There’s nothing peaceful about her position tonight. She looks small, frail, and afraid. I crouch down and put a hand to her shoulder to wake her. She darts up in a frenzy, searching the area until her eyes land on me. I hold my breath for a brief second and watch the cloud of doubt cover her expression. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to talk to you,” is all she says.
I stand, offering my hand, which she takes as I lead her into the house, turning on lights as I go. Her hand tenses in mine, but I take her straight to the kitchen, thinking she will be more comfortable.
The mistake rains down on me immediately as her hand snatches out of my grip, and I turn to see her white as a sheet, staring at the refrigerator. “Maybe we should go back to the porch.”
“Why?”
“It’s a safer place.”
“Safer? What’s wrong with right here?”
“I’m not sure I can do this in a room that’s a shrine to your children with Connie.”
The sudden blaze in her eyes pushes me to my limit. “Everywhere in here is a house for my kids.”
“It was a mistake coming here tonight.” She makes a move to run, and my reflexes kick in. I grab her by the waist, spinning her to face me.
“Are you that much of a fucking cunt you can’t even look at my kids, the two people I love more than life?”
She flinches, bowing her head and sucking in deep. Guilt swamps me, and I immediately know I’ve gone too far. “Look, I’ve had a shitty night. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, you’re right. I should have expected nothing less than your house to be filled with pictures and memories. Like I said, I shouldn’t have come.”
“Well, you did come here, so why don’t we cut to the fucking chase and tell me why?”
“Please, let me go,” she begs, trying to get loose.
“Tell me.”
“I can’t,” she cries.
“What the fuck are you keeping from me?” I scream. “This shit has got to end. I let it go a long time ago and moved on! I have kids, Darby. That’s a fact. This is their home, and you have no right to come in here and make snide comments—”
“I know that! I have no rights to you at all! I lost them the day I killed our baby!”
I let her go, tripping back until I hit the counter. “What?”
“I killed our baby.” Her body trembles. “I did it!” she shrieks so loud my eardrums ring.
“You had a miscarriage. It fucking sucks, but it’s not your fault. The doctors explained that.”
Darby starts pacing in a circle robotically. “My worry and anxiety were the worst. You tried to help me see reason, but I was pessimistic, always worried and scared. Then I got used to the idea of having a baby at twenty-one years old because you chased every bit of that fear away. Excitement started to bloom, and the best part of it was that I was going to get everything I ever dreamed about. Marrying you and starting our family, I literally had it all. There was still a smidgen of doubt in the back of my mind, but I tried to beat it.”
“Darby, a little doubt doesn’t mean you killed our baby.”
Her eyes lock with mine, and my blood turns to ice, chilling me all the way to my bones. Cold, flat, hard… the usual bright amber dies, and she stares at me with a lifeless expression. She may be staring at me, but she’s not seeing me.
“I had a huge surprise for you and was thinking about bringing Jill in to help me. She’s always been creative. It was the perfect excuse to plan a dinner with your family. I showed up early, hoping to catch her alone. Instead, I overheard Miller and your dad talking. Miller was convinced I got pregnant on purpose to trap you into marrying immediately. He said he knew we were serious, but he didn’t see us going the distance. He couldn’t understand why we’d been together since I was seventeen and avoided getting pregnant, then right after I graduated, I conveniently was knocked up. Jill piped in, agreeing that the timing was suspect. She had strong opinions about how unlikely we’d been careful enough, and starting a marriage based on a surprise pregnancy was doomed. Warren had stayed quiet, but when he spoke, his words are probably what broke me the most. He said it was good my family had money so I wouldn’t come after yours.”
A red haze clouds my vision, and I’m pretty sure I could rip my family to shreds with my bare hands right now. The chill that took over changes into a blistery fire, searing through my veins. A rage like I’ve never experienced brews to the surface, and it’s all I can do not to punch something.
“What happened next?” I grind out harshly.
“Physically or mentally?”
“Both.”
“I quietly slinked out of their house, called you and canceled dinner, told you I was feeling sick. You came to the shed and brought me something to eat and spent the night. Mentally, that smidgen of doubt grew into an avalanche of emotions. I no longer felt like I deserved to get the dream I’d been chasing since I was seventeen when Pierce Kendrick walked up to me at the gym and asked for my number. It was common knowledge that our age difference was the source of gossip, and no one could believe you’d date a girl that just graduated high school.”
“I never gave a shit what people thought.”
“You didn’t, but it followed me for years. And here I was, strapping you down.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was confused, hurt, and ashamed of myself for putting you in that position. You were perfect, and I loved you with everything I had. The last thing I wanted was to back you into a corner and make you choose between your family and me. And that’s what would have happened. You would have unleashed fury on them to protect me. Instead of telling you, I tried to deal with it myself. Every day, my anxiety grew to new levels. I cried a lot, thinking again the baby was one huge mistake. Then I hated myself for thinking that way about something I loved so much that you gave me. It consumed me. My brain never shut down. It was all I could do to put on a brave face while trying to figure out how to deal. No one knew what was happening with me until it was too late.”
She draws in a deep breath, her eyes scanning around the room and landing on the refrigerator. Her mind is a thousand miles away, and she’s battling something big. When she turns back, I fight the urge to go her and yank her into my arms to erase the torture she’s living in.
“As always, you were perfect during the ordeal. Even though you were devastated, you put me first. I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t look you in the eye every day, knowing I’d killed our baby. The guilt and shame were constantly clashing with the pain and sorrow. Because, when it was all said and done, I realized I wanted that baby. It didn’t matter what your family thought, or if you ever married me, because I was meant to be a mom. The problem is, I figured that out too late. Then the hormones and never-ending emotions kicked into overdrive. You thought I was in a catatonic state because of the loss, but it was much more. There was no reasoning with me. I was convinced you’d find out and hate me. That added too much to my already fragile state, and I broke. I wouldn’t say I was suicidal, but I was seriously unstable. My mom picked up on it and forced me to tell her what was happening. When she heard my story, she knew I needed help. I was already pushing you away and hated it. You’d been a rock of strength even in your own form of pain. I couldn’t let myself bring you down to my level, so I picked a huge fight with you, giving you no choice but to break up with me. Then I left for Charlotte, where I went into counseling for severe depression.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Darby. Why in the hell didn’t anyone tell me?”
“It wasn’t malicious. It was on the recommendation of one of my counselors to work on me, and she was scared that, if you knew, I’d be more apt to worry about you.”
“That’s goddammed fucking bullshit, and you know it! I deserved to know. I was dying here, and no one thought to put me out of my misery? I’d have supported you. Hell, I’d have moved there myself to get you t
hrough each day.”
She gives me a sad smile. “Always my hero, and that’s why I couldn’t tell you. You would have surrounded me with your protection and love, sheltering me from all the hurt.”
“Is that so awful?”
“Of course not, but I had a very screwed up sense of reality. I went into a self-imposed exile, living a nightmare, but determined to rise up. It’s not unusual for women who experience a miscarriage to delve into a depressive state, but my circumstances were different. During my time away, I also met with a gynecologist several times and forced myself to ask the hard questions. Since I was convinced I caused the miscarriage, it was important for me to know if children would be possible in our future. As you can imagine, she thought I was a bit loopy, but humored me. Turns out, physically, I’m fine. Slowly, things got better, and the state of my emotions evened out. It was time to come home, to beg for your forgiveness and hope you’d cloak me back in that protective armor.”
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus… Fuck me. I swallow the bile rising in my throat, knowing exactly what’s coming next.
“Then Evin showed up, unannounced, and my world crashed again, this time taking me to a place darker than I imagined. I barely thought about losing our son because the loss of you was greater.”
“Son?”
“That was my surprise for you. I’d been antsy about finding out the sex early, so when I heard my sonographer was being shadowed with an intern, I volunteered for them to use me. It was too early to be one hundred percent accurate, but we gave it a shot.”
In a rush, everything she says hits me with a force so strong I’m fighting for air. My chest and stomach seize at the same time, and I grip the edge of the counter for support.
That day with Evin…
“Answer the damn question, Evin. Is Darby all right?”
“You don’t deserve answers. Stay away from her and let my family do what we need to do.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means you did enough damage to last a lifetime, and everyone that loves her suffered. We’re going to do what we need to do to bring her back. You do not get to ruin this for my family.”
The conversation in the bakery…
“I left here in tatters, Pierce. Broken, ashamed, hollow, and I went away for a reason. My brother drove up to Charlotte to break the news of her pregnancy. I found myself back in shambles. Then our dear, darling friend, Connie, followed the southern etiquette protocol and sent me a personal birth announcement—to my parents’ house. She was kind enough to repeat the action a mere sixteen months later.”
“You have got to be shitting me.”
“No. So you don’t get to play the pity card because I do know a goddamned thing that happened to you. You got together with the one bitch in our group of friends that openly disrespected our relationship. I wasn’t gone fourteen weeks before she was having your baby.”
“I’m gonna kill her.”
“Why? Why be mad now? You have the children you always wanted, and from what I hear, they are perfect kids.”
“Leave my kids out of this.”
“Fine. I didn’t leave your ass in the dust and skip the town that I love easily. I was coming back—and I was prepared to beg, explain what happened. There was a sliver of hope that you’d understand.”
“Understand what, Darby? What you did to me was unforgivable.”
“You’re right. It was unforgivable. I was selfish and focused only on myself. But believe me when I tell you that I paid the price. There was no way for me to come back here and watch the man I thought I was going to marry living out his dream with a woman I could no longer stand. And that also tells you why I didn’t make a big deal about being back. I’m still not sure I can live in the same town. You came in here wanting some answers, and you’ve got them.”
Stephanie’s warning…
“You let her go, Pierce. She needed you more than anything, and you let her go.”
“You have no fucking idea what happened.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I know everything. I’m warning you now; when she tells you her story, you’re going to be in your own pit of hell.”
Edward’s visit…
“I’ll tell you this. Darby left you for a good reason. A reason Annie and I supported one hundred percent. Evin wanted to go with her, and we practically had to tie him down to stop him from smothering her. She went away to get help.”
“You’re a dad now, so I know you get the protective burn that runs through your veins when you think about your children hurting.”
“I do.”
“Then you’ll understand that I’ve had that burn scorching through me for a very long time. Not a day goes by that I don’t want to strip that pain from my daughter.”
“No offense, but you need to remember what happened back then.”
“I know what happened. All of it. Every word exchanged, every tear that fell, every cry of regret, and even every drink you consumed to try to run from the heartbreak.”
Every word that Darby, Evin, Stephanie, and Edward said replays in my brain and slams into me like a hammer to the heart. It all makes sense. Years of hatred and blame seep out of my soul, and shame washes through me. Stephanie was right. So was my mom. I did let Darby go when I should have gone after her. She fucking needed me.
I rip my hands through my hair, feeling the blood pounding through my veins. I can’t stop the rage that takes over, and I twist, throwing a fist through the wall. Self-hatred fuels me, and I explode in a roar. “You should have come back to me!”
She wraps her arms around herself defensively, and I realize how much of a madman I am right now. My whole body is shaking, and I need to check myself before I do something I’ll regret.
Deep breaths, in and out. I clench my fists a few times then force myself to drop my hands to my sides. “You should have come back to me,” I repeat.
“I couldn’t. You were no longer mine.”
“I was always yours.”
“You were sleeping with the enemy! How can you say that?”
“There was no sleeping involved. I fucked her! I fucked her hard and fast. She was on her knees, face to the bed so I didn’t have to look at her. Blew my load, went and sucked back a fifth of bourbon, and did it again. The second time, I made her face a wall, stick out her ass, and keep quiet. She wanted to suck my dick, so I let her. It was a way to dull the pain. No kissing, no foreplay, no feelings.”
So much for calming down. Darby’s face drains to deathly pale, and her body goes back to trembling. Tears pour out of her eyes that are burning with betrayal. Using her for a verbal punching bag is the last thing on my mind, but for some reason, I can’t stop.
“Connie Webber marked me. I was an easy target when you left. You know our old crew; they were partiers. When you dipped out, she introduced me to a world of pot and booze that killed the pain every night. It was easier to live in a foggy haze than to face my world without you. It took her ten weeks to snake herself into my life, taking my grief and vulnerability and using it to her advantage. I didn’t see it then, but she saw it crystal clear. I used condoms, Darby, but I should have doubled up on those fuckers. I also should have wrapped my own shit up and not let her take control. But that’s what weed does. It mellowed me out so fucking much I handed that little plastic wrapper to her and let her slide it on. She knew she was pregnant within twenty-four hours of missing her period. And she was so goddamned ecstatic I knew I was fucked.”
“I really think I should go.” She starts to back away, looking around desperately, for what, I don’t know.
“I think you should stay and hear how it all went down after that.”
“I’m not sure I can.”
“My family said that shit about you trapping me into marriage, but they should have saved their bullshit for what happened next. Connie thought she was getting a ring, a husband, and a grand mansion with me to pay for it all. She was dispelled of that notion lightning fa
st. What she got instead was the apartment next to Miller’s and mine. My ass was working dawn until dusk, paying for most of her shit. It was easy to avoid her because she was living easy. She was pissed I wasn’t around, but I did everything in my power for her when it came to the baby. When Maya was born, Miller moved out, and I turned his room into a nursery. My mom was around to help, but every night when I got home, I’d shower and go get my baby girl so Connie could get a full night’s sleep. She had the days, and I had the nights. Connie kept going though. By this time, she’d turned into a full out bitch. Nothing I did was good enough. Her family put the pressure on, but I cut that line. Then, for the second time in my life, I got sloppy and stupid.”
“Cole?” She flinches at his name.
“Didn’t learn my lesson. But I loved my little girl and decided to let it go and try to form a cordial relationship with Connie. Things weren’t perfect, but they were going better. She saw her opportunity and came after it. Bruce’s bachelor party turned wild. He rented a party bus. We started the night at a sports bar and ended the night at a strip joint on the outskirts of town. Bruce was so pussy whipped; he immediately let Blaire know where we were. Thirty minutes later, the gaggle of women crashed in. Seeing as Blaire is Connie’s best friend, Connie was right there with them. Maya was with Connie’s mom for the night, and Connie was on a mission. I hadn’t touched pot in over a year, but I was hammered. I avoided her most of the time, but when I went to the bathroom, she cornered me. Her face said it all. I tried to dodge her, but my inhibitions were hazy. She was persistent, and since I’d been staring at naked girls for an hour, I was horny.
“The thing about Connie is she has no shame. She dropped to her knees, slid the condom on, and then bent over. She actually thought I loved doing her doggy-style and never picked up on the fact that I didn’t want to see her face. My son was conceived while I banged his mother over a toilet in the bathroom of a seedy strip club.”
“Oh my God.”
“I’ve never told anyone that, Darby. See, for all those months, I’d been living under the impression that her pregnancy with Maya was a complete and total accident. I can’t prove it, but I’ve always believed that she did something to compromise the protection.”
Pierced Hearts (Southern Charmers Book 1) Page 9