was fine if she was actually looking out for me… but she’d been looking out for herself over me this whole time. I couldn’t just go back and live with her. I was going to have to ask Brad for help… even if that just meant he loaned me some money while I tried to get established on my own. I would have to find the right time to talk to him… maybe if we had a moment without Jess. It was still early days for our relationship; I didn’t want her to think I was just trying to get close to her dad so I could get money out of him.
“I need to use a toilet,” Jess announced as all the landmarks I was somewhat familiar with disappeared behind us.